where to go from here.....

[elizabeth1031]

Ok, here goes, this is really the first place I've ever posted all of my fears and doubts. My husband and I seemed to have the perfect marriage, everyone said we were just alike, we liked the same things, respected each other, etc. We have been married nearly 7 yrs, but this yr, our marriage seems to have just fallen apart. He joined the military 3 yrs ago, and was in Iraq from april 2003, to april of this yr, when he came back, he was mean, he drinks non-stop, has absolutely no interest in me...in the months since he's been back, I've seen him 3 times. He was supposed to have 30 days off...he stayed home for one week, then said he had to go to take care of some financial matters on base, he took all our money, my car, and he just never came back. For three weeks I was frantic with worry, calling hospitals, was out personally searching, as well as having the police looking for him. Come to find out, he had gone on a trip with a friend so that his friend could visit his family.

 

We have pretty much decided to call it quits now. He acts like he has no concern or care for me, when we got married, I had a brand new car that I took very good care of...over the years, he has torn it to pieces, and basically driven it into the ground(not to mention it was the car he used on the three week trip to take his friend to Washington), so now that it's pretty much worthless, he bought himself a brand new car, and now says I can have my car back. His friend recently hit the side of it, crushing one of the doors, but my husband didn't have his friend report it to their insurance, he basically told me his friend couldn't afford it and the car was trashed anyways, so it didn't matter.

 

He's done things like clean out the bank account so that he has extra money, while I'm struggling to pay rent, I tell him my phone, electricity are about to be cut off, and I'm 3 weeks late on rent, he says he'll "see what he can do" (in other words, he wanted off the phone.) I'm disabled and unable to work, I have no vehicle(he still has my car even though he doesn't drive it.)

 

For the first 4 yrs of our marriage, I supported him, 100%, paid for his citizenship, paid for him to go to school, and now, when I no longer have the money to do that, and now that he is set up with a career(a very good career that he wouldn't have had without me), he decides it's over. When I pointed that out to him, he points out that I could have gone to school anytime in the last 3 yrs and chose not to...of course we were moving every 4-6 months because he kept getting stationed in different places and he was barely making enough for us to make ends meet...but he still insists I could have gone to school.

 

I have never had the greatest self-esteem, and this has just basically shredded what confidence I did have....I haven't left the house in months(except when I have to for dr.s appointments), sometimes, as stupid and ridiculous as it sounds, I just feel like curling up in a corner and just crying till I have no tears left and just giving up. I desperately need some kind of emotional support system...I just don't know where to find one....

 

Anyways, I apologize for the length of this post, I just really need some advice, I don't know how to handle this....this was the first and only relationship I've ever had, we were 18 when we met, I've technically never been alone, went from being with my parents, to being with my husband...I know at 26 I should be independent, but I'm just not yet.

[StartingAgain]

Your husband desperately needs help, not abandonment. He's been to Iraq. We have been shielded from the horrors that have been going on over there since the administration is severely restricting what they allow the press to see and publish. But there are many sites on the nets with images that would horrify you. And your husband was there, experiencing it all.

 

I'm not saying that you should tolerate his behavior, but you need to do what you can to get him help before you walk away. There are many resources on military bases to assist the families of military personnel. they can help you take the steps necessary to get your husband evaluated and treated. If you are a member of the Armed Forces, you are required by regulations to take care of your family. You can't just abandon them with impunity. As far as him cleaning out the bank accounts and leaving you with no money to pay rent, the first step to remedy this situation is to contact his commanding officer. Believe me, you will get the money you need one way or the other. It will probably trigger his being ordered to report for psychiatric evaluation as well.

 

Good luck to you.

[brashgal]

Don't let his shabby treatment of you influence the way YOU feel about you. You are worthy of love and respect - please don't go down with the ship. StartingAgain had good advice to handle your immediate situation but you also need to work on your emotional health. I'll bet that there are support groups in your area for spouses of soldiers who served in Iraq. You will probably be surprised at how similar the experiences are - this will give you some emotional support.

 

You didn't mention if you work or have any hobbies or friends. You need to cultivate relationships and work on something that makes you feel accomplished.

 

Good luck to you elizabeth - hang in there!

[elizabeth1031]

thank you both soooo much for your replies, I appreciate the advice and encouragement. I would never have left him(particularly now when he needs support of family the most), but it is not me that is making the decision. I've begged him to go to counseling, offered to go with him, etc, but he says he's up for a promotion and just recently, one of his friends went for counseling, was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and was given a medical discharge from the military. My husband loves his work, loves the army and says he won't risk that happening to him.

 

He actually just now left(he brought my car back), and I don't know what to think, one second he's his old self, the next he is cold, distant and detached...I tried explaining the situation to his commanding officer, but aside from being his boss, he's also my husbands friend and won't do anything that would jeopardize his promotion.

 

Also, one thing that definitely makes things harder, is that here it is he just got back from a full year in Iraq, and he's having to go to another state for training for 2 months, then to another state a few more months for further training, by that time, it will be February 2005, and he is going -back- to Iraq for another full year on march 15, 2005......I don't see how the military expects families to stay together while dealing with that kind of stress and separation.

[StartingAgain]

Uh, there's a problem here. If your husband is suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrom, he must be treated. I'm a former soldier and was in the Medical Corps. The Army will not automatically discharge someone simply because they are suffering from this. There may have been other mitigaiting circumstances in his buddy's case that lead the Army to medically discharge him; for example, he was determined to be permenently unfit for duty. The guy may even have asked for a discharge, and told his buddies something else.

 

You say your husband loves the Army. And he is going back to Iraq in a couple of months. Were he under my command and if is suffering fro post-traumatic stress syndrome, he would not be going. He is a danger to his comrades-in-arms, since his derranged thinking may get someone killed. Those in theater MUST be mentally sharp. Quite frankly, your husband is not fit for combat duty at this time.

 

You have something of a moral delimma here. Your husband could very well get himself or someone else killed over there. Somehow, he must be evaluated before he rotates out. Do you know any of his buddies? Someone close to him who would talk to him privately and encourage him to get help? Sorry, but his promotion isn't worth the risk he poses.

 

 

I don't see how the military expects families to stay together while dealing with that kind of stress and separation.

 

I know how you are feeling and there's certainly nothing wrong with your feeling this way. But you must understand that the Army has a mission to accomplish and they really cannot allow themselves to consider the impact to families when they deploy troops. Every soldier knows and understands that his first duty is to the country, then to his family, and finally to himself. This isn't easy to live with, but a soldier has no choice.

 

We welcome soldiers home as heros, but we completely forget the horrendous sacrifices their families also have to accept. You are heros too.

[elizabeth1031]

I do understand about deployments and those types of separations...what I don't understand is all of the other separations. for instance, out of the 36 months he has served, we have been able to be together for a little over 5 months, yet he was only deployed for 12 of those months....the other 19 missing months, some were for training but other time was lost simply because the army just plain screwed up(for instance sending him to training he wasn't supposed to be at, then denying to pay his way home.) Another time, he was in AIT, but because it lasted for longer than 3 months I was allowed to live with him...but that only lasted 2 months before they accidentally only paid him 40% of what he was supposed to get paid for 2 paychecks....they made up for the mistake on the following check, but it was too late, we hadn't been able to pay rent, so I had to pack up and go back home(more than 1000 miles away) while he moved into the barracks. I'm just extremely grateful that we don't have children...if it's this hard on a married couple, I could just imagine how hard it is on someone too young to understand.

 

Because of his deployment, when he came home, they(his commanding officers), told me he was supposed to use this 12 months between deployments to heal mentally, become part of our family again and basically have a year to emotionally prepare for the coming deployment. But I don't understand how he is supposed to go about it when they have him set to spend most of this year away from family, hopping all over the country, never in one place for more than a couple of months.

 

I come from a very strong military family....all of the men in my family and a few of the women have all served in different branches, all my uncles and my father were in Vietnam, both grandpas were in WWII, etc, but not one person in my family -ever- had to endure the types of separations that we are....I thought they were normal, and I would just have to learn to deal with them until everyone started asking me why Chris had to be gone so much.

 

...and I know I'm probably starting to sound like a big whiner at this point, and maybe I am whining....but I don't want to lose my husband....but it's hard to fight to keep something that is 1000 miles away.

[StartingAgain]

elizabeth1031, you point up some serious problems we have with our Arrmed Forces just now. I can assure you that most of these screw ups are he result of the Pentegon outsourcing to private contractors many of the functions the military has always performed (finance, training, logistics, etc.) This new model doesn't appear to be working worth a damn and it is the soldiers and their families who have paid the price.

 

Your idea about deployments in the past, however is not correct. When a soldier in WWII was deployed overseas, he wasn't gone on a six or 12 month tour. He was gone until he was either injured to badly to fight again, was killed or the war ended. Even when the war in Europe ended, many of those who fought in that theater were redeployed to the Pacific. Very few soldiers ever got to see their families after deployment and those who did, it was only for a few days. In Vietnam, deployments were for 12 month tours and you didn't get to take a break and come stateside. Soldiers did get to come back stateside to see their families after their tour was over if they were going back to nam for another tour.

 

Really, the Army is trying to accomodate soldiers and their families better in this conflict by rotating units back stateside. They are just making a mess of it. Everyone needs to remember that we are at war and even the smallest wars are hard on all involved.

 

Being in the military just isn't terribly conducive to family life, especially for first-termers. Years ago young soldiers, saliors, airmen and marines were discouraged fom marrying in their first term and you had to have your commanding officer's permission to do so.

[elizabeth1031]

what you said about it being difficult to have a family as an first-termer is something I whole-heartedly agree with....actually my husbands drill instructor in basic training told him about the high divorce rate, and difficulties that married couples face(he said he couldn't count the number of times he was told "if the army wanted you to have a wife they would have issued you one")

 

The army has been very good to us in some aspects(for instance medical....I'm disabled and my bills would be in astronomical if not for military hospitals.) I don't think that as a couple you can ever really be prepared for the separations. You are of course correct about the deployments in WWII and Vietnam(I was only commenting on my uncles, father and grandfathers individual experiences)...but to be honest it's not the one year separation caused by his deployment that is destroying our relationship. It's all the separations in between, due to him hopping between Colorado, Virginia and Texas for training...leaving no time to rebuild and repair whatever damage has been done.

 

Even if he decides for sure that he wants a divorce, I still care about him and love him, and between his drinking, personality swings, and erratic behavior I'm afraid he could hurt himself or or someone else, which is why I'm still trying to get him in counseling....I think even if all he did was go to the chaplain rather than a therapist, that would help him get his issues under control.