Religion >.> long post

[Aquamelon]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]It's been awhile since I needed some advice from you guys.My boyfriend of 9 months is religious, Mormon, and I have never had a religionmyself. I have known about his super religious family and pov from day 1 and hehas known about my... I guess indifference towards religion. I have never beenagainst learning more about LDS but I know it's not for me (no religion is).

 

For the first couple of months, he never attended church or really made mentionof it. In June, he told he was going to start going. Around this same time,things were really rough in our relationship. Lots of strain, fighting, etc.Mostly due, to both of us just not communicating well in what we wanted andrushing into moving in together. In July, he told me he didn't want to be sexualwith me in any form anymore. Just randomly, out of the blue even though 2 daysbefore he had no problem having phone sex with me. Said he it was against whathe believed in (wasn't the nicest about telling me either). Three weeks afterthat, we found ourselves in a heated argument over me just wanting to book atrip to see him in Sept and it ended up spiraling into him telling me he didn'tlove me anymore. Since we were 3 days away from seeing each other, we decidedto use the trip as a fresh start. We also decided that we wouldn't put pressureinto moving in right away, that we would wait until we were further into ourrelationship before talking about it again.

 

The fresh start worked. Since seeing each other in July, things seem to allhave fallen into place. No major fighting at all. I went to see him inSeptember and without me prompting he booked his trip for November. BetweenJuly - Now, I have managed to get my own place (things are still beingfinalized) and he couldn't be more excited. He'll randomly call it "ourplace" and tells me he was mentioning our place to a friend at work or tohis mom. Obviously I couldn't be happier.

 

Since seeing each other in July, he hasn't attended church. Or if he did it wasonce or twice on a normal Sunday session. Definitely hasn't gone sinceSeptember at least. Yesterday, he tells me his parents wanted him to attend ameeting and he wanted to go. I tell him okay and my typically don't take toolong comment I make whenever he's doing something. Two hours later he comeshome, I ask him about his meeting. Immediately he starts being kind of vague soI know something is up. He eventually tells me, his dad was giving him a hardtime and wants him to attend session more. Not just Sunday but during the weekas well. He told me he told his father he didn't want to do that, he told me hedoesn't want to spend less time with me but that's not the reason he used totell his dad. Then he said he just thinks he wants to try and attend moreoften. And wants him to spend less time on the computer and just doingmore church stuff. I started freaking out. I told him maybe we were toodifferent and shouldn't be together to which he told me to calm down and talkthings out with him.

 

I explained that maybe it was just past circumstances back in July but the lasttime he told me he would be attending more often he told me all these thingsafterwards that just about broke us up. He laughed and told me that wouldn'thappen again, that he loves me more than anything and doesn't want to break upor anything to change between us. He said he feels bad about not attendinganymore. We talked his attending more and what that meant. Basically, him goingmore means going every Sunday which then means possibly doing extra events forthe church during the week. I told him I had no problem with him going Sundaysit was just the extra stuff that bothered me to some degree. If it's once in ablue moon then okay but I don't want it turning from every Sunday, to everySunday, Monday, Wednesday. He told me that it wouldn't be like that but that ifhe gets asked to do something he can't turn them down. Of course, I told himthat makes me feel worried about our relationship. Like I feel if he does this,he will not want to move out with me. He said that wouldn't happen, said heloves me, wants to move out with me and again that will never change.

 

So I guess my problem is just waiting and seeing how things will turn out. Hesaid for all we know he won't even attend. Church makes him feel happy andgood. Of course I want him to feel happy, I just don't want things to changebetween us. And he is right, I mean even if he starts going a couple of Sundaysin a row it doesn't mean that's how its going to be from now on. I wannabelieve I know him pretty well and that this will be another spurt of his wherehe will attend maybe for a month or two and then just stop.

 

I hate waiting to see how things will be. I want to trust him that he'll dowhat's best and won't make me 2nd best to his religion. Of course, I am tryingmy part as well. I have a meeting today with missionaries to help me understanda bit more. Just as a learning experience.

 

Last thing I want to happen is, he'll tell me "Oh I'm going to do this orthat for the church" on a random day and I will freak out. We'll argue andwell etc etc.

 

I don't know what type of advice I'm asking you guys for. Maybe just someone'stwo cents on the subject.

 

Oh and just thought I'd mention: I'm 25 and he's 24. I live in Jersey and helives in Nevada.[/FONT][/sIZE]

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[Hawaii50]

Siggggggh... as far as religions go, Mormons are... into it.

And IF by chance you ever did marry him, don't ever expect to be accepted by anyone in his family. Chances are he'll be ostracized too.

 

Every try for anything local?

[Aquamelon]

I was in a local relationship for 3 years and have been in other local relationships. Never ever compared to what I feel for him, it's maybe naive but I think he's "the one".

 

His family knows I'm undecided at the moment. I think they like me trying to make an effort to know more about their religion. Who knows, maybe they think if I know more I will convert. I told him many months ago before our big July fight, if converting is something he needs from me I am willing to do it. It's a journey I don't want to do right now but rather something I'd like to do once he is here and we decide to take our relationship to the next level.

 

The not knowing is so hard. Like I said, for all I know he won't go to church till two months from now or he'll go next week and skip the following three. I wish he wasn't so on the fence about attendance. But it's better this way then him being super hardcore about it I guess.

[JamesM]

The easy answer is that opposites do not attract when it comes to religion in marriage.

 

I would caution you strongly against continuing this relationship because if it is such an issue now, then it will only get worse if/when you get married.

 

It doesn't matter how I feel about Mormonism or any religion or even a lack of religion. What matters is that two diametrically opposed beliefs will cause more problems than you can imagine. There are enough other issues that happen in marriage. Don't let religion be one.

 

I have seen many divorces because of religion. Love may be strong, but beliefs are very ingrained.

[justwhoiam]

It seems like a good guy. You shouldn't give him such a hard time for attending sessions at his local church. You are not being supportive and that is not a good quality in a marriage or long term relationship. Are you sure you love him? You are being pretty selfish I guess. Also, in case you decided to have children, remember that democracy is not always the best way. Giving children a guide and a path to follow is always better than no guide at all. This is a deeper concept that cannot be squeezed in two lines, but just think about it. Your atheist approach is good for you, but you shouldn't impose it on others. And not letting it get in the way of your relationship. You clearly have issues with religions more than you might think. Yours is not a neutral point of view. Just saying what I think here.

[justwhoiam]

This guy will either have to give up everyone he knows and his beliefs, or chose her.. there is no in between. Mormons WILL NOT accept you. They might tolerate you but I assure you, they will not accept you-ever. I've known enough Mormons to say that.

What I see here actually is that he's being more accomodating than she is.

[RESO]

It seems like a good guy. You shouldn't give him such a hard time for attending sessions at his local church. You are not being supportive and that is not a good quality in a marriage or long term relationship. Are you sure you love him? You are being pretty selfish I guess. Also, in case you decided to have children, remember that democracy is not always the best way. Giving children a guide and a path to follow is always better than no guide at all. This is a deeper concept that cannot be squeezed in two lines, but just think about it. Your atheist approach is good for you, but you shouldn't impose it on others. And not letting it get in the way of your relationship. You clearly have issues with religions more than you might think. Yours is not a neutral point of view. Just saying what I think here.

 

I am going to offer the opposite view. Run, run like hell. Nothing good ever comes out of closeted religious communities. You will be villified, ostracized and belittled by his parents, family and friends.

 

The guy sounds lovely and understanding, but he's clearly got issues. You're an atheist, he's a Mormon. Of the two, it will be you that gives up rights, you that gives ground and you that ultimately makes sacrifices. The religion will not allow otherwise.

 

Oh, and I can name at least three first person shooters that on average will do a better job at raising kids than the example set by the Christian religion.

[justwhoiam]

What a racist post.

[dreamingoftigers]

This guy will either have to give up everyone he knows and his beliefs, or chose her.. there is no in between. Mormons WILL NOT accept you. They might tolerate you but I assure you, they will not accept you-ever. I've known enough Mormons to say that.

 

Depends on the region and their own family's culture.

 

Where I am mixed families are pretty much the norm.

 

It goes far beyond "tolerating."

 

We love, accept, and love our non-Mormon family members.

 

My husband is not a member and I don't look at him like he sucks or I have to "tolerate" him.

 

I think his Jehovah's witness mother "tolerates" him more than I do.

 

Blanket statements..... Not nice or accurate. Context is everything.

 

Some people attach themselves to the "image" of their religion more than others.

 

Some anti-religious folks do the same.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wrong verbiage, and not even close to being religiously slanted. You obviously don't know anything about Mormons. They despise anything not white, not straight, not with their beliefs.

 

I'm serious, Mormons are screwed in the head.

 

Maybe you don't know this but there are a whole bunch of Motmkns that aren't white or aren't straight.

 

Not white has been accepted for quite awhile and not straight was accepted in the beginning of the church but has become a cultural issue within it.

 

However, we haven't despised either. Seriously, like where do you live?

 

If you want to find out a little more about his church go to Mormon.org.

 

Warning: the missionaries might put the pressure on. They are young dudes that get pretty excited/gung-ho.

 

One caution though: I wouldn't commit to any guy that wasn't sure what his belief system is. That's part of growing up is making those discoveries and becoming more solid in them.

 

They can define plenty about how your relationship will work; you don't want to be bouncing from one set-up to the next day-to-day.

[dreamingoftigers]

Race acceptance started much earlier than that.

 

That's why a whole bunch of South African members quit the church back in the 70s when they were ordered by the President of the church to extend priesthood ordinance to black people.

 

Boo-hoo. Horrible loss.

 

Perhaps if you think Mormonism is so "out there" you might want to do some exploration on many other world religions.

 

Any really, any family forcing and manipulating their own son to go back into the church is actually going against the teachings of it: allowing people to make their own spiritual choices. In fact, that's a pretty big one.

 

But whatever, you knew intolerant Mormons, you have your own very (closed-minded obviously) view about it. No point dragging things out with someone that wants to propagate hate. Time's a wasting....

 

Just like every single Catholic is a child-molester and every single scientist is an athiest and every single Muslim is a terrorist..... Yawn. It makes people sound so cookie-cutter and boring. Hey, let's not learn anything new, let's just say 14 million people are carbon copies of each other all with the same flaws.....

 

Anyways, good luck girl. Sounds rocky and confusing. Don't let people push you into anything you don't want/aren't ready for. See if his interest is stable/if you can tolerate the church in you life if it is. See what level of commitment he wants to go for etc. Best of luck.

 

I have a physics exam so I can't stay and scrap. All the best.

 

Yeah the race changed when, in the early 1990's and spawned from a college football controversy. Their beliefs are that blacks didn't pick sides between god/devil and were thus punished for their indecision. good stuff..

 

 

I always talk down about religion, but this one is for keeps.. Mormonism is THE most ridiculous of them all, and founded by a chalatan to begin with... I wouldn't associate with such mindless sheeple.

 

I agree it is a blanket-statement, which i have no probably making because it holds true for MOST mormons.. and one pulling their son to church, a son who is so involved... there's going to be a fire, cause there is already smoke.

 

and seeing as though she doesn't buy into any of it... isn't helping at all.

 

so go ahead and say what you will. i've known enough mormons to make such statements.

[sweetkiwi]

morons are strange people sometimes. I know. My family is moron and they have accused me of the worst things. I know a lot of mormon people and the only mildly same ones were the ones of my generation or slightly older. Just my personal experience however.

 

If he gets deeper into the religion you will be expected to convert. He may even go on a mission for 2 years in another country. Is that something you can deal with?

[Els]

I personally would never, ever be with a Mormon, mainly because of the widespread belief amongst them that it is God's will for the men to practice polygyny. This doesn't apply to all Mormons, obviously, but it is a pretty common practice.

 

But all that aside, I think you should focus less on how much he attends church and more on how his religion affects his relationship with YOU. Can you see yourself living with this man for the long term, or for the rest of your life?

[umirano]

I'd suggest not to associate with religious people. You never know when they digg out something really crazy from some really old book and make it their life-guiding principle.

 

Also, religious people are by definition ok with the most absurd claims on our world. The discrepancy between reality and how some people perceive it, would make it very difficult for me to live my life with them.