Seperated a Month Now - Need Opinions

[ack51]

My wife and I seperated a month ago, and she is living with her mom and dad in the same town our house is in. I am in the house. She took a suitcase full of clothes, and some shoes, and her hair stuff. She said she has been angry at me for over a year now, and hates the person she has become. She said she left to get away from the anger, and cannot be in the same house as me when she is angry because it is not fair for any of us. We have been married for almost 7 years, and I am devestated. In the past month, she has went to see a counselor once (he went out of town after the first visit) and I have been going to counseling (the same guy). She has told her parents, and me, that she does eventually want to work on our marriage, but doesn't know if it's going to work. She said she might not be able to get over the anger and hurt, and etc. But she did tell her mom and dad this week, that she does want to work on our marriage, and doesn't want to tear the family apart, but she is going to need time to find herself, deal with the anger, and if she can she will work on the marriage, she just doesn't know when. She told me, because I was about to just leave, that she doesn't want me to leave. But she hasn't given me anything to hope for. She won't go to counseling with me, she will just go to work, go to her parents house, and go to counseling by herself. She told me she still loved me, but when I gave her my "I can't do this anymore" speech, she started crying hard, and said it wasnt all my fault, she loved me so much, and I let her down by not being there for her for all these years. Then I told her good bye, and told her I was going to make arrangements, and she got a bit frantic, and told me she would call me later that night when she got a break from work. She called, and basically talked me out of it, by saying she sees us in the future at least going to conseling together, and working on our marriage, not just working on ourselves.

 

There is no one else in the picture. She is 26 and I am 29. We have a 5 year old little girl, whom I am taking care of 5 days out of the week. The inlaws are for the marriage, and both tell me, with various friends who have went through this, and my family, just give her time, and she will at LEAST give you another chance. She will come back. My wife's anger is so deep though, from what I can tell. She has told her family she doesn't want to tear our family apart, and does want to eventually work it out, but she can't do it until she deals with herself. Until then, she is just going to live with her mom and dad I guess. Any insight? Does seperations usually end up at least TRYING to be worked out at least? Counceling? Moving back in? I am just dieing without her, and through my counseling I am changing myself to be the way I should have been all along. Please, all your input is valuable to me.

 

A

[jw32802]

well what did you do to make her want toleave ? and when did you start to realize that you wanted her back, after how long and why? is it just because you are lonely or do you really want HER

[supermom]

I say write her a letter explaining kinda like you did here.

 

If she is saying she wants to work out her marriage, give her sometime to do that. If she comes home too soon, the problems will still be there.

 

She's going to counceling.....that's good.

 

Good luck

[ack51]

I have already written to her, a couple of times, explaining how I felt, etc. She left because she said she needed to get away from the anger to deal with it. She hates the person she has become, mad all the time, and just angry all the time. I reallized I wanted her back the second she went out the door. I miss HER not SOMEONE. She is very angry because she said that for a long time, I haven't committed to her needs, and been there for her. I agree, I was very lax on doing that, but I DO want to change that. I am in counseling, and finding out a lot about myself, and why I was the way I was.

 

I just wish I knew what the heck was really going on. Does this sound like she wants to work out the marriage? Or is she using her anger as a crutch to just end it over time? If she wanted to end it, why didn't she just go file or just end it then? She is going to counseling, yes I agree that's good. She said she does see us at least taking the next step to working on the marriage. She acts kind of like this isn't a big deal. I think she is kind of 1. Teaching me a lesson. 2. Milking the lack of responsibility and just being at mommy and daddys house. 3. She is very ANGRY at me. I just wish I knew something about what might happen. I am hurting so bad it just is horrible.

 

I guess my question to you guys is when people seperate, most of the time is an attempt at coming back made to see if there is at least a chance? If she does give a crap about her family, do most people come back at least to SEE if a change is made, or try to work on the marriage instead of letting it disolve?

 

Thanks