30's couple, no kids but wife makes no effort in bed

[Keith225]

Hi, my wife is 37 and i am 33. We have been happily married for two years. She has a career within which she is doing very well and i am so very proud of her. I have a job which i am happy with. She loves me and i love her.

There is just one issue that is tearing me up inside and that is the sex. I feel awefull writting this but it has been realy boring since just before we got married. Before sex was great! She was up for anything. I have tried everything to try and change things and get sex back to the way it was. We have talked so many times about it but nothing changes. She acknowledges something isn't right but does not seem to be prepared to do anything about it. I am a generous lover in bed, i would do anything for her if it made her feel good but even that doesn't seem to move her. Sex guides, tantric sex, toys and more have been tried but she just has n o interest after a few goes. I tried offering her massages but she is never interested. Attempts such as a nice meal when she gets home have no effect. We do have sex maybe once or twice tops per month but it is always the same. Saturday morning, missionary, she cums as soon as she can which is a few minutes then utterly looses interests. If i try to move positions she tuts at this. She says 'no' to everything. She doesn't seem to care about my needs in bed anymore whilst i make it clear i am up for anything! I wonder how she feels about this? What i find ironic is the things that i am complaining about here are the things that women complain about men in bed.

Really, really frustrated. Wits end. I love her and fancy her so sooo much. And i tell her this all the time. Imagine being utterly in love with a person but being unable to really feel like you are both enjoying eachother physicaly

Things never used to be like this. Sex was awesome. To a certain degree i feel she has secured a man now and has no need to make an effort in bed and this thought makes me feel terrible.

Like i said we have talked, but nothing changes. I feel a little supicious. Is it me despite what she says?. I never receive oral sex yet i am clean but she never showers after work and that makes the prospect of me giving her oral sex on a morning unappealing.

I hate saying these things about her, i really do. Just at my wits end. Have tried talking etc. i tried avoiding sex to see if she would want me a little more. I quit after six weeks!

Despite this, i still like the sex but feel really unfulfilled after due to her lack of effort towards me.

Any suggestions. I don't want to offend her.

[Million.to.1]

you should probably see a counselor together.

 

do you guys plan on having kids?

[taya]

wow thats alot and the sad thing is she may not change beacuse thats the person i think she is your more sexual then her and want diffrent things in bed then her some woman will make it there point to please there man but some dont care you can talk until your blue in the face they wont change .you say it your self you talk to her alot about it and no change so my question to you is i dont think she will change so what you going to do?? and i dont think its you she just dont like everthing you like in bed and she started off doing everthing but that dont mean she likes everthing thats why she stop some woman dont get pleasure in some stuff . i have a friend and when me and her sit down and talk about your sex life with our men alot of things i love to do in bed she say she dont like them and she dont do them ...something can be fixs some cannot it just depends on the person

Edited October 24, 2012 by taya

[standtall]

The old switch and bait..which is far to common of an issue with marriage..by both genders.

 

Since your early in the marriage, with no children, I would lay down the law.. Either she steps up her game, or you are checking out. If you don't have intimacy now..early and with no kids, then in 5 yrs, you will be getting nothing.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Any suggestions. I don't want to offend her.

 

Offend her. Or rather, don't pussyfoot around here. You need to have the "Your needs of her: her needs of you" discussion. You have a need and she is choosing not to meet it. If she does not want straight sex with you there are half a dozen ways to give you a happy ending - it is part of her role to try to meet your needs and she is not doing it. She married a younger guy - so can't reasonably claim that it's a huge surprise that you will want sex.

 

I'm guessing you haven't had the mutual needs discussion, and that there is something ( or a the worst, someone ) else.

 

The good news is, you have caught this early. As Standtall says, it could be five years down the line and you'd be f*cked every way but literally by the consequences of exiting. Now : you have the opportunity and the leverage to lay it on the line, in a reach-out-and-communicate way.

Edited October 24, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[xxoo]

Any suggestions. I don't want to offend her.

 

This is part of the problem. Women don't respect a man who won't stand up for himself.

 

That doesn't mean you have to be mean about it, but you do have to confront her about it firmly. Tell her that you are very unhappy about the situation, and it isn't something that you can accept. Tell her that you are interested in solving the problem together--getting to the root of the issue, and renewing your sex life--but that you need to see similar interest in her. If not, you'll have no choice but to leave.

[Daniel V. Ross]

Talk with her and help her to boost her sex drive again.

[Cb3657]

Man I hate to be the one to bring the bad news but this happens in many marriages and is often cyclical. Times in mine were I had to really push both her and me to insure the sex life still had a heartbeat other times she was all in and we had a lot of fun. These cycles can be quite long, on the order of months, if you want your marriage to last you have to address it so you both are making a effort.

