friendship boundaries in a relationship

[ssmall]

Sorry in advance for how long this is going to be! I need to know how other people would react to this situation...

 

My fiance is wonderful. I love him dearly. He has one friend, however, who I like sober but cannot stand when she has been drinking. She becomes an entirely different person. I have had problems with her in the past with what I consider "boundary issues" but nothing that I could not just deal with... until now.

 

I have recently moved into my fiance's house (which he owned before we started dating) and I have had, without question, some problems adjusting. I moved from large city to a small town in a different area of the country where the culture is just different. An adjustment period is normal, I would think.

 

My fiance's group of friends is incredibly close-knit. They are more like family than friends - if one feels pain, the others feel the pain. They are lifetime friends and I am not looking to change that. They have, for the most part, been incredible about accepting me into their group. The main issue started a few weeks ago when I brought up to my fiance that I would appreciate if our bedroom/master bathroom was off-limits to guests - or, at the very least, not used as a primary bathroom - we have a full-sized guest bathroom. Having personal space in my home is something that is important to me. I was in no way saying that if there was an emergency our bathroom was offlimits - I was just requesting that it not be used just because. My fiance does not agree with me, he thinks it's silly since these friends have always been welcome to use any area of the house since he moved in, BUT he supports me on it. He says it's a silly/stupid rule but one that he will support only bc it matters so much to me. We mentioned the new rule to the female friend and she said "i've **** in that bathroom before, i'll **** in that bathroom again". I was furious. I thought it was rude and disrespectful but followed my fiance's lead bc he truly believed that she was just joking and would respect the rule.

 

Fast forward one week to a party at our house - not everyone had been informed of the change re the bathroom. We had planned on just mentioning it slowly only because neither one of us believed it would be that big of a deal. We do have that guest bathroom. I watched the friend we HAD spoken to use it twice and then on the third time, I just couldn't keep silent anymore. I said something to my fiance and he said something to her along the lines of "don't use that bathroom" - he probably was rude about it, we all had been drinking and he does think the rule is stupid so... everything blew out of control at that point. His friend just went off on me and kept bringing up the fact that my fiance owns the house and so the onus is on him to set new rules and if he thinks the rule is stupid/silly, then it shouldn't be a rule, etc etc etc. I, admittedly, handled the situation poorly. I don't regret what I said but I do regret how I said some of it. And I apologized for that the next day. And two days after that. And a week later. But, it has done no good. She will not let it go and is involving everyone else in their group of friends. So much so that now I feel uncomfortable being around any of these girls. One of them even said, regarding the bathroom, "I am now so uncomfortable and feel so unwelcome in your house that I don't ever plan on coming over again". Over a bathroom. When we have a guest bathroom for everyone to use!

 

Is the idea of a master bathroom being off-limits really that strange or insulting? Again, I could have handled it better but the idea that this is over a bathroom is absurd to me. When people move in together, house dynamics change...

 

The other part of the equation is that now my fiance is irritated with me as well - bc he thinks a) the rule is stupid and b) he can't believe that this is still an issue two weeks later. And I agree with him on the second part! I apologized for the way I handled but I can't change it. I will not apologize for the need to have space in my own house, nor should I have to. The fact that this girl can't move past it is starting to effect my relationship with my fiance bc it is creating tension in their group of friends. And I am being blamed for it. I don't know what to do or how to handle it anymore. This girl is just so possessive of my fiance (in a platonic way!) and is driving a wedge between us. Not to sound like a child, but it's not fair!

 

Suggestions? Thoughts? If I am in the wrong on this one, that is ok as well. I just need to know how to proceed. Thanks guys!

[pteromom]

Personally, I think the rule is silly too, but if it's important to you to have space, then that's the way you feel.

 

I think the issue was that you and your fiance didn't get on the same page about this BEFORE you told anyone. As it was, everyone knew this was YOUR rule, not his, so it came across as his fiance trying to be controlling and possessive over their friend.

 

I blame your fiance for making sure everyone knew he thought the rule was stupid. Now you are left looking like the b**** girlfriend.

 

I would go to this friend of his and have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Tell her that you are sorry she felt hurt about the bathroom thing. Explain to her that you are just weird about having some private space that is just yours, and that you DO want her to come to your house and hang out with you.

 

While in a perfect world, your fiance would be backing you up on this, since he won't, you need to take control of the situation.

[mammasita]

I dont think that it's a silly request. I dont like guests using my bedroom bathroom, there are two other perfectly acceptable bathrooms that they can pop a squat on.

[skywriter]

I'm wondering if her(the friend), issues, are with the bathroom or something else.

 

She made the statement that she,d ---- in the bathroom before? This indicates, that she's somehow entitled to this space, now.

[threebyfate]

This is really easy to fix. It takes five to ten minutes to throw a locking doorknob that requires keyed entry, onto the bedroom door. This will restrict access to your bedroom and master bathroom. Problem solved.

[2sure]

I cannot fathom any guest in my home using the bathroom off of my bedroom. Thats why there are GUEST Bathrooms. Bathrooms are a personal space. More so to Women than Men. While your BF may not understand this - the friend sure does.

 

Certainly I have had guests ask me, under certain "conditions" if there is another bathroom available - I sympathize and have no problem directing them to another. My sisters may use my bathroom because they want to use my make up or whatever...but were SISTERS.

 

You have to tell your BF: I realize that sharing your space is as new to you as it is to me. As a woman, my bedroom and bath are much more personal than say the living room or kitchen. They are private. Where I keep my personal items. I am not comfortable with anyone in space that is private to us. We will keep the guest bath clean and free of personal items for this reason.

 

This is NOT unusual. If one need walk through my bedroom to get to it...Id freak right out.

 

This friend, as you already suspect - is just showing you her place and yours. Maybe she feels the friendship is threatened or just doesnt like change - who cares? Tell her: Suzie Q - My stuff is all over our bathroom, so now were only using the other one when we have people over. Obviously, since were girls I dont mind you using it so much - but ask me first K?

 

If she tells your BF she is using the master bath - He should tell her:

Our things are in there - use the guest bath.

[road]

I'm a guy.

 

My aunt had three bathrooms. When visiting everyone used the main full bathroom off the hall.

 

When it was a big holiday and there would be 25+ and will all the eating and drinking all day long one bath was not going to do it.

 

Down stairs there was a 1/2 bath for when the full bath was being used.

 

Then my aunt had a 3/4 bath that only could be acessed through the master bedroom.

 

Even as a teenager it felt as that bath room was private space and odd to use it. But during those holidays it got used when the other two were already occupied.

 

My aunt would say go ahead and use it. We were all blood relatives or married to her sisters. Not friends.

 

Not friends treating a private home as a frat house.

 

That one friend has not accepted you.

 

And you need to think before you take this relationship any farther because you BF will not support you. He is putting his friends first.

[veggirl]

Your rule is NOT silly. The master suite should be a sanctuary for you and your boyfriend. YOUR private / personal things are in there, geez with everyone traipsing in and out best make sure all underwear / personal items are hidden? what a pain, I would not feel comfortable with people going through my bedroom to use the bathroom. This girl is basically trying to piss on her territory for some reason. Install a lock on the bedroom door and use it when people are over.

[VeveCakes]

Why would your fiancé throw you under the bus like that...brutal. Why do his friends care what bathroom they use?? Weird.

[ssmall]

Without looking to make excuses... my bf is very much one of those people who thinks everything can be shared. He doesn't need that type of personal space and so doesn't entirely understand it when I do. I was terribly upset when he told people he thought it was a silly rule bc I felt we should be presenting a "unified front". I'm not sure whether he gets that entirely or not, but he loves me and will do anything to make me happy. He just doesn't understand this.

 

My frustrations stem from the fact that this isn't the first time that I felt this friend was undermining certain situations - I'm not sure she does it intentionally or if it's just out of possessiveness but either way, I'm not ok with it. Had I behaved that way around the friends with whom I grew up, they would have put me in place so quickly. It is hard when a person, a grown adult!, then involves every one else in this group and they all have an opinion. Well, the girls that is. The boys all think it just needs to go away (again, I agree).

 

Road, I agree with you when you say that he is putting his friends first on this issue. When it comes down to it though, he will support me. There is no doubt in my mind that if it came to a "it's her or me" moment, he would choose me without any hesitation. I just don't want it to ever come to that... but I do want to feel at home in my own home. And not feel as though by needing that space or implementing changes (because it is now our home and not just his) that I am suddenly the "bad guy" bc everyone has to deal with change...