How to stay NC, obstacles and ways to overcome

[hurted]

First of I want to thank all of you who read my other post with my personal OW story and helped me to clear my mind. It feels good finally find a place where you can speak about it and when others dont look at you like you are a complete freak.

 

I am starting this thread for all the OWs and OMs who desperately want to get out of the As and get our feet back onto the ground. I hope this thread would be a place for all of us to stick to our plan and get the necessary pushes from others whenever we are weak and miserable.

 

I suggest whoever is interested to join this help group please list outthe following and lets help each other to get the solutions right for each of us:

 

what are the main obstacles that keeping you from NC:

1. is it you or the MM/MW that drag you back

2. what are the emotion obstacles/ pity thoughts/fears

3. how to overcome them ( maybe you dont have solutions yet but i m sure others would happy to help:))

 

 

I ll start with mine here:

 

I got involved with a MM since i was 25, in the constant false hopes he gave me that he is going to divorce and be with me, It went on 4 years then i finally kicked his ass out of my life in a very very hard way(if you read my post you would know). After that I quit my job, moved out of the country just to stay away from him.

 

I was pretty good NCed for almost a year until this June, i didnt know what got into me, I replied him out of blue after his constant emails/msg from skype and even met with him. Seriously i still dont understand why i did that.

 

Then the leash went on and off, another round of emotional rollercoaster. Until I finally saw his whatsapp display pic changed to a girl in swimming suit, humiliated and devastated are not enough to describe how i felt, but sharp enough to shot my heart and wakes me up AGAIn:

 

1. is it you or the MM/MW that drag you back

 

IT is my fMM keeps dragging me back for his own benefit that whenever he feels lonely, bored and sexless, I guess thats when he misses me the most. And i was darn stupid to fall for his crap over and over again.

 

2. what are the emotion obstacles/ pity thoughts/fears

 

a) the worst feeling among the most is that i feel worthless, he made me feel worthless, especially found out he was cheating on me with other call girs/wh*res and maybe even OWs, i started to seriously doubt myself.All the self-confidence I had when he told me i am beautiful, sexy, smart colapsed all in once, as i am sure he says the same to all others. I am completely uterly defeated and depleted with all my passion for life and love, i even thought of susicide sometimes.

b) is a strong sense of humiliation. Something you loved and cherished and believe it was one and only turned out all was just an imagination sleep walking in my of my most beautiful years. You not only cannot have it but also it is a complete lie. "YOU GOT PLAYED STUPID!" like a sizzling hot grill stamped onto my face.

c) a sense of confusion. That you dont understand how could what we had wasnt real, he must loved me as I loved him. I need to find out i need to confront him i need to understand what went wrong etc.....And whenever you do go to him looking for a decent explanation you always fall back to that fire.

d) a sense of lost. Not counting all the emtional scars, it is my 5 years of youth he took away from me and i will never be able to get back.

e) a sense of unfairness and hearbroken angry! I dont understand what did i do wrong in my past life that i deserve this punishment and humilation, while he is still out there having the best of all worlds and even dare to come back to hurt me over and over again. why he is not punished? even having bad things happen to his job or his personal life?! I just dont think it is fair.

f) FEAR. Fear that I can never love another person again, even if i can, maybe i'll always unconciously compare this person to him. I am scared to even live in the country where we met and I see and think about him every time i go back there. Fear that the emotional scars he left on me are never going to disappear that I can never have the passion and heart to love another one like i did with him.

g) a sense of hope. This is the most poisonous thought of all. You sometimes read his emails and guess maybe he is changed and he really want to be with you this time? He maybe really realize how important you are to him and ready to make it all happen for you?!

 

 

3. how to overcome them ( maybe you dont have solutions yet so leave it out i m sure others would happy to help:))

 

I dont have the perfect solutions yet after all, this is my second attemp going into NC and determined to keep him out of my life forever. I guess this should be your first step: be determinded.

 

second, be hard on yourself. No pain no gain. Cliche but 100% true. Falling back is because that is the easy comfortable route but it throws you into the fire. Things only change when you make a move when you counting days away from him even you cried your all way thru it.

 

Third is to think only BAD things he did to you that once really hurt your feelings and burnt your heart. For me i think about the picture he put on and feeling like i am eating worms but somehow keeps me away having any imagination with him.

 

Lets do this, Lets get our life back!

[firstandlast]

First of I want to thank all of you who read my other post with my personal OW story and helped me to clear my mind. It feels good finally find a place where you can speak about it and when others dont look at you like you are a complete freak.

 

I am starting this thread for all the OWs and OMs who desperately want to get out of the As and get our feet back onto the ground. I hope this thread would be a place for all of us to stick to our plan and get the necessary pushes from others whenever we are weak and miserable.

 

I suggest whoever is interested to join this help group please list outthe following and lets help each other to get the solutions right for each of us:

 

what are the main obstacles that keeping you from NC:

1. is it you or the MM/MW that drag you back

2. what are the emotion obstacles/ pity thoughts/fears

3. how to overcome them ( maybe you dont have solutions yet but i m sure others would happy to help:))

 

 

I ll start with mine here:

 

I got involved with a MM since i was 25, in the constant false hopes he gave me that he is going to divorce and be with me, It went on 4 years then i finally kicked his ass out of my life in a very very hard way(if you read my post you would know). After that I quit my job, moved out of the country just to stay away from him.

 

I was pretty good NCed for almost a year until this June, i didnt know what got into me, I replied him out of blue after his constant emails/msg from skype and even met with him. Seriously i still dont understand why i did that.

 

Then the leash went on and off, another round of emotional rollercoaster. Until I finally saw his whatsapp display pic changed to a girl in swimming suit, humiliated and devastated are not enough to describe how i felt, but sharp enough to shot my heart and wakes me up AGAIn:

 

1. is it you or the MM/MW that drag you back

 

IT is my fMM keeps dragging me back for his own benefit that whenever he feels lonely, bored and sexless, I guess thats when he misses me the most. And i was darn stupid to fall for his crap over and over again.

 

2. what are the emotion obstacles/ pity thoughts/fears

 

a) the worst feeling among the most is that i feel worthless, he made me feel worthless, especially found out he was cheating on me with other call girs/wh*res and maybe even OWs, i started to seriously doubt myself.All the self-confidence I had when he told me i am beautiful, sexy, smart colapsed all in once, as i am sure he says the same to all others. I am completely uterly defeated and depleted with all my passion for life and love, i even thought of susicide sometimes.

b) is a strong sense of humiliation. Something you loved and cherished and believe it was one and only turned out all was just an imagination sleep walking in my of my most beautiful years. You not only cannot have it but also it is a complete lie. "YOU GOT PLAYED STUPID!" like a sizzling hot grill stamped onto my face.

c) a sense of confusion. That you dont understand how could what we had wasnt real, he must loved me as I loved him. I need to find out i need to confront him i need to understand what went wrong etc.....And whenever you do go to him looking for a decent explanation you always fall back to that fire.

d) a sense of lost. Not counting all the emtional scars, it is my 5 years of youth he took away from me and i will never be able to get back.

e) a sense of unfairness and hearbroken angry! I dont understand what did i do wrong in my past life that i deserve this punishment and humilation, while he is still out there having the best of all worlds and even dare to come back to hurt me over and over again. why he is not punished? even having bad things happen to his job or his personal life?! I just dont think it is fair.

f) FEAR. Fear that I can never love another person again, even if i can, maybe i'll always unconciously compare this person to him. I am scared to even live in the country where we met and I see and think about him every time i go back there. Fear that the emotional scars he left on me are never going to disappear that I can never have the passion and heart to love another one like i did with him.

g) a sense of hope. This is the most poisonous thought of all. You sometimes read his emails and guess maybe he is changed and he really want to be with you this time? He maybe really realize how important you are to him and ready to make it all happen for you?!

 

 

3. how to overcome them ( maybe you dont have solutions yet so leave it out i m sure others would happy to help:))

 

I dont have the perfect solutions yet after all, this is my second attemp going into NC and determined to keep him out of my life forever. I guess this should be your first step: be determinded.

 

second, be hard on yourself. No pain no gain. Cliche but 100% true. Falling back is because that is the easy comfortable route but it throws you into the fire. Things only change when you make a move when you counting days away from him even you cried your all way thru it.

 

Third is to think only BAD things he did to you that once really hurt your feelings and burnt your heart. For me i think about the picture he put on and feeling like i am eating worms but somehow keeps me away having any imagination with him.

