Feel like there is no hope left

[somedude81]

I just want to give up.

 

Every way I have tried to meet somebody has failed. I just haven't been able to get the attention of anybody this year.

 

I have no reason to believe that anything will get better.

 

As time passes I'm getting more and more depressed as well as being quicker to anger. The joy I get to feel is so fleeting. But even now the buzz I get of dancing with girls in salsa is starting to fade as I know they would really prefer to be with other guys. I'm nobody to any of them.

 

Why does my life keep going if I'm doomed to be alone?

[Mme. Chaucer]

No irony or facetiousness here:

 

There is ALWAYS hope. Ideally, you will hit a place where there is no alternative for you other than to re-evaluate everything you've been clinging onto. That's when the changes happen.

[mammasita]

If you believe that you're nobody to anyone, then the world will believe it too.

[january2011]

Why does my life keep going if I'm doomed to be alone?

 

Because somewhere deep inside of you, barely visible, there is a flickering light of belief, faith and hope that's holding on in case things do change.

 

Just because you don't have a romantic partner, does not make you alone. Your intense emotional and mental investment in changing your status, seemingly to the exclusion of all else, is probably what's preventing you from lifting your blinkers and allowing the rest of the world in.

[yessy21]

Dude! DONT GIVE UP! trust me dont. i thought the same way... i really really thought that i was going to spend the rest of my life alone. the truth is it can take a long time... Focus on expanding your views and discovering new things about yourself... eventually a beautiful woman will follow.

[Els]

SD, I'm sorry you're feeling down. I know this year hasn't turned out to be what you're hoping for.

 

I really, genuinely don't think you'll spend the rest of your life being alone. My guess is that when you start working full-time, you'll come out of your shell and socialize a little, and you'll meet more compatible women, then the wheels of change will begin to move. There's nothing preventing you from doing so now, but my observation has been that most people who haven't already, start socializing after they go out into the world.

[iris219]

I just want to give up.

 

Every way I have tried to meet somebody has failed.

 

What have you tired?

 

I wasn't aware that you've tried much of anything, other than hoping to stumble upon a young girl at work or school.

[Sun Devil]

I have the exact same feeling. I worry that my height will prevent me from getting girls and there is data that backs this up. I always wanted a girl and that desire only has gotten larger. I am trying to improve myself and socialize more, but all I get is more rejection. I have decided to reject the "gift" of life soon if I cannot find love. I do not want to be single with no family. I would end my life while I still have a family so that at least I don't die alone

[somedude81]

No irony or facetiousness here:

 

There is ALWAYS hope. Ideally, you will hit a place where there is no alternative for you other than to re-evaluate everything you've been clinging onto. That's when the changes happen.

What is that supposed to even mean?

If you believe that you're nobody to anyone, then the world will believe it too.

Uh, no. It doesn't work like that.

 

I'm standing next to a guy. A girl I know walks in the dance class, she walks over to us, gets between me and him and completely ignores me. The other girls in the class don't seem to even know I exist except for when they have to dance with me. They're too busy being around other guys.

 

That's not me believing I'm nobody to anyone. That's the world showing it to me.

Because somewhere deep inside of you, barely visible, there is a flickering light of belief, faith and hope that's holding on in case things do change.

Believe me, that light is getting smaller and smaller. I've been clinging on to the glimmer of hope for years. The point where I see that there is no hope, is coming really quickly.

 

Just because you don't have a romantic partner, does not make you alone. Your intense emotional and mental investment in changing your status, seemingly to the exclusion of all else, is probably what's preventing you from lifting your blinkers and allowing the rest of the world in.

I don't know what you are trying to say.

 

Nobody is trying to be let in.

Dude! DONT GIVE UP! trust me dont. i thought the same way... i really really thought that i was going to spend the rest of my life alone. the truth is it can take a long time... Focus on expanding your views and discovering new things about yourself... eventually a beautiful woman will follow.

I've been trying since I was 13, I'm 31. How long is a long time?

 

If I have to wait till I'm 40, it's just not worth it. The days are too painful to take years of this.

[iris219]

I repeat, you haven't tried anything.

 

Start trying to meet people (rather than hoping compatible women will magically appear in front of you), and then you can complain if this doesn't work.

[somedude81]

I repeat, you haven't tried anything.

 

Start trying to meet people (rather than hoping compatible women will magically appear in front of you), and then you can complain if this doesn't work.

And you don't know anything about what I've tried.

[january2011]

Do you feel better after misdirecting your anger at the posters in this thread?

 

I doubt it.

 

There isn't a right answer to the question in your OP because everyone will frame their responses based on their own experiences and background, which are not necessarily similar to yours. While it has no direct impact on your success in dating, it would be wise to take comfort in the fact that anonymous internet posters feel sympathetic towards you and your plight. And they want to make you feel better by offering you some kind and supportive words.

 

Biting off the hand that is offered to you when you're lying vulnerable on the ground seems to be self-sabotaging and not in your best interest.

[Eve]

.. I don't think the trying part is supposed to be such a burden.. it's kind of like.. life. Some bits are not very nice but other bits are ok. Why is everything such a blow to you?

 

STFU and study what Mme. Chaucer said, until you get it. This pattern of yours needs to be broken.

 

Also, go see your GP, you sound as though you do have an underlying mental health issue. Your thoughts are WAY too rigid mate. Seriously now.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[ThaWholigan]

You need to impose yourself on life a bit more instead of letting it happen to you. Start being a little more aggressive in your progression, embrace your manhood.

 

I still think that your main problem is that you're too fixated on having a GF. I will say it again - please find SOMETHING ELSE to focus on. Your goal in life absolutely cannot be to have a GF - it's making you depressed.

[iris219]

What have you done this month (other than show up for work and attend your classes) to meet women?

 

Wanting something bad enough doesn't mean you'll get.

 

You don't want to hear this because you claim you don't see a correlation (I call BS on that), but if you had a social life you would A. have the opportunity to meet women (women closer to your age. It ain't gonna happen with a 20 year old) and B. be less depressed and feel less hopeless because you'd have things to do and people to do it with, thus taking the focus off finding a GF.

 

Are you in counseling? If not, please consider it.

[somedude81]

Do you feel better after misdirecting your anger at the posters in this thread?

 

I doubt it.

 

There isn't a right answer to the question in your OP because everyone will frame their responses based on their own experiences and background, which are not necessarily similar to yours. While it has no direct impact on your success in dating, it would be wise to take comfort in the fact that anonymous internet posters feel sympathetic towards you and your plight. And they want to make you feel better by offering you some kind and supportive words.

 

Biting off the hand that is offered to you when you're lying vulnerable on the ground seems to be self-sabotaging and not in your best interest.

I will admit that I am extremely angry.

 

Though I would hardly call what I've said "biting off the hand."

 

Mme. Chaucer is on my troll-radar and I take everything she says with a grain of salt. The other person I was cold to was iris219 and that's because she was sitting on her high horse saying "you haven't done anything."

 

Frankly, I don't even know what I want from this thread. I'm just sick of my life. This thread and others like it will be a record.

SD, I'm sorry you're feeling down. I know this year hasn't turned out to be what you're hoping for.

 

I really, genuinely don't think you'll spend the rest of your life being alone. My guess is that when you start working full-time, you'll come out of your shell and socialize a little, and you'll meet more compatible women, then the wheels of change will begin to move. There's nothing preventing you from doing so now, but my observation has been that most people who haven't already, start socializing after they go out into the world.

What is socializing?

 

I'm not sure how it's different from what I'm doing now.

 

BTW, the idea that I'm not meeting compatible women pisses me off so much. I'll just say this, I feel that I have met many women that I am compatible with. They have felt I wasn't compatible with them.

 

(Off the top of my head I can think of 5 girls I know right now that feel I'm compatible with. Though that may change if I got to know them better.)

.. I don't think the trying part is supposed to be such a burden.. it's kind of like.. life. Some bits are not very nice but other bits are ok. Why is everything such a blow to you?

Trying is not the burden. Failing is. Failing over and a over and a over and over.

STFU and study what Mme. Chaucer said, until you get it. This pattern of yours needs to be broken.

The only possible meaning I can get from her post is that I need reevaluate if I even want a relationship or, that I should reevaluate what I want in a girl. In other words, completely lower my standards so that I would start pursing women I have absolutely zero interest in. Frankly I'd rather die alone then be with a girl I'm have absolutely no attraction to.

