We are Non-Spanking/Non-Hitting Parents

[InBloom]

It's definitely not the same way me and the Wife were raised but

We both agreed, we never want to spank or hit our child.

 

Thing is our 4 Year Old is plenty sassy and usually knows how to mind

manners but lately has been trying to hit or talking back or throwing

little hissy fits.

 

Time Outs don't seem to work, 4 year old just gets off the chair and

laughs.

 

Ugh.

 

Any input on your methods of repremanding would be appreciated

[GorillaTheater]

What we use, some of which probably won't work for a 4-year-old:

 

Policing up the dog poop in the back yard, for a varying number of days. The kids look at this as akin to lethal injection. Other chores as appropriate.

 

Lectures (the kids who hate this more than others get longer lectures).

 

Loss of TV, phone, game and/or computer privileges.

 

Yeah, you really have to customize punishments for kids. Spankings never fazed me, but I absolutely hated to be grounded.

[january2011]

My nephew is the same age. His parents use time-outs. They remove access to treats. And they explain the consequences and rationale behind why X behaviour is bad and Y behaviour is good.

 

The proviso is that my nephew has the communication and intellect where this works most of the time. If a child couldn't communicate that well and wasn't able to understand instructions and explanations, then this will probably not work. they use rewards a lot, especially playtime with his favourite people. For example, "if you do this, then aunty january2011 will play Z with you."

 

His parents also make nearly everything into a game/competition or challenge where he is either competing with other adults or kids. E.g., "look at grandma, she's nearly finished her food - is grandma going to be the winner?" He is very competitive and doesn't like to lose so his parents leverage this to modify his behaviour and get him to do things.

[pteromom]

I don't find time outs very effective.

 

Throwing hissy fits? Let him/her do it. That's a way to express emotions when they aren't yet capable of expressing what they are feeling verbally. Don't coddle them or reward them for a hissy fit, but don't punish them for it either. Just ignore, then discuss when it is over.

 

I am not really a "reprimanding" kind of parent. I focus on the positive. I reward GOOD behavior, which inspires more of the same.

 

I have lots of talks with my son. If he angrily says "I HATE YOU!", I sit down and give him the words he really means. "I understand you are angry that I wouldn't let you ________. That is what you need to say instead of mean words." And he is getting it. It's an ongoing process.

 

Hitting is typical behavior for that age, and it just takes repeated immediate response. If time out is ineffective, try taking away something he/she likes.

 

Lastly, think about what you are modeling in your own home. Are both you and your wife calm and patient people? How do you deal with anger and frustration?

[january2011]

Edit: In summary, rather than focusing on punishment, they focus on (the absence of) rewards.

[pteromom]

And they explain the consequences and rationale behind why X behaviour is bad and Y behaviour is good.

 

The proviso is that my nephew has the communication and intellect where this works most of the time.

 

This is a self-perpetuating kind of thing. Explaining the consequences and rationale, even before the child is old enough to understand, helps DEVELOP their communication and intellect.

[Hawaii50]

Nevermind

[Cb3657]

My opinion

You have to teach that behaviour has consequences, this is not a stern talking too but a real life consequence. I have junked toys my kids loved because I said if you continue this that toy is going to the garbage, you have too mean it and follow up happened to toys worth quite a lot actually. the key is to mention a definite consequence and be serious and follow through. People don't do their kids any favors by not showing consequences, the first real world consequence can be quite catastrophic.

[threebyfate]

As non-spanking parents and nanny, we don't have your issues. Consider how many times you say "no" or criticize your child's behaviour per day. Count it up for an entire week so you get a feel of how many times this is happening. Now ask yourself if there was another way to handle each "no" situation.

 

Is your child being given enough age appropriate choices in life? Quite often, power struggles happen when children feel helpless. They also emulate parental behaviour. When the mother and father defy each other in front of the child or are inconsistent with their behaviour and most importantly, don't stand united, the child picks up on it and yes, they'll leverage off of it.

 

Instead of saying "no" so many times, our parenting methodology is to offer alternatives. Most often that isn't even necessary since he's crazy active but is given enough decisions that he doesn't really want anymore.

 

As far as time outs, these are very, very few and far between, where our toddler is put into his room with the door closed but not shut. He's told that when he feels he's capable of behaving, he can come out on his own. He's also aware that if he destroys anything in his room, it doesn't get replaced. Works every time.

 

There's so much more to write but I'm not in the mood to write a parenting 101 book. Do yourselves a favour and start reading parenting books ASAP, before it becomes much more difficult to alter his behaviour.

