Sohurt Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 I posted a couple weeks ago "Im pregnant and my husband wants out." I had my baby now, hes a week old. To catch u up, he wants out of our marriage and be friends. He's apparantley had affairs through out our marriage and now finally admits it. we have been married for 8 years. And now have 2 kids. I thought we had a good marriage. Yes we have had our ups and downs and we resolved them. He made me happy. We were the happy married couple in the family and now its gone. He still lives at home and comes home kisses his kids but for a month now we don't have a husband and wife relationship. I believe he still loves me. Hes a tough guy on the outside but I know him on the inside. He wants out and says we never had a connection. He told me a month ago he wants to move out. He says he will move out when i return to work. After my matternity leave. We never had a connection he says, and that he never belonged to me! Is that possible? Can u be together with someone build a home a family and say one day that we never had a connection? I dont understand that? I thought that after the baby was born he would snap out of it. But its not so. I pray everyday he will stop cheating and "make up" with me. I am confused, why if I know he is cheating do I still love him. Shouldn't I hate him? He came home late 2 nights ago and was a little tipsy, we were still awake with new baby not sleeping. HE asked me if I could fix him something to eat and I did. I was standing in the kitchen cooking and he came beside me and kissed me on my cheek. And treating me like he used to laughing and joking with me. Which he hadn't done in weeks. I took it as a sign that maybe he does love me. Also he kisses me and hugs me in his sleep. Is it still love or is he doing that because he is used to me. I am to the point where I want to move out, I have some where to go to. And its 3 hours away from here. I have contemplated this before and I will go live with my mom. I need to tell her whats going on maybe she and my dad can help. Maybe my dad can talk to him maybe he can help me save my marriage. Any advise? Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't understand how he can say you never had a connection, as he has been married to you for eight years and fathered 2 children with you. Aren't the kids a connection at least? You do deserve better though. You are lucky that you have not contracted any stds at this point. Have you been tested? It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love, but the hardest thing in my opinion is not saying goodbye to someone who doesn't love you.....why would you want to live in this situation? We never had a connection he says, and that he never belonged to me! Why did he marry you then? Why did he spend eight years with you? Why didnt he leave before the kids? he wants out of our marriage and be friends. He's apparantley had affairs through out our marriage and now finally admits it. Damn, with a "friend" like that who needs enemies. I personally couldn't be able to be friends with some who: 1. Cheated the whole (or part) of the marriage 2. Jeapordized your life healthwise 3. Lied to you 4. Betrayed your children by betraying you, your marriage, and your vows. 5. Self Esteem issues? I say he doesn't deserve your friendship. I know you have a rough road ahead of you but I think you'd be better off without him. Good luck. I hope things work out in the best interest of you and your children. Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
sizzlesWhenHeated Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 Hate to be too harsh without knowing the fellow. I can see how a spouse might end up in a loveless marriage, but I am not seeing here one single thing that your husband did right in the way that he has gone about this. God help his relationship with the mirror each morning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sohurt Posted July 31, 2004 Author Share Posted July 31, 2004 Why did he make me feel loved for 8 years is the big question. We married young I knew it wouldn't be easy but after our 7th year I felt safe. I just dont understand and he won't open up. He wont talk to me. All he says is he is not for me. "I am a good woman but he is not for me" he says that all the time. I want to save my marriage and I feel its hopeless Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 It is hopeless. Not because of anything you can control, but because your husband is a selfish turd who should have never married in the first place. Is your self esteem so low right now you'd TAKE him back? The man screwed around on you multiple times. If I remember correctly, you were under counselling with your minister? God isn't going to make your husband stop d*cking other women, so perhaps you should see the advice of a lawyer. He has stated pretty much he feels the relationship is over, and you STILL made him a sandwich. Stop being a doormat. I reccomend you take him to the cleaners hon. Do you want your kids to see how easily he jerks you around? You may feel desparation right now, but it's soon going to fade to anger.......be prepared. When he says "You are a good woman, but not for me" it really means "I've had kids with you, and recognize you're a nice person but I'm not going to stop f*cking other people. In fact, that's where I came from" Your husband is a cake eater. He made you feel loved because he probably DID love you, but love isn't enough. Please note that every night he comes home late is probably because he's having sex with someone else. Move out now. He wants to remain "friends" because he wants to be able to reel you back in if he needs you. And since you are his emotional door mat, being friends with him allows him to wipe the poop of his selfish behaviour off on you, all the time. If you like that for a metaphor. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 Was that a metaphor? I'm not even sure. Anyways, stop letting this jerk walk all over you. Link to post Share on other sites
ringo Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 Mr. Spock... what does your aviator mean? Everytime I see it - it sort of freaks me out..... just curious... Anyhow... to your situtation... I feel your pain as I'm married with children and my husband has not only cheated several times but also had a baby with one of the woman. Point blank... if your husband wants to make it work then he will prove it to you by going to couseling and doing what needs to be done... what you request of him. If he doesn't want to... then he needs to leave now... what is he waiting for? Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 God damn Sohurt... I sympathize. I've been through something VERY similar, but with the genders reversed. Almost a year ago to the day (August 3), my TBXW sat me down and told me she'd been on and off unhappy for the whole marriage, had massive doubts when we married, and had been unfaithful many times. I had been totally oblivious to any of this. Supermom raised some valid points: Damn, with a "friend" like that who needs enemies. I personally couldn't be able to be friends with some who: 1. Cheated the whole (or part) of the marriage 2. Jeapordized your life healthwise 3. Lied to you 4. Betrayed your children by betraying you, your marriage, and your vows. 5. Self Esteem issues? I say he doesn't deserve your friendship. I know you have a rough road ahead of you but I think you'd be better off without him. I've had a lot of the same thoughts. I've come to accept that it's important that she and I are civil, even friendly, for the benefit of the children. She, too, wants friendship (I guess she means social) but I don't know when I can give that, if ever. Before I can reach that point, I think I need to first reach a point of not really caring anymore... then I can make a sober decision about reintegrating her into my life in a "friends" sense. I don't know if this helps or not. But I've been where you are and you WILL start to feel better. It just takes time. You have my best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 Sohurt I feel terrible for you. I think some of the reasons he's being 'nice' to you now is because he feels so guilty. A lot of the time, when spouses cheat they start treating the other spouse better. They may bring home nice gifts, act more loving or be more touchy-feely. I think he wants to be 'friends' so he can feel better about himself. He can tell himself, "Well, we broke up but she doesn't hate my guts. We're still friends!" And if there are children involved, he likely doesn't want his kids to hate him. I DO NOT think he's acting nice because he's "changed his mind". He's made it plenty obvious over the years that he does not respect nor love you the way a husband is supposed to respect his wife. He's made it plenty obvious that you are a convenience to him. He's manipulating your emotions to HIS benefit. I would listen to the other posters and get a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
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