Now What??

[marigold]

I want to thank everyone who gave me such good advice last week. It was invaluable.

 

Well, my boyfriend and I have talked; a lot. He has told me I'm "in charge" and he'll do whatever he needs to do to make things up to me. He was extremely apologetic about everything that happened at the party (and other old stuff too). He said he realized I was hurt and was very close to being done with him - the though of not having me in his life anymore was unbearable. He realized he screwed up badly.

 

We discussed the possibility that he may have a drinking problem. I asked him to lay off the alcohol for awhile and look into some counseling and/or AA. He agreed; I also urged him to call and apologize to the party hosts which he has done.

 

All of this is well and good, but I am unconfortable with this "in charge" role I'm now in. I'm not quite sure how to act because it changes the dynamics of the relationship. How do I do this? The last thing I want is for him to think I'm telling him what to do and eventually turn it into me being the bad guy.

 

I'm in unfamiliar territory right now; it's kinda scary. His vulnerability scared me - I've never seen it before.

[Mitch]

Well, my boyfriend and I have talked; a lot.

He has told me I'm "in charge" and he'll do whatever he needs to do to make things up to me. He was extremely apologetic about everything

Tell him that he needs to clean Mitch's house before you'll completely forgive him!

that happened at the party (and other old stuff too). He said he realized I was hurt and was very close to being done with him - the though of not having me in his life anymore was unbearable. He realized he screwed up badly. All of this is well and good, but I am unconfortable with this "in charge" role I'm now in. I'm not quite sure how to act because it changes the dynamics of the relationship. How do I do this?

If I had to phrase the problem, this is EXACTLY what I would say.

The last thing I want is for him to think I'm telling him what to do and eventually turn it into me being the bad guy.

The above is the perceived risk.

I'm in unfamiliar territory right now; it's kinda scary. His vulnerability scared me - I've never seen it before.

---------------

 

Managing/sharing control is a key part of any long term relationship. It is, in my opinion, a real pain in the arse and a facet that isn't going away just because I wish it would.

 

Frankly, there are probably plenty of guys who wish they had much less control in relationships and plenty of guys I know of who seem happy to have less than I would expect.

 

Look to this book:

 

-----------

 

Getting the Love You Want : A Guide for Couples

 

by Harville Hendrix

 

-----------

 

Recommended by a couples therapist who's been there and back.

 

Some of it I don't agree with, but it covers all of this.

 

(If you look at it on Amazon, the reviews are particularly enlightening I thought.)

 

In effect, your relationship HAS changed.

 

Now, key point here, you mentioned AA. How much does he drink?

 

I assumed it wasn't a problem before but it sounds like it is?

[Ron]

Thats good

I want to thank everyone who gave me such good advice last week. It was invaluable. Well, my boyfriend and I have talked; a lot. He has told me I'm "in charge" and he'll do whatever he needs to do to make things up to me. He was extremely apologetic about everything that happened at the party (and other old stuff too). He said he realized I was hurt and was very close to being done with him - the though of not having me in his life anymore was unbearable. He realized he screwed up badly. We discussed the possibility that he may have a drinking problem. I asked him to lay off the alcohol for awhile and look into some counseling and/or AA. He agreed; I also urged him to call and apologize to the party hosts which he has done. All of this is well and good, but I am unconfortable with this "in charge" role I'm now in. I'm not quite sure how to act because it changes the dynamics of the relationship. How do I do this? The last thing I want is for him to think I'm telling him what to do and eventually turn it into me being the bad guy. I'm in unfamiliar territory right now; it's kinda scary. His vulnerability scared me - I've never seen it before.

[marigold]

Tell him that he needs to clean Mitch's house before you'll completely forgive him! If I had to phrase the problem, this is EXACTLY what I would say. The above is the perceived risk. --------------- Managing/sharing control is a key part of any long term relationship. It is, in my opinion, a real pain in the arse and a facet that isn't going away just because I wish it would. Frankly, there are probably plenty of guys who wish they had much less control in relationships and plenty of guys I know of who seem happy to have less than I would expect. Look to this book: ----------- Getting the Love You Want : A Guide for Couples

 

by Harville Hendrix ----------- Recommended by a couples therapist who's been there and back. Some of it I don't agree with, but it covers all of this. (If you look at it on Amazon, the reviews are particularly enlightening I thought.) In effect, your relationship HAS changed.

 

Now, key point here, you mentioned AA. How much does he drink? I assumed it wasn't a problem before but it sounds like it is?

I will check out the book you suggested. Thanks.

 

As far as the drinking is concerned; he drinks every weekend and occasionally during the week. Mostly beer; not usually a lot. Every now and then he binges and when liquor is involved, he kinda goes full throttle.

 

I don't spend every minute with him, he goes out with his guy friends (cool with me) and I do the same. He told me about fights he's been in because he's had too much; stuff I'd never heard about. He also spent a year in Korea in the military and all he did was drink. "A way to get through it" he said; comparing his time there to prison.

 

So --- I'm not sure if it's a problem. I've never really tried to define alcoholism before. Is it someone who drinks every day because they have to, or can it also be someone who, when they drink too much, suffer from the Jekyll & Hyde syndrome?