[wow04]

What we use, some of which probably won't work for a 4-year-old:

 

Policing up the dog poop in the back yard, for a varying number of days. The kids look at this as akin to lethal injection. Other chores as appropriate.

 

Lectures (the kids who hate this more than others get longer lectures).

 

Loss of TV, phone, game and/or computer privileges.

 

Yeah, you really have to customize punishments for kids. Spankings never fazed me, but I absolutely hated to be grounded.

 

We also use the dog poop in the back yard. We have used it on our 6 year old since he was 4 1/2. It works!! He hates to do it.

 

The key is finding what works.

[Silly_Girl]

My sister has an aspergers and ADHD kid. Spanking is worthless. It's, to varying degrees:

 

Naughty step

Time out

Early bed

No tv

No movie

No console

No bedtime story

No iPad

No new toys

No friends around

 

They also use a minimal contact behavioural technique, almost as though they don't acknowledge/enjoy naughty behaviour but relish good behaviour. He's 'in' when he's good and 'out' when he's not. They definitely don't have it sewn up, there's plenty of strife, but what they do seems effective in the circumstances.

[standtall]

Well, I spanked my children from the ages of 2-4 pretty religiously, and they are now well adjusted, well behaved, successful teenagers. I did not spank them after those ages, because there are better methods after you establish the threat of physical punishment. I used a lot of, but not all of the love and logic methods, but it doesn't always work with 4 yr old because they do not act rational. I would say that you can physically place and restrain them in the timeout chair( not with restraints of course, but with your hands..until they stop resisting. I did this with my 3 yr old in public at a youth sports venue and faced them in the corner physically...with my hand on the back of their neck and waist...for a good 40 minutes until he stopped fighting( I missed my older kids game), but to this day..he is 11..he still remembers, and I just have to threaten it and he gets in line. My point is you have to win the battle with them, or you will not establish who is in charge.

[CptObvious]

Just pay some random asian family to take care of the brat for a day or two. That'll straighten his bitch ass out for a good decade.

[pink_sugar]

I'm really against hitting myself, but I don't think there's anything wrong with a swat on the butt to get the point accross. My aunt would try to 'reason' with my cousin, but there really isn't any reasoning with a child that young. I saw my cousin constantly misbehave as a kid and time outs really didn't work as he would just get up and do it again. I'm not sure if this would be effective for a 4 year old, but I know by the time my brother and I were at least 8, we would be told to "go to your room" none of this 5 minute time-out nonsense and I would be required to stay there for at least a few hours. And by this I mean a room with no tv or anything

[pink_sugar]

We also use the dog poop in the back yard. We have used it on our 6 year old since he was 4 1/2. It works!! He hates to do it.

 

The key is finding what works.

 

Wow! And I had to do this as a regular chore...not as punishment. Kids these days have it made.

[MuscleCarFan]

We also use the dog poop in the back yard. We have used it on our 6 year old since he was 4 1/2. It works!! He hates to do it.

 

The key is finding what works.

 

This was a chore for me! Not punishment!

[dreamingoftigers]

We have it for our three year old that if we see that she's getting upset like she is going to flip, that we ask if she needs to "take a break."

 

Mostly she does this for herself now. We started when she was two. She started screaming in the grocery store, after trying to calm her down, we had pick her up and leave. She screamed all the way home (2 blocks) and we brought her up to her room and explained about when we want to scream we take a break until we don't want to anymore.

 

She mostly can see for herself when she's hitting that frustrated/upset point. She will just say "I need to take a break." (Of course it was really heartbreaking one night when she really hurt her finger and I thought she was going to lose the nail. She just looked up with tears in her eyes and said "Mommy I need to take a break." And she squeaked when she said "break.":(

 

If it is something she needs help with, she just says 'mommy/daddy I need help." Sometimes it comes out really whiny so I'll ask her if she can use her "strong voice." Usually she does and she's proud of herself after.

 

We do lots of hugs and we take time to play every night, either myself or my husband. I find a strong correlation between attention and not acting up. We also make sure that we do story time every single night and hugs and kisses etc. Routine is secure and set for her. She knows what to expect without huge twists and transitions.

 

She loves stickers and temporary tattoos, when she makes a successful transition (i.e. in bed with no fuss) she gets a butterfly sticker. She very consistently gets her bedtime stickers. If we see that she's had a tough day for whatever reason (i.e. the kid at daycare bit her and she didn't beat him up back, she used to strong voice and told him to stop) then we do things like take her swimming.

