How my brief encounter as the OW may have just saved me....

[Scarlett5]

Prepare for the longest post in history!

 

I’ve been reading through posts on this forum for a few weeks now and some of you give such great advice and insight. It’s really helped me knowing that I’m not the only one in a confusing and emotionally draining situation, and that there are others who share my feelings and opinions – as well as those who don’t, which has also been interesting and given me food for thought. So thanks everyone

 

I’ve wanted to share my story; at the very least I find it therapeutic to write things down and it helps me reflect. But, I’ve noticed that some posters can be extremely harsh, and also that a lot of you have been deeply involved with your MM for many years. I wasn’t sure how my situation would come across, as I was nowhere near as involved. But…..what my brief affair hasuncovered has been very revealing, and some of you f/OW may be able to relate.

 

In the form of one big slap in the face it’s forced me to take a hard look at myself and recognise how my early years/relationship with my parents have affected me and my relationship choices as I got older.

 

To the outside world I’m a confident, independent girl who, while not the luckiest in love, has spent her 20s getting to know herself, and growing into a strong and fun individual who knows what she wants and can be quite determined to succeed and make the most of life. As well as life experience, I have also recently finished my degree and am starting out in a new career. I look after myself, I’m attractive, and I get quite a lot of male attention. I go on dates and, to other people, I probably just come across as being a little bit fussy and happy to be single and wait for the right guy. I also have a great set of close friends.

 

I’m happy with who I am as a person….but in reality, I can often feel so empty inside that it hurts. For me, relationships are a huge stumbling block and something I’ve always struggled with. From being shy and ugly in school, I suppose I never felt good enough to be anyone’s girlfriend. I think when I eventually grew into my looks and became confident; the subconscious damage was already done. Fast forward to age 27 and I’ve never been in a serious or long term relationship. I rarely meet guys I’m interested in or feel compatible with, and I’m as confused as ever as to how I can change this.

 

In my opinion, there are two main things that have contributed to this. One: I grew up without a ‘Dad’. He became less involved in my life after around aged 3 when he and my Mum split for good. Contact was maintained mainly by his parents and although I still see him and am in regular contact with him now, I've never had a close relationship with him and he's not played the role of a father in my life. So I figure ‘losing’ my Dad so young has made me fear rejection, maybe abandonment, and also repeat this pattern in adult life – subconsciously being drawn to ‘unavailable’ men, fighting for their affection and trying to recreate the scenario with my Dad – as that’s what I learned about relationships at that crucial age and it feels familiar to me.

 

And two: I was raised by a strong willed independent Mum, who didn’t get into another relationship until I was 15. My Grandma and Grandad were also heavily involved in my upbringing (Mum’s parents), almost like a second Mum and Dad, but my Grandma was also extremely independent and definitely wore the trousers.

 

I think I grew up subconsciously believing that men didn’t really have a purpose and weren’t needed. I had no real idea about relationships either, as I had never really witnessed what a healthy one should look like, and so I didn’t seek a companion, as many of us subconsciously do from a young age. Sure, I fancied boys from age 5 and loved being around them, but I just felt shy and would never have told them or done anything about it. When someone expressed an interest in me it’d scare the hell out of me. Like, what do I do here?? Why do they like me and what do they want from me?? This was probably me up until the age of about 16.

 

When I lost my virginity, even that guy was someone I was ‘casually’ seeing. Despite the fact I was really into him and liked him a hell of a lot, I just didn’t know how to be his girlfriend, and so I shared him - as if I didn’t believe I was good enough for anything more. I’d heard he wanted me as his girlfriend, but again, I just didn’t know how to make it happen. It breaks my heart that that was my 15/16 year old self. I should have been with my first love– someone who was with only me and treated me well. Or at least believed that’s what I deserved.

 

From aged 16-24 my ‘relationships’ consisted of me liking someone, they liked me, and we either had a casual set-up or a FWB situation. Usually I fell for the guy but didn’t really know how to show my feelings and progress to the relationship stage. I was always afraid of coming across too keen, in case they didn’t feel the same. So I guess in reality, I came across an uninterested and gave them the green light to keep it casual. I hated this though, as I wasn’t the type to sleep around, so I usually ended up hurt in those situations and left wondering why these guys only wanted one thing. There was one main guy who I was seeing for a few years, we had amazing sex and we got very close emotionally. Although the casual scenario just caused hurt for me a lot of the time, and again, I never had the balls to say ‘I want us to commit’. So I guess I just didn’t see it as a possibility.

