Fairly certain true love is a sham created by Disney and perpetuated by Hallmark.

[hollynoel498]

I've been dating for ten years. I'm 24, so my first boyfriend was when I was 14. I've been married, have a child, and divorced. I've dated probably.. oh about 20 men, with various levels of commitment, and have yet to find anything worth while. I'm grateful for all my experiences, they've taught me priceless lessons about myself. However, I'm getting tired of lessons, I'd prefer love. I'm not unattractive, I'm not stupid, and I'm not dull. I just don't understand. And am getting very pessimistic. Any words of advice?

[Sun Devil]

You have more experience than me. I am 23 years old, never had a girlfriend and I never even been kissed. I have been told that my height is the reason for this. I knw that it used to be a lack of confidence combined with few girls my age during my late teens and early twenties. I have gained confidence and am surrounded by many girls, but none of them will date me. I see that they fall for jerks who treat them badly. I already lost faith in the existance of god, and now I am losing my humanity and love as well. I am glad that I am going into weapons engineering. Since humans are diven by hatred more than love, I might as well make a profit from it. Love does not seem to exist for me.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Why did you marry?

 

I assure you that TRUE love has nothing to do with Disney. It has existed far more years than Disney. If you're buying into Disney and Hallmark sentiments, the onus is upon YOU to kick that crap to the curb. They don't have anything to do with having real and true love in your adult life, and if you find it, it's not going to be resembling them at all.

[Hawaii50]

Love is an ability, so find someone capable?! And definitely take a look in the mirror as you're the common denominator.

[El Brujo]

Love is to be avoided these days. The name of the game is to have enough sex with enough people to get your name in the record books, but whatever you do, DON'T love them. That's what we have cats and dogs for.

[JamesM]

"...and they lived happily ever after" was created by Disney and many books. It is not reality.

 

However, true love is reality and a part of a good relationship. True love is not just a feeling but a commitment. It is making a relationship work when the feelings of love are diminished.

 

After more than two decades being married to the same woman and despite the issues that we have had and have, I still see no one who I would rather be with. I can say wholeheartedly that I love her more than anyone I have met. In my eyes, she is still beautiful and her personality is wonderful. She is far from perfect, and she has her issues, but so am I and so do I.

 

If you buy into the idea that love only lasts as long as the feelings, then you are missing out on what is really true love. If you stick it out through the rough times, then when the feelings return they are even stronger. If you expect "true love" to remain all warm and fuzzy on the inside, then you miss out on the security and happiness that time and memories create.

 

True love is real. Movie love is not.

[River Rain]

I have a friend who expects every man to be her "Prince Charming" and "treat her like a Princess"...she's young, 20-years old and is influenced by the thought of true love in terms of Disney. Once he stops putting her up on a pedestal, she breaks things up. I've tried to tell her it's an immature way of seeing a loving relationship, but she thinks it's always going to be rainbows and lollipops, and when it isn't she's devastated.

 

But I don't think age is a factor in this, because my ex, who was 45 years old, had the same view. He even told me that our love was like a fairy tale and that we'd live happily ever after. I thought it was cute, but he was actually serious, because when he broke up with me, he did say he couldn't see us being happily ever after . There has to be a balance always.

 

I see true love as more than just romance. Respect, compatibility, passion, affection, caring, conversation, loyalty, willingness to resolve conflict, responsibility, commitment, companionship...there is so much to it. It's a nice thought that the romance will always be the forefront, but realistically, you have to remember that relationships evolve over time.

[Lucky_One]

You have dated probably 20 men in 10 years? That is an average of 6 months each.

 

Let's toss out half of them as very casual relationships. That leaves a year of dating for these guys.

 

AND you were married to one, had a baby, and have divorced. How long did you date prior to the marriage or pregnancy, and which one came first?

 

I maintain that true love has nothing to do with the first year of a dating relationship. Love comes after some of the blinded infatuation has cooled, after someone has to clean up your vomit from the bathroom floor when you got a virus, after you are honest about your credit card debt, after you stop shaving your legs twice a day, after you meet each other's families, after you live through the football season, after he watches both season of Downton Abbey with you, after you have at least one huge fight where you both think you may break up, after a period of enforced celibacy because of your colposcopy, after watching whether or not he ogles cocktail waitresses in Vegas, after he decides if you have a shoe fetish, and ESPECIALLY until after you have put up a live Christmas tree together.

 

I wouldn't dream of marrying anyone that I hadn't known intimately for at least two complete changes of seasons. And even then, you won't know each other. But you will know enough of their faults and their delightful quirks that make your heart expand tobe able to fall into true love at that point.

[Hawaii50]

He even told me that our love was like a fairy tale and that we'd live happily ever after.