 

We do not use food as a reward (especially sugar, sigh). Both my husband and I were rewarded (occasionally) with sugar and we're both fat as Hell.

 

When she does get time outs, if she pulls the "off the chair" or a big scream, I will silently put her back on the chair and push the stove timer for another minute. The message gets delivered.

 

We have a couple rules too:

 

1. We don't scream to get what we want

2. No hitting or being aggressive

3. Be nice to the dog (see above)

4. wash your hands when you use the toilet.

 

She knows them, she repeats them to other kids. It's also been explained ( but I am not sure how far it has sunk in) that when she breaks those rules it is literally "asking" to have a time out. I give a choice before I just "put the jump on her though." I say "do we scream to get what we want?" and she'll say "no." So I will ask, "what do we do?" and 9 out of ten times, she'll respond okay. If she does something like hit, then time out...

 

Anyway, best of luck. Everything is case by case. But mostly I've noticed my kid goes off of my reactions. If she thinks she can push or pull a reaction out of me, she might try. But overall she's a pretty wonderful kid :love:

 

(although early on in the timeout phase she would hit me just as I would have her tucked into bed, I think it was a test to see if she would get a timeout, three nights in a row and she never tried it again. She HATES timeout.)

[mambonumber5]

I'm totally going to spank my future kids. Let's face it - you cannot reason with a child at least until they are 4 or 5 years old. What are you supposed to do in the meantime? At a young age they are no different than animals (a pig is smarter than a 3 year old), and can only understand biological cues (hunger, cold, and yes - a little spanking).

[Silly_Girl]

you cannot reason with a child at least until they are 4 or 5 years old.

 

Have you ever had any interaction with an infant?

[mambonumber5]

Have you ever had any interaction with an infant?

 

Yes, enough times, and they are not bright at all - they cannot be . (This doesn't anoy me, I am merely acknowledging it ). 5 is the earliest one can expect some remote semblance of conscience and ability to reason for some simple things in a child. It cracks me up when I see parents trying to debate their 2-3 year old, the poor people.

 

You can certainly condition kids for some things much earlier - starting as early as 6 months - but that's not reasoning. That's conditioning - the same thing you do with animals (many of which are indeed smarter than an infant)

Edited November 14, 2012 by mambonumber5

[Silly_Girl]

Your experience is very different from mine!

[dreamingoftigers]

Your experience is very different from mine!

 

Jeepers, mine too.

 

She even has cracked spelling things out and choices, negotiating etc etc etc

Example:

 

I say, "we're going to read two stories tonight."

 

She says, "no THREE."

 

I say, "I don't want you to be tired when you go to [dayhome] tomorrow."

 

"okay Mommy, but I need stickers."

 

Done deal. She's three. Been going on for awhile too.

[standtall]

Jeepers, mine too.

 

She even has cracked spelling things out and choices, negotiating etc etc etc

Example:

 

I say, "we're going to read two stories tonight."

 

She says, "no THREE."

 

I say, "I don't want you to be tired when you go to [dayhome] tomorrow."

 

"okay Mommy, but I need stickers."

 

Done deal. She's three. Been going on for awhile too.

 

So far yours in only 3..let's see who runs the show when she is 16..let me tell you now, it won't be you. I have 3 children...11, 13, and 16, and I have seen the teenagers of my friends who tried your methods...it ain't pretty.

[xxoo]

So far yours in only 3..let's see who runs the show when she is 16..let me tell you now, it won't be you. I have 3 children...11, 13, and 16, and I have seen the teenagers of my friends who tried your methods...it ain't pretty.

 

Eh, my kids are getting older, and have only gotten more reasonable with age.

 

For every parenting method, there are great examples and nightmare examples....

[KathyM]

I was never a believer in spankings or hitting. It only makes children more agressive with others. The very rare times I hit my son's touche after he misbehaved, he took it out physically on his brother. Corporal punishment is not the answer. Time out is the answer for four year olds. Have the time-out chair facing the corner. Set him in it and tell him he needs to stay there until the buzzer goes off (set an alarm clock or timer that buzzes). If he gets out of the chair, put him back in it and reset the timer. (It should be set for four minutes--one minute for each year of age). Tell him if he gets out of the chair before the timer goes off, his time will start over, so he needs to wait it out the first time. And then be prepared to put him back in the chair as many times as it takes until he is there for four minutes straight. He will test this, so be prepared to take him back to the time out chair several times until he realizes you are not going to back down.