Love letter from exMM - part III

[Pierre]

No, it wasn't fwb. It was full blown emotional, and I was clear that I needed that from the beginning.

 

OK, anyone can have an affair and it does not mean you are a bad person at all. When you say needed it seems you were looking for this guy to fix you and generally that does not work.

 

I just didn't want to get where we got, with all the drama and the failed plans of being together. Yes, I was looking to eat cake, and I tried to use the affair as a way to be able to solve my other problems. It worked to some extent, and then it backfired.

 

 

No, it does not work. No one can make you happy 24/7.

 

 

I do understand the people blaming me for staying married. All I can say is that I'm in a bad place, and divorce for me is not possible right now on my own. One of the reasons for not wanting a R out of the A was to avoid some rescue fantsy, and then realize that he wasn't really what I wanted or what I thought.

 

You worsened your situation and the only cure is a radical resection and hermetic 100% NC. NC needs to be absolute, otherwise you are doomed to suffer even more. Your H cannot help because he has no clue about what is wrong with you. Why can't you leave the H? Children?

 

I do want to move on, I want him out of mind completely. Now that he's written me this email, I have movies going on in my mind about him and his wife having sex and it's driving me crazy. I want it all gone. It's a process, as much as I'd like to push a button and erase his existence, I can't.

 

Complete NC is available to you if you get another email.

 

 

We had a really strong bond, and yes to him it started fr

om the fact that I'm physically exactly what works for him, and I used to be so nice to him

 

I guess he was another dude in distress looking for a woman to making happy. It does not work! You need to be intrinsically happy. You cannot make him happy 24/7. MM cannot make you happy 24/7 either. The strong bond is BS. You know why is BS? Because the two of you refuse to get a divorce. So in the end it is a very weak bond. Stop idealizing the relationship.

 

 

It's hard to break that bond, just like he couldn't sever the bond with his wife. A bond is a bond.

 

I am a bit confused. If you were both cake eaters: What went wrong?

 

I suspect, in the end you did not reach the happy state you were looking for.

 

Just go into absolute NC and let a few weeks go by. Be strong! Try to be nice to your H even if you don't feel like. He could surprise you.

[veryhappy]

I find it sad that you, CD, are posting his letter on LS to be ridiculed by posters.

 

It is not my intent. I loved this man so much. I do need to protect myself, because nobody else is doing it, so feedback from people to keep me grounded helps me move on. If he's ridiculed in the process, although I haven't seen anything outrageous, it's a consequence of his behavior. He's showing his true colors.

 

I do accept the criticism for being mean and thinking their new found happiness won't last, or my stabs at his W. It helps me cope, and I'm not in a place to have energy to care about being sensitive and fair. Whatever will help me move on within legal reasons, I'll do it. Ethical? I don't have it right now.

[Pierre]

He promised to leave his wife and then didn't.

 

Most of the time women are willing to leave. Men are usually dumped by the wife. I get it. She needs to leave the H despite what MM does.

 

What is the problem? She was leaving anyway.

[Heather1]

I'm going to bat for him & say it sounds sincere. There's just a really fine line between sincere/stringing along & sincere for real. xOM & I talked about the damage a D would do to our kids, finances, friends, xtended butterfly effect & decided if one or the other M fell apart on it's own, fine, but agreed neither of us would force the other to D. On that we agreed, I'm as on the fence about my m as he is & I can't decide.

 

My A ended for a different reason, I was a FB to him. It wasn't clear (to me) til he started coming back to my work & saying it wasn't to see me. I ended up quitting my job, wished him well & in NC. He'd never send me a letter like that!

 

He's offering you what he can give & if you want more than that then don't reply. I'm one who doesn't believe the guys are always the dirtbags & that we're no victims. It works or it doesn't, best to get out before a dday & major damage!!

[todreaminblue]

LOL........yes I did, how could I miss that and it's sincere too.

 

 

do you think the boundary laden affair could have been humorous in nature....scrap this first part read the rest of the posts......sorry.....deb

[sad puppy]

Nobody is doubting the sincerity of the letters . . . as each of the letters clearly indicate xMM suffers from at least one personality disorder.

 

He is showing CD exactly who he is and you really can't get any more genuine and sincere than this.

 

This is so true, he is showing CD exactly who he is, a real jerk, completely selfish. That letter he sent is insulting and he sounds to be such a narcissist. Omg, your life will be so much better without him. He has certainly put you in your place with that letter. You are to be used for sex and nothing else. To serve him.

 

Respond to his email with this: F*** off

 

That's it, that's all, just do it. Seriously. No other words. Just do it.

