It's almost 4am here....

[porcelainprincess]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new but I've been lurking on the forums trying to find a similar situation as myself so I can look for some answers.

 

About 6 months ago I met a man at my workplace, and we hit it off. Things were fantastic in the beginning, however I quickly found out he had a girlfriend and I slotted him as "unavailable" in my brain. Since day 1, he flirted with me during each and every shift, so much so that all of my coworkers noticed. I found it hard to ignore him and eventually my feelings for him grew.

 

Then he began wearing a "promise ring" with his girlfriend and I was shocked, especially because the flirting soon resumed to its usual pace. After his girlfriend moved away for university, we became even closer. We started spending nights together at his place (never slept together because I want to wait for marriage and he knows this) and he eventually kissed me. He kissed and hugged me a lot, and it was fantastic. Then, he asked me to be his girlfriend and everything changed.

 

The same day, he said I needed to be honest with him about any insecurities in regards to his ex so we could "build the foundation of our relationship". I told him honestly I compare myself to her, and I worry he will discard me. This discussion did not go well. He said I was not ready for a relationship, and all affection abruptly ended. He would even physically push me away if I tried to go for a hug.

 

I continued to spend time with him, although less often at his place. The physical affection is gradually increasing, but no kissing has happened. I know he is still in contact with his girlfriend, and I do believe the amount of contact is increasing.

 

He has introduced me to some influential people in his life recently and they adored me. We share all the same goals in life & I truly want to be with this man. I feel as though we are doing everything right, at the same time things are not moving in the right direction. Tonight he cancelled our plans to phone his business partner (who is his ex) for several hours, and then forgot to call me back. I suggested we make plans again, but he did not agree. He referred to our future plans, talking as if he would not be attending.

 

Lately I've been reaching out more to him to get him to respond (ie. I will call first, or occasionally text first) and I'm wondering if I need to decrease my contact to get him to chase me again. I feel like I'm moving in the right direction and suggesting I'm good girlfriend material, but I don't know how to get us to have that romantic connection once more. I am confused about why he is pushing me away romantically, when all I want is to be with him. The result of this emotional rollercoaster has taken a huge toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

 

I want to be his girlfriend, and I want him to hug and kiss me just like before. Please help, I don't know what he needs....

[Hawaii50]

No one knows except him, and maybe not even him. He just got out of a relationship, so you don't want to be the rebound.

 

I'm not sure what or why you're waiting for marriage, you're setting yourself up for failure.

 

No one waits for anything else for as arbitrary as marriage, so why sex?! especially if you're not a holy-roller.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe he is just as tired of tugging on it as you are of not getting hugged.

[alexandria35]

I'm not sure by your post if this guy broke up with the other girl or not. Sometimes you refer to her as his gf and other times as his exgf. Did they break up or does she think they are still in an exclusive relationship while she is away?

 

In any case, if you are going to go to the trouble of saving yourself for marriage, don't you think that the man you choose to marry should at least share the same values as you? You say the two of you have the same goals as if that's the most important element but it's not. People can bend and compromise on their goals in order to make a relationship work but you can't do that with values. Some people will try to compromise their values for the sake of a relationship, but the outcome of that is usually painful.

 

Lastly the situation between you two is very unclear. Like it seems weird that he asked you to be his gf but then changed his mind the moment you admitted to having insecurities about his (ex?)gf. I'm curious how that conversation really went. Not that it really matters because the guy just doesn't sound interested in you anymore. Maybe he just wanted to know that he could have you and now that he knows he can he's lost interest. Maybe he just wants to have someone he can have sex with and doesn't see the point of cheating with someone who isn't even giving him that, altough I'm unclear on if he was cheating on his gf when he was with you because although you called her his ex a couple of times you never said if they actually broke up or not. My overall advice would be to tell you to never chase a guy who isn't chasing you back and never accept less than being the one and only to the man you are with.

[porcelainprincess]

Sorry about the confusion; he has told me they are now broken up, however obviously I question that status.

