BF cheated w/ his best friend. I want to move on with him. How?

[foreverhopeful]

I posted this somewhere else but found this relevant to this board also. I hope nobody minds.

 

I've been with my bf for over a year but last year he cheated on me with his best friend. they aren't in contact anymore and he is trying so hard to show me that it was a horrible 'mistake' i know that it cant really be called a mistake because he did it for about 4-6 weeks maybe about 9 times so he didn't just do it once. it wasnt emotional, it was partially alcohol induced and part her manipulation but its no excuse and hes definitely not innocent to it

 

i've tried so hard to deal, ive tried having space, being with him, asking many q's, crying, feeling angry and showing him how angry i am. i just want to know if i'm ever going to be able to deal with it. i thought i was fine for a few months, never brought it up and then all of a sudden for the past 2-3 mths ive been falling into a cycle of asking him all those intimate details, to being ok and then only a week later, feeling **** about it. the thing that worries/frustrates me is that its getting to be one-two days between these depressions. I am sick of fighting with him. when i gave him a second chance i said that he has to answer my questions when i need them answered because i have to deal with it and thats the way i deal, or maybe not, i just feel so low right now. to the point that when we fight i get so emotional that we make up but the next day i'm back to square one.. feeling sad, dirty [is that normal for someone who didnt cheat?] angry, hopeless and overall, the feeling that im unable to remove the images out of my head.

 

i love him which is why i really want things to work, i used to think that if we both really loved easch other we could work through it but its getting so tiring and mentally draining, we go over the same things, i am happy when i hear that there was no emotional involvement [which is the truth, he knows not to lie after all this] but at the end of the day, i catch myself thinking about them being together and its just hurting me over and over.

 

can you ever get past it? i feel like i am almost over it and thats when it sneaks up again. i want to believe thjat we can get past it but i have no idea how to, i dont even want to talk about it anymore because ive exhausted the whole situation, it just stings to keep recalling, even now as i write this i feel like 'hurting' myself in that area because i feel like he's dirtied me. is this normal? am i sick in the head or just grieving? someone please help, someone, anyone in this situation? or is anyone in her situation or his? i need some blunt advice.

 

thankyou for listening

[confusedbigbig]

Wow. This is almost exactly what I'm going through. There are little differences, (it was my GF who cheated with my supposed best friend), but I know exactly what you're saying. Isn't it funny who something that happened so far in the past (a year for you, two for me) can just totally mess up your present?

 

Your position seems clearer to me. My girl messed up once (at least that's all she admitted to), your guy messed up a bunch. I'm going insane over the once, I can't begin to imagine how awful I would feel if it happened as many times as you say.

 

Basically, I wonder if our shared real problem here is that we're asking questions that we thought we wanted answers to, only to find out that we didn't. I think maybe I would be a lot happier not knowing what I do now, although on the flip side it is good to finally have a definite knowledge of what happened, instead of just suspicions.

 

I don't want to know the intimate details of what occured. If I were you, I'd stop asking those things. You know what goes on in a bedroom, and in asking these things, you're really only after the answer to one big question - was she better then me; was it worth it? Either way, you don't really want to know the answers. Nothing can come of it except to make you feel more insecure, and you'll drive yourself crazy thinking about it. The clearer the mental picture, the worse it will be. Let it stay abstract.

 

If what you're talking about had happened to me, I could never forgive it. I can't even forgive the once. That's me. You may be able to forgive him, in time. I suppose it depends on the strength of your love, and just how saintly you are in patience and forgiveness. If you can't bear to be without him, maybe you can work things out. If, however, you just can't bear to be alone or to lose the comfort of familiarity, you may want to re-examine.

 

I sympathize completely with what you say. I too feel sad, dirty, angry and hopeless, even though I've done nothing wrong. I think it's something like transferance, where I'm projecting the way I think she should feel onto me. I've been with her since then, and so everything we've done since that happened is tainted by this knowledge. Almost the first thing I did after finding out was to take a long hot shower, and I just couldn't seem to get clean enough.

 

Everytime that I feel like I might be able to deal with what's going on, something catches me off guard. Stupid stuff, likes songs will get me crying and then I just can't get those images to go away again. I hardly sleep anymore, thanks to a couple of really nasty dreams. Now I'm finding myself wondering about all the other guys she knew while we were together. Lots of nasty mental images. I'm examining every word she's said and every action she's taken for the last two years with a magnifying glass.

 

Will it ever stop? Can you ever deal with it? I don't know. I suspect that given time, the answer might be yes, but we could be talking a LOT of time here. You'll need a lot of patience and support while you're grieving.

 

Above all, there is one thing that strikes me as more important than anything else. Don't ever even think about hurting yourself. Haven't you been hurt enough already? Don't allow him to get under your skin that badly. Yes, it hurts, but in time it will fade, whether you stay with him or not. You've done nothing wrong, and there is absolutely NO reason to punish yourself, even though right now loving yourself may seem like a hard thing to do.

 

Never let somebody else determine your self-worth, and never let anyone make you feel worthless. Stand up tall and proud, and try to be strong. You're the good one here, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Remember, he's the backstabbing jerk here, not you.

 

Take care of yourself. And if you have time, I could use some advice too - my post is just a few spots down from here. Maybe you'll find that trying to help someone else gets your mind off of your own problems, even for just a few minutes. I did.