[veryhappy]

I didn't question his sincerity. If he wanted to manipulate me he'd tell me different things. No, he's been fairly honest with me. He's just self-centered, doesn't consider the long term, and gets easily scattered. He's weak and a coward, and I knew he probably wouldn't make it to get a divorce, but sometimes you just have to see where it goes. He didn't mean to hurt me, but he did, and it was easy minimizing it because he dealt with the home front and is very avoidant, so why face the way he treated me?

 

He said several times "I never want to hurt you" in the last weeks of the A, and I knew it meant "I will hurt you". Hurt still hurts, and I'm not the most forgiving person.

 

I used to tell him that he's somewhat superficial. Even now, I doubt he's thinking of me and the effect resuming the A would have on me. He's just desperate for a fix, and he'd do anything to get it.

 

Sincere, yes. Capable of showing and behaving like he loves and cares for me, no. Not in the time frame I posted here. He had times where he did show both love and care, but the past is the past and this is him now.

[veryhappy]

Pierre, I wasn't looking for him to make me happy 24/7. I know it doesn't work that way. I was looking for the energy being in love gives to solve my problems myself. It worked, I am overall in a better place than I was before the A, so I don't regret it, I just need to deal with the aftermath.

 

It didn't go fully according to my plan, but it wasn't a solo dance, and the result is a combination of two people. The A was helpful for him too to take a look at himself, but what he'll do with that if anything I have no idea. It was a good experience, and it is cheapened immensely by him.

 

Regarding my H, I am a good wife. Well, you know, take sleeping with another man out of it. I did instinctively cling onto him when exMM rode into the sunset, and have been extra nice to him. My niceness has never been a problem.

Edited October 27, 2012 by cutedragon

[mercy]

It's him getting what he wants and me accepting it won't lead anywhere.

 

There's history with boundaries with him. I insisted on boundaries, I insisted I didn't want it to lead to a R, and I wanted just an A. My guess now is that his self esteem couldn't take it, and he had to go blow through all my efforts to keep it within some confines, and fill my head and hopes with all the "I want to be with you" story. So he's offering now what I wanted a year ago. He'll find out that timing is everything. He can't stay within boundaries anyway, but he probably thought that would be something appealing to me. Plus he wants to make sure I don't mess with his marital happiness.

 

Marital happiness? What a piece of work he is.

 

I 'hear' your pain in every one of your posts. I can tell you that you are going to be okay but you wouldn't believe me. I didn't believe it when I was told it. In fact I didn't want to hear it.

 

We aren't that different, you know? In the end infidelity rips your heart out, then comes back for more.

 

Whatever choices you choose to make I hope they are for your well being and healthy for you. Just take care of you and show yourself some kindness and forgiveness. When others don't give us what we want or need we need to give it to ourselves. Please try to think on that. You need to love you more than you hate him or her.

 

Life is beautiful and you can have a beautiful life. You just have to figure out what is right for you and only you can answer that.

[veryhappy]

cd, I have read many of your posts to others - your advice and past experiences and I think you are really doing your best to move forward. But with this kind of ****, it is hard for you to really get away from him. I hope you can see that others just want the best for you -- don't want to see you continue to get hurt and want to see you move forward with your 'recovery' from all this.

 

I hope you are continuing to see the damage he did to you and that you continue with NC. I am not sure if you can get him on stalking at this point...but if you do want to go down that path, I would start with ensuring his wife knows of these emails first.

 

Hang in there and be good to yourself and I hope this latest bullsh*t doesn't stop you from moving forward with your life. I hope it doesn't cause you to backslide or engage with him.

 

He is such a tool...how nice of him to offer to re-engage in the affair with him got any bamboo you can thrust under your fingernails too?

 

I had to look up the bamboo reference. Ouch!

 

I know everyone has their best intentions at heart, as all replies have been nice to me. It's really helpful.

 

I will stop checking the emails, and post an weekly update. If I'll fail, I'll close the damn account.

[MissBee]

I'm going to bat for him & say it sounds sincere. There's just a really fine line between sincere/stringing along & sincere for real. xOM & I talked about the damage a D would do to our kids, finances, friends, xtended butterfly effect & decided if one or the other M fell apart on it's own, fine, but agreed neither of us would force the other to D. On that we agreed, I'm as on the fence about my m as he is & I can't decide.

 

My A ended for a different reason, I was a FB to him. It wasn't clear (to me) til he started coming back to my work & saying it wasn't to see me. I ended up quitting my job, wished him well & in NC. He'd never send me a letter like that!

