IamJinxed Posted August 1, 2004 Share Posted August 1, 2004 Hi there, I would really seriously like advice with a current girl I've been going out with. I've known her since high school, and she's an old friend of mine. She's been "seeing" one of my friends for the last two years. He's one of my good friends, but he has a problem with committing for relationships. He's more of a playboy who likes to get ass but not get the attachment. Anyway, he gave her an "I don't mind and can't do anything if you start seeing other people" speech when she approached him about the relationship situation they were in. In fact, he's been seeing someone else for the past 4 months. She however never really made him committ to her, and pretty much let him get away with just dating her and getting sex with no attachment. They haven't gone out seriously on a date or even seriously talked for a year now, only occasional sex when they get together. So for the past month, I've been going out with her and have started to develop feelings for her. The first time when we were out drinking, I informed her that yea, he's been seeing someone else. This made her cry her heart out, because apparently she's still ridiculously attached to him. After I told her this, I built up strength in her for her to talk to him and end things appropriately. Instead of telling him about her feelings, she ended up having sex with him. This was still during the 2nd week after we went out. Her and I have gone out for a month now, but she's still attached to him. She's cried several times about how she still likes him, and can't stay angry at him even though he's treating her like crap and is already seeing someone else. Her and I have messed around repeatedly about once a week everytime we go to my apt to drink. But I just haven't felt the passion when we mess around and when we go out because she still likes my guy friend. I've approached her about this issue, about where we stand and stuff. I've also told my friend that I've been seeing her, and that we kind of messed around. He's now mad at us both, because he feels like I've betrayed him and she cheated on him. I know out of respect, I should have told him that I've been going out and messing around with someone he used to date. But he shouldn't be all mad at us because he already gave her an "OK" to see other people. The fact that its me shouldn't change things. Well, so the problem is I'm really starting to develop feelings for this girl. Like I said I've approached her about us because I didn't want to be used. I KNOW for a fact that she's not using me, but yet she told me she can't make any promises about us because she still has feelings for my friend. We only mess around when we drink at my place, and on other dates I feel she's a bit more distant about having my hands around her or making out. But this is all because my guy friend is still on the back of her mind, and she's being such a baby girl about him. She just can't stay mad and get over him. PLEASE I need some advice on what I should do in this situation so that I can win her over to my side. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted August 1, 2004 Share Posted August 1, 2004 I really think you should leave her alone for now. If she's still got feelings for this guy, and he decides he wants her back, it's pretty likely that she will just forget about you and go back to him. I advise just letting her get over this on her own. Don't be the rebound guy for some girl who is still in love with her ex, and is STILL having sex with him. How does that make you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
IamJinxed Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 They had sex once... the 2nd week after we went out... I know nothing's been going on since. Well, I know he's not going to want her back because he's beeing seeing someone else for the past 4 months. Plus they've already pretty much stopped talking for the past year, and are only like friends with benefits. When me and her go out together we have fun, so isn't it better for me to help her get over this? Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I see your point. It's better for her to be with you having fun then at home crying and missing him. I guess you should just go out with her and keep her company whenever you can, and tell her how you feel. There's not much else you can do, you have to let her get over this at her own pace. Link to post Share on other sites
IamJinxed Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 What does everybody else think I should do? Please comment and help! Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
missy10 Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 She has dated this guy for quite a while - he is screwing around on her behind her back, can't commit to her but the bottom line is she loves him. And until she can truly walk away from him you are setting your own heart up for a huge drop off the mountain! Don't do it! I know you care about her and are developing feelings but you both aren't on the same page. She is practically using your friendship for a shoulder to cry on probably in hopes deep down that you will help him see the light leaving you at the curb. I have to agree with the other poster - you have to back away, let her situation unfold and end when she is ready to admit he is a loser and be there for her when she is really ready for another relationship. But you need to give her time to get her life back on track - don't muck up the waters for her. For your sake and hers - I hope she removes the blinders soon! And another thing - if you two are messing around and she is still getting it on with him who is also messing around - I hope to heck you are smart enough to use a condom and not risk and STD! One last thing - alcohol induced intimacy does not make a relationship! Missy10 Link to post Share on other sites
Frankie12 Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 I totally agree with Missy, In fact, I think some of the things she said is a good eye opener for me as well because I'm getting attached to a friend also. My friend needs time for her situation to unfold too. Although my situation isn't as messy as yours appears to be, I need to do the same as you should......give her the space she needs. Link to post Share on other sites
IamJinxed Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Thanks a lot guys. I've been thinking lately and I feel like I should take a break apart from her. How long do you guys think I should just stop going out with her and stop seeing her? Link to post Share on other sites
missy10 Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Iamjinxed: That's a tough call - everyone is different but I say - let her come to you. But I think you are doing the right thing! Missy10 Link to post Share on other sites
fundamental Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 IamJinxed, This girl seems emotionally confused. Even though it might be a little hard, I feel that you should just stay away for a little while. Go out and try to enjoy yourself. Maybe, she will see what she is missing. The way I see it now is that she wants emotional confusion (feelings for her ex--your friend). Sorry to say this but she has you as her back-up quarterback--not intentionally. You should not settle for less!!! I understand that you like her and have feelings for her but you have to show her that you are #1 and not a back-up sitting on the bench. Why would you want to sit on the bench waiting? Don't you think you deserve to be somebody's #1??? From what you have posted, even though she likes you, it doesn't look like she is going to get over him anytime soon. However, you can quickly turn this thing around. Don't be weak in this situation....going back to your place to fool around with her. I think you need to show her that you are taking some control. If she is distant with you on dates, then don't invite her to your place to spend time fooling around. Don't kiss her at all. Make her see that it is her loss. Tell her that you just want to be friends because you are looking for a woman who is not so confused and distant. This should, hopefully, get her to start wondering about you. She will start to lose control and fall right into your lap. This is your opportunity...be her friend but get control of the situation so that YOU don't become emotionally confused. fundamental Link to post Share on other sites
IamJinxed Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 Thanks a lot again for the advice guys. It's already been a couple of weeks since we last saw each other or even talked. What should I do now? Stay away longer? Give her the friendship speech like fundamental suggested and hope that it will turn things around? Or should we just start hanging out casually, without fooling around? Link to post Share on other sites
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