 

 

Ohhhh man. My xgf, the Serb, would same the EXACT same thing. Just enlightened me to how immature she was, honestly. And she'd say it a lot, not once or twice, but I hear it 100 times in about 18 months. Think she just wanted a green-card, that was the "happily ever after"

[River Rain]

Ohhhh man. My xgf, the Serb, would same the EXACT same thing. Just enlightened me to how immature she was, honestly. And she'd say it a lot, not once or twice, but I hear it 100 times in about 18 months. Think she just wanted a green-card, that was the "happily ever after"

 

Emotional immaturity is hard to detect at first! You know, because of all the romance and love-talk and all that. But when it continues long-term, it almost feels like you have to be perfect for them, you'll never be able to keep up those standards of what they think is a fairy tale romance. It certainly made me feel really insecure a lot of the time because I always wondered if I was good enough for this fantasy life he'd created for us.

[threebyfate]

When you find true love, you'll know and won't question it. It's AMAZING!

[hollynoel498]

I married because we had been together for 3 years, had a baby, and he joined the army. I truly thought we would be together forever. I suppose he didn't, as he engaged in multiple affairs while he was away at training. Also, I have dated a lot of people, but mostly they were less than a month in duration. Literally, we just dated. I was with my son's father for 5 years total. Other than that, I had a year and a half long relationship in highschool and a 6 month relationship after my marriage. So, for the most part I have not had many long term relationships. I've dated so many different personality types. In my last two experiences, the first guy just stopped talking to me out of no where, and the second conceded that we got along very very well, but he wasn't ready for the commitment of my child. If he would have talked about it with me before making the decision to break it off he would have known that I had no intention of involving my son until I was certain it was a sure thing.

 

Basically, all I'm trying to say is that my picker must be broken, because I've dated so many different types of men that it can't be them. I'm just not sure what I can do differently. I follow their lead, don't demand anything outrageous from them, just honesty, communication, trust, and affection. I want a passionate, intimate, communicative relationship. I don't know...

 

Oh, also, the Disney thing was a joke. I've known for a long time that that's not realistic

[strongnrelaxed]

Why did you marry?

 

I assure you that TRUE love has nothing to do with Disney. It has existed far more years than Disney. If you're buying into Disney and Hallmark sentiments, the onus is upon YOU to kick that crap to the curb. They don't have anything to do with having real and true love in your adult life, and if you find it, it's not going to be resembling them at all.

 

OP, I implore you to ignore this poster.

 

You are exactly right and your question is a reasonable and legitimate one. Society pushes the fairy tale constantly. Marriage, weddings, cakes, dresses, romance, etc. is a HUGE industry. And that's not to mention online dating, the divorce industry, etc.

 

You can bet your a$$ that marketers are going to make it appealing as possible.

 

Relationships evolve over time in any given society based on the social, political, religious and other circumstances. In some places is it arranged and young women are sent off to basically get raped by men their parents choose for them. But their mothers encourage them "you'll get used to it" I wish this were a joke but it happens a LOT.

 

More to your point, relationships are systems with many complex and moving parts. I think that trust is one of the most key components. If you cannot open yourself up to trust a partner based on a past partners bad behavior, you are dooming the next guy and almost guaranteeing that this relationship will fail.

 

This is NOT your fault per se, but something to keep in mind.

 

It may be one of the most difficult things to do - to trust again after a betrayal or bad breakup.

 

You say that the "picker" may be the problem - I think I have the same problem and I think you are right. When you solve this one, let me know.

[JamesM]

Why did you marry?

 

I assure you that TRUE love has nothing to do with Disney. It has existed far more years than Disney. If you're buying into Disney and Hallmark sentiments, the onus is upon YOU to kick that crap to the curb. They don't have anything to do with having real and true love in your adult life, and if you find it, it's not going to be resembling them at all.

 

I concur.

 

Wise words to listen to.

 

But I think you knew that.

[january2011]

Any words of advice?

 

Focus on something else other than dating and romantic relationships.

 

Married + divorced + baby + 20 dating relationships seems like a lot for someone at your age. What is your hurry? It's a marathon, not a sprint. I'm not surprised that you've grown pessimistic if you keep cycling through men like you're running the 100M hurdles.

[Imajerk17]

Well, I will be blunt: It will be much harder for you (not impossible though) to find someone due to the fact that you already have a child. That is a heavy responsibility that will scare off most attractive men in their mid-20's--early-30's, especially because there are so many attractive women in your age group (and even older) who don't have kids.

 

That said, I have dated single two single moms and I can tell you that they were great partners. Very giving and down-to-earth. But the idea that if you get serious, you will be helping to raise another man's *son* (why that is more daunting than daughter I'm not positive but it does feel that way) is something most guys your age just won't want to get involved with.

Edited October 23, 2012 by Imajerk17

[hollynoel498]

I've realized that. Once again, my faith in humanity is dwindling. I suppose it's time to buy a kindle of kittens, stock up on mumu's, and ensure that my satellite subscription includes Judge Judy..

Edited October 23, 2012 by hollynoel498

[Imajerk17]

It's not impossible though. There is something to be said for the friend's first route. Men are a lot like women in that such a huge part of what makes us pick someone is how the other person makes us feel. As a man, I can tell you that it is really rare to meet a girl who "gets" us. If a guy realizes that you are that girl, he very often will fall for you.

Edited October 23, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Mrlonelyone]

Yes true love exist. In real life it often comes when we don't want it, and never last long enough. It is as imperfect as we all are.