I'm married, but I need a second chance with an ex, or to learn how to forget.

[cantmoveon]

I was dating a guy (let's call him Jason) for five years and then we broke up. A few months later I got married to a guy (let's call him Shane) who I love very much and soon we will be celebrating our 5th anniversary. Jason was really upset that I got married so soon (and to someone else), and two years later, he got married. So they've been married almost three years. We haven't had any contact in these five years, not even email.

 

The problem is, even though I haven't talked to him, I still think about him all the time. It feels like a brick in my stomach that he's married to someone else. I know I have no right to feel that way since I got married first, but I feel it anyway.

I think I'm still in love with him. I know that doesn't make any sense, since he's not the same person I knew then, I don't even know what kind of person he is now. What I want to do is fly out to his town and talk to him and kiss him and sleep with him one more time to see if it's still real. I know I shouldn't do that. I don't want to break up his marriage; I want him to be happy. But I feel like I can't go on this way for the rest of my life.

 

How do I move on? Five years of having no contact with the guy didn't work, I don't want to still feel like this in 50 years time. I've talked to my husband about this, he's a really open and understanding guy, and he doesn't mind if I contact him. But how do I contact Jason and tell him that what I need is for either: 1) him to make me not be in love with him anymore, or 2) let me know who he is now and if I love the person he is now? And how do I do it without messing up his marriage and his life?

 

What do I do? Or not do?

 

Nothing is not an option, that's what I've done for five years, and I can't do it anymore.

[ringo]

You don't do anything with him. Think of all the years that have pasted by. He is not the same guy as you are not the same woman you were years ago. You have to let it go. Look at the H you have now... remember all the great qualities about him and why you married him. By contacted this other guy, IMO would just make matters worse.... you'll see how happy he is... that will hurt her.... or he'll just blow you off.... that will hurt you... your husband will find out what your doing behind his back.... your just bring pain all around if you do anything.

 

If you feel you have to "Let Go" then write everything down on paper - how you feel... whatever.... then burn it.

It's the past, it's over.... look to the future without regret.

[sami]

You only need to work on yourself. Don't fall victim to your own illusions. He is no longer yours. Act like an adult and move on with your own life. Leave that guy alone for his own family. Having feelings for a married man is no licence to travel to see and sleep with him. Your husband's consent to it makes no difference at all.

[nikkicam71]

look...the grass is ALWAYS greener. wake up and smell the coffee...you've got a GREAT guy, a wonderful marriage...why on earth would you do something like that???

 

you've idealized your ex in your own brain. but you have no right to hurt other people, your husband, his wife and possibly children, just because you seem to have personal issues. after five years, you don't know him anymore! you love the IDEA of him. maybe you might want to get in touch with a professional for counseling...you might have a better chance of getting to the root of the real issue, which lies in you. if you can't find a way to be happy with what you have, with a person you say you love, then maybe you don't love yourself quite as much as you should. That could stem from childhood, personal experiences, whatever, but instead of calling your ex and destroying tons of trust in several different interpersonal relationships, why don't you call a psychologist?

 

I don't mean to offend you, but it would seem to me that you need to learn that the key to happiness lies within....you can't "feel" love if you don't love yourself first.

 

~Nikki