paranoid about bf's exgirlfriend

[daydreaming]

I have been together w/ my boyfriend for a month now. I know that's not a very long time, but anyway.

I've known him for about 4 years, and he had been dating a girl for nearly 100% of the whole time. I didn't get to see him too often cos she was really jealous, but when we had the chance, we always got along brilliantly.

We didn't quite manage to keep in touch when he moved to another town last summer, but through a mere coincidence I met him again in February. We didn't want the contact to rip off again, so we exchanged icq numbers.

From then on we were often talking online, general stuff at first, but soon he would ask me for advice on his relationship. I was always of the opinion that his girlfriend wasn't good for him, cos she treated him like **** and well, I never liked her - she's arrogant and dumb.

 

Still, I wanted him to be happy and never said a word against her, although he knew I didn't like her.

Anyway, at the end of May we went to see a movie together, and somehow we ended up holding hands as soon as the lights went off. After that, I went to Munich for a week with some friends, but I couldn't stop thinking about him. Which seemed to be the same with him, but I only found out when I came home - my e-mail account was full of e-mails from him. We went out again only one day later, and we kissed and held hands again. I knew that I had fallen head over heals for this guy, but I still felt bad bcs of HER - they were still together, after all.

During the next days we talked even more, he said that he was really confused bcs of me, that he liked me a lot and in a way had a huge crush on me, but that he didn't know whether he wanted to give up a 4-year relationship on the basis of some emotional chaos.

 

You can imagine how happy I was when he told me that he had finally made up his mind and talked to his girlfriend. I must say that she was really fair about the whole thing (although, if she had reacted differently after what she has done to him in the course of their relationship, we should be worrying about the state of her mind...), she said she still wanted to be friends with him.

 

I know I have to accept that (although it's hard, cos she really has been a HUGE bitch), but since it's official that I am his girlfriend now she behaves all weird. Somehow she is trying to be his best friend now and wants to know about our sex life (!!!), then she asks him how her boobs look in her new top (!!!!!) and, most recently, she tells him to kiss her. Which he didn't do, luckily, but - who knows how convincing she can be when she wants something?

 

Right now he is at her house and I'm wating bolt upright next to the telephone and my cell for the case he calls me. I mean, I know it's completely bollocks, he already said to me that he'd rather jump off a cliff than go back to her, but still... she has turned him into a complete emotinal wreck bcs of all the **** she did to him, and I have to cope with that now, so who does she think she is?

Please please help me, I know I'm completely off the shelf when it comes to that... I don't want to lose him!

Thx in advance.

[uriel]

You're in a tough situation. He cheated on his ex with you and now you're worried he'll cheat on you with his ex. Yes, his ex was a total b****. You were his sounding board. But, he had a deep emotional and sexual connection with her -- one that lasted nearly 4 years. Guys always say their current girls are b****** when they're not getting along. Different story when they are.

 

Bottom line: There's no way for you to be certain he won't cheat on you with her. He might. It's an old story -- all too common. She obviously wants him back -- at least long enough to prove your not better than her if not permanently. That's what her behavior has shown you. If he were wise, he'd stop hanging around with her, realizing how easily he could get sucked back in and lose you. But, he's not that wise. He still feels something for her and he doesn't want to entirely give her up. Face that much at least.

 

The good news is, he's let her know who he's with. He's made your relationship official. So, what more can you do? You just have to keep believing in him and hoping he won't do anything with her. Don't pressure him too much about it. Nagging and fretting and making him the center of your everything are just going to push him into her arms. Stay positive, keep your own interests, and have a good time with him. Show him why you're the one he wants to be with.

 

Expect him to expect her to be respectful of you and keep the line between him and her clear. When she flirts with him, he should tell her to cut it out -- call her on it. It's his job, too, to keep himself out of compromising situations with her (hanging out alone with her at her house). If he's letting the boundary get blurry, then you do need to have a talk.

 

-- uriel

[Martyn]

There is only one advice I can give you:

Talk to him about it, just talk talk talk!

I know it won´t be easy, since you might feel bad for being jealous at his ex, but you don´t have to, these are your feelings and you can´t and shouldn´t change them.

I´d also suggest you talk to him as soon as possible, simply because

a) your relationship is quite fresh, this means he will prolly do ANYTHING for you (Sounds harsh, but that´s the way it is)

b) If they really wanna stay friends, they first have to evolve some kind of friendship, you cannot simply turn from a relationship to friendship from one day to the next. As long as there ain´t a real friendship between them, it will be quite easy to talk him out of it. Once they are good friends, it will be much harder for both of you (For you to talk him out of it, for him to quit a real friendship)

 

You say he has been through deep **** during his last relationship, so I guess he might understand your feelings about it, cuz you don´t like his ex and esp. can´t understand why he wants to stay friends with such a person.

 

Anyway, I hope you will be able to talk to him, even if it´s not easy, cuz I am convinced that there are soooo many failing relationships just because there isn´t enough talk about things that hurt the partner until it is too late.

 

Plz let me (or rather all of us) know if you´ve been able to talk to him and how he reacted

[Martyn]

Oh, one important thing I forgot:

 

Don´t push him, i.e. don´t tell him you want him to do ANYTHING, just tell him how you feel about it and let him decide what´s best for both of you. If that decision doesn´t satisfy you, you can still ask him to quit meeting her or whatever