Have the conversations, no one likes these but life punishes cowards so do it, you are likely to hear a bunch of blame on both sides, try to focus on concrete actions you and her can take to fix it. It is not all on her and not all on you

[Keith225]

Thanks for all of your replies. I must say that we don't have marriage problems. We are happy together. We are a team. We rarely argue. If we do feel we are going to argue which is rare we take a time out and discuss. It is just the sex!

This is why i am so confused as to what to do. We have talked about it but it is something within her that has changed that she doesn't appear to want to address. We talk about our likes and dislikes. She knows exactly what i like and i try and do everything the she likes. But she NEVER returns it. I need to tell her i am deeply unhappy with our sex life which is difficult for me because i fancy her so much. I don't want to make her sad. Want to tell her she is making me unhappy and i can feel very resentful towards her sometimes. How do i do this?

 

It is sounding a bit whiney now, sorry!

[Keith225]

No, no kids. We kind of enjoy the freedom we have without kids. Although the subject comes up sometimes

[Keith225]

wow thats alot and the sad thing is she may not change beacuse thats the person i think she is your more sexual then her and want diffrent things in bed then her some woman will make it there point to please there man but some dont care you can talk until your blue in the face they wont change .you say it your self you talk to her alot about it and no change so my question to you is i dont think she will change so what you going to do?? and i dont think its you she just dont like everthing you like in bed and she started off doing everthing but that dont mean she likes everthing thats why she stop some woman dont get pleasure in some stuff . i have a friend and when me and her sit down and talk about your sex life with our men alot of things i love to do in bed she say she dont like them and she dont do them ...something can be fixs some cannot it just depends on the person

 

You know, i don't think i could ever split up with her over this. I love her too much. It would appear shallow for me to do such a thing. I kinda just want to know why she has changed. What happened? I hate the idea that it might have to be ME that changes and not both of us. At the moment i am 33, i feel great, almost in my prime. I love sex, i want more. But with my gorgous wife!

[Keith225]

Talk with her and help her to boost her sex drive again.

 

Sheknows her sex drive is down. She doesn't know why. But when we do have sex she clearly enjoys it, but she has an orgasm as fast as she can then that's it all over. So frustrating.

 

She mentioned tantric sex once. To try and get us away from the idea of the orgasm is the be all and end all. I loved the idea. I read about it on the internet. Listened to podcasts, bought some books. Researched it. It was something we could both focus on. What happpened? Nothing. She made zero effort to try any of the techniques. The one she did seem to enjoy was the one that involved her doing nothing. But even she lost interest in that.

This annoyed me. It was her idea but she made no effort. I feel it is only me putting effort in to try and solve the problem which leads me to ask how much she really cares about it and by extension me.

[taya]

You know, i don't think i could ever split up with her over this. I love her too much. It would appear shallow for me to do such a thing. I kinda just want to know why she has changed. What happened? I hate the idea that it might have to be ME that changes and not both of us. At the moment i am 33, i feel great, almost in my prime. I love sex, i want more. But with my gorgous wife!

 

i really hopes it gets better

Edited October 25, 2012 by taya

[happyme]

She knows this and it's precisely why you're no longer having sex. There's no need for her to make an effort, she has the ring and the contract which she known you're unlikely to break.

 

Please explain why she'd be making an effort? To make you happy? Most women don't give a **** once they have you on lockdown.

 

I'm sorry Greznog but that's just untrue. Any woman who views her relationship with the man she 'loves' in that way must be very immature and/or is simply not in love. The women I know don't seem to think that way and certainly I don't.... my goodness, what could be more wonderful than actually enjoying a close and intimate relationship with the man you love? I couldn't imagine anything more fulfilling personally, and I really don't see what a ring and/or contract have to do with it. I have the ring and the contract, and they are indeed meaningful to me yes. Why? Because they are the outward signs of the love, trust, respect and desire I feel for my husband. The deep emotional and physical intimacy that this includes is an integral part of all that.

 

To the OP therefore I would say there IS a problem and it does require addressing, which can be difficult as this subject is usually a very emotive one and can easily bring up feelings of hurt and rejection on both sides. To have any success it will be necessay to listen properly to the other person and to be kind to each other. So I'd say talk to her.... and listen without judgement. All the very best

[xxoo]

I need to tell her i am deeply unhappy with our sex life which is difficult for me because i fancy her so much. I don't want to make her sad. Want to tell her she is making me unhappy and i can feel very resentful towards her sometimes. How do i do this?

 

You sit down, hold her hand, tell her how much you love her, and spit it out: I feel unhappy with our current sex life. At times, I am so unhappy that I feel very resentful toward you. That scares me. I love you very much, and I fear that this problem is going to destroy our relationship.

 

Making her sad may be unavoidable. Holding back because you fear making her sad is called conflict avoidance. Look it up.

 

eta: get some passion in the conversation. Look her in the eye, and tell her that you are a man, and she is a beautiful woman, and it is near torture for a man like you to live with a woman like her and not have a passionate sexual relationship. If that doesn't stir her, I don't know what will.

Edited October 25, 2012 by xxoo

[taya]

She knows this and it's precisely why you're no longer having sex. There's no need for her to make an effort, she has the ring and the contract which she known you're unlikely to break.

 

Please explain why she'd be making an effort? To make you happy? Most women don't give a **** once they have you on lockdown.

 

 

i agree with you lol thats why i say to him i really hopes it gets better i feel he wants us to tell him a trick how to get her to start doing all that stuff but what he fail to understand there is no trick she dont care at this point it is what it is for her you take it or leave it ..some woman will change some will not truse me i have alot of girl friends with diffrent personality.

[taya]

I'm sorry Greznog but that's just untrue. Any woman who views her relationship with the man she 'loves' in that way must be very immature and/or is simply not in love. The women I know don't seem to think that way and certainly I don't.... my goodness, what could be more wonderful than actually enjoying a close and intimate relationship with the man you love? I couldn't imagine anything more fulfilling personally, and I really don't see what a ring and/or contract have to do with it. I have the ring and the contract, and they are indeed meaningful to me yes. Why? Because they are the outward signs of the love, trust, respect and desire I feel for my husband. The deep emotional and physical intimacy that this includes is an integral part of all that.

 

 

 

 

what Greznog say his very true not all woman do it tho i would never do it but some woman and man wont try beacuse they know they are married now they could care less what you think now beacuse you already married them before you they got married they would do anything in the world to please you even do things they may even dont like. guess what now they think they dont have to you no why beacause you married them ...i have a friend she is a girl and her husdand do this to her he dont care how he looks anymore before they got married he use to dress all nice working out at the gym now he care less lol i ear her telling him this the other day lol but he dont give a **** what she have to say now so what Greznog say is very very true

Edited October 25, 2012 by taya

[standtall]

Okay Kieth..you have established was she has not done to make you happy with sex, the question now what are you going to do about it. Here are some things to consider.

 

Ask yourself what your objective is. I would presume that this is to have more sex with your wife.

Ask yourself if your a man that she respects and is attractive enough in your manner and appearance that she wants to have sex with you. This includes being the man and standing up for yourself, being nicer to her, having self respect, not to much time with your buddies/xbox/golfing, etc..

 

What you have done in your dealings about this with her thus far is not working, so change what you're doing.

[Keith225]

I'm kinda thinking this is the base line of it. She is used to me being around now and feels that making an effort in bed is no longer needed wether i like it or not. She is not being nasty or vindictive or anything like that but i need to let her know i am unhappy with the situation. I guess i have answered my own dilema here..

I have kinda tip toed around it so far. I need to be direct with her. But obviously this is a very sensative issue; it could well sound like 'you're crap in bed' which is not going to help really.

How do you tell a woman she needs to try harder in bed to please her husband withoutsounding like a complete arse? Answer this for me and i am in your debt!

[Keith225]

I'm sorry Greznog but that's just untrue. Any woman who views her relationship with the man she 'loves' in that way must be very immature and/or is simply not in love. The women I know don't seem to think that way and certainly I don't.... my goodness, what could be more wonderful than actually enjoying a close and intimate relationship with the man you love? I couldn't imagine anything more fulfilling personally, and I really don't see what a ring and/or contract have to do with it. I have the ring and the contract, and they are indeed meaningful to me yes. Why? Because they are the outward signs of the love, trust, respect and desire I feel for my husband. The deep emotional and physical intimacy that this includes is an integral part of all that.

 

To the OP therefore I would say there IS a problem and it does require addressing, which can be difficult as this subject is usually a very emotive one and can easily bring up feelings of hurt and rejection on both sides. To have any success it will be necessay to listen properly to the other person and to be kind to each other. So I'd say talk to her.... and listen without judgement. All the very best

 

Thankyou Happyme. Good response

[taya]

I'm kinda thinking this is the base line of it. She is used to me being around now and feels that making an effort in bed is no longer needed wether i like it or not. She is not being nasty or vindictive or anything like that but i need to let her know i am unhappy with the situation. I guess i have answered my own dilema here..

I have kinda tip toed around it so far. I need to be direct with her. But obviously this is a very sensative issue; it could well sound like 'you're crap in bed' which is not going to help really.

