Lonely and bored...

[lioness]

I'm in the middle of a divorce, we've been separated for almost 2 months now.

 

Tonight I'm not going through the agony of so many here... I'm just lonely. I was supposed to be going out with my best and oldest girlfriend tonight but at the last minute she cancelled. She is married. Her husband, who has always been a friend of mine also, suddenly is disapproving of me. So I'm sad, and afraid I'm going to lose her friendship.

 

So now I'm sitting at home, lonely and sad. And most nights I have the baby so it's not like I can just pick up and run off to a club or something.

 

I need some companionship, that's all, and I don't know where to find it at this point in time. It's not really time to start dating (technically still married, and emotionally fragile.)

 

I had to deal with the soon to be ex yesterday and was reminded all over again why I'm divorcing him. Thank goodness, I think I was in danger of calling him... just to hear a voice.

 

So... if anyone else is lonely and bored... post, and bring me back from wallowing in stupid self pity.

[digger]

hi lioness

 

things could always be worse.. atleast u have your child to help beat the lonliness. My wife is with our daughter and its like her life hasnt changed at all, Im sure those 2 being together (joined at the hip) makes it ez for her to go on without me. And my daughter, cast under her spell, hasnt called or spoken or answered the phone in 2 months. The only thing shes missing is a tv and a few pieces of furniture. Im in a major city i just moved to--dont know a soul and sit in a 3 room apt. that i thot was nice til i saw what crawls out of the other ones. Shame everyone on this board isnt in the same neighborhood. Wed either be all crying in 1 room or dating each other to help heal the wounds.

[Yikes]

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. The weeks that I don't have my kids are horrible. I will need to take them back to my ex this evening, but this is the way things are. Fortunately the kids (11 and 14) are handling things remarkably well. Money is extremely tight, I am certainly lonely but I do my best to keep positive and to stay in control. I try to focus on any positive things that I have going, no matter how small they are. I spend a lot of times keeping my house and car clean and working in the garden and yard. It may not sound like much fun, but it keeps me busy and make me feel better about myself. I work hard at the things that I can control and do my best not to worry about the things that I can't.

 

What I try not to do is think about the past. (my wife had an affair with one of my best friends). When I get bored, I think too much and when that happens, I get sad, angry and depressed. Ultimately I am happier without her, no more dishonesty and infidelity, no more being treated with total disrespect. I have great family support, but have few real close friends in town and am often at loose ends. I have wonderful support of a couple long time buddies, but they both live in other cities and one is a very busy family man and the other is going through the same crap that I am.

 

Do you have family or other friends near by? Personally, I would steer clear of the clubs. A drunk and vulnerable woman is ripe for the picking of some slug dirt bag. I'm not saying don't have drink or two, I'm simply suggesting home might be the better place. Maybe invite a friend or co-worker over for some wine or whatever you like. Have a nice visit., but stay positive.

 

I am lonley, but somewhere outhere there is the right woman for me... I just haven't met her yet. In the meantime, I continue to do my best to improve my life and regain my self esteme so I'll be ready when I do meet her. Many people posting in these forums are in the same boat, so we are not alone.

 

Keep your chin up, focus on the good things and don't get caught up in self pitty and what "could have been". That does no one any good. Look ahead to better times.

[JulieBoolie]

Yikes has some good advice. It's particularly hard for me as I have no family support and my friends are so wrapped up with themselves and their man problems I just prefer to keep to myself. I've always been a private person.

 

Here's my advice - alot of people can't handle being alone for a while. Use this time to read inspirational books and work on your self esteem. Start a journal and every day try to write 5 things you like about yourself and 5 things you are grateful for.

 

It's impossible to be happy and positive all the time but if you start to think well of yourself you'll do well and good things rather than negative will start coming into your life. No one is perfect, we all learn from our mistakes and we must put the past behind us and move forward.

 

I've only been divorced a couple of months and I've hit rock bottom, bounced up again, gone back down, etc. I'm working thru my emotions and treating my divorce as a wound that I need to heal. I've stopped beating myself up finally and can see the tide is turning a bit. It just takes time.

 

Most people have alot of family and friends to turn to - I don't. So it's up to me and only me to pick myself up and recover. I've found that exercising, eating right and losing a few pounds helps me tremendously. My motto now is "Looking good is the best revenge".

 

My ex crushed my self esteem and hurt me tremendously. Powerful incentive after a divorce to lose weight and get in shape. I'm determined to wear a bikini just once more in my life before it's too late (I'm 41). So I'm busting my butt exercising like a mad woman. Using all my frustrations on improving myself.

 

Everytime I get angry at my ex (which is often) I get down and do situps. It's better than eating or drinking.

 

Sometimes being alone and lonely is the plan for us - we need to just be alone and focus on ourselves. Don't feel bad if you wallow in sadness or cry and have pity parties - it's all part of the process. Let yourself go thru it or it will resurface later.

 

I'm lonely, bored and all alone too - I've got my teenage son who keeps me laughing. Just know what we're all going thru is only temporary. Pretty soon none of us will be on these boards posting because our lives will have changed and we'll be in new relationships - all happy again!

 

Keep the faith!

[Yikes]

Oh yes, a journal! Good call JulieBoolie!

 

I started my journal about two months back, but wished that I started a long time ago. I like her "5 things" idea. I think I'll take that tip.

