Robert Z Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 ...If the problem was an attitude problem where she wasn't concerned with pleasing you at all, then that would spill over into other areas of your marriage, and that doesn't seem to be the case. That doesn't naturally follow from the facts. Losing the sex drive does not automatically translate into other areas of life. Sex is sex. In fact the domestication instincts may well translate into attentiveness in other ways. As it turns out, the instant a woman enters a secure relationship, her sex drive begins to plummet. Four years in, a German study found, fewer than half of women wanted regular sex. And after 20 years, only 20 percent did. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200706/five-shocking-stats-about-men-and-sex Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 That doesn't naturally follow from the facts. Losing the sex drive does not automatically translate into other areas of life. Sex is sex. In fact the domestication instincts may well translate into attentiveness in other ways. I didn't say that it DOES automatically translate into other areas. I said there could be a variety of reasons why she is no longer making the effort. I listed three possible ones: #1 that she doesn't think this aspect of their relationship is all that important anymore, in which case, he needs to communicate to her his needs and desires so she realizes how important this is to him. #2 was that, because she is now married, she has an overall attitude that she doesn't need to make an effort to please him, and this will be seen in other areas of their relationship as well--not making the effort to look her best because she has now secured the partner, not making the effort to connect with him or impress him or do other things for him because she feels complacent in the marriage. This is fairly common, and why many marriages go downhill, and both men and women are guilty of this. #3, there is a physical reason for her lack of desire/interest, and she is only doing it to get it over with or to please him in the minimal way she can. It's possible, if she changed her birth control method, or has a low testosterone level, her interest would decline. It's also possible her interest was always low, but she made the effort before marriage regardless because she didn't want to lose him, and now that she is secure in the marriage, she has given in to her natural desire. It could be either of these three things. If it were true that women were only interested in sex as a means to snare a man, and their body chemicals "shut off" as soon as they got one, then there would be no married women who wanted sex, and that is not the case. Plenty of women love sex who are married. Many women, in fact, claim that the reason they have lost interest in sex with their husband is the fact that their husband has stopped trying to be romantic at times other than sex, or has started to take them for granted, or is just a plain old boring guy in bed. There are many reasons why a married couple can experience a decline in interest or effort in having sex with their partner, and the OP would be wise to not assume anything, but to communicate with his wife as a starting point. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I didn't say that it DOES automatically translate into other areas. I said there could be a variety of reasons why she is no longer making the effort. I listed three possible ones: #1 that she doesn't think this aspect of their relationship is all that important anymore, in which case, he needs to communicate to her his needs and desires so she realizes how important this is to him. #2 was that, because she is now married, she has an overall attitude that she doesn't need to make an effort to please him, and this will be seen in other areas of their relationship as well--not making the effort to look her best because she has now secured the partner, not making the effort to connect with him or impress him or do other things for him because she feels complacent in the marriage. This is fairly common, and why many marriages go downhill, and both men and women are guilty of this. #3, there is a physical reason for her lack of desire/interest, and she is only doing it to get it over with or to please him in the minimal way she can. It's possible, if she changed her birth control method, or has a low testosterone level, her interest would decline. It's also possible her interest was always low, but she made the effort before marriage regardless because she didn't want to lose him, and now that she is secure in the marriage, she has given in to her natural desire. It could be either of these three things. If it were true that women were only interested in sex as a means to snare a man, and their body chemicals "shut off" as soon as they got one, then there would be no married women who wanted sex, and that is not the case. Plenty of women love sex who are married. Many women, in fact, claim that the reason they have lost interest in sex with their husband is the fact that their husband has stopped trying to be romantic at times other than sex, or has started to take them for granted, or is just a plain old boring guy in bed. There are many reasons why a married couple can experience a decline in interest or effort in having sex with their partner, and the OP would be wise to not assume anything, but to communicate with his wife as a starting point. I think the conclusion we can infer from the study is that the most likely problem is biological. After 4 years, at 50/50 odds, that should always be the first consideration. And the key is that, on the average, the drive starts to drop almost immediately after the need for pair bonding is satisfied. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett5 Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Some days are harder than others, but I'm surviving. Jeeeez, I had higher hopes than this for marriage Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 your story sounds a bit sad, but there is rarely one side to a story... why don't you ask her if there is a need of hers that you are not fulfilling? an emotional need. maybe there is something you are doing/not doing (outside the realm of intimacy/sex) that is not making her as interested as she once was? the switch and bait theory is ridiculous - women (and men) become less interested in pleasing one another when their emotional needs are not being met. it has nothing to do with being bound (or not) by marriage. something else must be bothering her so you have to ask what that is - you haven't been married long enough to consider walking away :-) Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 Life sucks... Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 I think the conclusion we can infer from the study is that the most likely problem is biological. After 4 years, at 50/50 odds, that should always be the first consideration. And the key is that, on the average, the drive starts to drop almost immediately after the need for pair bonding is satisfied. If sex drive were related to a marriage contract, and women only wanted sex to secure a husband, as your "study" implies, then women who didn't want to get married wouldn't ever desire sex. And women wouldn't desire sex with anyone other than the man she hopes to marry. And no women would want sex after marriage. None of those scenarios is true, which makes me question the validity of your study. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 We do have sex maybe once or twice tops per month but it is always the same. Saturday morning, missionary, she cums as soon as she can which is a few minutes then utterly looses interests. I doubt she actually comes from a few minutes of missionary sex. Very few women would. She's giving you duty sex and faking orgasms to get it over with as soon as possible. If she won't tell you why she doesn't want to have sex anymore, and she won't go to a doctor to get hormone levels checked out, then perhaps a marriage counselor is needed to get her to spill whatever it is she doesn't want to tell you about sex. I agree with those who have said to treat this like a big issue. I can't imagine you'd want an entire lifetime of this, which is exactly what you will get. She needs to know that you need sex to feel emotionally connected to her as well as physically, and if that's not there for you, you have no reason to stay married. A lifetime of duty sex once every month is no way to live, and you really have no reason to sign up for that. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HER, or you'll be in a sexless marriage with the responsibility of children so you can't just divorce without impacting the kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovebug1234 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 maybe you're being too needy. I have a really really high sex drive but when a guy keeps asking me for sex I get turned off, completely off. Are you guys connecting emotionally? that might be the issue. She might be emotionally cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
cooperzoey Posted November 6, 2012 Share Posted November 6, 2012 I am compelled to write because my husband and I have had the exact conversations. Yes ,you should address it now. We are 20 + years into our marriage and things almost got to the breaking point. My husband and I met in high school dated all through college and got married. Before we got married we did sexual things and as our marriage progressed so did our experimenting with different positions , toys, other things. I thought I was being a great wife because we had sex almost every night. I was open to trying new things and I thought he was happy. He definetely was the one who always started things. He was great in the bedroom.There were things he would want me to do but I wouldn't. I guess I wasn't as open minded as I thought. This past year suddendly everything changed . He said he was having a midlife crisis and didn't know why he wasn't happy. He blamed all sorts of things on it and finally decided he was unhappy because he felt like I wasn't addressing his needs and wasn't making him feel wanted. It got very ugly . It made me take a honest look at myself and to try to make a consious effort to do the things he wants and to be the one to start things . Hope it helped. Is there any medical condition that would interfere with sex ? Link to post Share on other sites
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