 

He's offering you what he can give & if you want more than that then don't reply. I'm one who doesn't believe the guys are always the dirtbags & that we're no victims. It works or it doesn't, best to get out before a dday & major damage!!

 

 

Of course he's sincere....

 

He's pretty forthright that he just wants an A, can offer nothing substantial but an A, is sorry cutedragon is no longer there for him on his terms and he hasn't ceased to remind her about his lustful thoughts about her.

 

He is completely honest about that. No one says he isn't. His sincere foolishness shines through, which is why it is so unbelievable because he's sincerely thinking that this is wonderful when it's not.

[Pierre]

Pierre, I wasn't looking for him to make me happy 24/7. I know it doesn't work that way. I was looking for the energy being in love gives to solve my problems myself. It worked, I am overall in a better place than I was before the A, so I don't regret it, I just need to deal with the aftermath.

 

 

I can't blame you. Being in love like that is like being in HS again experiencing that first love.

 

You both use the affair as a escape from the mundane world of marriage, but that also says that you and MM made the marriage mundane.

 

Leaning on your H suggests that you truly have cake eating elements and this is corroborated by the fact that you are not leaving your H. Accept what you have and go into absolute NC. Be extra nice to your H to see if he reciprocates. It is not that hard to rekindle romance, but right now you cannot do that.

 

As long as you remain in contact with MM you will have pain and it may last a very long time.

 

I read your description of this MM and it is not very flattering. I ask you a question:

 

If you had a daughter and she had to choose between a man like MM and a man like your H. What advice would you give her? To choose MM? Think about that one.

[Heather1]

I will tell you this, last year sometime when I was "moving on" & had a nice trip planned he txt'd me to meet him. I was taking a pic w/ my phone & it popped up & for some reason I replied right away. We talked in my car & he said something similar & I left thinking things might get better....it didn't. I had an incident (non-A related, friend advice) & asked him to call. He didn't call for 2 weeks after the issue was resolved. That's when I just knew we weren't even "friends"

 

If you're feeling he's not following through now, it gets worse. Cut your losses then before you feel used.

[Tenacity]

cutedragon, I admire your strength. I wish I would have had it.

 

You seem to be very well aware of what is going on, even though you are obviously in pain from the ending of the A with a man you loved.

 

I too think this man is being honest with you. The problem is, with his honesty comes a very clear picture as to what he can offer you (or rather -- what he can't offer you). I am sure he is going crazy, wondering why you don't contact him. I can promise you that if you were to contact him, all that would change -- you would be giving him his power and ego boost back.

 

You are in a position I would have given anything to be in, but I wasn't strong enough. Please be strong. Don't reply to him. ANY communication from you to him at this point will feed his ego and you will lose the power you now have.

 

He has made it abundantly clear that he cannot offer you what you want.

 

Don't fall into the 'friends' trap, either. Been there and done that... you will end up in the same place you are in now. Being 'friends' just prolongs the pain and gives him the ego fix and communication while letting him stay exactly where he is.

[veryhappy]

Don't fall into the 'friends' trap, either. Been there and done that... you will end up in the same place you are in now. Being 'friends' just prolongs the pain and gives him the ego fix and communication while letting him stay exactly where he is.

 

He's being absurd with the friends line. We've been through it before and I have said absolutely not. He actually pouted when I told him he was not my friend. Well, when he admited he dragged me out at my expense, so sorry that disqualifies you as a friend.

 

I think he's just desperate as he said, and trying every angle to get something on his terms. Delusional! I understand his confusion. How could I say no when I was so into him and always there, and always a reliable emotional connection? He took me for granted, and he confused me being nice and loving with being weak.

[veryhappy]

We talked in my car & he said something similar & I left thinking things might get better....it didn't.

 

I have read this story a million times. The OW just cements their commitment to the marriage by staying in MM's life, and we know at what cost to us. I will not make his life easy. He certainly doesn't care about making my life easier.

[woinlove]

To me posting his letter here is a betrayal to the bond they once had. I could never do that to a former lover.

 

Doesn't sound like it was so much a bond for him as filling a need along side his M which he wants to continue.

 

Lots of things here that lots of us would not want to do, but I don't see CD's post as one in particular. Not uncommon for texts and emails and conversations to be relayed here or on the dating forums, usually always looking for an outside perspective to help their own understanding. I probably would not do it, but then I try to live my life without such drama and deception, so have no need to do it either. CD posted about being on the brink of insanity with the end of the A and many others have described it this way too.

 

No shortage of hurtful behavior in most of the affairs posted about here. Again, I think honesty is the answer to a lot of this. Had CD and MM both been honest from the start and continued on a path with no deception and betrayal, CD may still have been posting here, but not about a letter from xMM.

