falling out of love?

[kspade29]

I have trouble showing my wife emotion and it's driving us apart. I have never been a very emotional person and she is. When we were dating I had to work very hard to show emotion and what she calls "passion". The only thing I can relate that to is how people in soap operas act. To me it seems ridiculous that I have to show her everyday that I love her.

 

Things are getting progressively worse, now when she cries I just stare blankly. I love her, but I feel that maybe I am not in love with her anymore. She is my best friend still, but maybe just that. What breaks my heart is that I am causing her so much pain. Is it worth me trying to change for her, failing and making things worse? Or is it better to just cut our losses here and move on and still be best friends?

 

Oh yeah, in case you couldn't guess I have a very cold, un-emotional job that rewards rational thinking versus emotional thinking and I am a work-a-holic. Not good, huh?

[moimeme]

Get yourself Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. Go read <URL removed>

 

And maybe go see a therapist. Life is about people and love, not jobs and money. Your inability to be emotional is likely long-standing but isn't irreparable - that is, if you care to repair it.

[supermom]

I agree with moimeme about seeing a therapist. If you do love your wife and still consider her your best friend it would be worth it to try.

 

Do you still tell her "I love you"? I remember feeling the same despair when my ex told me "I love you but not in love with you" I remember giving my all into that marriage and it still did not work out. We remained friends and still are even though we both are remarried (and happier) and have children, but I do remember the despair.

 

Talk to your wife about going to a therapist, and I'm sure she will want to go. Communication is a really big "glue" in a marriage.

 

Are you more cold to her than not? Do you pick on her?

 

To me it seems ridiculous that I have to show her everyday that I love her.

 

Women need that, as so do men. My husband and I make sure we at least tell each other "I love you" daily.

 

I'm kinda like you...I really don't show too much emotion and my husband is the opposite. I started noticing that it was bothering him. I have told him he smothers me, but I have also realized that is partly because I didn't show him the "passion" that he needed, so I started making a point to let him know that I appreciate him, like he went grocery shopping for me and did a really good job, and I told him how much it meant to me and I could tell it made him feel good.

 

 

 

Things are getting progressively worse, now when she cries I just stare blankly.

 

To me, that hurts worse than if you just walked away. She is crying because she is hurt, and probably really wants to hear you say "honey I love you" but you arent, you're just staring with nothing to say.....ouch

 

 

What breaks my heart is that I am causing her so much pain. Is it worth me trying to change for her, failing and making things worse? Or is it better to just cut our losses here and move on and still be best friends?

 

IMHO if you leave, break her heart even worse, because she (like I) will feel that you just didn't want to try, I don't think "best friends" will happen like you picture.

 

Also if she is your best friend, she is worth it. She is worth you giving YOUR ALL in your marriage.

 

If your job is partly the reason, wouldn't you pick your wife over your job anyway?

 

I hope this helps. I feel for you but I also feel for your wife, because this has been done to me....once upon a time.

 

Good luck and keep us posted

[heidi]

How can it be hard to be nice to someone that you love? I am honestly curious. I don't feel sorry for you, I feel sorry for your wife. If you don't love her anymore, but she's your best friend then you need to go to therapy if only to let her feel like you care at all. I think that it's terrible that you can't even go through the motions of trying to be compassionate and understanding. It would save her a lot of heartache if you would just talk to her. Don't try to tell her what she wants to hear, but just talk to her. The worst thing that I can imagine is being in so much pain and my husband just staring at me blankly. It seems to me that you have some major emotional problems and I suggest that you admit this to yourself and your wife and seek therapy. If you're unwilling even to do that then I think that you should break it off with her. Give her a chance to repair her life and hopefully meet someone who thinks that she is worth the effort of kindness and love. Everyone deserves to be happy and it sounds like you are crushing her.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by kspade29

Is it worth me trying to change for her, failing and making things worse? Or is it better to just cut our losses here and move on and still be best friends?

 

Do you really think your wife will want to be best friends with you after the way you have treated her in your marriage? I know I would not want to best friends, or really friends at all, with someone who stares blankly when I'm crying.

 

Think about what you are saying and doing. What is it that you want out of a marriage?

 

If you really do care about your wife, I think you have no choice but to try and change for her. But if you go into it thinking you will fail, then I doubt you will have much success. Take some time to sit down and think about what you want out of this one life you have been given. Do you want to end your life surrounded by a family that loves you, or alone with your bank account? Remember the story of Scrooge in the Christmas Carol, your situation reminds me of that.

[Moose]

To me it seems ridiculous that I have to show her everyday that I love her.

 

My wife is exactley the same way. Or at least was. Take moi's advice and get the book, "The five love languages".

My wife was raised in a home were public display of affection was considered a huge no no. Even her parents didn't kiss in front of the children. Where my family always gave hugs and kisses whenever we see or leave each other. My wife thought we were some kinda freaks.....it was quite comical the day she saw me and my brother shake hands then hug each other tight with a slap on the back. She though it was some kind of Custom German Greeting. Maybe your job or the way you were raised prevents you from showing her affection, but, once you realize how very important it really is to her, to her very survival, you'll understand more.

 

As far the rest of your post. Being in a job like yours, and being a work-a-holic, is a double whammy. Is it possible for you to survive without working so much? She apparently needs more time with you, and from what I gather, this may give you the perfect chance to re-discover what made you fall in love in the first place.

