He's no good 4 me but I still want him

[Mileena]

I've been seeing this guy for two months. He's a real piece of work this one & my feelings for him are all mixed up. Obviously I like him (though I really wish I didn't) cause I keep seeing him even knowing the things I know about him like he's a liar & a player, Anyway one of the issues is we're both into rough sex and one day last week when I was at his house I told him I wanted him to be rougher with me. Friday night he was high & we started having sex and he was punching me through the whole thing. After I was a little shaken up cause I've never been hit like that before & he said it was the drugs that made him aggressive like that and that I need to find someone else cause he's not the one for me, I told him I didn't think that & he said I'm a sweet girl & he doesn't want to hurt me & I shouldn't be around guys like him. I said I've had worse trying to hint like hey I like u so I don't care. Like 5 minutes later he tells me when he's on that it's hard for him to cum & if I don't make him cum next time he'll beat my ass & he needs to have multiple women at the same time no offense to me cause I'm hot & I f**k good but that's how it is. I don't remember what I said or if I said anything at all. Anyway, he texted me the next morning saying sorry he was being a dick last night. I said its ok. I didn't tell him that there was something wrong with my right ear. I decided to go to the hospital yesterday & my eardrum is ruptured. I told him last night when he texted. He said he was really sorry but that's what I asked for. So now my friends & cousin who know what happened don't want me with him cause they're afraid he's gonna hurt or kill me. I promised them I wouldn't see him anymore & I already broke it cause I was with him today. (no sex just hanging out).

 

Then there's the females. Since we met I feel like everytime I'm with him, I find out things. As of right now I don't trust him, everything that comes out his mouth I assume is a lie cause he's lied to me alot already, When we first met he was bringing girls over until the third day in a row he did that & I got upset & he hasn't brought another girl around me since but about a month ago I spent the weekend with him & he requested me on facebook. The next day, I took him to work & went back to his room. I seen two letters on the chair & read them. In one it said he's having sex with two other girls. I knew who they were cause he pointed them out to me one night at the bar & said they were friends. Then I look at his pics on his page & they're all of girls. One pic was of a girl in front of the room he used to live at with the date 9/15/12. I had stayed over that night & he told me he was shopping all day with the guy he's rooming with now. I questioned him about the girl & he said nothing happened & she's just a friend & I don't have to worry about those girls. I said okay but thought u & her in a hotel room & nothing happened..yea right. I didn't mention what I read in the letters though. Also he's constantly texting, I spent the night last week mon-thurs at his house & one night we we're watching a movie & I could see what he was texting & he was texting like 2 or 3 girls. Wakes up at 5am for work & he's texting. Last night I saw him online on the dating site we met. I just brush it all off like I don't care cause if I let it get to me I'll go nuts.

 

I don't wanna freaking like him but I do. I deny it to everyone that I don't want him as a boyfriend but that's exactly what I want. I'm hoping maybe I can change him & make him love me one day. I know it's stupid to think that but I can't help it & part of me doesn't want to give up. I don't know if my feelings are real, if I'm atrracted to him cause he's a ''bad boy'' or it's just the chase of making him all mine. I don't know sometimes I feel it's all three. I know I should end this now before whatever the hell I feel for him gets stronger but deep down I don't want too.