How do I get exhusband out of my head?

[VirginiaUtah]

I'm newly divorced and going thru all the stages of grief. I'd like to hear responses from the men. Here's my problem...

 

Me and my ex truly loved each other and we were very compatible. We had alot of problems though and I felt a huge lack of respect from my husband. Basically he was old school - wife should be subservient, cater to his needs and he can do whatever the hell he pleases but I better never cheat on him or he'll kick me out of his house. With his arrogant, self absorbed attitude I lost trust and respect in him. I am a very independent woman and he fell in love with me because of that and my intelligence.

 

Problem was when I agreed to marry him he tried to make me feel like I was stupid and not a good wife because I didn't cater to him and give up my identity to serve him as a wife. He didn't value or respect me as a person.

 

I couldn't stay married to him. He made me feel insecure and inferior. I divorced him in June of this year. We split and haven't tried to contact each other since. I ended it abrubtly and am still very angry at him.

 

I divorced him but despite it all I still love him and hate him at the same time. I miss him, I am grieving for him. Trying to get thru all the emotions. There are times I want to write him a letter, drive by his house, etc. (which I hate even admitting). Then there are times I just hate him for hurting me so much when all I wanted to do was love him. He hasn't made any effort to contact me - I'm the bad guy because I ended it and divorced him. I feel bad and wish we could talk to each other and forgive each other (not reconcile).

 

He was the type that belittled me and did things intentionally to make me jealous. This hurt me so much because I really loved him and he said he loved me. His background consisted of a mother abandoning him when he was 13 (she cheated on his dad and ran off with another guy - he didn't see or talk to her for 7 years). This his first marriage his ex cheated on him and ran off with another guy.

 

I think this was part of why he treated me the way he did but it's no excuse. I did nothing to deserve being treated the way I did. Still it hurts because I still love him. There were good times and he never hit me or threatened me - he was very good to me most of the time.

 

But the things he said to me to whittle away at my self esteem were worse than physical violence. I've felt insecure and very lonely and sad since I left him. I don't know how to get over him. I thought as time passed it would get easier but it's getting harder.

 

If I just knew how he's feeling maybe that would help. In my mind I think he's totally forgotten me and has moved on. He made me out to be such a bad person to his friends and family - which really hurt too.

 

How do I get him out of my head? Is he grieving at all?

[Yikes]

It sounds as though you weren't getting much respect. Mutual respect and honest communication are so important. My marriage of 17 years ended a year ago and lack of respect was something that was sending me over the edge. The belittling and nasty tone was just more than I could bear. The repeated dishonesty, infidelity, and financial bungling coupled with total disrespect made pulling the plug an extremely easy decision. In the end I needed to face the fact that she was no longer the same girl that I fell in love with and she wasn't coming back. It was a painful thing to accept because there was a time when we were happy. I'm sure you have similar feelings.

 

At the end of the day, we all want to be respected and loved for who we are, and you know what? You cannot make some one respect you, nor can you make someone love you. More importantly you shouldn't have to. For me I would rather be alone than be treated that way, and I won't be treated that way in front of my own children. I would not want my kids staying in a marriage like that. My biggest challenge is repairing my self esteme and working up the courage to let someone close again... and for me anyway, that scares the hell out of me.

 

You need to be you, and a marriage is no picnic without honesty and respect. Keep your chin up, be good to yourself and focus on new beginnings. Somewhere out there is is a guy that will treat you right, you just haven't met him yet.

[VirginiaUtah]

Yikes, you are absolutely correct about that - there was a huge lack of respect. What hurts the most is how many times I told my ex that the most important thing to me was being respected. We talked about this before we got married. What's so ironic is how he constanly drilled in my head that if I ever cheated on him he'd kick me out the door. But in the end it was his lack of respect and my lack of trust in him that caused me to divorce him.

 

He wanted me to be faithful and loyal but he was doing things behind my back that went against what we promised each other. He had no respect for me as his partner or wife all the while threatening me if I treated him with disrespect he'd kick me out the door.

 

I guess I'm just angry that the person I married ended up being such a cad. I felt tricked into marrying him and that he put on a show by being a nice guy before we got married then after I married him the spawn of Satan came out. I know why he was so anxious to get me to marry him so quickly now - if I had of waited like my gut was trying to tell me - I would have seen who he was and never married him to begin with!

 

Thanks for your post Yikes - you are right - I do need to focus on myself and new beginnings. Thank you! Good luck to you as well. I hope good things come your way.

[Yikes]

Fortunately, I don't miss my ex at all. Getting towards the end it was so unbearable that there is nothing to miss. If I was to miss her even a little bit, she goes and does something to make me mad. (my "am I being unreasonable? fathers day thread is a perfect example) Actually it's a good thing that she periodically reminds of what I'm NOT missing.

 

Tomorrow is my 18th wedding anniversary and 2nd since the split. Last year was pretty hard, this year not quite as bad, it's just another day (or so I try to tell myself). I just returned from taking my kids back to my ex's - that always bums me out. I miss them before I even get back home. I have learned to HATE Sunday evenings, whether I'm picking up the kids or dropping them off, this was not supposed to happen, kids are not supposed to go through this crap.

 

I just want us all to be happy, (my ex included). Life is far too short and as far as I know you don't get any "do-overs".

[VirginiaUtah]

Yikes - I can only imagine how difficult it is with your kids. I think Sunday evenings are hard on everyone. Things calm down and the work week lies ahead and you stop and have more time to think about things. You've been divorced over a year now - you haven't met anyone worth dating?

 

You still sound like you have alot of anger and resentment (even though you say you don't miss your ex). Who initiated the divorce? Has she begun another relationship?

 

Watch the series "Rescue Me" on FX - Wednesday nights at 9 pm. Dennis Leary is a fireman going thru a divorce and some of the things he deals with you could relate to. It's a great show.

[Yikes]

Yea, it's tough. My kids are terrific and all things considered have handled things very well. I love them to death.

 

Actually, I'm not divorced yet. We separated in June of 2003 and the separation agreement was just wrapped up. I am still paying my lawyer bill from that but plan on filing for divorce as soon as I can afford it which will likely be early in 2005. Since I will be filing, it is safe to assume that my ex will not be willing to help pay for it. I am told that it will cost $1,100.00 since our agreement is already done.

 

I still am dealing with the anger. My story is a long one of dishonesty, infidelity, financial bungling, blown 2nd chances and a backstabbing ex-friend. So yes, I am still a tad bitter, but the worse part is I am terrified to let anyone close again. Life is safe and I am in control if it's just me and the kids. I have been on one dinner date since separating and it was a disaster. I have not given up on love, I am just pretty gun shy right now to go looking for it. Does that make sense?

 

My ex is still sneaking around with my ex friend who is also married as well as dating a bit. She is petrified of being alone.

 

I expect that I'll be up all night, I always have trouble sleeping on Sunday nights, which is exactly why I am poking around these forums. There are a lot of good suggestions here, I wish I new about this site a long time ago.

 

I've never heard of "Rescue Me" I'll have to see if we get that up here in Canada.

 

The movie "The Story of Us" with Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfieffer really hit me hard. I really identified with Willis's character. My wife and I watched it on video while we were struggling. The movie had me in tears but didn't affect her one bit. She saw absolutely NO parallels what so ever. It was so close to what we were going through it was scary. Her head and her heart were in another place.