 

After that age, I got pretty fed up of always finding myself in the same situation and was completely disheartened. I needed a break. Everyone around me found it so easy to meet their boyfriends and have a relationship. What the hell was happening to me and why wasn’t I the same? For me, it was just emotionally painful. At that time though, I thought I just hadn’t met the right person and that it would all figure itself out eventually.

 

A couple of years later I had my one main relationship which lasted 6 months. Short, but pretty serious. Quite early on, the guy expressed his concerns thatI didn’t really come across as being interested in him, and that I was almost unavailable emotionally. I love affection, and being emotionally close and intimate with someone, so this surprised me. But this was the start of me looking back at my ‘relationships’ and piecing things together.

 

I knew I’d held back previously because I feared rejection and didn’t think I was good enough, but even when I felt as though I’d overcome that, I still found it very hard to let myself go and let my guard down, although I wanted to do that more than anything, so why couldn’t I? So frustrating.

 

We all need to feel needed in life, and while guys may well be attracted to me and find it easy to fall for me, I have never made any of them feel emotionally needed. So they have never invested in me either.

 

I have tears in my eyes writing this….I can’t believe how things have turned out.

 

Where I’m at now:

 

Gradually, I have grown to crave emotional closeness, and the consistent intimacy I have always longed for. Everyone around me appears to be ‘happily’ coupled up and I look on as if I’m stuck in a glass cage. I know what I want; I just don’t for the life of me know how to get it. But I feel like I’m missing out, big time! And I feel somewhat inferior. What seems so easy for everyone else is so difficult for me.

 

For the past few years, to make things even harder, I have found it really hard to meet guys that I actually like. More often than not, the ones who show an interest in me, I don’t feel attracted to….even the ones I go on dates with and actually make an effort to get to know, my feelings don’t develop. This has left me feeling even more disheartened. Sure, I have always concentrated on other areas of my life and my own personal development, but this area of my life has always niggled away at the back of my mind and has caused me to be miserable deep down.

 

I miss fancying someone, getting butterflies and feeling excited to hear from them and to see them. At one stage, I was even beginning to wonder if I’d become so damaged and hurt that I wasn’t capable of having strong feelings like that anymore. And then disaster struck. I met a guy and fell for him in an instant - a feeling I hadn’t felt for a long LONG time.

 

I had pushed my relationship issues to the back of my mind for the time being and was concentrating on finishing my studies, getting a job etc, when I met this guy. I was in such a good place at the time and felt quite content and happy. Enjoying a night out with friends, we got chatting and hit it off straight away. As I have said, I very rarely like anyone that fast (or that much) so it was a pleasant surprise. I was kind of excited….he was gorgeous, funny, I felt comfortable with him, like I’d known him for ages. And he liked me too, which he made very obvious, although he seemed kind of surprised and even a bit shy at times. Perfect…I couldn’t believe my luck! Until………he told me he was engaged

 

Yes, at that point I should have got the hell out of there. But I felt on top of the world feelings I thought I was numb to, and so I reasoned with myself that one night of chatting and flirting wouldn’t do any harm. Oh how wrong was I! We were inseparable all night, kissing, chatting, flirting (I didn’t sleep with him). We met up only once after that (distance issue), but maintained constant contact.

 

Fast forward four months to the end of this ‘affair’, and I’m a wreck. I allowed myself to totally fall for this guy, I let my guard down and let him into fill a huge void in my life that I didn’t even realise was there – or wouldn’t admit to myself was there. I now can’t get him out of my head. I ended the affair, as from day 1 I knew that each day I carried on with it, I was just prolonging the inevitable. I was never going to be ok with having an affair, and he was never going to be single, so there was no point.

 

I’m now scared that I’ll never meet someone I like this much ever again (ridiculous, I know). After holding my feelings in for so long, I stupidly let them roam free on this guy and now I am addicted to how he made me feel. He reminded me what I’m missing and what I’ve craved for so long. And that’s why he was so hard to give up.

 

The fact I allowed myself to get into this situation and cause myself so much pain was enough for me to question why the hell I had done so. I think this has been a valuable learning curve for me. It’s made me face up to reality. The reality of my true feelings, my relationship patterns, my fears, and it has highlighted the things I struggle with the most and the issues I have when it comes to men and relationships, including my boundaries. I have a real vulnerability in this area, and that’s hard for me to deal with because it’s not reflected in other areas of my life.

 

I have pieced a lot together and it has been somewhat of a relief for me to be able to find an explanation for my ‘unluckiness’ in love. I do believe this ‘affair’ had to happen for me to break the cycle of my unhealthy relationship patterns and hopefully move on with my life. I just wish there was a less painful way.

 

But now I have recognised my core beliefs and behaviours, and where they have come from, how the hell do I change them?

 

I’ve recently been on a few dates with other guys. I get to a point where I think I’m fine, on the right track to getting over this situation and moving on, taking with me the valuable lessons I have learned. And then I’ll go on adate and BAM! I can’t get MM out of my head, especially the next day. It’s like torture and I land back on square1.

 

I guess I just underestimated how big a deal meeting this guy has been for me, and I can’t believe the effect it’s had on me after just a few months.

 

As I've mentioned, one of my main issues now is actually finding a guy I like. I’ve never actually gone out looking - I’ve always let them come to me. I need to change this and make more effort, I realise that now. But I’m not sure it’s just a case of me not having met the right person….how do I know it’s not something within myself that’s holding me back and stopping me from meeting him?

 

On the one hand, I think 27 is a great age to meet a guy…. I’m much more confident in myself now and feel I have a lot to offer. I hope that guys around my age have also learned from their own experiences and as a result, are more self aware and know what they want from life and a relationship, as well as what they are willing to give back. On the other hand, I worry that those guys will have been snapped up by now. What do you think? Have I really missed the boat here? I don’t actually think I have….I just feel like I have.

 

Anyway thanks for reading my life story (oooops, sorry about that ). It’s really helped me to write it all down and share it, and I hope it helps some of you too.

 

I’m still extremely confused and I need time to heal, but I’m determined to really work on this and change this area of my life for the better. If anyone has any advice or insight, it would be greatly appreciated. I know it will take time, I’m just not sure what to do next…and I can’t really afford therapy. God damn our childhoods hey, but I think it’s time for me to finally move on

[MrVegas]

You promised long, you did not disappoint.

 

It's good that you are identifying some of what has held you back over the years, it's hard to fix what you don't know is broken. It's unfortunate that many parents don't pay much attention to how their actions shape their kids, and the fallout that can last for years. My father was also pretty absent, and fairly destructive. I also grew up with no example of how a man should treat his girlfriend/wife and kids. It took many years for me to figure out why I couldn't keep a relationship, and realize that I had some blame in what was happening. By realizing where I was going wrong, I was able to change what I wanted in a relationship, and more importantly in myself. I also gained some self-confidence and a sense of self-worth, steering me clear of some poor relationship choices.

 

It seems like you have also been able to determine that you are worthy of a truly fantastic guy, and turned a situation that could have been destructive choice into an excellent decision and learning opportunity. Your feelings are real, don't be afraid to express them. And as unfun as heartache can be, never telling someone you desire how you feel only leaves regret, and it seems you carry enough of that already.

 

Best of luck to you in your hunt for romance, take risks, have fun, be safe, and don't let anyone change your moral compass.

 

Whoo, that was a long reply

[2sure]

I also grew up in a household where it seemed like men were there, but an after thought.

 

Myself , sisters, my grown niece all have emotional intimacy problems with men although we are all currently or have been married.

 

Ditto to everything in your post regarding just not knowing how a relationship is supposed to be navigated or what it looks like.

 

Ditto to being in a relationship and being surprised when my partner thinks he is way mnore into than me.

 

I eventually became quite comfortable in affair relationships, with regret.

Looking back it is easy for me to see that I thought it was the only successful way to get my emotional and physical needs met without being burdened with failing to figure it all out.

 

 

 

You had very little and very brief contact with MM and you might not think so right now...but Im betting that what you subconsciously find most attractive about him is that....He is as emotionally unavailable as you are.

 

At least thats the way its been for me.