Help! I'm crazy! Jealous of his FAMILY???

[AlwaysHope]

hi! i am in a relationship with a WONDERFUL guy. we've been together for a year and a half and i love him with all my heart. i know he loves me too, but even now that we have been at school for a few years (i am 20 and he is 21), he is SUPER CLOSE to his family. don't get me wrong, i think it's great! i love my parents too! i am just not as dependent on my family as he is.

 

sometimes we have had fights over unrelated issues where he will say he needs to go, and he will call me back. he calls me back and says that he's been talking to his mother about what to do. why does this bother me so much? the fact that he can't talk to me but he can discuss our problems with his mother? it makes me SO jealous!

 

to add to the stress, his older sister is happily married and successful and just found out she is pregnant. now the attention i received before as a female in his family is completely obliterated. i don't want to sound like a horrible person; i'm SO happy for her and i'm excited about the baby too. i hate these feelings and that's why i'm writing.

 

what is wrong with me that i'm jealous of his FAMILY??? they pose no sexual/dating threat to me, they are sweet people, and i should be proud to be with a guy who loves his parents, right?? then why do i get touchy and hurt when he wants to spend time with them? is this just a mother-in-law complex waiting to happen? HELP!!! i'm hurting myself and him (although we have never ever discussed this; i think it might be a really bad idea).

 

thanks for ANY INPUT WHATSOEVER!!!!

[Pained]

You might just feel left out and/or insecure about other things. Do you have friends? Are you fairly close to your family? I don't know if he's dependent on him as much as just very open with them.

 

Don't be jealous....his mother is his MOTHER. It's her job to love him. And don't be jealous of his sister. Having a baby, especially if it's the first, is a big thing, and she and the baby SHOULD be the center of attention for now.

 

Perhaps you aren't getting enough attention in your own life. Chances are people probably really love and care about you, but you aren't realizing it. Maybe you could vent to someone you know would comfort you.

[AlwaysHope]

i think you're right; we've been long distance over this summer while i've been in school. i've been living by myself in an apartment and not really having human contact so i guess maybe i am expecting him to supply all the attention i haven't gotten this summer.

 

i know i'm insecure. it's really sad; i go through phases (like everyone else) of believing i am beautiful and desirable and a good partner, but then sometimes i REALLY want to be flirted with, or bought a drink, or TOLD those things.

 

anyway, how do i become more self-reliant? i LOVE this man, but i don't want my ENTIRE life to revolve around him? the past two years i've had groups of male friends. i think i need a good girlfriend. but i'm SO SAD when we're not together!!! i feel so immature, like i'm a twelve-year-old who has to be on the phone with her "boyfriend" 24/7!!! haha, well pained, thanks for the advice!!

[Pained]

I used to mostly just have male friends too, but having female friends is even better, because they're usually more sensitive and complimentary without wanting to get you into bed.

 

What are your hobbies? What are your goals and dreams? You may not feel like it now, but your life is every bit as important as his, and your dreams are extremely important and shouldn't be neglected. What do you want to be when you grow up, so to speak?

[AlwaysHope]

well, what i want to be when i grow up is an excellent question, which has been closely linked to my boyfriend in the past year.

 

i started college as pre-med, didn't do as well as i wanted, and switched to nursing. right around the switch i was very serious with my boyfriend and we started talking about our ideas on marriage and what we wanted from our romantic lives (this was about 8 months ago?). we both agreed that being married once out of college and before professional school was nice. we started talking about it all the time, and he seemed very content and excited. i was thrilled to be with someone stable.

 

i am finishing my pre-nursing classes and about to apply to nursing school in february. until this point, i have had this idyllic image of graduation followed by a ring and a wedding. about a month ago, it came up in conversation that my boyfriend "doesn't really know what he wants anymore." ummm...i have changed my career choice for him. he always said we would get married as soon as he could financially support me, but now he says that as soon as he has enough money he wants to spend a few months in europe.

 

okay. i understand wanting to keep your options open, be flexible, etc. but i don't think it's fair or even POSSIBLE to just lose those serious feelings you have for someone. he really was serious, too. this isn't me just being a girl. he used to talk about it just as much as i did.

 

so now i'm kind of stuck in nursing, which (i know, a mistake) i did because i wanted a guaranteed job out of college because i thought we would be married. i feel so stupid now. he is so wonderful, though!!! he was worth it!!! i knew that if we were together that would be all i needed.

 

omg this has turned into the longest post ever; no one is going to want to read this. sorry!!!

 

pained, i guess i really need to go back to medicine or law or one of the time-consuming things i was doing before. i need to find some close female friends and have girls' night, and go to a club every once in a while, and stay a 20-year-old-girl like i am. i just feel disappointed and slightly betrayed, and mistrustful of his feelings for me if it was so easy to get rid of them.

 

::sigh::

 

are very serious relationships even an option when we are this young? am i just going to end up getting hurt? expecting marriage and being strung along for years? if only it were easier...