To the WS, do you still think about the OP after R with the BS?

[justcantletgo]

A guy I met online (and had an intense EA for almost 2 years) and was planning to meet up in person to tie the knot in a few months, I found out recently was still married through a background check, and was never divorced like he told me. He's been married since he was 18, for 12 years now and have 3 children (he didn't lie to me about having kids but basically lied to me pretty much about everything) I had a hint he might be hiding something coz he refused to give me his phone number and address and was very secretive about his family but I've never thought he would lie to me to that extent. What started off as a casual net friendship developed into the most intense relationship I could have ever imagined, we would email each other every other day at first and get together for the occasional chat. We lived in different countries and most emails and chats were initially about experiences we have had in relationships, casual talks about hobbies, things we did during the week, music movies, pretty much anything and everything. As time went by I felt myself growing more fond of him, our chats lasted longer, we emailed each other more often and we found that we had A LOT of things in common. I wasn't expecting anything from it, neither was he, we were just friends who enjoyed each others company even if it was through words on a screen. Our I miss you's eventually turned into I love you's and before we know it, we were deeply inlove. But when I discovered his real marital status and confronted him about it, instead of coming clean, he chose to lie and deny and suddenly wanted us to be just friends. I went ballistic because he suddenly didn't want anything to do with me right after I found out the truth so I emailed all of his friends and family members on fb (including the wife, her family and friends too) about our affair complete with all the screenshots of our sweet conversations on chat and his videos where he was confessing his love for me and exposed him for a liar and cheater that he is.

 

The W emailed me back and thanked me for all the info. She said she was confused, hurt and mad and apologized to me many times for all of his lies. She told me that for the sake of their children, they are going through MC trying to save their marriage and asked me to not email anyone they know anymore coz it's hurting her too (I wonder how?) But I told her I wanted him to apologize to me and explain to me why he lied to me for so long. I needed to talk to him one last time just for my own sanity. But she said I will never get any apologies or closure from him coz he has no access to computer or internet whatsoever. I was so heartbroken, I felt like the loser in the entire saga, I've been lied to and ended up the one who was left alone. I was glad that she has such a forgiving heart (no, she didn't have any idea about the affair prior to my expose and didn't know her husband is posing as single on the internet) and has seemed to have move on. I'm not sure anymore if I regret exposing him to his wife and everyone they know coz now, we totally have NC anymore and I feel like I was the one who ended up being miserable after this whole time. There were times that I thought I was okay already and will be able to move on quickly coz I've never met him in person but I still find myself crying and missing him like crazy. Yes, despite all the lies and deception. It's funny coz I met a lot of guys around here IN PERSON and I didn't feel so intensely attracted towards them when this guy I've never met was all I could think of day in and out. I'm still hurting over his betrayal, mad at him because he's a cad and a sleazeball for making up so much lies but at the same time, wishing he didn't lie to me and just confessed the truth when I gave him the chance, maybe I wouldn't be this hurt and angry. In fact, I just don't think I am capable of loving anyone again or at least open my heart for a new love. Believe me, I tried going out on dates with some of the most handsome men I met in my life after the D day but I just wasn't interested in them beyond friendship. I'm not sure if it's because I was so jaded, I just don't think there's anyone else for me but him.

 

I guess my questions to the WS are, do you still think about the OP or miss them after R with the BS? Was going back to the BS sincere most of the times? What made you stay and make amends? I am just so confused and sad right now. I am not even sure if I was asking the right questions. I don't know if I will ever get over this.

[veryhappy]

You were smart to do the background check.

 

I'm sure he's thinking of you, but what does that do for your real life? Nothing good. He's also doing major damage control with his M and it's very likely his number one priority right now.

 

You'll feel better with time. It's not about you, it's about the role you played and it's unfair because you didn't know he was married. Grieve the fantasy you built, but focus on the fact that real him was pretty pathetic and manipulative.