Samson Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I'm not so foolish as to think I can sleep with someone for a amount of time and not become attached. And that amount of time would be longer than: A. One second? B. One minute? C. One hour? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Somewhere inside my head is a little equasion that thinks sleeping with people will make them like me MORE Thing is, it will have the opposite effect. They will only like you not for your heart, but for putting out. It's because you are offering them something. If you told them no, then they would go onto the next. Why would they care for you, when they don't even care about the ones they are suppose to be with? Maybe you like the competition, maybe you like the thrill of it all. Not sure what your childhood was like, that could be a factor. Perhaps you know it'll never work out in the end and you like feeling the pity, or need to have that hurt done to you. Maybe your scared of a commitment, but like the feeling of being 'wanted' so you go this route. This guy is only using you, he is telling you things that you want to hear. Good players are known for that. They are looked at not being a player. THEY are the one in the crowd of all the other players are have been hurt by their mate, their spouse, etc.. It's their heart that needs your attention. Don't fall for it. The real good players have this down pretty good. You are relying on others for your own happiness, and this happiness will not be a sustaining one. You need to be happy within' yourself before you pursue any relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by littleflowerpot okay, if i may ask: are you in love with the mm you are now seeing? Am I in love? I'm not even sure. Definetly I've had time to develop a limited friendship with this person-I LIKE him, I think he's hilarious, and I'm very much attracted to him. These factors could very well develop into something intense if I'm not careful. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Spock! Come on, honey Just quit talking to him, or you're gonna end up hurt again There's this married guy that I'd boink if he wanted to, and I wasn't in LOVE with my husband. Sometimes...there are just some people that are irresistable. I don't know what to tell you Out of one bad situation, and in to another. You're supposed to LEARN from your mistakes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 My childhood rocked, I'm extremely happy I had such a great start in life. The thing is I'm not being "played" in that sense. Honestly? I know this will drive you nuts (and I'm sorry, because you're cranky ) but I'm not feeling a lot of regret about the whole situation at the moment. I would be EXTREMELY remorseful if this ever got out and hurt his SO or his children but I am not remorseful about the physical part. I've surpassed the point of right or wrong here-I identify most with Oliva's statement. The last long, serious relationship I had was with an ex MM. I don't really COUNT him as married, because we spent 4+ years together before I pulled the plug. He left his wife for me-after 3 months of friendship and 2 weeks of romantic relations-perhaps I'm trying to recapture that. It was intense. He used to throw it back in my face when we fought "I left my home for you" but he wouldn't have left his marriage if he hadn't wanted out. Which he did. Maybe that give you a little more background on my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Am I in love? I'm not even sure. Definetly I've had time to develop a limited friendship with this person-I LIKE him, I think he's hilarious, and I'm very much attracted to him. These factors could very well develop into something intense if I'm not careful. does it bother you that he has a wife and children? i know people fall in love (and i'm not saying it is right or wrong for people to have extramarital affairs if they fall in love) but how can you feel okay with it when you don't even love him? for me, it would seem so cold to sleep with another woman's husband when i didn't even love him. again, not judging but simply talking about how i would or wouldn't be able to deal with that kind of situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Spock! Come on, honey Just quit talking to him, or you're gonna end up hurt again Spock knows how the play the game. She seems to be enjoying it a bit, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 But see Monday I'm fairly unrepentant about the whole thing . I try not to advertise that as I don't want cyber crosses burning on my cyber lawn here at loveshack. And I'm not an evil person. Sure, when I was hurting I said I wished that I had never done it. But I did, and at least now I know about him, and if I hadn't further on down the road would I have been tempted? When I was in a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Olivia_19742004 Spock knows how the play the game. She seems to be enjoying it a bit, too. See now I don't play "games" I don't put forth what isn't there-I'm completely forthright and honest. I told this one I don't like lying, flat out. Maybe I should change my avatar.....it certainly LOOKS kind of evil. Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock But see Monday I'm fairly unrepentant about the whole thing . I try not to advertise that as I don't want cyber crosses burning on my cyber lawn here at loveshack. And I'm not an evil person. Sure, when I was hurting I said I wished that I had never done it. But I did, and at least now I know about him, and if I hadn't further on down the road would I have been tempted? When I was in a relationship? but i do not understand how you could not feel some reservations and some pangs of guilt. i know you are not an evil person but that doesn't mean you aren't doing something that has the potential to hurt others (his children). it is difficult for me to understand how you can justify this relationship when it is only based on having a good time. all affairs have a high chance of being discovered at some time and most certainly it will hurt someone. how can you be okay with that? if you both fell in love, well, that would color it differently. then it is a matter of the heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 See now I don't play "games" I don't put forth what isn't there-I'm completely forthright and honest. I told this one I don't like lying, flat out. So you don't lie but you don't mind being with someone that lies in order to be with you? So you're not playing the game but you're certainly cheering on the sidelines. You may not be putting forth what isn't there but you're still a player in the game. The point I was making was that you know how this works. You know how things turn out. You know what you're getting yourself into so by saying that you'll get hurt is just telling you what you already know. You already know the score before the game is even over. Unless this time you really do find that one guy that will sacrifice it all just to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Yes, and you're absolutely right in that repsect Oliva. I do know what I'm getting into. And you put things into perspective for me today-maybe I AM looking for someone who would sacrifice everything for me. I've had it once before. I do know what I'm doing-but there is a part of me that dissaproves. I suppose thats what I would call a dichotomy? I'm also curious as to why I don't feel as repentant as I probably should. I'm certainly not a bad person, I don't torture small animals and I don't derive pleasure from causing others pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by littleflowerpot but i do not understand how you could not feel some reservations and some pangs of guilt. i know you are not an evil person but that doesn't mean you aren't doing something that has the potential to hurt others (his children). it is difficult for me to understand how you can justify this relationship when it is only based on having a good time. all affairs have a high chance of being discovered at some time and most certainly it will hurt someone. how can you be okay with that? if you both fell in love, well, that would color it differently. then it is a matter of the heart. I am sorry I can't explain it better littleflowerpot-I DO have some anxeity over it. I'll see what happens this week when I see him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I do know what I'm doing-but there is a part of me that dissaproves. I suppose thats what I would call a dichotomy? I'm also curious as to why I don't feel as repentant as I probably should. I'm certainly not a bad person, I don't torture small animals and I don't derive pleasure from causing others pain. Read enough threads on this board and even the most compassionate of us will begin to be a little aloof in some instances. Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock I am sorry I can't explain it better littleflowerpot-I DO have some anxeity over it. I'll see what happens this week when I see him again. okay, if you are a good person (and i think you are) and you don't love this guy and you know there is a high probability of hurting someone and you don't want to hurt anyone, what's to stop you from just ending it with him right now? wouldn't that make you feel even better about yourself? if there is no love, what is the reason you don't give it up if you know it probably will hurt someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 I suppose I'm not ready to stop it because A.It's fun and B.I'm not quite ready to stop it...... Also maybe because part of me thinks that if I DO stop it, I could be missing out on the love of my life. Who knows? It did happen before, so methinks I may have been conditioned to it. Before it went sour, my ex was the love of my life. Now I'm just thankful we didn't get married or have children. But there were existential influences that had nothing to do with his marital status beforehand that caused the relationship to fail. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Besides, who can afford therapy? Many people can afford therapy and I for one think you should look into it. Therapists are in the business of helping people. Many therapists have sliding scales which allow you to pay only as much as you can afford. Many employers provide insurance which will pay for insurance after a deductible. Spock, you sound so emotionally distant... Sounds like you'll have trouble developing a healthy relationship. Is sex the most important part of your relationships? Maybe I should change my avatar.....it certainly LOOKS kind of evil. Ha ha! It DOES look evil. Maybe you should change it to something like littleflowerpot's and people will be nicer to you! Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 is there at least the possibility that because you don't love this guy, you have no danger of being hurt if it ends? that is what i meant by fear of emotional intimacy. some of us avoid it at all costs because sometimes the pain can be so great when we lose someone we love. and although we might avoid the possibility of love, we still need human companionship. if this is the case for you, is that healthy? is that really what you want forever? doesn't the possibility that his wife and children might get hurt change your views on whether this is something you should be a part of? Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock I suppose I'm not ready to stop it because A.It's fun and B.I'm not quite ready to stop it...... Also maybe because part of me thinks that if I DO stop it, I could be missing out on the love of my life. Who knows? It did happen before, so methinks I may have been conditioned to it. Before it went sour, my ex was the love of my life. Now I'm just thankful we didn't get married or have children. But there were existential influences that had nothing to do with his marital status beforehand that caused the relationship to fail. but because something is fun is no reason to potentially cause so much hurt for other people. Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by HoldOn Many people can afford therapy and I for one think you should look into it. Therapists are in the business of helping people. Many therapists have sliding scales which allow you to pay only as much as you can afford. Many employers provide insurance which will pay for insurance after a deductible. Spock, you sound so emotionally distant... Sounds like you'll have trouble developing a healthy relationship. Is sex the most important part of your relationships? i agree about therapy. and i went through a period of extreme financial difficulty but i knew i needed therapy or i was going to deteriorate mentally and emotionally. i had to make a lot of phone calls but i found a program that helped me (sliding scale). believe me, i paid an extremely small fraction of the real costs. if you are interested, you can pick up your phone book and call your county's mental health services as a place to start. and i agree spock sounds emotionally distant and she may just miss out on the love of her life if she doesn't see that this sort of relationship is damaging to her. spock, you say you think you just might miss out on the love of your life if you end this relationship but have you considered you may never connect with the love of your life if you continue with this guy because when that true love comes along you were too busy playing and having fun with this other guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 And thus the main problem with my situation littleflowerpot. How bad DO I feel for this? If I don't feel that bad, why not? I may sound emotionally distant but in person I'm not. Anyone who could hear me ranting when I first found this forum could at least recognize my hurt. I don't think I need therapy. I'm not sure if that falls under "denial" but I'm pretty in tune with reality, and I'm not destructive. I certainly don't like being rejected, or hurt-I am certainly going to handle this MUCH differently than I did the last time. There is no unf*cking. I would feel AWFUL for his SO and children. But I would completely deny it. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by littleflowerpot spock, you say you think you just might miss out on the love of your life if you end this relationship but have you considered you may never connect with the love of your life if you continue with this guy because when that true love comes along you were too busy playing and having fun with this other guy? You've got it! Personally the love of my life wouldn't leave his wife for the other woman, or even actually HAVE another woman in the first place. It is not too much to ask. Spock, there is some single, handsome, amazing man out there. But how can he show his face when you are all consumed in forbidden, loveless relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by littleflowerpot i agree about therapy. and i went through a period of extreme financial difficulty but i knew i needed therapy or i was going to deteriorate mentally and emotionally. i had to make a lot of phone calls but i found a program that helped me (sliding scale). believe me, i paid an extremely small fraction of the real costs. if you are interested, you can pick up your phone book and call your county's mental health services as a place to start. and i agree spock sounds emotionally distant and she may just miss out on the love of her life if she doesn't see that this sort of relationship is damaging to her. spock, you say you think you just might miss out on the love of your life if you end this relationship but have you considered you may never connect with the love of your life if you continue with this guy because when that true love comes along you were too busy playing and having fun with this other guy? No, I'm not worried about that, missing out-I'm keeping my eyes open......someone define "emotionally distant" for me please. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by HoldOn You've got it! Personally the love of my life wouldn't leave his wife for the other woman, or even actually HAVE another woman in the first place. It is not too much to ask. Spock, there is some single, handsome, amazing man out there. But how can he show his face when you are all consumed in forbidden, loveless relationships. I'm still looking for the single, attractive man that makes it click in my headspace... Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Maybe you haven't found your equal and in order to "entertain" yourself you're creating challenges to stimulate you. You seem way too cerebral to me to actually find fulfillment in these type of relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts