Necris Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I know the people on this forum love to extol the virtues of confidence, but honestly I find that confidence doesn't matter. What do you guys think, and why do you always keep telling people "gain some confidence"? Honestly people how is feeling confident going to do anything? Feeling confident that I can knock out a heavyweight boxing champion in the ring doesn't make it so. Then there is the issue of acquiring confidence most people get confident through experience you don't just magically acquire confidence. Normal people won't feel confident racing against Usain Bolt if they've always failed to get anywhere close to his times in a race. In my own personal experience my own confidence was always irrelevant when I talk to women the result is always the same whether I felt confident or not, the only difference is how I take the inevitable rejection. When I'm feeling confident, feeling great feeling like "I got this", I still get rejected 100% of the time, the rejection however stings a little bit more it feels sort of like failing a test that you felt so good about excelling in only to get a slap in the face. When I don't feel confident, knowing I'm going to fail, I still get rejected but the difference is I don't feel bad about rejection as I've already anticipated the inevitable so I feel okay sometimes I may even feel relief. So in the end I actually feel better without confidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Devil Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I am curious, do you go out to meet women. Are you able to go up to a stranger and initiate a conversation? Link to post Share on other sites
espec10001 Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Well, dating is sort of like job hunting. There are techniques and ways that are way more effective than others. Like, where are you meeting these girls, what are you saying to them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Necris Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 I am curious, do you go out to meet women. Are you able to go up to a stranger and initiate a conversation? I do at times try to meet women though I don't do things like the bar or club scene I prefer quieter settings or try to talk to girls in my social group. Also I'm capable of talking to a stranger though I don't like it plus I'm not the most charismatic or ultra good looking so its rather worthless. Anyway what are your thoughts on confidence do you think it has some worth? Link to post Share on other sites
HeldbyGravity Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I know the people on this forum love to extol the virtues of confidence, but honestly I find that confidence doesn't matter. What do you guys think, and why do you always keep telling people "gain some confidence"? Honestly people how is feeling confident going to do anything? Feeling confident that I can knock out a heavyweight boxing champion in the ring doesn't make it so. Then there is the issue of acquiring confidence most people get confident through experience you don't just magically acquire confidence. Normal people won't feel confident racing against Usain Bolt if they've always failed to get anywhere close to his times in a race. In my own personal experience my own confidence was always irrelevant when I talk to women the result is always the same whether I felt confident or not, the only difference is how I take the inevitable rejection. When I'm feeling confident, feeling great feeling like "I got this", I still get rejected 100% of the time, the rejection however stings a little bit more it feels sort of like failing a test that you felt so good about excelling in only to get a slap in the face. When I don't feel confident, knowing I'm going to fail, I still get rejected but the difference is I don't feel bad about rejection as I've already anticipated the inevitable so I feel okay sometimes I may even feel relief. So in the end I actually feel better without confidence. It is healthy to be at least a little confident, because a person will pick up on how you feel about yourself. Confidence to the point of cockiness is MAJORLY unattractive and I am more concerned with genuine positive feelings than a guy being confident... but people will treat you how you treat yourself, keep that in mind. The unconfident thing would also backfire if it keeps you from being yourself. A first impression gives someone a quick look at what they would be getting into. They don't want to have to pump up your self esteem constantly, and that's the impression they will get if you have zero confidence. There has to be an EVEN give and take in any relationship. So... nerves are normal and fine, being yourself is best and at least a little confidence is attractive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Necris Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 It is healthy to be at least a little confident, because a person will pick up on how you feel about yourself. Confidence to the point of cockiness is MAJORLY unattractive and I am more concerned with genuine positive feelings than a guy being confident... but people will treat you how you treat yourself, keep that in mind. The unconfident thing would also backfire if it keeps you from being yourself. A first impression gives someone a quick look at what they would be getting into. They don't want to have to pump up your self esteem constantly, and that's the impression they will get if you have zero confidence. There has to be an EVEN give and take in any relationship. So... nerves are normal and fine, being yourself is best and at least a little confidence is attractive. I'm not talking about acting unconfident, but feeling unconfident. Going around acting like you are worthless and telling people you are permasingle isn't that smart. I'm not too good at talking with women but I try to make up for it with telling jokes and trying to be funny so they'll see me as a cool guy. Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 It's not just confidence but what confidence leads to. It leads to taking action and being bold, which is ultimately what women are drawn to, in my opinion. When I'm confident, I'll say or do things to women that takes balls to do. I'm confident that if they don't like it, I'll find someone who will. I think the things I say and do are more of what turns them on, and not exactly the confidence, but the byproduct of it. Being able to touch them in ways most men nowadays are scared to touch them and whatnot. Not being scared to disagree with a girl or tell her no, as opposed to ass kissing and worshipping the ground she walks on. I'm able to do those things because I'm confident they will like it and if they don't, who cares. Link to post Share on other sites
InJest Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I think your problem is that you see a pretty girl and you're dumbstruck. To me, the type of confidence people are talking about, is the confidence to not care whether the girl says yes or no, or really to not even think about it. When I ask a girl out, it's not, "Umm umm, excuse me, do you think maybe we could go on a dinner date sometime?" It's, "hey, let's go hike to this lake, Saturday.", or "Let's go to this festival, this weekend." or whatever it is I'm inviting them to do. Don't phrase it as a question. Just say, lets go do it, like there isn't even an option to say no. Confidence definitely is not overrated, but its glaringly obvious that you don't have any, so you don't really have a way to test it, so your claim is baseless to begin with. As far as building confidence without positive feedback from women, you need to be good at something and know you're good at it. That's why I suggest people picking up hobbies they want learn, and consistently pursuing it and getting better. It will carry over. It did for me at least. Also, don't tell jokes if you're not funny. What do you do for fun? What are you good at already? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Necris Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 That's why I suggest people picking up hobbies they want learn, and consistently pursuing it and getting better. It will carry over. It did for me at least. Also, don't tell jokes if you're not funny. What do you do for fun? What are you good at already? See that makes no sense, I have plenty of things I'm confident that I'm good in but that's not going to carry over. Tiger Woods maybe confident that he can beat a heavyweight boxing champ in a game of golf but I doubt he'd have that same confidence in a boxing match. As for telling jokes they don't seem to work very well at times but I have been told I can be funny. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
espec10001 Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Just like people exercise their bodies, you can exercise your mind. You know how you have to do reps of exercises in order to see results and a change in your body? Well, the same thing applies with mental exercise. The mind the strongest sexual organ, make no mistake. Read some books, not trashy pick up books, but books that expand your mind. Gives your mind more strength. Just like a body that is worked on can lift heavier objects, a mind exercised will be able to lift heavier concepts and ideas. One heavy idea you have is that you're no good, or that you aren't good with women. If you practice something like yoga or mindful thought patterns, your confidence will shoot up and girls will seem like nothing in comparison. Women respond mostly in the mental realms, that's what turns them on the most. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
InJest Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 See that makes no sense, I have plenty of things I'm confident that I'm good in but that's not going to carry over. Tiger Woods maybe confident that he can beat a heavyweight boxing champ in a game of golf but I doubt he'd have that same confidence in a boxing match. As for telling jokes they don't seem to work very well at times but I have been told I can be funny. When someone thinks you're funny, they don't tell you, they just laugh. However, if a drunk girl says you're funny, that generally means she wants you to **** her brains out. Your analogy is a stupid one. Confidence is a reflection of your self worth. I've always been good looking with money to burn, but I wasn't always successful with women. For a while, I was scared to make a move on girls that I knew liked me. Once I got a job, and started doing more things that I enjoyed and was proud of, that confidence just came out in conversation, and I honestly stopped giving a **** what any woman thought of me. Some of it may have been superficial, since I started dressing a bit nicer too, but really I just didn't care anymore. Some girls liked it, some girls didn't, but I started to get a lot more pussy, a lot easier, and from all different types of girls. Once girls see you doing you, and being successful at it, they'll want a piece. You never answered my questions to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Necris Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 When someone thinks you're funny, they don't tell you, they just laugh. However, if a drunk girl says you're funny, that generally means she wants you to **** her brains out. Your analogy is a stupid one. Confidence is a reflection of your self worth. I've always been good looking with money to burn, but I wasn't always successful with women. For a while, I was scared to make a move on girls that I knew liked me. Once I got a job, and started doing more things that I enjoyed and was proud of, that confidence just came out in conversation, and I honestly stopped giving a **** what any woman thought of me. Some of it may have been superficial, since I started dressing a bit nicer too, but really I just didn't care anymore. Some girls liked it, some girls didn't, but I started to get a lot more pussy, a lot easier, and from all different types of girls. Once girls see you doing you, and being successful at it, they'll want a piece. I was just saying my jokes usually work on my friends and sometimes on other random people. So I thought I was funny, but being funny doesn't actually help much, but it can work in breaking the ice. How you feel about yourself overall is your self-esteem I believe not confidence. Anyway, so what you are saying isn't actually feel confident in my abilities but just stop caring all together? Perhaps I do care about these things too much in all honesty it isn't that important so I need to stop caring, my care has been decreasing steadily, not caring does have the advantage in that you simply don't care if you get companionship or not you could care less about irrelevant things like that so it doesn't matter one way or another if a girl likes you or not and you'll still feel good regardless. Honestly I don't think that would help you get a relationship with a woman but again you won't care anyway. I need to work on that. Link to post Share on other sites
yongyong Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Are you stupid? Tiger Woods maybe confident that he can beat a heavyweight boxing champ in a game of golf but I doubt he'd have that same confidence in a boxing match. Link to post Share on other sites
SteveC80 Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) I would agree in the sense that its not a magic pill if a women thinks youre ugnattractive shes not all of a sudden gonna go "wow hes confident now i find him hot " Plus when i was younger and a little insecure it didnt matter because women would hit on me all the time and let it be known they want me which eventually gave me confidence but before i gained confidence i still did well because vagina was practically handed to me by some women who found me attractive So yes confidence can be at times an overused overblown cliche in the dating world in a sense because its not a magical pill that will make women automatcially attracted to you like some people make it seem What it really means is a Man unless youre really good lookign youre not gonna get approached alot so you need the "confidence" to be able to approach as many Women as possible shrug off rejection and play the numbers game till you get a yes Edited October 22, 2012 by SteveC80 Link to post Share on other sites
InJest Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 How you feel about yourself overall is your self-esteem I believe not confidence. Anyway, so what you are saying isn't actually feel confident in my abilities but just stop caring all together? Perhaps I do care about these things too much in all honesty it isn't that important so I need to stop caring, my care has been decreasing steadily, not caring does have the advantage in that you simply don't care if you get companionship or not you could care less about irrelevant things like that so it doesn't matter one way or another if a girl likes you or not and you'll still feel good regardless. Honestly I don't think that would help you get a relationship with a woman but again you won't care anyway. I need to work on that. Now you're starting to get it. You need to have enough going on in your life that you feel fulfilled on your own. That is what shines through. Otherwise, it will seem like you are trying too hard..and you probably will be. Women don't want a man that is trying to "get a relationship". They want to be chosen, not settled for because you'll take anything you can get. Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 In my opinion, "confidence" is one of those things like "sense of humor" which people claim matter when trying to attract women, but which in fact matter very little. I am willing to believe that confidence may give a guy the edge over an equally good-looking but non-confident guy, but it's not going to give homely guys the edge over better-looking guys, no matter how confident they may be. Link to post Share on other sites
InJest Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Nomad, sense of humor matters in that they don't want a tightass that takes everything seriously. Confidence matters in that, they don't want a guy that doesn't think they deserve them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) Nomad, sense of humor matters in that they don't want a tightass that takes everything seriously. Confidence matters in that, they don't want a guy that doesn't think they deserve them. Perhaps (though I'm skeptical even of that - perhaps a girl could find the guy's shyness or reticence "cute"). However, that doesn't mean that confidence or sense of humor alone (i.e. without looks) is going to win over the girl. Edited October 22, 2012 by Nomad Link to post Share on other sites
InJest Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Perhaps (though I'm skeptical even of that - perhaps a girl could find the guy's shyness or reticence "cute"). However, that doesn't mean that confidence or sense of humor along (i.e. without looks) is going to win over the girl. Shyness and reticence means you're a pussy to most women. Necris said he's a decent looking guy, so I think confidence would go a long way. It certainly did for me. I look the same now as I did in high school, so why is that I didn't start getting laid regularly until, I stopped trying so hard? Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) Shyness and reticence means you're a pussy to most women. Necris said he's a decent looking guy, so I think confidence would go a long way. It certainly did for me. I look the same now as I did in high school, so why is that I didn't start getting laid regularly until, I stopped trying so hard? I have no idea. I also have no idea how stopping "trying so hard" demonstrates confidence. Are you good-looking? If confidence is such an important factor, why is it that couples assort so strongly on the basis of looks? Are there simply no ugly but confident men? Edited October 22, 2012 by Nomad Link to post Share on other sites
Necromancer Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 In my opinion, "confidence" is one of those things like "sense of humor" which people claim matter when trying to attract women, but which in fact matter very little. I am willing to believe that confidence may give a guy the edge over an equally good-looking but non-confident guy, but it's not going to give homely guys the edge over better-looking guys, no matter how confident they may be. This guy gets it. Most people have average confidence, if you want to use it at your advantage you have to be extremely confident. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Necris Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 Are you stupid? Now why do you say that? I was just pointing out being confident in one thing doesn't make you confident in everything, in my example Tiger Woods is known for being a world class top of the world golfer if you pit him against a boxer in a golfing tournament he'd probably feel quite confident that he can kick his a**, if you pit Tiger Woods against a boxer in a boxing match, well... his confidence is probably going to be gone, and I don't see him doing anything except getting beat unconscious. Same thing with dating I may feel confident in other things I'm knowledgeable at like playing video games, computer skills, history, hiking, religious studies, various sciences, I'm like an encyclopedia but women? I have literally zero success so I'm not too confident. Link to post Share on other sites
yongyong Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 That's your problem right there. Why are you trying to argue with people to prove you are pathetic as f-ck? 'hey man, I think you can get better, keep your head up, believe in yourself' 'believe in myself? WTF? I never had a success. don't give me B.S' All those positive replies are B.S I think you are totally right. Now why do you say that? I was just pointing out being confident in one thing doesn't make you confident in everything, in my example Tiger Woods is known for being a world class top of the world golfer if you pit him against a boxer in a golfing tournament he'd probably feel quite confident that he can kick his a**, if you pit Tiger Woods against a boxer in a boxing match, well... his confidence is probably going to be gone, and I don't see him doing anything except getting beat unconscious. Same thing with dating I may feel confident in other things I'm knowledgeable at like playing video games, computer skills, history, hiking, religious studies, various sciences, I'm like an encyclopedia but women? I have literally zero success so I'm not too confident. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Necris Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 (edited) That's your problem right there. Why are you trying to argue with people to prove you are pathetic as f-ck? 'hey man, I think you can get better, keep your head up, believe in yourself' 'believe in myself? WTF? I never had a success. don't give me B.S' All those positive replies are B.S I think you are totally right. Hey I'm just saying at least for me my confidence in a particular arena is based off of experience in that arena. I honestly can't see how it would be different. How did you get confidence in attracting people did you obtain it despite being continuously rejected and never getting anywhere? Most people gain confidence from getting positive results. Also I honestly don't see how confidence will help anyone. On a side note believing in yourself doesn't produce results at best it can help you to continue to persevere in the hopes that you'll one day achieve results but that's it. Edited October 23, 2012 by Necris 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Necris Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Anyway when you guys say confidence are you perhaps confusing confidence with self-esteem? Link to post Share on other sites
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