Suffering from emotional blackmail.

[LovesickAlberta]

I have been in a relationship with a person for two years now. It started off fine, and I started living with her about 3 months later in an apartment. Within six months, I regretted it. I knew she was very clingy, but did not become aware of her tendancy for violence and history of mental illness.

 

In 2011, I had to call 911 four times, as she had the habit of swallowing pills, ans saying things like if I left the relationship, she would kill herself. Finally a year ago, I finally grew tired of this behaviour, and drove her to the airport, and said it would be better if she returned to her family back home. She cried and promised to change, and began seeing a counsellor, however after two sessions, she decided that she did not need it.

 

I have had to endure her throwing things at me, destruction of property (two computers, broken window, etc), not letting me leave the apartment (throwing herself at the door, and threatening to scream if I tried to leave), and almost being evicted from one apartment after she refused to listen to me to not yell after 10:00PM (since others are sleeping).

 

I would have obviously left except for one big problem. She has access to my daughter's email account, and her mother's facebook and email. She has repeatedly made threats that if I ever leave, she will directly contact my daughter, or by facebook through her mother, and harass her, and tell her what a "lousy person" I am.

 

My ex has custody of my daughter who is turning 10, and we did have some custody issues. However, we have agreed to work things out, and things are going much better now in terms of visitation and custody issues. However, the current girl I am living with could jeopardize this.

 

I feel trapped. I have no idea what kind of a sick person threatens to harass a 9 year old girl, especially telling her bad things about her biological father. I have no love for this person, since she started making the threats in the spring. I've made a decision to leave.

 

My question is can I get a peace bond/restraining order against her? Even though she has never technically been arrested, the Police have shown up due to the suicide attempts, and a couple of times due to noise complaints because of her screaming at night. I don't care what she does to me, as long as she does not contact my daughter. Please help with any advice.

Edited October 25, 2012 by LovesickAlberta

[Emilia]

It started off fine, and I started living with her about 3 months later in an apartment.

 

I knew she was very clingy, but did not become aware of her tendancy for violence and history of mental illness.

 

In 2011, I had to call 911 four times, as she had the habit of swallowing pills, ans saying things like if I left the relationship, she would kill herself.

 

began seeing a counsellor, however after two sessions, she decided that she did not need it.

 

I have had to endure her throwing things at me, destruction of property (two computers, broken window, etc), not letting me leave the apartment (throwing herself at the door, and threatening to scream if I tried to leave), and almost being evicted from one apartment after she refused to listen to me to not yell after 10:00PM (since others are sleeping).

 

She has repeatedly made threats that if I ever leave, she will directly contact my daughter, or by facebook through her mother, and harass her, and tell her what a "lousy person" I am.

 

I feel trapped. I have no idea what kind of a sick person threatens to harass a 9 year old girl, especially telling her bad things about her biological father. I have no love for this person, since she started making the threats in the spring. I've made a decision to leave.

 

My question is can I get a peace bond/restraining order against her? Even though she has never technically been arrested, the Police have shown up due to the suicide attempts, and a couple of times due to noise complaints because of her screaming at night. I don't care what she does to me, as long as she does not contact my daughter. Please help with any advice.

 

First of all, your girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder

 

Secondly, is there an advice centre for something like this where you are? In the UK we have 'Citizen's Advice Bureau' who gives free advice on things like this.

 

Edit: I think it's difficult to give you advice here on what is or isn't possible in your country. If you are in the US/Canada, there are quite few people here from NA so you are probably in luck but otherwise getting legal advice would be done best locally I'd say.

Edited October 25, 2012 by Emilia

[carhill]

I'm pretty sure the contact methods shared in the OP can be blocked/changed/mitigated. Further, your ex probably already has her opinion of you and, in general, such opinions are rarely glowing positive ones, so hearing you're a 'lousy person' won't materially influence her if she's typical of the women I've known in life.

 

IMO, deal with any materialized actions on threats when they materialize and do what you need to do in the here and now to retain personal health. With decisive action, the current girlfriend will soon latch on to another host, if she hasn't already, and your status will go from demon to nothing. That's how such people generally operate.

 

It only matters if you let it matter. Care less and move on. Good luck. Welcome to LS

[CopingGal]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. It sounds like this woman has traits of Borderline personality disorder. Google the disorder and read about it. It may give you some insight.

 

Another thing, call a suicide hotline and get some advice. Don't stay with her because she threatens to kill herself. She is responsible for herself, not you. You have to make decisions that will benefit you, but of course, you don't want to cause her harm.

 

You need help and you need it fast. IF you can see a therapist face to face in the next few days, even better.

 

Get some info so you can leave with less damage towards her. Notify your family of the threats she's made.

 

She's sick, dear. Seriously, she's sick. She needs help.

[River Rain]

I would have obviously left except for one big problem. She has access to my daughter's email account, and her mother's facebook and email. She has repeatedly made threats that if I ever leave, she will directly contact my daughter, or by facebook through her mother, and harass her, and tell her what a "lousy person" I am.

 

Firstly, have your daughter's email account changed. I don't do fb, but there must be some kind of blocking control. If you make your mother aware of her, I don't think it'll be such an issue.

 

Then go see a lawyer who will counsel you on your options.

[LovesickAlberta]

First of all, your girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder

 

I was reading up on BPD today, and I am convinced this is what she has. I could be wrong, but it seemed to fit her to a tee.

 

Regardless, I finally gave her word that I wanted to break up with her. Besides her crying, and yelling at me for 4 hours in the middle of the night (I was afraid the other tenants would phone the cops because of the noise), she has since calmed down and wanted to work things out. This is simply not going to happen.

 

I wish her well, and hopes she gets help for her issues. She asked me if she did, could we try again to make the relationship work. I told her she had to do it for herself, and not to please me. Besides, she had said the exact same thing nearly a year ago. So she is currently staying at a friends, since she said she could not handle the situation, which is probably a good thing for her.

 

I just hope we part ways like mature adults. I have not really given her a final answer when she asks if we could get back together, but I will eventually break it to her, that it's not going to happen. For the first time in a year, I feel safe in my apartment, and do not dread the fights, yelling, forcible confinement, threats, etc.

[CopingGal]

Your girlfriend is lucky in the sense that borderline personality disorder is actually one of the personality disorders that can be really helped. It's a long road. Specialized cognitive behavioral therapy geared specially for BPD is very helpful.

 

This woman wrote the textbook I used for one of my psychology classes. She is VERY knowledgeable in BPD. I would have your gf contact her to see if she can recommend someone in her area.

 

Marsha M. Linehan

[LovesickAlberta]

The most logical solution to your problem would be to push her over the edge and get her to actually off herself.

 

Problem solved, not just for you but for the rest of mankind.

 

I do not wish death upon anyone, let alone someone who is suffering from mental health problems.

[Emilia]

I just hope we part ways like mature adults. I have not really given her a final answer when she asks if we could get back together, but I will eventually break it to her, that it's not going to happen. For the first time in a year, I feel safe in my apartment, and do not dread the fights, yelling, forcible confinement, threats, etc.

 

That won't happen, guaranteed. The good news is that she will cut you off for good (look up 'splitting')

[LovesickAlberta]

UPDATE:

 

I moved out February 1. She went ballistic, and the Police were called as she was screaming, and refused to move from the door (she took my bags, and was lying on top of them).

 

The Police came, and she said that I punched her in the face. Luckily, she had a few run-ins before for overdosing on pills, and mentally unstable behavior. Not to mention there was no sign of injury (i'm 6'2/205, with Martial arts and boxing experience). When the Police finally told her to go into another room, and allowed me to leave, she started screaming that I stole her toothpaste and brush, and to search my bags and arrest me.

 

I looked at the officer, and said "I don't recall taking her toothbrush, but you can check for it if you want." The officer just shook his head, and said "Don't worry about it. I know what is really going on here. So they threatened to arrest her for false accusations or disturbing the peace?

 

Anyway, I left and never came back.