 

Getting into shape is also a good idea. I too am 41, but have no plans in sporting a "man thong", "banana hammick" or "marble bag" however.

I am a big believer in the best revenge is my ex watching me move on and be happy. "That would drive her nuts".

 

Good luck with the bikini thing Julie Boolie.

 

Well I guess I better go and help my kids pack, it's nearly time to take them back to my ex's. Tomorrow would have been my 18th wedding anniversary. That sucks... now it's just another day. Here in Canada it's a holiday so that's good.

[sami]

There are many good things you can do out there. Do not easily give in like that. Try to reach out to the best you can. You will eventually make good supporting friends.

[lioness]

You guys are awesome, with some great advice.

 

I have started journaling, and I've also picked up a few things that I enjoyed before I got married. I'll be joining a new gym this week, I think, to give me something to do on the days when my baby is with his dad, and to help me get my body back... something I never worked on after childbirth.

 

My friend continued to blow me off through the rest of the weekend though... I think she's going through some of her own stuff. It just sucks that she doesn't feel like she can come to me, maybe because she's contemplating some of the same issues in her own marriage that I had in mine, and doesn't like my solution. Of course, I'm just guessing...

 

The hard part is going to be staying away from men for a while, and I'm pretty sure that is exactly what I need to do, but also exactly what I don't want to do.

[JulieBoolie]

Yikes, you are too funny - glad to know other 40-somethings are on here going thru the same **** I am! A Canadian eh? I'm a long ways from you (Texas). Just so you know - skimpy bikini type bathing suits on men are hideous - even on a Chippendale's male stripper. Men don't have to worry so much as us women. You guys can have beer guts and still look great because you are men.

 

Why is it when you're in a miserable marriage and everything is chaotic all you want is out. Then once you're divorced and the deafening quiet sets in - you'd give anything to be back with someone?

 

I miss sex, companionship, someone telling me they love me...........I have no one now. All the things that got on my nerves with my ex - I somehow miss.

 

I have days where I do great, think I'm totally over him - then I just slide back downhill. Maybe it's the full moon making me crazy.

 

I hate him but I miss him.

[sami]

Do not ever commit or ommit. Don't let yourself be dragged into saying:" This is what I want , and that I don't". Be easy on yourself. If things started to look better, just follow the flow.

[lioness]

sami - keeping my chin up.

 

thanks

[sami]

Not only your chin baby.

[Yikes]

Originally posted by JulieBoolie

 

Why is it when you're in a miserable marriage and everything is chaotic all you want is out. Then once you're divorced and the deafening quiet sets in - you'd give anything to be back with someone?

 

I miss sex, companionship, someone telling me they love me...........I have no one now. All the things that got on my nerves with my ex - I somehow miss.

 

Sometimes the deafening quiet is tough, but overall I don't mind a little time to myself... things are certainly less complicated. I've been lonely so long that I can do lonely standing on my head. That said, there are times when I miss all of those things too. (more times than I'd like to admit).

[seahorse]

Well, I am still having to share a house with my husband as my divorce is only just starting and the house will have to be sold. Where I'll end up, and with how many of our kids (we have three boys), I just don't know yet. The older two are old enough to know who they might want to live with, the younger one I'll probably get custody of. The courts may decide that my husband works too long hours to look after them, whereas I work school hours and am available for them.

 

Right now, I desperately wish we were apart; I want to be away from him and know he's not going to come visiting unless it's for access visits to the kids. I have a new man who will be able to visit me in my new house (when I find it!) instead of having to arrange meetings with him in various locations.

 

I do think things will be strange, and I might feel lonely when we are finally apart, but I don't dread it. I'll hopefully have the kids and they'll keep me busy.

 

For all you lonely ones our there tonight, I'm thinking of you, it might be me soon. Just post here.

 

seahorse

[lioness]

seahorse, at least you have a new man. You have that comfort. Be careful about going too fast though. Make sure it isn't rebound, ya know?

 

I would love to have someone new in my life, but I'm so afraid that I'm too fragile emotionally right now, and that I'm in an unhealthy place that would put a bad spin on some new relationship.

[Yikes]

Seahorse...

 

I had to co-exist with my ex in the same house until it sold last fall. Not my idea of a good time.

 

Are you sure that you don't need a little time to yourself? Hopefully he is a good guy, but keep your guard up.

 

Good luck.

[seahorse]

lioness and Yikes,

 

I met this guy 18 months after my soon to be ex husband had confessed to me about his affair. That was nearly a year ago. We've got a long distance thing going on, and he visits me every few weeks, and I visit him back. I'm pretty sure it's not a rebound thing for me.

 

I'm still not at the point where I fully trust anyone, even, I hate to say it, this man that I love. That's what I most hate about what my husband did to me...he's killed that open trusting person that I used to be. It gets to me that he was having an affair for five years and I never knew! How stupid was I? Other people who have had their partners have affairs have told me the same thing, that it kills trust forever, and that you always keep a little part back after that.

 

The time between visits will be plenty of time for me to be by myself. I don't know that I will ever live with anyone again; I certainly wouldn't get married again. I'm going with the flow with this new man.

 

Seahorse

[Yikes]

It sounds like you have things well under control. I hope your house sells quickly so you can get on with your life.

 

I know when our house sold it was a huge relief. My new house is pretty quiet when I don't have my kids, but my ex only lives about 5 minutes away by car and they usually call me two or three times a week.

 

In any case, good luck.