why do married people continue affairs when they choose to stay married?

[Pierre]

How exhausting it must be to constantly need to find ways to satisfy a black hole ego.

What a lovely poetic phrase!

 

Nothing escapes a black hole. Not even a ray of light. Best metaphor ever!

[Pierre]

I have wondered the exact same thing. I don't get it either, especially when no kids are involved and it's clear that the marriage isn't working (i.e. serial affairs).

 

For those folks there is no marriage in the universe that works. This is not about the quality of marriage.

[MissBee]

I have wondered the exact same thing. I don't get it either, especially when no kids are involved and it's clear that the marriage isn't working (i.e. serial affairs).

 

I'll add that often it's not the marriage that isn't working...but them!

 

My dad is a serial cheater. At no point has he ever wanted a divorce or articulated that the M wasn't working. When my mom says she is leaving he acts distraught and carries on and he even initiated counseling, saying he knows he has a problem.

 

He didn't stick with it though and I'm sure this addiction will resurface. If he and my mom divorced and he remarried, he'd still do the same thing, as it's not about one person not being enough, needs not being met, marriage not working etc. It is completely his own compulsive need to do this, for his own broken reasons and it would suit some OW and BS's too to realize when this is the case versus internalize the blame for this person's behavior or believe you have some magical power to be enough so they won't do it.

 

My dad will be sorry now and be on his best behavior and as soon as things calm down....he needs a new fix. I feel quite badly for him, as it just speaks to a never ending chasm and hole that cannot be filled and I also feel bad for his OW who think they are his messiah in vaginal form, who will somehow change him and he will be better for them...then he's not...he goes back to his M, rinse and repeat. It's all very sad, for ALL parties.

[Mount]

Artie, that is my MM said exactly. He is 18 y/o elder than me.

 

Also I notice here mostly OWs appear to be addicted to MM, and now it seems that my MM is addicted to me as well, or at least I feel like...

 

Any theory behind that?

 

i totally agree with woinlove's first post.

 

it might also be that these people are trying to recapture some of their "youth" through an affair... something that was lost in the monotony of matrimony.

 

an affair might make them feel young and vibrant again.

 

at least, that's what i think.

[Pierre]

Artie, that is my MM said exactly. He is 18 y/o elder than me.

 

Also I notice here mostly OWs appear to be addicted to MM, and now it seems that my MM is addicted to me as well, or at least I feel like...

 

Any theory behind that?

 

It is rather simple.

 

If your happiness depends on external factors you become addicted to whoever provides those needs. Folks that are intrinsically happy usually don't have affairs because they are happy on their own.

 

How many times have you heard OW say I give what the wife does not give at home. And the cheating MM says the same thing. It is all about being addicted. It is rather easy to become addicted because on their own they are miserable.

 

But, as you know addicted folks are unreliable. Drug addicts may steal money from their grandma to get their fix. And cheating men may throw OW under the bus if they have too. And they betray the wife and kids at home if they have too.

 

Many OWs are also addicts; that is why they put up with the degradation and abuse of the MM. That is why they betray their own principles.

[Mount]

Very well said Pierre. And yes I have not ended my A yet, it has been 5 months now. I consider myself being a person with very high intergrity BEFORE the A happened. Even MM said that one of the factors he likes about me is that I am very disciplined.

 

The truth is - now I am in the A, I am NOT HAPPY. Not totally because the MM not leaving wife yet...etc etc, I am NOT HAPPY is because it is not a right thing to do. Am I right?

 

It is rather simple.

 

If your happiness depends on external factors you become addicted to whoever provides those needs. Folks that are intrinsically happy usually don't have affairs because they are happy on their own.

 

How many times have you heard OW say I give what the wife does not give at home. And the cheating MM says the same thing. It is all about being addicted. It is rather easy to become addicted because on their own they are miserable.

 

But, as you know addicted folks are unreliable. Drug addicts may steal money from their grandma to get their fix. And cheating men may throw OW under the bus if they have too. And they betray the wife and kids at home if they have too.

 

Many OWs are also addicts; that is why they put up with the degradation and abuse of the MM. That is why they betray their own principles.

Edited October 25, 2012 by Mount

[Furious]

Unmet needs...some people's need will never be met, if they think the needs must be met by someone other than themselves.

 

It a lose lose situation if your identity depends on the validation of others.

Edited October 25, 2012 by Furious

[Artie Lang]

Any theory behind that?

 

love the sickie emoticon.

 

 

i honestly don't know, Mount.

 

it's my experience that we all want that youthful and vibrant feeling again at some point. this is how some people go about attaining it, i guess.

 

 

The truth is - now I am in the A, I am NOT HAPPY. Not totally because the MM not leaving wife yet...etc etc, I am NOT HAPPY is because it is not a right thing to do. Am I right?

 

i don't think anyone has to tell you what's right from wrong for you. you're a smart girl..... figure it out.

Edited October 25, 2012 by Artie Lang

[carhill]

"But what I can't understand is the married people who are obviously choosing to stay married but also remain totally involved with the other people, either being cross with them for not wanting to continue an affair or keeping contacting and chasing them."

 

Their happiness/contentment/completion is fulfilled from without as opposed to within, IMO. The 'cross'-ness comes from someone making a choice which interferes with that process, frustrating their (MP) investment, and the contact/chase comes from the "Cheer's effect", with the MP knowing that retaining a current customer is far easier, as well as more familiar and comfortable, than soliciting a new one. I give a slight advantage to women because it is generally easier for them to solicit new potentials or gather 'orbiters' using sex, as men nearly universally respond positively to sex without any other qualifiers. Otherwise, pretty much equal opportunity.

[Pierre]

The truth is - now I am in the A, I am NOT HAPPY. Not totally because the MM not leaving wife yet...etc etc, I am NOT HAPPY is because it is not a right thing to do. Am I right?

 

Many folks in affairs are in la la land which is part of the package of being in love big time.

 

You are not in la la land. You seem to recognize the issues.

 

However, love can make people do stupid things.

[Mount]

Sadly even though I still have clear sense, I have not able to be get out yet.... I am so weak :mad:

 

Many folks in affairs are in la la land which is part of the package of being in love big time.

 

You are not in la la land. You seem to recognize the issues.

 

However, love can make people do stupid things.

[skywriter]

Sadly even though I still have clear sense, I have not able to be get out yet.... I am so weak :mad:

 

 

There will be something that tips you towards there being an end to your A.

 

Nobody can say what that something will be, but, you will know it when it happens.

[frozensprouts]

( my answer may seem snarky, and I apologize but it's cold out and it's making me grouchy)

 

a married person stays who keeps right on going even after they have committed to their marriage doe so for a very simple reason...because they can. They make the choice to lie to their spouse ( and it's no longer a lie of omission) an a very active way, and their affair partner lets them come back...

 

they may make it all seem like sunshine and roses ( we "love" each other) whole thing stinks more than a skunk cabbage...with that kind of love, who needs hate?

[Pierre]

One thing, that I don't think has been mentioned is the mp has a ow/om who enables them to do so. Take that element out and there is no continuing the affair.

 

Sad that so many ow/om feel so weak and that they are powerless to say no.

 

It's took me many years to finally get it, but real love does not inflict that kind of hurt on you, nor would the person who claims to love you.

 

 

A person that is honest and intrinsically happy cannot imagine or conceive an affair. This type of honest person is easily fooled by a clever cheating spouse.

 

OTOH, a married philanderer is always looking for signs of cheating in the spouse. There is no one more jealous and suspicious than a philandering person.

 

An honest intrinsically happy person may be willing to forgive because in the end the affair is almost always about the cheater.

[veryhappy]

Speaking of my experience. No dday, but divorce was discussed, they magically reconciled in MC.

 

There are two types of reasons:

 

1) they don't care (enough) about the OW; he knew how feeling second messed me up, and I've explained for hours and hours how I cannot cope with an affair anymore and have to end it; that has no weight to him; he came around complaining that I can live without him, while he's struggling the most (poor victim who got to choose what he wanted to do)

 

2) Well, they miss what they were getting out of it. It was fun, it was feeding their ego, it made them feel on top of the world. The W, especially if there was a dday will unlikely treat them like they are made of gold. There's a lot of work for a M that has its already known cap on how good it can be based on history. That's deflating. If the OW agrees to continue, they can perpetuate that feeling of being on top of be world. Never mind the ego boost of having two women.

 

It's not out of love for the OW or that they can't live without her.

 

Edit to add that they also obviously don't respect the M enough. All reasons can be summarized as selfish, self-absorbed behavior.

Edited October 25, 2012 by cutedragon

[Decorative]

A person that is honest and intrinsically happy cannot imagine or conceive an affair. This type of honest person is easily fooled by a clever cheating spouse.

 

OTOH, a married philanderer is always looking for signs of cheating in the spouse. There is no one more jealous and suspicious than a philandering person.

 

An honest intrinsically happy person may be willing to forgive because in the end the affair is almost always about the cheater.

 

This is true. During IC after my spouse's affair- both professionals said my internal happiness "factory" setting was "sunshine", which influenced how the affair went undetected, and what happened after discovery, as well as why I have never been tempted or even truly understood my husband's choices.

[East7]

1. Because the WS are often still addicted to the AP.

2. Because the AP lets them come back.

 

Selfishness, opportunism, addiction are the main reasons. They do it just because they can.

[hurted]

I'll add that often it's not the marriage that isn't working...but them!

 

My dad is a serial cheater. At no point has he ever wanted a divorce or articulated that the M wasn't working. When my mom says she is leaving he acts distraught and carries on and he even initiated counseling, saying he knows he has a problem.

 

He didn't stick with it though and I'm sure this addiction will resurface. If he and my mom divorced and he remarried, he'd still do the same thing, as it's not about one person not being enough, needs not being met, marriage not working etc. It is completely his own compulsive need to do this, for his own broken reasons and it would suit some OW and BS's too to realize when this is the case versus internalize the blame for this person's behavior or believe you have some magical power to be enough so they won't do it.

 

My dad will be sorry now and be on his best behavior and as soon as things calm down....he needs a new fix. I feel quite badly for him, as it just speaks to a never ending chasm and hole that cannot be filled and I also feel bad for his OW who think they are his messiah in vaginal form, who will somehow change him and he will be better for them...then he's not...he goes back to his M, rinse and repeat. It's all very sad, for ALL parties.

Hate to admit, my fMM was exactly like your dad and I was stupid enough to be his OW for 4 years. When this whole thing got revealed, they( his family and friends) say he has an addiciton, either sex addiction or alcoholism and sent him to counseling.

 

However I dont believe this kind of excuses at all! Addiction problems, somehow sounds like an escape for these notorious relationship criminals that they just take take take from every women they can, then turn around and pretend they have some kind of illness so they can get away with it???!!!!

 

My fmm had his counselling a year ago but after that he would still try to contact here and there. I dont see how this counselling has been doing good for him, now that i dont talk to him he is onto other girls already. As a matter of fact, that was his getaway from embrassment from family and friends that he was a seriel cheater, paying for sex while still married and had an OW!!!

 

I m just outrage whenever i think about this, MM always get the best of the whole world and even sheltered from his action with a lame made-up illness, as soon as he gets out of that counselling he is off to the next who** house!! While the wives, OWs are hurt and coping with exreme pains, Yet still get harrased by them once in a while!!!!

 

So not fair!!!!

[couldhavebeen]

I think alot of these answers portray all mm only in the worst light possible.

 

Human nature has more complexity than that.

 

Sometimes they are in love with AP and want to be with them and are convincing themselves they will be leaving their marriage soon. On the other side they have a marriage with a long history and have kids and they have a lot of guilt and conflicted emotions about destroying that nuclear family.

 

So, the next question will probably be why dont they stay away from AP until they figure out marriage. Its simple. The answer is Pain.

 

Its painful to leave the AP and lose that relationship as alot of times many of the MM's needs are met in that relationship. I think many MM think they can stay with AP while they decide on marriage and if the spouse knows AP is still in the picture then it will be pure hell, and the MM is not ready to leave AP so they keep both. Not saying its right. Its a recipe for everybody being in pain. Just saying thats the human nature part.

i think that's what it is and it's the same with the OW/OM...

I myself have choices but still dumb to stay with MM even if it's already pure hell for me.

I'm losing myself in this relationship slowly. Just glad I'm still alive though...