he says he's not over his ex, is this an excuse? im heartbroken

[dustpull]

Long story short,

Been 'talking' to this guy for 4 months.

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster with this guy. He was really into me the first month, then friendzoned me, then KIND OF dated me for a whole month (after he officially broke up with his ex), called me a potential lover, then I confronted him last week and he said he's not ready for commitment yet, cause he's still not over his ex. Is this just an excuse or does he really mean it?

 

He tells me how much of a great person i am, how he's very attracted to me, and how he loves spending time with me, but he told me it won't be fair if he starts a relationship with me when he's still in love with his ex..

 

I don't get it.. I thought when you find 'the one', you will move on? I also went through a breakup earlier this year and never moved on until i found him, i thought he would feel the same way too about me....

i'm heartbroken right now....

[january2011]

My advice is to believe what he tells you. Whether it is the truth or not, he does not feel strongly enough about you to pursue a relationship with you. To be fair, he didn't say that you were the one. He seems to be saying that his ex was the one, because he can't get over her, despite an available woman who is in love with him standing right in front of him.

 

Make a clean break. Focus on self-care. Go NC. People who are not over their ex are bad news because they aren't emotionally available to give the new relationship their best shot.

[dustpull]

Even if he was lying, does it really matter?

 

What's so great about this guy / relationship anyway? Doesn't sound like someone, what I would expect or want within the first 4 months of dating someone.

 

At 4 months, you should feel like your feet haven't touched the ground. You should still be on cloud 9.

 

 

 

I'd go with this.

 

 

 

How old are you? You do know "the one" is a myth, right?

 

 

 

It does not appear that he is "wired" the same way you are.

 

 

 

Its sucks and I am sorry you are going through this.

 

 

I forgot to mention,

this guys is EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED. He's still 20 and I'm also 20.

a guy like him is very rare to find for me.

He's very good looking (costa rican american), very SMART, successful for his age, alot of people want to be with him (guys and girls...), sweet, romantic..

It's ****ed up how he's still in love with his ex, im sooooo jealous sometimes. He kept telling me how lucky he is to have me in his life, because i'm always there for him even through his breakup and how amazing I am as a person. He even called me a full package once and told me how i've swept him off his feet

 

I am truly hurt and I can't stop thinking about him. It's only been 2 days and I'm already a wreck. I didn't get to 'love' him yet, but i was so close. I fell for him multiple times, and each time he pulls away cause he knows he's getting too close to me. He even admiteddly told me that. He's a very honest person..

 

 

Do you guys think he will contact me again someday when he's over his ex..? Do you think he will miss me..? I mean he already liked my old pics on FB..that must say something.. i guess..

I don't know.... i'm so tired and hurt....

[mammasita]

If he did find "the one" he would move on.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but you answered it yourself.

[Million.to.1]

I forgot to mention,

this guys is EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED.

 

 

I hate to do the audible groan thing, but you are living in a self created love bubble. This is your fantasy, not his.

 

You don't really even know this guy so how can he be everything you've ever wanted? You only know him on a very surface level and that doesn't count for much I'm afraid.

 

I guess if "everything you ever wanted" is a guy who is in love with another woman, emotionally unavailable, doesn't see your value, and is happy for you to hang around and watch while he gets over his ex and waits for some other woman who is not you comes along, then Yes! you have found "the one"!

 

Always believe a guy when they say "i'm not ready"

Whether it's an excuse or not is irrelevant.

 

I hate to be blunt, and I know that this sucks for you, but in life we don't always get everything we've ever wanted.

Best thing for you to do is move on.. being his friend will only be painful for you if you have feelings, he will meet another girl and you'll have to watch it. So, remove yourself from the situation, live your life and be open to meeting a guy who actually wants you.

[KatZee]

 

I don't get it.. I thought when you find 'the one', you will move on? I also went through a breakup earlier this year and never moved on until i found him, i thought he would feel the same way too about me....

i'm heartbroken right now....

 

This is kind of foolish and naive thinking. How can you possibly think a guy you've only been "talking to" and then been shoved into the "friend zone" is "the one" ??

 

And why would you possibly think that HE thinks you're HIS one?? I think that's for him to decide, no?

 

He told you he's not over the ex. He's still in love with someone else, so clearly you're not the one for him.

 

Also, if someone is still in love with someone else, they are emotionally unavailable. That means he's not open and receptive to love and to moving on. He's not where you are. And you found something in him that helped you move on from your ex, but he hasn't yet found the person that will do that for him.

[dustpull]

We got that message loud and clear.

 

 

 

It's not a bad thing. It takes some people longer than others to get over their Ex.

 

Let's assume you and him date and end in a break up. You want him to be a water faucet and just turn off his feelings for you and be able to fall in love with someone that quickly?

 

 

 

Assuming you want this guy to like / want you when he has healed himself and everything to offer you... This is a good thing.

 

 

 

Again, this is all good news if he is going to want you when this is all said and done.

 

 

 

It's very possible.

 

After my break up, I randomly met a girl. We chatted for a couple weeks and I wouldn't date her because of my feelings for my Ex. After sharing that, she informed me she had a BF.

 

Unlike some of the other posters, after I am dumped or a difficult break up... I am in not in any shape or form to jump back into a relationship with someone else. I take time off from dating / relationships and get "healthy" and fully healed before I get back out there.

 

Having said that, it very well could be some BS excuse. Time will tell and you will surly find out (since you are friends with him on FB).

 

I did not see or speak to her for 2+ years. Not long ago, she contacted me out of the blue and wanted to see if I was interested. I would have been very interested in dating her. Only reason I didn't, I found out she was only 22 and even though she didn't care, I did (I am 40).

 

Anyway, there is no reason why this guy you are talking about can't date you once he is over his Ex.

 

 

 

I am sure to some degree he will. However, he is mainly focused on resolving his feelings about his Ex.

 

 

 

Best thing you can do for you, which happens to be the best thing you can do to give you and this guy a second chance...

 

Is give him plenty of space and don't be his friend / get "friendzoned". You don't want to seem desperate, needy, etc.

 

 

 

I have been somewhat friendzoned all this time.. Well not necessary. The term is complicated.. It's like I'm definitely more than friends cause he texted me every single day, initiated everything including hangouts and skyping. Then he kept telling me how he'd like to 'be friends for now..but not forever..' he says he has to figure out what he wants in life first and makes sure he doesnt get hurt this time cause he's been hurt 4 times in the past, including his most recent ex. And also he needs to get over his ex completely first, and he kind of wants to explore the single world...... So yeahbasically he's just NOT READY for a new relationship right now.

 

What should I do now? I don't want to be friendzoned.. I also never act desperate/needy/clingy infront of him, I confronted him that one time because icouldn't take it anymore (4 friggin months). But I learned alot from my first breakup and I would never beg someone for anything.

 

 

 

UPDATE: He texted me this afternoon after 2-3 days of silence.. 'Hey, I hope you are doing well. Make sure to prepare for that hurricane. Be safe.'

 

I replied 3 hours later casually as well, i almost ignored him completely but I figured that would be immature.

 

Did I do the right decision?

 

I don't know why he texted me.. i really thought he would just disappear.. weird......... sigh