Confidence is overrated

[Necris]

As I said recently, the amount of energy people dispel denouncing confidence, they could actually start building it up. But no......

 

I would honestly like to know where your confidence actually comes from.

 

Also why can't someone just fake confidence?

[threebyfate]

The OLD sites I used don't automatically match people.

If women cared about height, wouldn't they look first? How tall are you?

[Nomad]

So, if it's not looks or height, what might it be?

Well, first, I'm not entirely sure it wasn't height in at least some of the cases.

 

As for the others (i.e. those women with whom I had one date only, and for whom my height wasn't an issue), I don't know. It's a good question, and it's one I've asked myself more than once.

[Nomad]

If women cared about height, wouldn't they look first? How tall are you?

Perhaps they just assume I'm average in height (as, by definition of "average", most guys are...).

 

I am 5'5".

[threebyfate]

Well, first, I'm not entirely sure it wasn't height in at least some of the cases.

 

As for the others (i.e. those women with whom I had one date only, and for whom my height wasn't an issue), I don't know. It's a good question, and it's one I've asked myself more than once.

You're aware that not every date works out, particularly when you're dating strangers. If you consider real life meetings and dates, people have already gauged attractiveness, mannerisms, speech patterns and chemistry, prior to asking anyone out. No offense but online dating to me has got to be the worst venue for people who need to get to know others, prior to shining.

 

If you're shy, this might be you. That you need to get to know women better, before you relax enough to shine. This is an element of confidence and social skills. How well can you read anyone? Even other men?

[Nomad]

You're aware that not every date works out, particularly when you're dating strangers. If you consider real life meetings and dates, people have already gauged attractiveness, mannerisms, speech patterns and chemistry, prior to asking anyone out. No offense but online dating to me has got to be the worst venue for people who need to get to know others, prior to shining.

OLD is pretty much the only thing that's given me even a meager degree of success (though there were periods where I had trouble getting dates even with OLD).

 

If you're shy, this might be you. That you need to get to know women better, before you relax enough to shine. This is an element of confidence and social skills. How well can you read anyone? Even other men?

I honestly don't know how well I can "read" someone...that would depend on the circumstances.

 

And, while I am shy/introverted, in one-on-one situations (such as a date) I can actually be fairly gregarious and make plenty of conversation. For instance, I've never had even a single awkward pause or moment of silence on any of my dates. The conversation flows pretty well.

[ThaWholigan]

I would honestly like to know where your confidence actually comes from.

 

It comes from knowing that failure happens, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, but I'm OK despite that. It also means that I can deal with that better. And it also means that the more OK I am with that, the more likely it is that I will succeed - because I don't depend on the outcome to satiate my happiness.

 

Also why can't someone just fake confidence?

 

You can. The downside is that it takes very little to burst that little bubble. However, just having that boldness can work. The thing about it is that confidence on it's own will enable you to do things, but you still have to learn how to complement that by actually knowing how to talk to women, how to calibrate, body language, blah blah blah etc etc.....I talk about this stuff so many times - do you even listen? .

[threebyfate]

I honestly don't know how well I can "read" someone...that would depend on the circumstances.

 

And, while I am shy/introverted, in one-on-one situations (such as a date) I can actually be fairly gregarious and make plenty of conversation. For instance, I've never had even a single awkward pause or moment of silence on any of my dates. The conversation flows pretty well.

Try this EQ test for facial expressions.

 

Emotional Intelligence Quiz | Greater Good

[Nomad]

Try this EQ test for facial expressions.

 

Emotional Intelligence Quiz | Greater Good

 

Ok, I'll take a look, thanks.

[Hawaii50]

I'm actually not negative in public I try to be the cool funny guy when around women and friends, this forum is just a place to vent my frustrations. I'm not looking for sex or anything like that but I do want to be capable of dating, and perhaps one day get a girlfriend. The best thing for me to do right now though is to just forget about all that and just stop caring and do something else.

 

I also abhor drinking its not that I think its evil, but it does seem to cause more issues than is solves in people, besides alcohol tastes terrible to me, and I'm not the club, bar, party kind of guy. I prefer other venues not as loud and crazy.

 

I'm not a huge drinker either, nor does it ever solve anything.. but I figured, wth, couldn't hurt.. and still can't. lol. I'm a pub guy myself, but usually end up going to where ever friends work (it's cheaper that way).