 

Lets do this, Lets get our life back!

 

Great post. I think you nailed a lot of the big reasons we give into the OP's attempts to reconnect.

[hurted]

Great idea hurted. I hope you and others going through it can find solace, peace and healing in the thread.

 

I removed from all that pain now, but I can be empathetic and I'm sorry you are in so much pain. You can come out on the other side of it.

 

One thing.........that kept me from going back is my dignity, I was not going to let him hurt and humiliate me anymore. Enough was enough!

Thank you LadyGrey. How long did it take for you to completely get out? and Have you ever replased?

[couldhavebeen]

I am awed with your post. thanks! yeah, let's do this...

 

Time will surely heal all our wounds but i think it's within ourselves that we have to dig deep in order to get over any relapse in trying to get out of the A.

 

For me, I can no longer blame my MM why I can't resist him whenever he wants us to get back together... Don't have that much support from friend coz they are not aware if the Affair.

 

2nd, my dignity outside is still intact but my immorality is tainted that I can't even face myself sometimes whenever I think of all that I've done.

 

3rd, if he uses me, then I believe I'm using him too. I've always wanted to have a kid with him... we just can't find the right timing before. I guess, I need to let go this dream with him all in all.

 

4th, Fear of God's ultimate punishment is what's been keeping me from contacting him now and the so called karma... I hope this is more effective this time coz begore I thought if loving is great why would I be forsaken from loving him and my thoughts were... I AM JUST A NORMAL HUMAN BEING STRUCKED BY LOVE for the first time..

 

5th, Got to find myself and maybe confessed my dilemna to one of my friends so someone can just pull me out if I'm not myself whenever he's around...

 

6th, to read stuffs in this site everyday to remind myself that I'm not alone in this race to claiming FREEDOM, PEACE OF MIND and finally SELF RESPECT again.

[SunsetRed]

Thanks, what pulls me back into MM mode is just plain lonliness. oh and trying to date other single guys. I have yet to find a single guy that makes me feel the way he made me feel. I miss him and part of me thinks that this would have worked out...he would not have gone back to his wife if only I'd been a better gf. So, I want to contact him and prove I can be a better gf and then the cycle starts.

 

I finally realized I'd had enough and needed to do NC or be on meds or in counseling for the rest of my life. So..I let him go. It's still hard. There are times now when I'm dying to send him a little nonchalont email, but then I stop myself.

 

In the end, I was just someone who helped him get his rocks off and his wife was the one w all the respect, dignity and honor. I'm almost 45 now, it I didnt stop it, I could easily be 50..old enough for an AARP card and still playing games w my life.

 

So, I've stopped everything w him, but it still does hurt a little bit.

[hurted]

I am awed with your post. thanks! yeah, let's do this...

 

Time will surely heal all our wounds but i think it's within ourselves that we have to dig deep in order to get over any relapse in trying to get out of the A.

 

For me, I can no longer blame my MM why I can't resist him whenever he wants us to get back together... Don't have that much support from friend coz they are not aware if the Affair.

 

2nd, my dignity outside is still intact but my immorality is tainted that I can't even face myself sometimes whenever I think of all that I've done.

 

3rd, if he uses me, then I believe I'm using him too. I've always wanted to have a kid with him... we just can't find the right timing before. I guess, I need to let go this dream with him all in all.

 

4th, Fear of God's ultimate punishment is what's been keeping me from contacting him now and the so called karma... I hope this is more effective this time coz begore I thought if loving is great why would I be forsaken from loving him and my thoughts were... I AM JUST A NORMAL HUMAN BEING STRUCKED BY LOVE for the first time..

 

5th, Got to find myself and maybe confessed my dilemna to one of my friends so someone can just pull me out if I'm not myself whenever he's around...

 

6th, to read stuffs in this site everyday to remind myself that I'm not alone in this race to claiming FREEDOM, PEACE OF MIND and finally SELF RESPECT again.

 

THanks Couldhavebeen for sharing with us!

 

One question is tho I am surprised that you would think you would get punishment but not him. One thing is driving me nuts is i cannot convince myself Karma would go to him! I just think he put me into all of these, cheated and lied and used me! I am just a victim and he is the torturer! He deserves punishment. Actually seeing him out here having fun is so hard on me! I really just want to see some bad thing happen to him( I m not a mean person but i really do feel this way...) so i am relieved that this world still have some fairness!!!