 

But CD and xMM didn't choose honesty from the start and the question is what can CD do now. Moving on from the A, so that it is really over, is one good step. That step eliminates some (not all, but some) further betrayal and deception.

[veryhappy]

To me posting his letter here is a betrayal to the bond they once had. I could never do that to a former lover.

 

He betrayed that bond first.

 

I chose to post my story in his words. Most times, people say there are two sides, and the other person can't defend herself. I went straight to what the other side is saying.

 

There's no betryal as far as I'm concerned. His messages were lacking any personal information. His reactions and words are representative for many MM, and I hope it will help some OW trying to end it to see through the bs.

[whichwayisup]

To me posting his letter here is a betrayal to the bond they once had. I could never do that to a former lover.

 

You feel that way, but obviously others including CD don't. This comes off as quite judgemental.

 

If your MM screwed you over and treated you poorly, played games with you, pushed you so far past your emotional limit, you might reconsider the above statement.

[MissBee]

To me posting his letter here is a betrayal to the bond they once had. I could never do that to a former lover.

 

Well luckily, you don't have to...but other people can if they so choose.

 

In any case, the idea of betrayal while in an A is dicey and I find it very strange when OW have so much loyalty to MM who often will throw them under the bus at a moment's notice. To each her own though. We're talking about sleazy and selfish emails here from an arrogant MM....it's not sacred IMO.

 

Cutedragon will win no prizes for "protecting their bond", rather, she is beginning to realize how sleazy he is and in that case, the bond doesn't seem so precious. Anyway, relationships in general are private, yet the whole point of this discussion board is to be able to talk about otherwise private things, in a safe and anonymous environment. Some people don't discuss their relationships here but are here for discussions...yet others discuss all kinds of details about their love and sex lives...from the happy OW to the ones who aren't. Is it only okay to share private details when they are good? Anyway, it's anonymous again and the whole point is to be able to share and vent and tell details you'd otherwise not tell a friend or family member perhaps who knows you personally.

Edited October 27, 2012 by MissBee

[firstandlast]

To me posting his letter here is a betrayal to the bond they once had. I could never do that to a former lover.

 

I don't see any betrayal here. The A is over. It's not as if she's publicly identifying the AP. And, really, aren't we all exposing private details about our relationships just by posting on this forum?

[MissBee]

I don't see any betrayal here. The A is over. It's not as if she's publicly identifying the AP. And, really, aren't we all exposing private details about our relationships just by posting on this forum?

 

Ditto.

 

Posting his name, his picture, or sharing this among your friends, maybe that is a "betrayal" but on online message boards where we don't know each other, have no real person to pin this to etc...this "betrayal" is hard to prove and has almost no leg to stand on. Most people who end on good terms won't have a need to do this anyway, so suffice it to say, in the case of an A, there are already so many questionable things going on, where MM are betraying OW and BS...that it seems almost laughable to attempt to protect some "sacred bond" by not posting on LS. But the whole premise is flawed IMO, as no one asks permission of the people involved in their situations, usually, before posting stories here, and you don't need to.

 

Maybe if you post about how great the sex is between you and your MM you're not betraying any bond but if you post what a douche he is you are?

Edited October 27, 2012 by MissBee

[Pierre]

CD is a cake eater,

 

She is not divorcing her H, but she lusts after MM.

 

For those of us that aere not cake eaters this seems bizarre.

 

I also suspect the H of CD is probably a good H. If he was the H from hell she would be looking fort a divorce.

 

CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating

[myname]

CD is a cake eater,

 

She is not divorcing her H, but she lusts after MM.

 

For those of us that aere not cake eaters this seems bizarre.

 

I also suspect the H of CD is probably a good H. If he was the H from hell she would be looking fort a divorce.

 

CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating

 

I agree with this, was thinking already, why is she going on about the MM and how terribly he is behaving, he's done nothing much different to what she's done. They've both had an affair, they've both turned back to their spouses and left them in the dark and they're both still obsessed in someway or another with each other.

[Minnie09]

This is just an example of a weird power struggle. OP didn't want anything but sex initially, but then, as she got more and more involved, changed her mind. When the AP pulled back and stated that HE didn't want anything more serious, she gets obsessed and her interest level increases, and feels let down. That fuels her passion/anger/obsession. When that leads her nowhere, she breaks up with the AP, which fuels his interest, resulting in him making an effort. That's one of those cycles that rarely end. When she gives in again, he will pull back again and so forth. Neither of them will leave their Ms or confess. Just cake eaters, both of them. Hungry for drama and attention.*