 

I do find it a little hard that anyone could be that negative in one moment and then shut off the computer and the negativity at the same time.

[InJest]

And, while I am shy/introverted, in one-on-one situations (such as a date) I can actually be fairly gregarious and make plenty of conversation. For instance, I've never had even a single awkward pause or moment of silence on any of my dates. The conversation flows pretty well.

 

Trying to reason with you actually helps me understand my thought process better. Being gregarious doesn't matter if it is just idle chatter, and people also don't really want or need to know everything right away. You have to relate to her, and make her think. People are attracted to people they feel are smarter than them, and whether you are or not, firmly dictating the direction that her mind goes through conversation will make her see you as at least equal on a mental level. That goes a long way.

 

I have a question, that is not so personal. Why would a woman want to date you? What is something you can do or some quality you have, that makes spending time with you worthwhile? Something or some combination of things, that makes you unique or special.

 

Anyway, it's obvious that this kind of thing can't really be taught, so I don't really know what else to say, but, but good luck.

[Necris]

but you still have to learn how to complement that by actually knowing how to talk to women, how to calibrate, body language, blah blah blah etc etc.....I talk about this stuff so many times - do you even listen? .

 

You mention it and I already know that's my main issue right there, not confidence (in RL I'm not hanging my head low, acting sad, and telling everyone I can't get a GF that's silly, I do however try to act cool and funny but either I'm not good at it or that just doesn't work), but I don't know how to fix it. If I always knew what to say, when to say it, where, and how and could perfectly read people the ladies wouldn't stand a chance:lmao:.

Edited October 24, 2012 by Necris

[todreaminblue]

Just like people exercise their bodies, you can exercise your mind. You know how you have to do reps of exercises in order to see results and a change in your body? Well, the same thing applies with mental exercise. The mind the strongest sexual organ, make no mistake.

 

Read some books, not trashy pick up books, but books that expand your mind. Gives your mind more strength. Just like a body that is worked on can lift heavier objects, a mind exercised will be able to lift heavier concepts and ideas. One heavy idea you have is that you're no good, or that you aren't good with women. If you practice something like yoga or mindful thought patterns, your confidence will shoot up and girls will seem like nothing in comparison. Women respond mostly in the mental realms, that's what turns them on the most.

 

 

 

I have luck with men not through confidence because in the men dating realm if i like someone i am not.....i am ex navy i have confidence...i have conditoning to be both confident and shy....i have excelled in many areas but relationships arent in that confidence....there is no way that i can get over i t...i have to adapt my ways to incorporate how i feel not change to fit or suit dating but adapt....which means i just take things slow....i allow my shyness to exist and not fight it all the way i have to accept it its part of me so is the fact i can jump out of a helicopter.....shoot a rifle have acquired any job i have ever gone for( and helped others get employment by what i am able to write to talk them up) and actually i converse well with men when i don't have strong feelings for them...i have to accept it and adapt not change..i have humility i am not perfect..or

if i try and change who i am , everything changes....i dont need to

 

 

i do need a man who can recognise my interest and step up otherwise i am not for that man i dont want a man to change but also be willing to adapt ...relationships are compromise i am ready and willing to do my bit once i desensitise to the person i have feelings for.......i have hope in that respect..i need to simplify not complicate.....i think the poster is along those lines too....deb

[bac]

I do at times try to meet women though I don't do things like the bar or club scene I prefer quieter settings or try to talk to girls in my social group. Also I'm capable of talking to a stranger though I don't like it plus I'm not the most charismatic or ultra good looking so its rather worthless.

 

Anyway what are your thoughts on confidence do you think it has some worth?

 

Confidence is very important.

But, you should fake it well. If you fake it badly, you look delusional.

There should be some real facts that you are a worthy person and a winner.

Your confidence should be based on your real good qualities.

If you are capable to present the good qualities, you are a winner.

If you have no good qualities to present, your confidence is delusional.

[ThaWholigan]

You mention it and I already know that's my main issue right there, not confidence (in RL I'm not hanging my head low, acting sad, and telling everyone I can't get a GF that's silly, I do however try to act cool and funny but either I'm not good at it or that just doesn't work), but I don't know how to fix it. If I always knew what to say, when to say it, where, and how and could perfectly read people the ladies wouldn't stand a chance:lmao:.

As I always say on this forum, as well as a few others (Imajerk & Eddie Edirol to name a few) - the information is out there.

[bac]

I would honestly like to know where your confidence actually comes from.

 

Also why can't someone just fake confidence?

 

 

Your family's situation determines your relationships with women and with people.

If your mother often told you that you were a very handsome and valuable guy, you accept it as your core belief. If your mother told you that you were a great catch for any girl, you accept it as well.

So, your parents should put many positive ideas in your brain. When the ideas are placed in your brain, you believe that you are handsome, valuable, intelligent.

If you believe that you are handsome, you will enjoy looking at yourself in the mirror and it will help you to focus on how to improve yourself. Therefore, you will pay a lot of attention to your body, looks, haircut, outfits.

If you believe that you are intelligent, you choose to get good education because you deserve the best.

It will help to develop your brains and figure out how to succeed in all areas of your life. It also helps to make good money. A man cannot feel confident/good about himself if he has no money.

 

Everyone is fearful doing smth new especially alone, without help from others.

As for dating, confidence comes from many positive dating experiences. You can gain confidence after dating many women successfully.

Before a person has some confidence, he/she fakes it using any positive qualities that they can use to present themselves as a quality person.

 

Also, confidence comes from indifference. You feel confident, if you do not care at all. In other words, if you do not give a f..k for a girl, you are going to be very confident. That is why players are always confident. They do not care for women and they lie about everything.

[jcrew11]

Women want a man who is emotionally strong and having quiet self-confidence. You don't want to look weak or insecure. You just need to be self-assured and a positive person; and that other people aren't going to bring you down.

 

Question: "Are you generally a happy, friendly person who can make your friend's and family's day better?"

 

Most people are "takers" and women want to date men who can improve their lives in some way or shape. If you are a happy person, that can make a girl feel happier and better by being around you, then that is an attractive quality. Nobody wants to be around a Debbie Downer or have a Depressed, wimpy boyfriend.

 

Also, having a solid speaking voice can convey confidence, even if you don't feel confident. Just by sounding attractive, can be appealing to women.

 

Anyway, so what you are saying isn't actually feel confident in my abilities but just stop caring all together? Perhaps I do care about these things too much in all honesty it isn't that important so I need to stop caring, my care has been decreasing steadily, not caring does have the advantage in that you simply don't care if you get companionship or not you could care less about irrelevant things like that so it doesn't matter one way or another if a girl likes you or not and you'll still feel good regardless. Honestly I don't think that would help you get a relationship with a woman but again you won't care anyway. I need to work on that.

[Necris]

Question: "Are you generally a happy, friendly person who can make your friend's and family's day better?"

 

I have been told I'm quite funny by my friends, I do try to be the funny cool guy I'm not going to act all negative with people in public and tell every girl I meet how I can't get a girlfriend that would be foolish. Now I do have a problem with smiling I rarely ever just walk around with a smile on my face and skipping that's just not me so I suppose if I'm not smiling all the time people may think I'm depressed but that would be silly reasoning. Now I do smile when I go for an approach or something funny happens.

[threebyfate]

I have been told I'm quite funny by my friends, I do try to be the funny cool guy I'm not going to act all negative with people in public and tell every girl I meet how I can't get a girlfriend that would be foolish. Now I do have a problem with smiling I rarely ever just walk around with a smile on my face and skipping that's just not me so I suppose if I'm not smiling all the time people may think I'm depressed but that would be silly reasoning. Now I do smile when I go for an approach or something funny happens.

Maybe you can give us an example of something your friends called funny? It's possible that the women you're targeting don't share male humour.

[Necris]

Maybe you can give us an example of something your friends called funny? It's possible that the women you're targeting don't share male humour.

 

I'm not making sex jokes if that's what you mean, I'm more of a situational kind of guy I don't have any pre-planned jokes or anything I just say what comes to mind its more of a hit or miss thing though sometimes my random insane thoughts are funny other times just wierd. I try to joke around with women to break the ice and make them feel more at ease.

[RiverRunning]

It's a factor - but definitely not the biggest factor. People really do play it up too much. If a guy's a complete slob, it doesn't matter if he's a confident slob or not. He's still a slob. I'm probably going to rate him less harshly if he doesn't appear to be confident - I'll feel pity instead of feeling the urge to laugh.

 

That said, most people are OK with their confidence. Enough that I don't think lack of confidence is a problem for most folks.

 

They may need fine-tuning in other areas...even if you're confident, doesn't mean you can hold a conversation, for example.