Pocky Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Maybe they're friends. Maybe they didn't want to go through dividing everything up at this point. I have met a few married couples that divorced but continued to live as roommates because they had children. I think the situation he was in may have worked fine for him but now that he's in a new relationship he needs to start it off on the right foot and that means filing for divorce and getting his own place. Whatever agreement they had before he met you only concerned him and his wife. Now that you're in the picture he needs to take your feelings into consideration and I think it's inappropriate to be living with your ex-wife while having a relationship with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
morgana Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 wow! no people don't accidentally get married and yes MMs make the decision to have an affair and they are responsible for that decision. but people's reasons for staying in marriages are very complex even if the situation is bad. sometimes $$ is a big concern. i stayed in a crappy marriage for a lot longer than i should have because i knew i couldn't give my kids the life they deserved on my own. i finally decided that being a happy mom was more important than the money and i couldn't take what the stress was doing to me. i think many of us probably wonder why our MMs stay with their wives, or in my case, why if she knows she stays with him. she told me it wasn't his first affair and probably wouldn't be the last. and who knows if she's right, but if she feels that way.... but yet, she agreed to try to work things out. go figure! i can't figure out why either of them want to stay with the other. i was also on the other side of this, although he still denys it and i just don't care whether i was the wounded wife or not. she's more than welcome to him. i wish my guy's wife would feel the same way. in any case, falling in love is not always something we can help. when that connection's there, it's there and there's no denying it. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Scary how much we have in common Morgana...may I add that a MM going through a divorce is a WRECK. He has to deal with legal issues, custody, property settlement, child support......when he's going through that process, you're no longer going to get 'the best' of him. It's very sad but that's the reality of the whole process of divorce. I'm not speculating about this - it's from personal experience...from a previous relationship...he's still going through it.......what a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
morgana Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 you're right, about them being a mess and about us having a lot in common. a good male friend of mine when through a divorce shortly before i did, his wife had left him for someone. and he was a mess. even though he was as he said "glad she was someone else's problem" he was so stressed it was unbelievable, but of course denied that it was bothering him. and then there's my ex-husband, who's relationship survived and they're getting married next year so i suppose it can work either way. my guy shouldn't have to worry too much about child support his are both over 18 but his wife threatened to take him to the cleaners because of me. so even if we are back together at that point, i may be glad that i'm several hundred miles away. i'm not so convinced that she hasn't been having an affair, though, many of her behaviors sound a lot like someone who was messing around too! in any case if he does get divorced even without me in the picture i know it will be messy and i've gotten to know him well enough to know that when he's stressed he withdraws, unlike me who reaches out. i know my friend who went through the divorce said he couldn't have made it through without me to talk to. but i guess everyone handles it differently. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 It took me 9 years to finally divorce my husband...what an ugly, ugly time that was, and still is in some ways. I was thinking - if my MM left his wife, which I'm not prepared for in any way cuz he's a HANDFUL...he would probably cope by drinking even more than he does now. He doesn't drink during the day or on the job - but in evenings and weekends out with friends he gets SMASHED. There is just no reason for him to get as drunk as he does. I worry so much about him. Link to post Share on other sites
morgana Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 i know what you mean. i had another very, very brief relationship with another MM years ago and i still see him and his wife around. he drinks pretty heavily and i know his wife has complained that he drinks too much. she's really concerned that he has a major problem. i think he drinks because he's unhappy at home but it's the path he's chosen to take, but he would definitely have been a handful and that relationship would have had no prayer of surviving a divorce. he called me a few times, not to come and get him like your's does but to come over to see me. not a good scene, nice guy but not worth waiting around for although i think if he ever got his act together he'd be pretty incredible and god knows i like to party too! Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 I can see that you seem to understand that he is married because he is supposedly sleeping in the basement. (How do you really know that's true?) The bigger problem here is that he LIED to you for your entire relationship. Couldn't he at least have been honest. "Yes, I still live with my wife, but it's only for convenience. I don't love her, yada yada" But instead he hid an entire part of his life from you. You didn't even know he was married. If it was no big deal, why didn't he just TELL you. How can you believe anything he says now? Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Like I said Morgana - it's SCARY how similar our lives have been! The guy I referred to in my post before the last one is the MM I had a brief relationship with before this one. I used to think he was wonderful and amazing - but who he is now is unbearable for me to talk to. All the happiness has gone right out of him, he's incredibly angry and bitter at his wife. Their marriage was on a downward spiral already when we met and he was living in the basement. they went back and forth however and he never told me that part until she filed for divorce. I was never an issue in that situation whatsoever. My current MM drinks I think because he is obviously very unhappy with his situation. He's 26 and has been cheating on his wife - his high school sweetheart by the way - from the start. He even told me that he cheated on his way to ask her father for her hand in marriage. Not with someone he knew either - a complete stranger. When I asked him about it he said he did it because he was 'nervous'. He said he was always looking to be 'satisfied', but doesn't think it was entirely sexual. He needs a huge amount of attention and to be told how wonderful he is. I spend a lot of time giving him affirmation of how wonderful, gorgeous and amazing he is.....BUT - I get the same back from him. I'm sincere, I really do think he's wonderful and I absolutely adore hin. Maybe we're just both incredibly emotionally needy. Link to post Share on other sites
morgana Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 kiababy - that is similar and sounds like you were lucky to get out of the first relationship. i've remained friends with my first MM and am actually good friends with his wife now, which is sometimes very, very strange. he's a nice man and a lot of fun to be around but i'm glad things ended when they did. i was pretty upset at the time but knew in my heart it was for the best, don't feel the same about this one, i'd go back to him in a heartbeat and will hopefully see him in the next few months anyway. so we'll see what happens. as much as i know i need to give him his space to figure things out, i can't give up completely. the one thing i've learned twice now is that it's difficult to believe someone who says that their marriage is over. even though i think they both believed it was, believing it and acting on it are two different things. luckily my current guy doesn't seem to drink in excess. he just withdraws and becomes somewhat cranky which does concern me about what he'll be like if his marriage does fall apart. but if i have the chance i'll help him through that too. in any case, the position we put ourselves in is so hard, and yes i know it's hard to be the wife too but it's tough to be in love with someone and know that they love you but have this other part of their lives that they can't seem to part with. i hear about how unhappy he was and probably still is at home but he couldn't take the stress of a double life anymore. so even though it hurts he gets points for that, i suppose. i know there's been discussion about trusting someone who has lied to you, and yes, that can be a problem in some cases and i'm sure that's the seed his wife was trying to plant by telling me that i wasn't her husband's first affair and probably wouldn't be his last. Link to post Share on other sites
sara1974 Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 1 month after we started dating I found out my bf was married when I asked him on Halloween who took the kids trick or treating he said "the wifey did"!..my heart dropped! Link to post Share on other sites
Knawka Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 I can understand how you feel. I just came across this website and I am amazed to hear all these stories that sound so like my own. I had no idea. When I met my MM, he told me he was going through a painful divorce, and I believed him! I fell for him hook line and sinker. I was in a long term relationship, which I ended as soon as I met him. We planned our future together and I was so happy. Then after a few months I began to realise that his divorce was not quite as far down the line as he led me to believe. ie his wife did not have a clue that he even wanted to leave her. I have listened to his bull**** for 4 years now, been through all the heartache, Christmases alone, all that stuff. I have finally decided that if I never see him again it won't hurt as much as I carry on with this torture. I do love him and its so hard to let him go. But when I feel low I just tell myself that he was never really mine to lose. I feel comforted to know there are others like me out there. I thought I was a home wrecking freak and I have felt so bad about myself. But I really had no control over falling in love with him. I just wish I had seen through him years ago and not wasted 4 years of life being miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azmirandasue Posted August 5, 2004 Author Share Posted August 5, 2004 Thanks for posting and I am