Why men are opting out of marriage

[todreaminblue]

Aha! The prenup! You should inform yourself about this. The laws in NY are changing with regard to prenups. It is not very easy.

 

The bigger question in my mind is this - if the relationship, the bond, the love and the intimacy are so important, WHY THE F WOULD ANYONE NEED A PRENUP!? Or for that matter why would you NEED a contract to solidfy your "love"?

 

 

This is insanity. It is like clapping with one hand.

 

 

i can actually understand distrust........but in saying that i think if you fully trust someone you wouldnt need a pre nup and marriage i feel that trust i skey....i never married my ex....i walked away with what i had from a fifteen year relationship i have no regrets about that i am not bitter about the fact he has more money than me.......i am happy he pays the child support....does that make me bitter and twisted and money hungry.....i feel most women who get married and are in long term relationships do so without pre nup......the majority do.....and i believe in marriage......and i am more likely to put my trust in a man who believes the same thing.....if a guy i was dating asked me to sign something to prove i love him.......then i would....but that trust would die a little...because if he truly knew me ...he wouldnt have asked me to sign a thing....what percentage of women marry for money and not for love???????? is it really that high...that would be disheartening if it were the case.....i refuse to believe it....my heart doesnt want to.....so nah.........deb

[xxoo]

I know, I know. I am a crazy bitter misogynist for thinking that a relationship should first and foremost be about the bond between a man and a woman - and not some convoluted legal arrangement that requires lawyers, prenups and irrevocable trusts with recent divorce court cases as required reading and research prior to entering into said arrangement.

 

Ok, so don't get married. Just buy a house together and have some kids. Fill the house with furniture, and build savings together.

 

Now--leave. No need for lawyers? Child custody agreements? Financial issues to settle?

 

As if you can avoid all this hassle and risk by avoiding marriage.....

[Hawaii50]

what percentage of women marry for money and not for love???????? is it really that high...

 

Well.. Probably not many. No one here is talking about those women, I don't think. But what happens when you meet the love of your life and things go bad?

People will polarize instantly, and if money is the only thing a person can use to hurt another, they will. Especially if either of 'em cheats.

[Crusoe]

What I find amusing, is that guy who yells "prenup" or "no way, no how, I'm getting married since I fear the loss of my nickels and dimes" with less than $50K in assets.

 

You can laugh but 50K is a massive amount of money to many. They are the ones that have to be the most careful as they can't afford any kind of financial hit in life.

[Pyro]

That sounds a bit better to me.

 

It actually sounds worse because there you go calling it reality that women are going to screw over any man who gets married.

 

You are one of the last people that any man should be taking advice from in regards to marriage.

[threebyfate]

What I also find amusing is when traditional men whine and moan about the exit price for traditional marriages. If you're unwilling to pay the price but want free domestic labor, good luck with this. Or better yet, don't bother getting married and avoid living together. Best yet, good luck finding a long-term sex partner since that's all you can give.

[rainfall]

Ok, so don't get married. Just buy a house together and have some kids. Fill the house with furniture, and build savings together.

 

Now--leave. No need for lawyers? Child custody agreements? Financial issues to settle?

 

As if you can avoid all this hassle and risk by avoiding marriage.....

 

 

If you never have kids then you can avoid most of those hassles if you aren't married and spilt up.

[xxoo]

If you never have kids then you can avoid most of those hassles if you aren't married and spilt up.

 

If you never have kids then you can avoid most of these hassles even if you divorce. Thus far, people in my social circle have has very simple divorces (zero cash exchange) as long as they have no kids.

 

It's when kids are involved, and especially when someone takes a career hit to care for the kids, that things get complicated.

[CarboniteCammy]

I've seen some break ups go just as bad or worse then some divorces. I knew a couple that lived together three years. They accumulated a house and two cars and had a baby.

 

The guy wanted out b/c he said he was sick of his girlfriend. In reality he just wanted to date around and they weren't getting along very well. He still had to pay over a thousand bucks a month in child support and he was also saddled with the house/house payment and then stuck with two cars both in his name. One she drove, one he drove.

 

then, the custody battle was just horrible.

 

I'm not saying that marriages always work out, but I fail to see where staying unmarried would help.

[strongnrelaxed]

I've seen some break ups go just as bad or worse then some divorces. I knew a couple that lived together three years. They accumulated a house and two cars and had a baby.

 

The guy wanted out b/c he said he was sick of his girlfriend. In reality he just wanted to date around and they weren't getting along very well. He still had to pay over a thousand bucks a month in child support and he was also saddled with the house/house payment and then stuck with two cars both in his name. One she drove, one he drove.

 

then, the custody battle was just horrible.

 

I'm not saying that marriages always work out, but I fail to see where staying unmarried would help.

 

You may have seen one or two breakups that go badly, but to say that a breakup can be as bad as, or worse than, a divorce is - well I don't even know what to say!