[hurted]

Thanks, what pulls me back into MM mode is just plain lonliness. oh and trying to date other single guys. I have yet to find a single guy that makes me feel the way he made me feel. I miss him and part of me thinks that this would have worked out...he would not have gone back to his wife if only I'd been a better gf. So, I want to contact him and prove I can be a better gf and then the cycle starts.

 

I finally realized I'd had enough and needed to do NC or be on meds or in counseling for the rest of my life. So..I let him go. It's still hard. There are times now when I'm dying to send him a little nonchalont email, but then I stop myself.

 

In the end, I was just someone who helped him get his rocks off and his wife was the one w all the respect, dignity and honor. I'm almost 45 now, it I didnt stop it, I could easily be 50..old enough for an AARP card and still playing games w my life.

 

So, I've stopped everything w him, but it still does hurt a little bit.

OMG SunsetRed you and I had so similar thoughts!!!

 

Sometimes I really do blame myself, oh maybe i wasn't being supportive enough, Maybe i fight him too often, Maybe i didnt break up with him sooner so he could have been realized how important to have me in his life then would wanted me more and finally decide to get a D. Even now sometimes i still think that: what if i did....he might be......

 

Also i am just like you, I am still trying to see other guys but i am more disappointed every time i date/see others. Just like you said "no one makes me feel the way he made me"! I still dont know if i will ever find someone that would make me feel extrodinarily happy as he made me or even happier! So would we just settle with whoever makes us ordinarily plain in life instead of having someone makes us feel awesome and awful at the same time?

 

I dont have a solution for this (

[porcelainprincess]

I have not decided if I'm going to do NC, but I think I'm headed in that direction. This is my first experience being an OW, although not with a MM, he was wearing a promise ring and heading towards engagement so it was somewhat serious. I will just refer to him as my MM in this post

 

1. My MM was always the one to bring me back into our strange relationship. There were times when I was too tired to see him or talk to him, and I could easily go for a few days without contact, but he would always continue to chase me & this made me feel desired and special, for a short time anyways.

 

2. My fears & thoughts about everything at this point: I'm looking at myself like what the @!$# happened. Today he said he was going to try to make it work with his ex, so understandably I sulked all the way home. I get to decide what happens next. At the same time, it's time I finally open my eyes and confess about what's happened to me.

 

I totally stopped taking care of myself. Yes I dressed up nicely for him and gave him the best smiles I could, but I've been treating myself like dirt since this all started. I've stopped going to the gym. Chocolate is my friend. I haven't stepped on the scale in nearly a complete month & I'm terrified about looking at it. I have acne from my bad eating habits and stress.

 

My house is a complete mess. My temper at work is getting short, and the quality of work I do has been decreasing. My grades in university are doing a rapid nosedive. The relationships I once had with my friends are basically gone due to me focusing all my time on my MM and spending the rest of my time sulking in my room by myself.

 

I have hardly been sleeping. Ever since I got with him, I stopped talking to my family.

 

I'm looking at myself thinking omg, girl you need to get a grip.

 

The biggest thing I'm afraid of is him trying to contact me, which I suspect he will do.

 

3. How to overcome all of this.

 

I am the most valuable person in my life (maybe if I keep thinking this, I'll believe it). I need to start taking care of myself from the inside, and letting it show on the outside. I deserve to eat healthy, exercise, lose weight, sleep 8 hours a night, have friends, and have an awesome relationship with my family. I deserve enough time to tidy up my home and pamper myself.

 

 

I have to stay strong

[hurted]

Hey Girl,

 

Trust me, you are not the only one. And thanks for pointing how important is taking care of yourself! How can i forget about that.

 

I almost forgot i experienced the very same as yours cos i was so ashamed of myself ( being a failure, watching others getting married, I even watched a frd who is also a OW got pregnant and her MM got divorced and married her!)

 

I didnt even had the energy to go out, even meet frds cos nothing excites me anymore....

 

But you know what would gives you more fuel to go on and stay strong?! Go to youtube and look at those pretty gurus teaching you how to be pretty, how to treat yourself better and how to being physically and mentally strong.

 

By watching others being ahead of yourself, you would want to catch up with them and move forward!

 

thats what i did and doing! Hope it helps!