so sorry to hear about your heartbreak. I need to listen to you girls that tell me that they wasted years and that I need to leave but I just can't do it right now. This is really mean but I asked him to bring me a picture of his wife so I knew what she looked like. I just wanted to know in case I ever see her and of course the "compition" and she is so butt ugly I about fainted. My MM is extremely handsome and I about fainted. I was mature about it and didn't say anything but it made me feel better if only for a fraction of a second. I am begining to think that this entire married man thing happens a lot more than I ever even dreamed. I had already said I am never marrying again but now it is even more cemented in stone....... This has really blown my trust factor into the ground! Hang in there..... AZ Link to post Share on other sites
morgana Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 az - i'm not sure i've given up on the idea of getting married... i still believe there are a lot of good honest people out there. i even still, in spite of everything, want to believe that my MM is one of them. even if we don't end up together in the end i still think he's one in a million. maybe i'm still looking through those rose colored glasses that one looks through when they're really in love (at least at the beginning). we'll see. and if i don't get married again i think it's going to more from the standpoint of having had a really crappy marriage! i'd love to see a picture of mine's wife. really thought there would be one i could find somewhere on the web. oh well maybe someday...i'm just sooooo curious. of course i don't know if it would make me feel better or worse if she's ugly since he chose to go back to here. and like i said before i know looks aren't everything but if she's unattactive and nasty? wondered how things had gone for you.... Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 Speaking of which, I have seen the picture of my MM's wife long before we started our affair. Every time I saw her picture at his desk, I would think to myself how could she be so ugly. I know some would say because we are the OW we would demonize the wife and think the way we do. But honestly, I just could not figure out how can an attractive man like MM be with some like her. She may be the most amazing person but as far as looks go she doesn't have them. Again, I am not a woman who downplays every other woman. I admit to when other women are attractive. But then again we each define attractiveness in our own ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azmirandasue Posted August 6, 2004 Author Share Posted August 6, 2004 Hey Fan, I am the same way with women, I am not dissing her just because she is his wife. She is just a very unattractive woman. She wears not a speck of makeup, 80's glasses, man's haircut, it was unreal. I about fainted. I am not saying I am a goddess but I am 44 and I am told I look 30. I am a reasonably normal size 10, and I try to make myself look attractive for work, home and social events without being a slave to makeup and hair. I just couldn't believe when he left my house he was going home to that! Icky!! Well, once again, my guy is on his way over for dinner.....just like everynight. What does she think? I just don't understand it whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
unimoko Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 To all the ladies out there who THINK they love a married man, I am myself am trying desperately to get away AND stay away from a married man. This man works in my office and was my night and shining armour. Whenever I was sad, scared, angry, broke (I am a college student), he would all always be there for me. This man knows all about my failed relationships, broken dreams----the works. What I did not know..What I will never make another mistake is that it is a terrible mistake to be that attached to a married men regardless of how NICE they are. For nearly 3 years I had fantasies about him but I thought it would never happen because he always talked about how much he loved his wife. So you understand my torture when he told me that we "Lusted for me" I simultaneously wanted to hop into bed and run away from him. So Ladies do not get into the same trap that I got myself into. An overly nice married men + an overly (naive--hoped I spelled that right) =BIG trouble Everyone I spoke to stay away from that man and I was a fool to think that I could still maintain my friendship regardless. BIG MISTAKE!!!!! Once a man lusts for stay away from him---FAR AWAY and if you see him in the streets RUN don't walk away from him. Nothing can come right from a affair with a married person--It will ruin your self-esteem, threathen your employment (if he is in the office), damage your reputation, and damage prospects for any other relationships. Now I have look both ways every time that I am in the office. It is so damaging because he has accumulated years of trust that I question.... Ladies don't go through what I am going through. GET OUT while the getting is good. Don't take his calls, don't listen to the "My wife does/doesn't....[FILL IN THE BLANK]" Its bull****. He's a cheat and he is breaking the vowes that he made before his wife and god. Don't destroy your self-esteem for 45 minutes of pleasure. and Don't take scarps from another women. Nice guys don't cheat on their wives -unimoko:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts