StillAnonForNow Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 Sorry if this is a dead horse subject.... Background: I've been with my wife for 9 years total. Currently we work opposite shifts so we don't have to have day-care for our child. In the not so recent past, when we were on opposite shifts, I got into IRC chat, and started a friendship with a female. My wife (at that point live-in GF) got super pissed at me. Started getting on IRC only when I was around to get me mad back... which didn't help. We worked that out then. I stopped chatting on IRC altogether and that was that. Well, we've been on the opp. schedule thing for about a year and a half now, and I've started again... I ended up on a rating site (kind of like hotornot, but with more open communications) leaving open and ample opportunity for flirting. Which I started doing. I didn't originally intend to, I honestly just wanted to see how hot I was... But some showed interest enough in me to talk... which stroked my ego.... and well... you know if you show a puppy enough attention, they'll follow you into a fire... I'm like that I guess... I've got very low self esteem, and well, hell I might as well be honest and admit this,since I'm StillAnonForNow, I've never been with anybody but my wife because she was the first to really show me attention. Now, coincidentally (yeah, right, semi-consciously it's my fault, I know it....) my wife and I really haven't been getting along well... and I know most couples have tougher times than this.... but I get wondering if I really want to spend the rest of my life with this one person. But she is good to me. She treats me well, she's a wonderful mother, she's attractive.... but it's at the point where we're just roomates and babysitters now.... So this leaves the "what if" scenario that goes through my head.... Which I don't like thinking about, and went into a mini-depression period last week....But we talked about how I was feeling left out... no attention (emotionally, physically, etc.), she didn't seem to feel the same though... which was weird. I felt everytime we were together we weren't doing anything but not getting along, but I guess she thinks everything is fine....Even after our talk, she still didn't express any of the same kind of feelings. So now I am on this site.. and I have two female friends that I do flirt with and IM daily now. I enjoy the time I spend IMing them. And I only IM and chat with them when my wife is not around. This of course, makes me feel like I am cheating... because I'm hiding this from my wife. I would tell her, but I don't want to upset her. I know she'll feel betrayed. That's where my guilt is coming in.... I am physically attracted to both of the women I am in contact with, and mentally as well. One is married with an open relationship, one is divorced. One is halfway across the country which is great because it says, hey... "I'm not REALLY going to hook up with this person, there's nothing to worry about" but the other is only 2 hours away. I don't honestly expect anything real to come out of either of these relationships, but I do enjoy the attention I'm giving and given. I know that this is interfering with my relationship with my wife, but I'm not at a point where I want to stop right now. I've expressed this to both of them, that I am concerned for my real-life relationship, and although they have said that they understand if I stop communications with them, both seem to think that the online flirting isn't harmful as long as it's not taken too far. But I get the feeling they're looking for attention the same way I am as well. I guess I'm just looking for some comments and advice, one way or another. Am I normal? Am I being an ass? WTF is wrong with me? I think If I'm feeling guilty that's a sense I should stop this, but I don't think I'm ready to yet. Thank you for leaving me this space to post and I do appreciate any replies. Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 There's alot of threads on here by women who's husbands/fiances/boyfriends have profiles online, or are flirting with women online. Most of these women are very hurt and confused about their s/o's doing this. I know that this is interfering with my relationship with my wife Then you need to stop, even if you don't want to yet. You said you weren't sure if you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your wife. If that's the case you really need to talk her. Don't start things up with someone you've met online, and make everything even more complicated, and hurt your wife even more than you would have if you'd just said you wanted to move on. How would you feel if your wife was flirting with guys online? Link to post Share on other sites
Tweetie Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 Anon, I think you and your wife need to seriously concentrate on each other if you are going to make your marriage work. It's tough on a relationship to work different shifts in order to avoid child care. It may seem like you're saving money this way, but if your marriage falls apart and you two have to split everything up and separate, child care will seem cheap in comparison. I recommend you get someone to watch your child, work the same shift and spend more time together. You also need to quit the online romances. You're spending too much effort fantasizing about these relationships and it cannot help but be damaging to your marriage. If you are both working the same shift, you won't have all this time on your hands when your wife is not around, so online affairs shouldn't be so tempting. The fact that you've only been with your wife is no excuse for these relationships. You say you "ended up on a rating site." I don't know about these sites or how you end up on one, but it has shown you that others might be interested in you. Fine, now you know, so that gives your self-esteem the boost you say you needed. Remember, though, that your wife was the first woman to really show you attention and she has stuck with you for 9 years. Don't throw away your family for an online fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Analyzer Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 You are trying to fill the void that is being created by whatever is lacking in your relationship with your wife, by talking with these other females. If you truely want to work things out with your wife, then maybe you all should sit down and try to work out your schedules so you all have more time together. I know that sometimes when people have different schedules it does make it hard to be able to be together, communicate, etc. However, its all in what you want out of your relationship with your wife. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Cacophony Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 flirting, whatever the medium, is self stroking. this coming from a flirt. be careful what you wish for. Link to post Share on other sites
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