Also, go see your GP, you sound as though you do have an underlying mental health issue. Your thoughts are WAY too rigid mate. Seriously now.

 

Take care,

Eve x

Why are they rigid? Am I the only person who has ever lived that didn't want to be alone? I wasn't aware I was chasing something abnormal.

You need to impose yourself on life a bit more instead of letting it happen to you. Start being a little more aggressive in your progression, embrace your manhood.

I'm not totally sure what you mean. Can you clarify?

I still think that your main problem is that you're too fixated on having a GF. I will say it again - please find SOMETHING ELSE to focus on. Your goal in life absolutely cannot be to have a GF - it's making you depressed.

There are other things I'm focused on. But getting a GF is the absolute most important thing in my life. I can not imagine life having any meaning if I'm forced to spend the rest of my days alone. Right now, my life feels as if I'm being punished for some horrible sin. Absolutely no one that's sane would want to live a life that has no companionship, affection or intimacy.

What have you done this month (other than show up for work and attend your classes) to meet women?

This month I've tried to be more outgoing and friendly with girls in my classes.

 

I went to a dance social off-campus to try and meet people.

 

I've forced myself to be more outgoing and talk to other guys.

Wanting something bad enough doesn't mean you'll get.

.......

 

You don't want to hear this because you claim you don't see a correlation (I call BS on that), but if you had a social life you would A. have the opportunity to meet women (women closer to your age. It ain't gonna happen with a 20 year old) and B. be less depressed and feel less hopeless because you'd have things to do and people to do it with, thus taking the focus off finding a GF.

I can't just buy a social life.

 

Do you think I rather be alone then have zero friends???

Are you in counseling? If not, please consider it.

Already tried it. Several times for differing lengths of times. Longest was about two years straight. You're looking at the results.

[iris219]

I wasn’t sitting on my high horse or being smug in any way. The reality is that it’s very hard to meet people. I make a lot of effort to be social and to meet new people, and I’m still single. It was even hard when I was young and was a model living in NYC, but I’ve never developed a crappy attitude. If I’m single forever, I will deal with it. I have other things in my life to sustain me. Being single does not define me and it will not destroy me. You’re ready to let it destroy you, and in many ways it already has.

 

There are men on here who cold approach regularly and face rejection after rejection; there are women who’ve done online dating for years with no luck. You are not the only one struggling. I know that you know it’s hard to meet people, but you don’t seem to realize that it’s hard for everyone, yet we’re not giving up. Our lives still have joyful moments.

 

You need to learn how to live your life, I mean really live it so that each day feels meaningful.

 

Please try counseling again. Are you on anti-depressants? If not, do you think you should be?

 

Are you willing to try social activities like Meetup.com? Would you be willing to go to a bar for a drink at happy hour? I've done this by myself before and it's fun; people will talk you.

[Sun Devil]

I am trying to enjoy my hobbies. However, we do need to have relationships, even if they fail. It is better than nothing. Before you say anything about not needing a relationship, look up maslow's hierarchy of needs. Intimate relationships are important for a healthy life. I am trying to expland my social circle, but I just get more guys.

[xxoo]

Why can't you be happy alone?

 

People find happiness and meaning to life outside of relationships. Why can't you?

 

People lose their limbs and find happiness. People lose their vision and find happiness. People lose their children and somehow, someway, manage to find purpose for living.

 

Why can't you?

 

You have a healthy, working body and mind. You have access to safe housing, food, and a good education. You will not be digging ditches for a living for the rest of your life (although even those people manage to find happiness in life).

 

When you find a reason for living outside of having a relationship, you will become a more attractive person.

[El Brujo]

Dude, you just haven't discovered your purpose in life yet.

 

And I speak as a late bloomer.

[xxoo]

If you would focus on making some friends, you'd have some fun in your life. You'd have some distraction, some social connections, and some social practice. You'd be less odd.

 

Make friends with people you don't want to f***.

[Imajerk17]

I can actually empathize with SD here. I don't think he is so much unhappy about still not having a girlfriend so much as he is by that experience of getting blown off by the women in his salsa class. That blow is a lot more personal and hints at a deeper problem than that which can be fixed by just "putting yourself in front of more women" that some of us, including myself, have advised.

 

I'm not sure how easily it can be fixed by "make friends first" advice that everyone on here seems to give SD. That advice doesn't really reflect how things actually happen on the ground. Every time I've made a friend in an activity, there was usually some sort of rapport beforehand that made it natural to become "Facebook friends" and then actually hang out.

 

And as far as the whole "work on yourself" advice that we at LS luuuuvvvv to give, including myself, well, how do you do that. How do you actually learn social skills? (See above paragraph.) Maybe SD could be dressing or carrying himself better, but maybe he is dressing and carrying himself well enough.

 

SD, these are my questions to you:

 

--How good of a dancer are you actually?

 

--What about that girl you talked about a month and a half ago? I know she is married and so not a prospect, but the fact that she found you appealing enough to interact with you that substantially says something about your basic attractiveness.

[Els]

 

What is socializing?

 

The most simple definition is probably meeting new people a lot and making friends.

 

BTW, the idea that I'm not meeting compatible women pisses me off so much. I'll just say this, I feel that I have met many women that I am compatible with. They have felt I wasn't compatible with them.

 

(Off the top of my head I can think of 5 girls I know right now that feel I'm compatible with. Though that may change if I got to know them better.)

 

Well, that's the thing about compatibility, isn't it - BOTH people have to like each other. If one person doesn't, you're not really compatible.

 

I went to a dance social off-campus to try and meet people.

 

I've forced myself to be more outgoing and talk to other guys.

 

Ah, this is new. How did that turn out, why are you so certain it failed? Did they consistently ignore you or anything?

 

I can't just buy a social life.

 

Do you think I rather be alone then have zero friends???

 

Already tried it. Several times for differing lengths of times. Longest was about two years straight. You're looking at the results.

 

I don't think socializing and making friends is easy for some of us, but I'll say this: Even the most introverted and shy people I know have managed to make at least a few, even if they may not be terribly close with them, as long as they stick at it. It doesn't happen instantly - when I moved to a new place, it took me a year to make a solid group, only to have to leave for another city half a year later!! But if you persistently go out and try, surely it's possible for you.

 

For us to help you further, you need to explain what you've tried to do to make friends with other guys and what they did in response.

[Els]

 

I'm not sure how easily it can be fixed by "make friends first" advice that everyone on here seems to give SD. That advice doesn't really reflect how things actually happen on the ground. Every time I've made a friend in an activity, there was usually some sort of rapport beforehand that made it natural to become "Facebook friends" and then actually hang out.

 

Because:

 

1) SD is unhappy about being alone and not having friends contributes to that.

2) Making male friends is a lot easier for most guys than getting a compatible gf, so it makes sense that socializing would start there

3) Having a circle of friends makes it easier to get a gf, in various ways that have been repeated here.

[Imajerk17]

Because:

 

1) SD is unhappy about being alone and not having friends contributes to that.

2) Making male friends is a lot easier for most guys than getting a compatible gf, so it makes sense that socializing would start there

3) Having a circle of friends makes it easier to get a gf, in various ways that have been repeated here.

 

Sure. To an extent I agree with 1). But let's back up a step. How does SD actually go about making friends? As I mentioned before, my experience has been that people tend to like each other in the activity/class first, and then they extend their friendship to beyond the activity or class or what have you. What would you advise to someone who had SD's experience in his salsa class?

 

I actually don't agree with 2). I get these people in SD's class were women and you all for some reason feel that SD should be making guy friends, but I'm not sure how much of a difference there really is in making (well-adjusted) guy versus gal friends. I mean, getting the girls to actually hang out with you is tougher for obvious reasons, but if you can get guys to like you, you can get girls to like you enough to be friendly to you in class. If you're getting slighted a lot there is a need to back up a step.

 

And how does SD go about making guy friends whom he can grow with? The last thing he needs is to hang out with a bunch of other dudes who are frustrated socially and who are terrible with women. They'll just pull each other down like crabs in a bucket.

 

And as for 3), that sounds really nice but it isn't true. I don't really have a circle of friends but I still date (gasp!). Once you get into your 30's, most people don't have this circle of friends that everyone on LS seems to speak about as a necessity to get a girl to like you. BUT I have the social skills to make friends (see my first paragraph). How does SD go about getting these social skills?

 

I'm playing Devil's Advocate here, just so people get that their advice to SD is less helpful than they might think it is.

Edited October 25, 2012 by Imajerk17