gentle_male Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Hi Everyone. This is my first post here. I would appreciate all your opinions about "why" but please, no opinions on what I should do. My current stance is No Contact, moving forward, but I am interested to hear thoughts on what you think could be reasoning because I have no idea. With so many thanks to you all in advance! Here are the details: - I am 32, she is 30. - I proposed to her after 5 solid years together and she said no (with no explanation). That was one year ago and we haven't seen each other since. Over the past couple of months, she started contacting me and we have slowly built up to talking by email, SMS or phone more and more, up to every day this week, recently ending texts with "big kiss", "lots of kisses", etc. Yesterday, she asked to meet so we did and ended up spending five perfect hours together. Every time I went to leave, she would ask me not to and we were laughing always, like nothing had changed between us. It was even hard to separate at the end. She initiated holding my hand (sometimes by accident), cuddling and she accidentally let slip "my love" a few times in conversation. We didn't talk about "us" and didn't have sex but 'almost' kissed (the tension was there but of course we didn't). She asked if I was single and talked a lot about marriage and having children which I was completely open to and said she has been single this entire year. Said she thought of me every day as little things remind her of me (even drinking a coffee - which she now has in my style to remember me!) and it was really an amazing day!! Even a homeless man thought we were a couple and asked her "well why not?" when she said no to him Anyway, an hour after seeing each other, I sent a text (she was at work) asking her for a drink or dinner the next day. She sent an SMS back saying it was the best day of her year but we cannot see each other any more and to please respect her. Months of great contact building up to this and honestly a perfect day. I don't get it, at all. Any thoughts into why this sudden reaction which went completely against everything she has said and done in the past months and yesterday whilst together? If you have any further questions to give you more story, I'm happy to answer. With thanks!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 she's not single, that's my guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Greetings, welcome to LS. Wow! Twice. Whiplash hurts. My guess is buyers remorse. She's wishing for her past but unwilling. Link to post Share on other sites
Pamkiss Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 My guess is, she was looking for validation that you're still very much into her.. and that's what she got.. so her intentions we're satisfied and she's done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
moveONorStay Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 She said she is single too?! That is very confusing behavior. Sorry that she has led you on like this Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Hi Everyone. This is my first post here. I would appreciate all your opinions about "why" but please, no opinions on what I should do. My current stance is No Contact, moving forward, but I am interested to hear thoughts on what you think could be reasoning because I have no idea. With so many thanks to you all in advance! Here are the details: - I am 32, she is 30. - I proposed to her after 5 solid years together and she said no (with no explanation). That was one year ago and we haven't seen each other since. Over the past couple of months, she started contacting me and we have slowly built up to talking by email, SMS or phone more and more, up to every day this week, recently ending texts with "big kiss", "lots of kisses", etc. Yesterday, she asked to meet so we did and ended up spending five perfect hours together. Every time I went to leave, she would ask me not to and we were laughing always, like nothing had changed between us. It was even hard to separate at the end. She initiated holding my hand (sometimes by accident), cuddling and she accidentally let slip "my love" a few times in conversation. We didn't talk about "us" and didn't have sex but 'almost' kissed (the tension was there but of course we didn't). She asked if I was single and talked a lot about marriage and having children which I was completely open to and said she has been single this entire year. Said she thought of me every day as little things remind her of me (even drinking a coffee - which she now has in my style to remember me!) and it was really an amazing day!! Even a homeless man thought we were a couple and asked her "well why not?" when she said no to him Anyway, an hour after seeing each other, I sent a text (she was at work) asking her for a drink or dinner the next day. She sent an SMS back saying it was the best day of her year but we cannot see each other any more and to please respect her. Months of great contact building up to this and honestly a perfect day. I don't get it, at all. Any thoughts into why this sudden reaction which went completely against everything she has said and done in the past months and yesterday whilst together? If you have any further questions to give you more story, I'm happy to answer. With thanks!!!!!!! She has commitment issues in my opinion after five solid years together the writing is plain to see.she said no...you are incompatible....she doesnt want to get married and you do........my ex i sin(lol.....freudian slip) a relationship now that he hasnt made a commitment to either .......it has been over five years for them now chances are he wont commit to her either.......i pushed for him to marry me so could have my values we split because he was having an affair.... your ex isnt ready to commit...she misses you but not enough to commit to you.......she isnt right for you....i spent fifteen plus years in a relationship that eventually ended because of incompatibility and irreconcilable differences including faith.....so if i were you, find some who is compatible with your beliefs in marriage and commitment and this wont happen to you again...find someone you can fall in love who makes you happy to spend time with who you can get to know and know it will be where you want to be in life and where you want to go in life....go for the permanent relationship not the part time which you dont want anyway...dont lower your beliefs or values to fit soemone...wotn work.....even if it does last because you try so freaking hard...it will end...in hurt for you....good luck best wishes have hope for a brighter more loving future .....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Stanza Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 She's extremely confused and likely to look back and realize she lost the love of her life if she doesn't sort this out! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gentle_male Posted October 25, 2012 Author Share Posted October 25, 2012 Dear flitzanu, Balzac, Pamkiss, moveONorStay, todreaminblue & Stanza, Thank you so very much for your thoughts. I want you to know that I really appreciate them. You didn't have to reply but you took the time, so, thank you. Here are some observations from your comments - She is and has been definitely single this entire time in terms of a relationship. We have close friends in common and I would know straight away, if otherwise. Also this entire time, she still has our photos together as her profile pics on Facebook, which I don't think she'd want another "boyfriend" to see! hahaha. - Certainly, whiplash hurts, A LOT! I'm in a huge amount of emotional pain, sure, too much to express in words. But, I'm still alive and life continues (easier said than done!! ) - Yes, she said she was single too (and said she has been for the past year since the split, that she has become like a Nun. That she hasn't been able to concentrate in her life for the past year). - Even though I'm 32 (and I hope that younger members on this board can learn something from my story, being a little older), I don't understand the possibility of these commitment issues. She brought up so many times when we met about wanting to get married and having a family, showing me a hundred photos of her newborn niece to me. Given she is 30, wants children and is traditional (wants to be married first), it doesn't give her much time to a) date a new person, engage them, marry them, fall pregnant! She wants 5 kids I said she would be the perfect mother and she said first she had to find a husband (knock knock! he's been standing in front of you for the last 6 years! ) - The thing is, we are 100% compatible. She said this when we met. Not the word "compatible" but that every part of our lives are aligned. We love the same things, are in the same career field, our families got along so well our parents went on holidays together without us, and other things I'm not going to mention on this wall! - I do have a question. If she isn't ready to commit (at 30), why a) did she ask me to propose to her 2 months before we split? b) why did she stay single for an entire year since we split? The thing I don't understand is that she was the one pushing marriage (she even told my mother that she had found the exact wedding dress) and found a house for us and the church to get married in. I the past year, I've been on many dates, but, nothing of interest for me. I'm 32, I am ready to be married and have a family! After seeing her the other day, I fell back in love instantly. Crap! haha. Maybe she did too and is now confused as hell? Anyway, really again, thank you so much for your time. To those who have replied, you are very generous people and I want to let you know that I really appreciate it. I know how precious your time is. With many thanks!!! Enjoy your day! Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 devil's advocate...you don't have some HUGE dark secret or something that she's afraid of, i'm assuming? something that would cause her to run away screaming and never want to be with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gentle_male Posted October 25, 2012 Author Share Posted October 25, 2012 flitzanu!!!! Haha no, but I wish I did! It would give me a reason to understand!! heavy day today. Blocked our mutual friends who are in contact with her on Facebook today. Sad, but I need it. She still has more than a hundred "couple" photos of us on her and our friends' Facebook accounts, she hasn't untagged any of them either. I untagged my name months ago. Urgh! Haha. Link to post Share on other sites
5050whothewhat Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 flitzanu!!!! Haha no, but I wish I did! It would give me a reason to understand!! heavy day today. Blocked our mutual friends who are in contact with her on Facebook today. Sad, but I need it. She still has more than a hundred "couple" photos of us on her and our friends' Facebook accounts, she hasn't untagged any of them either. I untagged my name months ago. Urgh! Haha. My situation isn't anything like your except the Facebook photos. like you, I deleted all the photos of my ex and I from my page. She still has very intimate photos of us together. She doesn't have a ton a photos to begin with and recently added some photos so I know she knows the photos of us are still there. Maybe like my ex, your ex just sees the photos with you two as just good memories and that is it. It may just be an attachment issue. Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 She sounds all talk and no action. What's with all the leading you on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gentle_male Posted October 26, 2012 Author Share Posted October 26, 2012 Here is an update for those who are interested: I haven't heard from her over the past two days, however, this morning, she called me and asked for some time to think about what we talked about and the sudden connection which happened between us the other day. That she loves me but that her mind is full of confusion and anxiousness and can I please give her some time and space to think. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated on perhaps opinions of what might be going through her mind if you have experienced this before. Of course, I am not going to contact her at all. I told her this and also that she knows how to contact me if she wants but that from now, I must cut the rope between us. Thank you 5050whothewhat and Sugarkane, certainly it is strange with the photos, if I were in her position and 'wanted' another boyfriend, I wouldn't be parading around these photos of me with my long-term ex I wish I knew what was with the leading on. We are not young any more! Link to post Share on other sites
hearttopieces Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) Hi gentle male, Probably this is not what you want to hear, but I fully agree with the poster who said she has commitment issues. She is completely unavailable emotionally, otherwise she would have married you full stop. The problem with these "damaged" people is that they do exactly what she does, She brought up so many times when we met about wanting to get married and having a family, showing me a hundred photos of her newborn niece to me. Given she is 30, wants children and is traditional (wants to be married first), it doesn't give her much time to a) date a new person, engage them, marry them, fall pregnant! She wants 5 kids I said she would be the perfect mother and she said first she had to find a husband (knock knock! he's been standing in front of you for the last 6 years! ) She believes that this is what she wants, but in reality she is so far from all the things she says, just think about it. And yes, this is all about what she wants, and it is validation. She just wants to know that you are there, it is comforting and she likes it, as long as you do not want something more serious. I do have a question. If she isn't ready to commit (at 30), why a) did she ask me to propose to her 2 months before we split? b) why did she stay single for an entire year since we split? The thing I don't understand is that she was the one pushing marriage (she even told my mother that she had found the exact wedding dress) and found a house for us and the church to get married in. a) She asked because she wanted to know how far would you go and if you would do it. People with commitment issues are extremely selfish, they just want to take take take. Maybe she believed/convinced herself that she wants to get married, but once again, how far is the reality from the talking? Yeah she had everything planned... Except she was never serious about the whole thing. Not as in she did this on purpose, no. More like, she wanted to do it, deep down inside she knew she wouldn't, she tried (note all the talking), but eventually failed... Typical! b) Because she did not find another person who gave her the same kind of attention maybe? People with commitment issues LOVE attention, love making plans and make you believe in a future together... They LOVE doing this, as long as the other person does not want to turn the stories into reality! Because then the fun is over! I am really sorry for being harsh, and I wish and hope that maybe this is not the case, however I have spent so many years with a person who had commitment issues, and trust me it takes time to realize that the problem is in her, and you need to find someone else who will love and admire you. Please try to think about this rationally. If she had done so much planning, and wanted to marry you.... Why didn't she? Give me one good answer. please, no opinions on what I should do So you have already decided that you will give her a second chance, no matter what? Once again I am really sorry to say this. It hurts like hell, I know, to feel so rejected by a person, who wants to know that we want them, but does not want us back that much. Edited October 28, 2012 by hearttopieces Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 Pamkiss is right. It was nothing but getting validation and an ego stroke. It's the same story we have heard so many times. The dumper reaches out to see if the dumpee is still one the leash. Once they get confirmation that they are, they are gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 Here is an update for those who are interested: I haven't heard from her over the past two days, however, this morning, she called me and asked for some time to think about what we talked about and the sudden connection which happened between us the other day. That she loves me but that her mind is full of confusion and anxiousness and can I please give her some time and space to think. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated on perhaps opinions of what might be going through her mind if you have experienced this before. You don't see each other for a year. You meet up and have a great time for 5 hours. Now she needs space and time???? What was a year with N/C? Someone saying they are "confused" is a code word for "I am really not that into you and don't want a relationship with you". She doesn't love you. She is a psycho. Dump her and never look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gentle_male Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 Thank you hearttopieces and Frank13 for your thoughts! hearttopieces, I found it fascinating to read what you have written. When you say "unavailable emotionally" and "damaged people", I'd really like to hear more about what this means to you. Does this become more about her in this case for you? As in, even if another man came along, the same thing could happen? How do these people get to be like this in your mind? If this is the case, I can expect to hear from her again somewhere down the track? and in your mind, not necessarily with me, but these people with commitment issues, do they ever get past them? I did get another SMS yesterday which read, "I love you. I don't know what to say...", but I didn't reply of course. Regarding a second chance should it ever come, at this moment, no. I cannot say for the future, no one can, but for now, I am too hurt to ignore it and automatically give her a second chance, no matter what. Not that one has been offered by her. Frank13, it's strange that it would be an ego stroke 12 months after last seeing her. That's a REALLY long time apart for one of these I did tell her before we stopped talking the other day, that I had to cut the cord now and she said please don't, it's not what she wants. I asked what she did want then if she doesn't want to be friends or doesn't want to be together and she said she didn't know, she is confused now after how our rapport was upon seeing each other again, it was like we were still together. I said she could have all the time in the world meaning, forever in silence. But, Frank13, in what you say, if after 12 months apart, why would you bother to lead someone on like she did if you were over them, and why say "confused"? Why not just cut the contact or say yes, let's be friends? Maybe she is really psycho! Very sad though, I never saw that side of her in the 7 years I've known her. But, there is nothing to dump! We are not together haha Anyway, hope you are all having good days!!!!! A beautiful day here! You are all amazing people and I appreciate you all so much!!! I want you to know that Link to post Share on other sites
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