 

Yes, you should get that book and try to change for her. Even with the chance of failure. When my wife took a chance like that, she's found that now she's uncomfortable when she's not holding my hand, and can hardly sleep unless we are, "Spooning".

 

Good luck to you and your wife!!

Moose

[Roses in Bloom]

My husband left long ago. In many ways we both did. Years ago. He got to the point of looking blankly at me for months on end. Silent, silent. This went on for years. When I suggensted a nite out, dinner, bought some item, dressed nicely, planned an evening or occasion, cleaned the place spiffy or some attempt to do an event; AN Y THING, he rolled his eyes and never responded. When I would ignore that type of treatment,I would attempt again at some other, hoping for a better time, frame, of mind. Once when we did go to some show, his 'friends' show up. That was fun. When I inquired why this particular woman [openly] repeatedly looking behind her as we sat, he got downright physically violent w/me. There were other..incidents. tHEn procedes to tell me he would call the cops, IN MY OWN home. This one was the turning point for me. Forever. He was a mind f---. I could go on. He insisted on screaming at high noon, [before this was frightening to me, well the consequences behind closed doors, now it is funnier than hell!] when the CORRECT statements or gawd forbide ASK a question that remotely parallels the opposite sex. Like get face to face and spit and scream... Do I miss him. Crazy?

 

But, aside from that jaw breaker, I deal with the fact he has moved on, and even tho he completely BROKe my heart,[we were in love at one time] I finally reach the realization of his "I don't love YOU" anymore. Now, I was torn up and hurt so badly. I knew of nothing but His 'love' pathetic I know. I thought I was going to die.

 

After a few awkward and hideous attempts {again and again, i.e. dress nicely, again suggest, coyly I'll admit, to something,] I finally relented and the rejections and I let it go. We have moved on from this state of affairs basically because he physically thru me out! Sic, yeah? Any way after some time, he suggested and offered support. We have slowly resolving our differences. And of course, with due respect, we both have grown, and I feel, civil to another. In retrospect, he has been actively supportive and I'll admit patient with my necessities, as I have progressively respect his. It is working out well, and continues to smooth out with time, I may say. I am very comfortable, and find him and our situation workable if not constructive for the very issues that were once killing me, us, and if continued, one of us would cease to remain. Well not literally, but damn near.

 

Now, If I must I address ANYthing w/him [ahem] neighborly/friend attitude directly, quickly. No blah blah. I am done with the BS. I don't hold out anymore, because after years of his intent, and leave me to consistently find blame, I quit. And it WAS unbearable process for me. I withdrew and emotionally shut down. It has been the most difficult to rebuild what was totally broken down despite the living comfort of his support.

 

I fell instantly for him, and our love grew quickly and deeply in the beginning. And up to his ending us. Now I see the past, a clear picture as regrettable. His actions my reaction. Unfortunately, and sadly to me, he was the MAN, the best lover, the MOST desirable man I ever ever laid eyes on. And when I recall the better times, I still see, and feel, total recall...the love in my heart and soul.

 

I will be sincere and admit because of our past there remain for me strong feelings, but am content for the moment. As I refuse to ever put myself in his control of belittling or making me feel useless again. Now I believe we reached a level of understanding on my part, both an agreement to live by. Yet, w/o reviving the past, honestly, for all 'his' issues of what I am/was to him I can assure you the opposite. I never thought it would ever be possible to find myself secure, since the beginning of our time together. Life has become structured with hope and desires for happiness and dreams. Just goes to show his 'issues' had nothing to do with me. Just not having me tell him what to do, so he could and without me! Ah, ok, got that. And until he can adjust his wants or desires of what is best to address, I can and have readjusted mine. If this arrangement is workable, great, if not, I suggest a time and place for whoever; willing, except this requires the two persons involved.

 

Life is a trial but not one-sided dictating the wrongs, and making the other totally right. I believe he has what he wants. I am finding mine again. His reality towards me have created a non-efforted awakening that I found undesireable thru his decisions and I losing touch of reality with him. Sitting at the top of the heap. Sorry, But I am not trying to paint a dismal picture. But can some one please tell me HOW I can change THAT? He can. He'll do just fine, I assure you.

 

 

If this challenges him to dislike me further, I'm sure nothing will stop him to find blame w/me again and again. I have heard it ALL before, but sometimes and this is miniscule, miracles do happen they say. There have been major changes. Painful ones. Whew! Lonely and alot of tears, ~ alone. I just don't believe in selfrighteousness at the cost of others. Not when you are married anyway. Oh, did I forget that? Nor do I owe anyone more than I can afford of myself. Seems fair.

 

With the last episodes of ''the' life and time of Brian" {i.e.showcase,} I have had no choice but to. Now, I am catching the wave. And enjoying it. Of course, I do wish the same for him, and I AM comfortable with his choices. Really. I hope he begins to believe that.

 

And, lo and behold, no blame or other indicators of verbal crisis from the so-called evil, lying b----/-, loser, stupid idiot or when cried, out, how ugly you are. Isn't that a shame, good lord! I was told THE CAUSE! Well enough of the poor me game. It isn't that bad, but when it hit, The hurri cane, Kat couldn't touch that!

 

I can not continue to listen to The boss. It is nice to go home now. And getting brighter, happier, and worth it, all...Keep your head up, count your blessings, I do. Also, the man that I spoke of?

Is the very ONE who made it all possible. Imagine that. That is Love.

 

Anyway. Always.

 

Have a great evening folks.