Boyfriend Has Ogling Eyes & Wonder If He is Faithful

[bluecolor579]

I can be long-winded so will try to make this brief. Been living with this person for over 4 years. He has always loved to stare at other women in my presence. Always younger women--from 18 to upper 20's and all gorgeous. This has been a huge issue. I told him I don't have a prob. with you looking all you want when you are not with me, but when we are together it hurts my feelings and makes me feel unattractive, insecure, etc. (He is 48, I am 52). He always has told me how much he loves me and been affectionate and he has never been attracted to anyone but me, but finds others attractive (Completely normal to me). However, his actions seem to override that--as he seems to tune me out when there is an attractive woman nearby--at times not even being able to repeat what I was saying for his looking at her. He gets this look in his eyes --actually the way he used to look at me when we first got together. Recently he admitted that he really did have an attraction for this 28 year old which he denied having. I already knew this for all the staring at her (she used to live across the street) and he he was trying to get her business card to "do business with her" right in front of me, which she didn't give him. Then he got upset later at me and told me that he would like to go visit with her when she was on her porch sometime. I said, if you are not interested in her, why do you want to go see her? He said, because he is a friendly person and she seemed nice and someone he'd like to get to know. When I got upset at that, he accused me of not wanting him to have any friends and being overly jealous.

He also told me I was trying to use mind control on him and that he would look at as many women as he wants to for as long as he wants to and I cannot do anything about it. Also, he said the intimacy and passion is gone from our relationship. For several months, he has had little interest in sex. (I am almost Always available to him--he cannot even finish most of time and looks away most of time). Yet, through all of this, he still calls me the "love of his life" and tells me to let everything go and not worry, that he is completely devoted to me. I could go on and on but this is already way too long and so sorry I did get long-winded after all. My heart is breaking as I truly do love him. He can be so nice at times, and this is very confusing for me. Please advise and thanks so much!

[darkmoon]

this is time to face the problem squarely, you must accept what you already know, he's not going to change, he hasn't so far, i think he is mixed up

Edited October 22, 2012 by darkmoon

[Chi townD]

He's a guy and guys are very visual creature's. Guy's are gonna look (and girls look just as much, don't kid yourself) But! I would agree with you that if he's outright making it obvious, then that's disrespectful. If it's and innocent peak that he's not acting on, well that human nature. If he's outright jaw hitting, the ground; eyes popping out and drooling. Then you need to talk to him. Tell him that it's disrespectful to you to do that in your presence.

 

Then get your revenge. Rent Magic Mike and make him sit there and watch it with you!

[Ami1uwant]

This is typical.

 

I'm sure he loves you but he probably isn't driven by you sexually maybe because of your appearance. Especially if you look mid 50s and he passes for late 30s.

[sweetkiwi]

i guess his actions according to what you wrote would irritate me as well. My guy looks, but its directed at lots of people. Not only hot women. I look at hot guys too. There are lots here in europe! But he never gets jealous and i try not to worry about things i cannot change.

 

They also kiss on both cheeks socially here. So i really can't be too upset even about physical contact!!

 

But i'm also going through a similar problem myself. My 29 year old boyfriend has stopped kissing me with tongue. Its something i noticed right away and things haven't been the same since.

 

I think the best options are talking and taking matters into your own hands. Kink it up, dress way sexier than normal just for him, initiate things, try new things.

[veggirl]

He sounds disgusting and turning it around on you (mind control?! ) is a big red flag. Plus the way you described your sex life with him. I'd say this guy has one foot out the door already and if something "better" comes along that will give him the time of day, he'll probably be off and running. He sounds like a pig.

[bluecolor579]

thanks for all who took the time to respond to my post. actually i have been told i look alot younger than my age, and after seeing how he is, doubt he would have had a thing to do with me if i did look my age. I have been hit on by much younger guys and i am not going to cheat on him no matter what he does. I'm too old to sleep with someone out of revenge. he is pretty average looking, balding, double chin, beer gut and bird legs with no behind. My Mom told me the first time she met him he was a player and thought he could get any woman he wants before all this stuff started happening. i could understand maybe a little more if he was better looking and had half a chance with these women. i have had several friends tell me we are mis-matched and I could do much better. anyway, have to try and work on my self-esteem and move on. this guy's behavior has made me drink to a dangerous level and i don't want to end up dying over him. someone hopefully is out there that can love and appreciate me and not make me feel so ugly. then again, i want nothing to do with any man for a very long time because i don't trust any of them after all this...maybe I'll just get a dog, as they are very faithful.

[sweetkiwi]

he sounds gross. Head games are bad. Find your strength and go no contact!!! Whatever you do don't make the next guy pay for the last ones sins.

[dasein]

This is not "typical," despite conventional wisdom to the contrary. Looking is looking, but he crosses the line. You shouldn't tolerate it, and there should be consequences when he does it. Once he's done it enough despite your warnings, be done with him.

[veggirl]

This is not "typical," despite conventional wisdom to the contrary. Looking is looking, but he crosses the line. You shouldn't tolerate it, and there should be consequences when he does it. Once he's done it enough despite your warnings, be done with him.

 

Agreed. There's no point even mentioning it, really, unless you are willing to assert your boundaries and most importantly stand by them.

[freestyle]

The guy sounds like a rebellious teenager:

 

"You can't tell me who I can & can't be friends with..."

 

And he's in his 50's?!?!?

 

Except he's not looking at the neighbor for friendship--he's ogling her--HUGE difference.

 

Ignoring you, & ogling, or even chatting up someone else should be a dealbreaker. Yep--I think you could do much better, too. This guy sounds like he's either clueless...or callous....neither of which make for a healthy partnership.

 

The odds are that the longer you put up with this, the more it will erode your self-esteem.

[threebyfate]

Recently he admitted that he really did have an attraction for this 28 year old which he denied having. I already knew this for all the staring at her (she used to live across the street) and he he was trying to get her business card to "do business with her" right in front of me, which she didn't give him. Then he got upset later at me and told me that he would like to go visit with her when she was on her porch sometime. I said, if you are not interested in her, why do you want to go see her? He said, because he is a friendly person and she seemed nice and someone he'd like to get to know. When I got upset at that, he accused me of not wanting him to have any friends and being overly jealous.

He's exceeded being normal and is openly showing you that he not only would cheat if the opportunity crops up but that he will actively pursue it, in front of you.

 

Also, he said the intimacy and passion is gone from our relationship. For several months, he has had little interest in sex. (I am almost Always available to him--he cannot even finish most of time and looks away most of time).

A guy who's normally into sex who suddenly turns off so dramatically and consistently, is clearly announcing to you that he's no longer feeling it.

 

Two HUGE red flags. It's time to dust this dude and fast. If you're cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and sharing residence with him, he might find it convenient to stick around, declaring everlasting affection. Be strong and don't fold. Walk.

[Michal2012]

After reading this thread i am say sorry to you. This is really very very bad with you no one can trust any man after read this.

[Minka333]

I think this guy is manipulating you. He is doing the ogling and flirting on purpose to attack your self-esteem.

 

Based on your description of him, i guess he is very insecure. He knows no hot, young chick would give him any attention. He is deflecting his frustrations on you. He is disrespecting and belittling you with his rude ways to make him feel better and above you..and to condition your mind that you are undesirable so that you wouldn't leave him.*He prolly knows you can do better. I'm sure he'll panic at the thought of a better man snatching you.*

 

You need to stand up for yourself coz' everytime he sees you put up with his behaviour, he feels validated that you ain't going nowhere. So he keeps stretching your patience. Testing how far he can go.

 

Lay your boundaries and give him serious consequences. He won't stop as long as you allow it. He will only eat your spirit alive. Remember, no man has the right to make you feel like crap.

[wallyy4]

You sound like a beautiful lady, and you do not deserve the way this guy is treating you. I would give him the untmatum, not have him give you one. Tell him he is to stop looking and lusting over others, or you are gone. And then, be gone. He does not respect you, or he wouldnt be doing that. I am married and would never ever treat my wife like that. I am 39 so dont have the years of experience you do, but I can tell from your words, you are a lovely woman. I would be happy to talk more with you, if you would like. [email protected]

[Sporty Girl]

You sound like a beautiful lady, and you do not deserve the way this guy is treating you. I would give him the untmatum, not have him give you one. Tell him he is to stop looking and lusting over others, or you are gone. And then, be gone. He does not respect you, or he wouldnt be doing that. I am married and would never ever treat my wife like that. I am 39 so dont have the years of experience you do, but I can tell from your words, you are a lovely woman. I would be happy to talk more with you, if you would like. [email protected]

 

Yeah sure Wally for you. That's why you are handing out your email address.

[bluecolor579]

I think I already have a "Wally" here, thus my posting. Men!