doowah Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 I am dating my MM (he's in an open marriage). In the beginning it was all fun, butterflies and happiness. After a few months he started being busy at work and I saw less of him. It sucked, but it was temporarily. But then he went on a month long vacation. Didn't see him for over a month. When he was back, he was very busy at work. He already prepared me that this was going to be a busy month in August. He told me it would last another 3 weeks and then he'd except to have more time (and I already know I won't see him the next 3 weeks). But I've seen him twice past month and we've texted every day since I met him. When I see him now, he has less energy. The happy energy we had in the beginning seems gone. It hurts that I only got to see him twice this month, after not seeing him for over a month. And then, when I do see him, things are different. Still he claims he doesn't want to break up. He's just very busy (and I do believe him on that) and with that, he and his wife are trying to get pregnant which makes him want to be home more often. How does one deal with the change in feelings? Will it get better again? Is this a normal phase to go through? It is in normal relationships, but then you get to see each other more often and talk and compensate with other things. I don't know if I should just give him space, or break-up because last two times I saw him, it didn't give me the happy energetic feeling I longed for. Or something else? Is it possible to get through this phase in an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 His actions are more or less telling you he's not as into you as you are into him. He is a busy person and isn't going to make extra time for you. Sorry to be blunt but if you want this casual affair to continue, detach from him and just enjoy the time you spend with him and don't pressure him or make him feel bad or guilty for spending less time with you than before. If you want more and this isn't working for you anymore, end it and find someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 He's in an open marriage, he's got more than just you and his wife, he probably found some new strange and it's exciting to him and well, you... you're not so exciting now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 This is what I told my exMM when I was telling him about what he was getting himself into: I'm already working on my M, this will not be something I will work on. If it won't work for me, it will be over. It's an affair. It's supposed to be amazing. If it's not naturally amazing, move on. Your MM is not interested enough in you. Don't accept that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doowah Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 Fair enough, whichwayisup. But saying it is a casual affair implies there are other types of affairs as well. What makes this a casual affair? And what bothers me about this is that he has told me from the beginning to talk to him about what bothered me. I'm trying to do that, but you're telling me not to... Link to post Share on other sites
Author doowah Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 Cutedragon, I agree with you on that. It's the same for me, I want it to be amazing otherwise it doesn't give me energy. But can it be less amazing for a while and get back to being amazing? Also, he claims he is polyamorous. He claims he wants the intimacy and closeness. It made me think and feel that it was not just for the sex. He never gave me that feeling either. We text on a daily base about everything and nothing. I guess that makes me feel that it's not a casual affair. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that he's unhappy in his marriage and I do not want him to get divorced. I'd just like to keep him as it used to be, seeing him once a week, do fun stuff and spend the night together. Maybe every now and again go away for the weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 You want to hear it will get better. I'm telling you it won't. They're getting pregnant, then they'll be pregnant, then they'll have a baby. That's stuff that makes people busier and busier. He's already detached from you, and so should you. Don't look at what's coming out of his mouth, look at how he's treating you. You like this man too much, and you are ready to settle for less and less. Be careful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author doowah Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 I meant to say I do believe he IS happy in his marriage, not unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doowah Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 Cutedragon, maybe that is the harsh reality. I guess I'll just have to let him go and hope that eventually we'll just be good friends. I hate it that he's telling me to be open en honest about my worries and my feelings and that in return he's not. I suppose he wants me to let him go, without me getting pissed off at him for this because if I do, the story will be that it ended because I had a crush on him and couldn't deal with it. If I just let go without getting pissed off, it seems I didn't really care. I DO care and I do care about him and I don't want to get angry at him. I guess I trust too much on people being honest to me. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 (edited) I am dating my MM (he's in an open marriage). In the beginning it was all fun, butterflies and happiness. After a few months he started being busy at work and I saw less of him. It sucked, but it was temporarily. But then he went on a month long vacation. Didn't see him for over a month. When he was back, he was very busy at work. He already prepared me that this was going to be a busy month in August. He told me it would last another 3 weeks and then he'd except to have more time (and I already know I won't see him the next 3 weeks). But I've seen him twice past month and we've texted every day since I met him. When I see him now, he has less energy. The happy energy we had in the beginning seems gone. It hurts that I only got to see him twice this month, after not seeing him for over a month. And then, when I do see him, things are different. Still he claims he doesn't want to break up. He's just very busy (and I do believe him on that) and with that, he and his wife are trying to get pregnant which makes him want to be home more often. How does one deal with the change in feelings? Will it get better again? Is this a normal phase to go through? It is in normal relationships, but then you get to see each other more often and talk and compensate with other things. I don't know if I should just give him space, or break-up because last two times I saw him, it didn't give me the happy energetic feeling I longed for. Or something else? Is it possible to get through this phase in an affair? I am not sure how your MM would be able to maintain a full relationship with you while dealing with trying to have a baby and worse, when the baby is born. I think in this case, being the OW, even in an open relationship sees you losing out, as naturally, he will be investing more time into his wife, and their baby if they have one and their household and he will have less time for you. I think although it is open, usually open marriages seem to have a primary relationship (the M) that comes before everything else and the other relationships are supplement that will have to take a backseat to the goals and desires of the married couple. You have to decide if you want this type of position. In my A, this behavior was the beginning of the end. I remember he said his job got a new contract with a company that was in another country and had a different time zone, so he was busy with work and was also working later and odd hours because of this. He too "prepared" me to expect less of him. We went from talking daily, to every few days, to once a week, to weeks passing til nothing. I am sure he was "busy" but the truth was, he'd always had work and a life, and the difference was, when he wanted to fit me in...he did! This was just an excuse, built on some truth...but really just like he is making time for his wife, he could make time for you too if he wanted. What do you ultimately want from him? Regular relationships have ebbs and flows, but that is different from one partner having another romantic partner, trying to have babies, having a house and a life with them. most obviously, the latter makes it A LOT more difficult to work through issues. You have to be honest about what you want and need and what's comfortable for you. His M situation is getting more complex (with the trying for a baby). He is putting effort into that and not into your relationship....it may very well be the easy way of letting you down. I'm sure things could "pick up", months or years from now, but is that what you want? You have to decide if this setup is truly for you or not. Also, are you certain he is in an open M? Edited October 24, 2012 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 We text on a daily base about everything and nothing. I guess that makes me feel that it's not a casual affair. Pay attention to his actions, not his words. How much effort does it take to text? Hardly none at all. Meeting up with you and spending time together takes effort. He doesn't want to break up because you are a low maintenance OW. He doesn't have to make any effort, and you are still there. You should tell him how you feel, but prepare yourself. He may distance himself further because he doesn't want you to have expectations. Ask him to describe your relationship and see what he says. He may say something that will make it clear to you that you are just FWB. If he tells you how much he loves you, ask him why he only makes minimal effort to see you. If he says it's because he's busy, tell him you need more. Does his wife know his marriage is "open"? I think even the most sexually liberal women would not want her man sleeping with others while she is trying to get pregnant. Condoms don't prevent some infections, like herpes, that could harm her baby. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author doowah Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 I'm sure things could "pick up", months or years from now, but is that what you want? You have to decide if this setup is truly for you or not. Also, are you certain he is in an open M? That is very useful advice and that's what I was 'afraid' of. Not really, because I knew from the start this wasn't going to last forever. It already lasted longer than I expected. Yes, I'm 99% sure he's in an open relationship. And my 'fear' is exactly as you describe. Maybe in a few weeks he's less busy with work, but I'm not convinced he'll use the extra time to spend more time with me. I'm not sure yet about this setup, if I can deal with it. Sometimes I'm fine with it, and sometimes it really gets to me. As long as it gives me more energy than it costs me, I'm fine. But I'm starting to doubt that at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doowah Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 You should tell him how you feel, but prepare yourself. He may distance himself further because he doesn't want you to have expectations. Does his wife know his marriage is "open"? I think even the most sexually liberal women would not want her man sleeping with others while she is trying to get pregnant. Condoms don't prevent some infections, like herpes, that could harm her baby. I told him how I felt, and he leaves it in the open. He says he doesn't know himself, that he can't see the future and tells me 'we shall see' when I ask him if it will get better again (which I translate to: I don't think it will get better, but I'm trying to tell myself not to think for him). And yes, his wife knows his marriage is open. I do agree with you though, and I think she'd be happy if he'd stop seeing me for that reason. Link to post Share on other sites
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