 

Divorce as a legal process is absolutely devastating and pits people against each other - aside from the emotional conflict that would naturally arise in any breakup. Divorce is almost by definition more difficult than a breakup because there is the added legal dimension.

 

Men should never, ever, EVER get married. Period.

 

They will continue to do so. They will "choose' it for the benefits, the social esteem, etc. That is all hollywood BS. The sad news is that more than half of us learn at some point how horribly wrong we had it until it is too late.

 

Watch the videos. Stay single. Until the attitudes of women change in a significant way AND the divorce laws become a little more just for the children and all other parties concerned.

Edited October 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed inappropriate words

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Don't marry and please get a vasectomy (if you don't want responsibility of kids).

 

Truthfully, I don't blame people for thinking twice. Be informed.

 

Marriage is not for everyone, and neither are children. I say do whatever makes you happy.

[Daniel V. Ross]

For me it is important to anyone of us to get married at the right time. We do need a partner that could help us in our lives and children to live with until we grow old.

[angie2443]

The bitter brigade strikes again! Really, I think many people are bitter and deeply hurt when comming on to these boards. I was once. However, there is a time to learn, grow, and move on. To the bitter brigade, take a look at the infidelity board. You will see men and women supporting each other, helping each other, trying to help each other move ahead instead of just wallowing in their pain. You can see this in the OW/OM board, even though it seems to be mostly women who post there. Still, you'll see men and women trying to help each other move on from painful periods in their lives. Yes, there is a time to just say "I hurt!" If you stay there too long, you may never know what it is to be happy. There are plenty of people here who have gone through a bad time, and are now in happy long term relationships with someone they love and respect. This has to hit you hard when you see this. It means that there are good women (men- for the women who feel bitter). There's quite a lot of them. If you choose not to see that, then you choose your pain. If all you know are evil women, then I'd say the common denominator is you. There's a lot of happy men out there in happy, loving, respectful relationships. Why do they have this, and you don't?

 

I wanted to add, you see a lot of support on the dating board to.

Edited October 24, 2012 by angie2443
added something extra

[Mme. Chaucer]

I can't understand why this is even a "thing." I realize that for people growing up in the 50's, there was a traditional template for life that included the marriage, the mortgage, the kids, etc.

 

In my young life, this was soundly challenged in a very public arena in the 1960's. All people, regardless of whether they were male or female, were given the opportunity to see that how they conducted their lives was a CHOICE. THEIR choice.

 

Of course, many people coming from rigid family or religious backgrounds would not feel free to actually make this kind of choice, and would remain in the traditional pipeline - in some cases, at the expense of their own personal happiness. Still, even these people would have to be aware that other things were happening on a very large scale.

 

Why is the idea that some men are choosing not to marry supposed to be outrageous, threatening, or even noteworthy to anyone? It's as it should be. People who don't want to marry are FREE to live their lives as they see fit. And thinking adult people should be well versed in seeing through social constructs and others' expectations for them to what is actually best for THEM. That's how I raised my daughter to be.

 

Marriage is NOT for everyone. Is this really news?

[Mme. Chaucer]

the love of God don't make your decision based on any feminized biased men online who paint all women as infallible goddesses

 

Anyone who believes that all women are infallible goddesses has a serious problem. A man who is going to make a life altering decision based upon the words of a person who represents himself as such online would have to be … beyond help.

 

On the other hand, men who attribute all their (considerable) miseries to women and to feminism seem to be in the same boat.

[Pyro]

 

Why is the idea that some men are choosing not to marry supposed to be outrageous, threatening, or even noteworthy to anyone? It's as it should be. People who don't want to marry are FREE to live their lives as they see fit. And thinking adult people should be well versed in seeing through social constructs and others' expectations for them to what is actually best for THEM. That's how I raised my daughter to be.

 

Marriage is NOT for everyone. Is this really news?

 

Some people can't just leave it at that. They have to also throw in that marriage only benefits women and that any guy who gets married is dumb.

[Pyro]

D'ya think that could be due to some folks choosing a bad partner and needing someONE or someTHING to blame it on?

 

Of course. Now in some cases I am sure that it was something that caught them off guard and they weren't expecting it and in those cases they have my sympathy.

 

Now when you get the ones on here who make thread after thread and post after post of the exact same thing making all women to be evil and inferior then you don't deserve sympathy.

[CarboniteCammy]

Yeah, I'd hate to try to date someone with the mentality that just because of my gender I had nothing to offer.

 

You'd think that someone with two failed marriages would eventually come to the conclusion that they were the common denominator, but no of course it's not them, it's the entire institution of marriage that must be the problem.

 

I don't disagree that marriage is really hard and that everyone should be well educated in the ins and outs of what it means to commit to another person for a lifetime. I don't think marriage is for everyone.

 

But, for the people who decide marriage is for them, it can be a great and wonderful thing to take your commitment to that next level. IMHO- marriage protects the family in a way that dating just can't. It makes settling differences a necessity rather then a want.

 

And with what Mme Chaucer said, alot of people get married because of cultural or religious pressure. Nothing the OP says will change the culture they come from or their family's dynamic.

[stillafool]

 

Why is the idea that some men are choosing not to marry supposed to be outrageous, threatening, or even noteworthy to anyone? It's as it should be. People who don't want to marry are FREE to live their lives as they see fit. And thinking adult people should be well versed in seeing through social constructs and others' expectations for them to what is actually best for THEM. That's how I raised my daughter to be.

 

Marriage is NOT for everyone. Is this really news?

 

 

Exactly! Who cares?! For that matter alot of women are opting out of marriage and children as well. It is a choice people are free to make. I like you wonder why someone really thinks this is news. That is why women are educating themselves in order to support themselves. Not because they are afraid some man may not marry them but to ensure they can take care of themselves if they choose not to marry.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I can't help but take this thread of the OP's as part of his larger "body of work" posted here since he joined LoveShack, and elsewhere on the Internets.

 

If this "story" reflects his real situation (with monumental skewing, of course):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/347418-contract-short-story

 

I extrapolate from it that he engineered for his second marriage a very traditional one where he chose a wife to whom he felt superior in all ways; who appeared to be willing to maintain a certain rather subservient role wherein she was completely dependent upon him for her material and other needs. From all the posts here, it's probably clear to all that OP would not be interested in a woman who could and did fend for herself, and that no such woman would bother with him.

 

Why would a person use this criteria for choosing a mate? I believe they would so that they could hold ALL the power.

 

Back to the "story;" it looks like there was some hanky-panky that was discovered by the wife, and so she might have decided to use everything in her arsenal to make him pay for it.

 

There are some morals and lessons in that story, and they don't have anything to do with "marriage only benefits women" and / or "marriage is terrible for men."

[Janesays]

To the people who are saying, "Divorce will screw you over....especially if you cheat!" My answer: Don't cheat. Duh.

 

I'm a woman and *I* was the one who got hosed in court. (And I didn't cheat...HE DID) So what? Money is money. I can make more and it wasn't the end of the world. In fact, that divorce ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. Even if i DID have to start from square one, asset-wise.

 

I don't blame the 'Evil Institution of Marriage' for the loss of my belonging. I blame the fact that I married a jerk. *I* made that choice and *I* paid the consequences for that choice. And because I'm willing to take responsibility for MY POOR CHOICE, I have hope that I've learned from it.

 

If you don't want to get married, don't. I know I wouldn't want to marry a man who held these views in life anyway. So no one loses. Just don't wee wee on everyone else's parade because you're too insecure to opt out on your own. Hence, the threads were you try to convince everyone to opt out with you.

[Woggle]

While I don't agree with the views of the OP I do believe we need to change the courts so that people don't get screwed over just because a marriage ends. Just because you were married to somebody at one point should not entitle you to their stuff.

[Pyro]

While I don't agree with the views of the OP I do believe we need to change the courts so that people don't get screwed over just because a marriage ends. Just because you were married to somebody at one point should not entitle you to their stuff.

 

Of course Captain Obvious and if someone wants to use the courts being biased as a reason to be against marriage then don't get married unless the system is changed, simple as that.

 

No need to badmouth those who chose to get married.

[BetheButterfly]

its no problem with me that some men don't want to be married. If i ever get married remind me not to do it with one of these nonmarriage types!

 

Amen lol!

 

 

Its just a contract and social thing anyway. For everyone else to see you devote yourself to another.

 

I disagree with that. As a happily married lady, to me marriage is a very important promise that I made to my husband: to love him, to be faithful to him, to take care of him, and to be one - spiritually and physically - with him. (I didn't promise to obey him; I'm not going to lie.) He made the same promise to me: to love me, to be faithful to me, to take care of me, and to be one - spiritually and physically- with me.

 

We didn't get married as a "social thing." There were actually only 11 people at our wedding, including my husband and me lol. We live far from family and friends.

 

Weddings are mainly the "social thing" and the event for "everyone else to see you devote yourself to another"

 

If i wanted to really be in a committed long term relationship i guess all i'd have to do is have one! Not make a legal and ordeal out of it.

 

I agree about not making it a legal ordeal. I don't understand the need for registering with the government. What business is it of the government if I make the promise/covenant with the man I love? Now on the pro side, my Dad says it's good because of the tax breaks. However, I think the whole tax system needs to be changed anyways but that's another subject lol.

 

Kudos for the people who figure out they don't want marriage! Men and women alike!

 

Kudos to the people who decide to promise to be faithful and "one" with their loved one and keep their promise!

[Sugarkane]

I think men get a better deal. You don't have to lose or stop your Career to have children. Men don't do maternity leave. Women still do most of the housework AND plus go out and work. Men do hardly any housework.