Sparkle75 Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Hi everyone, I'm new to this board and wondered whether anyone could offer any advice on what to do? Apologies if this ends up being a long post... I was introduced to a guy at a party about three weeks ago by a mutual friend who told me that he was single and they thought we would really hit it off (I've been single for a couple of years now by choice, following a series of rather disastrous relationships with quite rubbish men!!). And we really did hit it off. I was instantly attracted to him and we exchanged numbers. He sent me a text the next morning and we've been in contact like this every day ever since, and not just one or two line texts, but long ones, and many of them. And it turns out that we have a lot in common and we seem to get on really well. I have so far found out that he has his children every weekend, he recently lost his job and has had to move back in with his family. He's now working again but long hours. I don't know how long ago it was that he split with the mother of his children. I have suggested speaking on the phone but he has made excuses as to why he couldn't and has never suggested calling at a different time. Red flag! Anyway, he has said that he's not in a great place and very stressed at the moment and so I decided not to put any pressure on. But no progress was made and in the end I asked him why he hadn't wanted to see me and he said that he really did, and that he thought I was lovely, but things were a little manic at the moment. So I asked him if he wanted coffee the following week and he replied and said that he would love to. Then a few days later he text and said that he was free on the evening of that date and why didn't we meet up then instead? So I thought that he was into me and everything was okay. The date was meant to be tonight. I got a message from him last night saying that he was sorry but he wouldn't be able to make it and would have to take a rain check for a couple of weeks until things settled down. I replied and told him that I wasn't willing to be messed around and that he had been sending me mixed messages. He replied and said that he realised that he had and that he was very sorry, and that he was also confused about what was happening but was willing to wait and see but that if I wanted to not talk to him anymore then he would understand. He then said that he liked me and the problem was that he wanted more but he just wasn't ready for it and asked if we could still be friends and carry on texting. Part of me wants to give him a chance to sort things out in his world, and I don't want to lose him from my life altogether, but I honestly don't know whether he was just letting me down gently. I can't understand how someone would spend so much of their time texting someone if there was nothing there at all but I don't want to be taken for a fool. I know it's a bit of a silly question but can anyone shed any light on what this all means and give me some advice on what to do? I really like this guy and don't know whether he's shy, scared, stressed or just really not that into me. Is he asking me to carry on being his friend and wait until things change? Or does he just want me to go away and stop bothering him? Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 What do YOU want? Are you ok just hanging out without a relationship/commitment? Believe what he is telling you now. If you feel like he might change his mind, it's highly unlikely that he will.....especially if you continue to hang out without standing your ground. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Hi everyone, I'm new to this board and wondered whether anyone could offer any advice on what to do? Apologies if this ends up being a long post... I was introduced to a guy at a party about three weeks ago by a mutual friend who told me that he was single and they thought we would really hit it off (I've been single for a couple of years now by choice, following a series of rather disastrous relationships with quite rubbish men!!). And we really did hit it off. I was instantly attracted to him and we exchanged numbers. He sent me a text the next morning and we've been in contact like this every day ever since, and not just one or two line texts, but long ones, and many of them. And it turns out that we have a lot in common and we seem to get on really well. I have so far found out that he has his children every weekend, he recently lost his job and has had to move back in with his family. He's now working again but long hours. I don't know how long ago it was that he split with the mother of his children. I have suggested speaking on the phone but he has made excuses as to why he couldn't and has never suggested calling at a different time. Red flag! Anyway, he has said that he's not in a great place and very stressed at the moment and so I decided not to put any pressure on. But no progress was made and in the end I asked him why he hadn't wanted to see me and he said that he really did, and that he thought I was lovely, but things were a little manic at the moment. So I asked him if he wanted coffee the following week and he replied and said that he would love to. Then a few days later he text and said that he was free on the evening of that date and why didn't we meet up then instead? So I thought that he was into me and everything was okay. The date was meant to be tonight. I got a message from him last night saying that he was sorry but he wouldn't be able to make it and would have to take a rain check for a couple of weeks until things settled down. I replied and told him that I wasn't willing to be messed around and that he had been sending me mixed messages. He replied and said that he realised that he had and that he was very sorry, and that he was also confused about what was happening but was willing to wait and see but that if I wanted to not talk to him anymore then he would understand. He then said that he liked me and the problem was that he wanted more but he just wasn't ready for it and asked if we could still be friends and carry on texting. Part of me wants to give him a chance to sort things out in his world, and I don't want to lose him from my life altogether, but I honestly don't know whether he was just letting me down gently. I can't understand how someone would spend so much of their time texting someone if there was nothing there at all but I don't want to be taken for a fool. I know it's a bit of a silly question but can anyone shed any light on what this all means and give me some advice on what to do? I really like this guy and don't know whether he's shy, scared, stressed or just really not that into me. Is he asking me to carry on being his friend and wait until things change? Or does he just want me to go away and stop bothering him? it could be for any reasons that you have written or a mix of all of them only he knows shy, scared, stressed or just really not that into me. These are the reasons you have written seeing how you have had long texts and many communications communicate again ask him directly.I recently told a guy i liked you would tell me if i make you uncomfortable.....and i hope that he would because i care about that.....honesty allows people to know when they step over the mark.....i would send him a text with an honest question do you want me to leave you alone for a while or do you want to continue our friendship( i would do this myself if i were in your situation)...would you answer honestly if someone asked you that? I am hoping most people would it makes things simple....dont you think? i do......you are only going to get guesses here you actually know more about his honesty than anyone else on here .....bite the bullet and ask him what he would like and then decide if you can continue the friendship if he decides that is what he wants to do....just without pressure...and taking it slow....its then in your court to decide when he does answer.......i have hope for you that whatever happens you are happy with that....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 What do YOU want? Are you ok just hanging out without a relationship/commitment? Believe what he is telling you now. Exactly. All the energy you are putting in to guessing why he is behaving as he is tells me that you will not be content with just hanging about in the hopes that he gets over whatever it is that is making him unable to commit to a coffee... or a real date. When a man tells you he is not ready, believe him. He has no reason to lie about this. Move on with your life. If he contacts you again in the future and you are signle, great. If not, nothing lost. I can practically guarantee that if you hang about it will not end well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sparkle75 Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 Hi Mammasita, thanks for your reply. I honestly don't know at this point in time. Everything was so sweet and flirtatious and we talked quite often about meeting up, but it just never happened, and then when we eventually set a date, he seemed really into the idea but then backed out at the last moment. I know that I can't carry on with things as they are, because it's just become so stressful and disappointing now and I can't work out whether he's just deliberately avoiding me or he really does have too much going on, or isn't in a place where he's ready for it to be any more than it is. I don't want to wait around wondering whether it's ever going to be any different if it's not. Yet he's told me so many times how great he thinks I am, and how I make him laugh, how he would like to see me, yet when it comes down to actually doing it he's making excuses and backing away. If he wasn't interested in the first place then why agree to a date with me? It's just all so confusing. I think I might just back off now. I agreed to being friends with him and he said that he was glad, but I don't think I can go back to us texting each other every day and sharing little pieces of ourselves if it's never going to go anywhere. I just don't see the point. But then I don't want him to think that I don't want to have anything more to do with him Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sparkle75 Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 Hi, and thank you for your relpy. To be honest I think that I am going to just leave it now and get on with my life. He's backed off from me and I don't want to pursue this any more and for my emotions to get any more confused than they already are. If he gets in touch with me then fine, I will ask the question I think. But I realise now that chasing this is going to get me into hot water and I have enough things going on in my own life at the moment to complicate it all with someone who's not in the right frame of mind, no matter how sweet he might be 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 There are men who are shy and perhaps take a little longer to get into something. However, in my experience they pull themselves together and go out for that drink or coffee or whatever. This endless texting and his cancellation won't get you anywhere. I understand your frustration, clearly it's impossible to guess what is going on in his mind, however it is messy, whatever it is. It doesn't matter why he is so all over the place at the moment, this is his style. I'd say cut contact with him completely, I would. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Hi Mammasita, thanks for your reply. I honestly don't know at this point in time. Everything was so sweet and flirtatious and we talked quite often about meeting up, but it just never happened, and then when we eventually set a date, he seemed really into the idea but then backed out at the last moment. I know that I can't carry on with things as they are, because it's just become so stressful and disappointing now and I can't work out whether he's just deliberately avoiding me or he really does have too much going on, or isn't in a place where he's ready for it to be any more than it is. I don't want to wait around wondering whether it's ever going to be any different if it's not. Yet he's told me so many times how great he thinks I am, and how I make him laugh, how he would like to see me, yet when it comes down to actually doing it he's making excuses and backing away. If he wasn't interested in the first place then why agree to a date with me? It's just all so confusing. I think I might just back off now. I agreed to being friends with him and he said that he was glad, but I don't think I can go back to us texting each other every day and sharing little pieces of ourselves if it's never going to go anywhere. I just don't see the point. But then I don't want him to think that I don't want to have anything more to do with him Tell him that then. Tell him exactly how you feel and what you want!! He can't fault you for not wanting to continue sharing intimate details if you lay everything on the table. Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Hi Mammasita, thanks for your reply. I honestly don't know at this point in time. Everything was so sweet and flirtatious and we talked quite often about meeting up, but it just never happened, and then when we eventually set a date, he seemed really into the idea but then backed out at the last moment. I know that I can't carry on with things as they are, because it's just become so stressful and disappointing now and I can't work out whether he's just deliberately avoiding me or he really does have too much going on, or isn't in a place where he's ready for it to be any more than it is. I don't want to wait around wondering whether it's ever going to be any different if it's not. Yet he's told me so many times how great he thinks I am, and how I make him laugh, how he would like to see me, yet when it comes down to actually doing it he's making excuses and backing away. If he wasn't interested in the first place then why agree to a date with me? It's just all so confusing. I think I might just back off now. I agreed to being friends with him and he said that he was glad, but I don't think I can go back to us texting each other every day and sharing little pieces of ourselves if it's never going to go anywhere. I just don't see the point. But then I don't want him to think that I don't want to have anything more to do with him Confused is exactly right. He's confused and it's spilling over to you. He's giving you mixed signals and he knows it. Perhaps he's not over his ex but wants to be, so he initiates a date with you. Later, his feelings of sadness about his ex wash over him and he cancels - he just doesn't have the emotional energy to go through with the date. Still later, he realises you are fun to have as a friend, so he re-initiates contact with you. That's one possible scenario (and one I personally believe to be quite likely). But -- and this is important -- it doesn't matter what the scenario is. He has told you with words AND actions that he is not ready for a relationahip. Heck, he's not ready for a date. So unless you want to get caught up in the undertow of his confusion, back off. Stop analysing why he did this or said that or how he could seem so interested but then back off. I understand that, at some level, you want to believe he is interested and there is a rational explanation for his actions that are not a red flag,but that simply isn't the deal. Step back and stop looking at why he is behaving as he is and start thinking about what you want from a potential suitor. Is he delivering what you need and deserve? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 I recently realized that people who are too busy for you will never make the time because it's not important enough to them. I was simply entertainment and a distraction for the last guy I was getting to know, he didn't make the time either. You shouldn't be willing to settle for someone stringing you along. He sounds like he's putting you on the back burner for a rainy day or something. Move on and find someone who wants to spend time with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sparkle75 Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 Confused is exactly right. He's confused and it's spilling over to you. He's giving you mixed signals and he knows it. Perhaps he's not over his ex but wants to be, so he initiates a date with you. Later, his feelings of sadness about his ex wash over him and he cancels - he just doesn't have the emotional energy to go through with the date. Still later, he realises you are fun to have as a friend, so he re-initiates contact with you. That's one possible scenario (and one I personally believe to be quite likely). But -- and this is important -- it doesn't matter what the scenario is. He has told you with words AND actions that he is not ready for a relationahip. Heck, he's not ready for a date. So unless you want to get caught up in the undertow of his confusion, back off. Stop analysing why he did this or said that or how he could seem so interested but then back off. I understand that, at some level, you want to believe he is interested and there is a rational explanation for his actions that are not a red flag,but that simply isn't the deal. Step back and stop looking at why he is behaving as he is and start thinking about what you want from a potential suitor. Is he delivering what you need and deserve? Thank you so much for this!! It might sound silly but I'd never considered this perspective and it has put a different slant on things. He IS quite clearly confused. It's nothing to do with me. It's him. But I was making it all about me and wondering what I could have done to have made him behave like that blah blah, when in actual fact I was doing something that was quite normal in wanting to take things further. And no I don't want to be strung along while he makes his mind up and sorts things out. So I'm going to back off. If he wants to find me then he knows where I am. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 When a man tells you he is not ready, believe him. He has no reason to lie about this. So true. If he was into, he'd make time for you. He would want some fun in his life to reduce his stress. Link to post Share on other sites
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