How do you tell a woman she needs to try harder in bed to please her husband withoutsounding like a complete arse? Answer this for me and i am in your debt!

 

am a woman and this is how i would want to ear it from my guy ..you tell me you have to talk to me beause you love me so much and we have a great thing going but this is the only thing thats a problem and you only telling me beacuse you want us to have a very happy marriage make sure you tell her all that first then you tell her the problem tell her you love sex with her but you want more you name the things thats wrong and dont be scared beacuse she needs to know, tell her how you want to be please and how you feel... after your done saying what you have to say and i reapeat say it all this is your do or die moment lol say beacuse i dont what to lose interest in you... you no why you should say that beause she will be thinking wow i dont want him to leave me or go some were eles thats why you have to put that thinking in her head without telling her i will leave you or go some were eles ..................................i really hope talking to her works tho

Edited October 25, 2012 by taya

[pteromom]

Here's the thing, from my perspective.

 

I am vanilla. This means for me, sex is best when it's just sex. No experimenting or fetishes or craziness. Just good old-fashioned sex.

 

But when I start dating someone, I try to be up for whatever they are into. I want him to like me, so I try to be open.

 

Over time, though, I go back to who I naturally am - vanilla.

 

It's not about trying to get that wedding ring or bait and switch (at least not INTENTIONALLY). It's just about two people with different views about sex.

 

If your wife is vanilla too, and doesn't want all the experimentation, it's gonna be a challenge for her to want it.

 

However - usually everyone has SOME area that they can be freaky about. For me, it's exhibitionism... I am always up for semi-public action.

 

So talk to your wife. Find out what her fantasies are and see if you can find some common ground!

[Cb3657]

Look there is no way the initial conversation goes well, she will say something along the lines of - I like this and this and this and you are not doing those things therefore this is your fault, for my wife that is romance, you will say well sometimes I just want a wicked adventous hot so and so, and I need you to do this for me. See both of you need to hear it and do something about it.

You are not bad in the sack, if you were it would not be news to you now, when she talks about it may feel that way but take the feedback, if she was wild with you once a week do you think it could be all about her once a week?

I urge you not to regard the people saying this was some kind of trap, recognize that people all have good and bad times, very few people are genuinely evil or scheming most just have off times.

If during one period of your life you could not find a job how would you feel bout people saying" he is another slacker who married her for support" not true and not really how most people work

[Kevin0627]

You know, i don't think i could ever split up with her over this. I love her too much. It would appear shallow for me to do such a thing. I kinda just want to know why she has changed. What happened? I hate the idea that it might have to be ME that changes and not both of us. At the moment i am 33, i feel great, almost in my prime. I love sex, i want more. But with my gorgous wife!

 

I think it's very honorable that you're committed to not splitting over this, but you should count the cost. As others have said, it's possible that things won't change so are you prepared to live the rest of your life in this situation without cheating? (Unless, of course she's ok with that which would be rare.) If so, how do you plan on "taking care of yourself" so to speak? I've been married for a long time to a prudish woman and I'm a borderline freak, sexually speaking. When I realized things weren't going to change in my sex life, that I would never be able to receive oral (and very rarely give it) or to be with the type of woman I'm crazy about (physically/sexually speaking) I resolved to simply live with it. Like you, our marriage is awesome in most of the other categories so I figured I'd just endure. Some days are harder than others, but I'm surviving.

 

Bottom line, are you prepared to live with little to no change from your wife? If you're not planning to leave her over this, and you don't want to be unfaithful, you'd better prepare yourself; you've only been married 2 years and you've got a looooooong ways to go. Not saying she won't change – it's possible that she will, but if you're waiting for her to change without doing anything to force the issue, it sounds like a recipe for extreme frustration on your part.

[KathyM]

I think the first line of addressing this issue is direct communication. You really need to bring up this subject, but in a way that is not finger pointing or issuing ultimatums. Tell her you really love having sex with her, but something is missing in your sex life that used to be there, and you want to get back to that point before your marriage where you were both more adventurous and did more to please each other. Ask her what she would like you to do that you are currently not doing, or if there is something she would like you to do differently. Don't assume you are this great lover that doesn't need to change anything, and that it's all on her. And then tell her "You used to give me oral, which felt so great, and I really miss that." (Or whatever it is that you want her to do for you). Open communication is the way to overcome this. If the problem was an attitude problem where she wasn't concerned with pleasing you at all, then that would spill over into other areas of your marriage, and that doesn't seem to be the case. If that were the problem, then marriage counseling is in order to address why she is no longer willing to please you. If she says she's just not that interested in sex, you may want to have her see a medical doctor to determine if her hormone level is out of balance or there is some other medical issue that is dampening her desire.