 

After he asked me to be his girlfriend, that night we were cuddling in bed and I guess I "spaced out" - I get distant when I worry about him cheating on me, because I found a postcard sent from his (ex)gf in his computer room. He said, "If you want to build a solid foundation for this relationship, you need to tell me what's up. Honesty is key." It was dark so I couldn't see his expression very clearly, and I told him the truth: I remember mentioning I compare myself to her, because I think she is so beautiful & perfect etc, how he is an ex-male model and has many female friends, and basically how I was concerned I will be discarded and hurt in this situation.

 

He was hurt and claimed I did not trust him. He said exactly "You're not ready for a relationship right now. You're not" and then the lovey-dovey ended.

 

At that exact moment.

 

I cried which was probably a stupid move but I couldn't help it or hide it.

 

That night he slept with his back to me. The next night he slept very far away from me as well, I was hurt and I asked why. He said "you get to decide how close we are". If I moved in for a hug or anything, he would push me off and said "don't take it personally".

 

The last time I spent the night over there, he said "you can sleep on my shoulder if you want to" and I did. Which I consider to be an improvement....

[Hawaii50]

He might be getting his hugs from his X

[porcelainprincess]

He might be getting his hugs from his X

 

 

but she's in a different part of the country :s

[whichwayisup]

Sorry about the confusion; he has told me they are now broken up, however obviously I question that status.

 

After he asked me to be his girlfriend, that night we were cuddling in bed and I guess I "spaced out" - I get distant when I worry about him cheating on me, because I found a postcard sent from his (ex)gf in his computer room. He said, "If you want to build a solid foundation for this relationship, you need to tell me what's up. Honesty is key." It was dark so I couldn't see his expression very clearly, and I told him the truth: I remember mentioning I compare myself to her, because I think she is so beautiful & perfect etc, how he is an ex-male model and has many female friends, and basically how I was concerned I will be discarded and hurt in this situation.

 

He was hurt and claimed I did not trust him. He said exactly "You're not ready for a relationship right now. You're not" and then the lovey-dovey ended.

 

At that exact moment.

 

I cried which was probably a stupid move but I couldn't help it or hide it.

 

That night he slept with his back to me. The next night he slept very far away from me as well, I was hurt and I asked why. He said "you get to decide how close we are". If I moved in for a hug or anything, he would push me off and said "don't take it personally".

 

The last time I spent the night over there, he said "you can sleep on my shoulder if you want to" and I did. Which I consider to be an improvement....

 

Love (not really) how he turned it on YOU like you're the bad guy here for not trusting him. Cheaters do that eh.

 

He is screwing with you and he's being cruel..Intentionally cruel. You do know this, right? he's giving you bread crumbs and you seem OK with that? WTF, get pissed off, be insulted! Where's your self respect and self worth?

[porcelainprincess]

Love (not really) how he turned it on YOU like you're the bad guy here for not trusting him. Cheaters do that eh.

 

He is screwing with you and he's being cruel..Intentionally cruel. You do know this, right? he's giving you bread crumbs and you seem OK with that? WTF, get pissed off, be insulted! Where's your self respect and self worth?

 

 

I don't know honestly.

He invited me over tonight to reschedule our cancelled plans for a movie night. I want to say yes & I probably will....

 

Don't get me wrong, he does treat me exceptionally well during periods he is not talking with his ex. He will apologize like crazy if he suspects I am at the least bit offended, he stood in a snow bank in a tuxedo and let me wear his coat to keep me warm, and he even watched my girly tv shows without any encouragement from myself. He will buy me groceries and make me meals.

 

It's just when he talks to her, the ring comes back ON, and he treats me like nothing.

 

I know it's an unhealthy dynamic but I do love him. There's so much potential there, if he would just man up and give me 100% of who he really is. I know there are men out there that would accept me completely, no questions asked.

 

I want to move forward and get to my goal of a real and legitimate relationship

[SecretFlower]

As someone who was in a position similar to yours once I can tell you this is the point where you need to choose a path. He's not going to leave her if you continue to enable him. The ring will keep coming off when he's with you, but the minute you turn your back and he goes home to her it will be back on. He is with her, and even though he is not married, there is that distance. I have to admit I'm a bit confused. Are the two of you together? Has he broken up with his gf? If he has, what is the issue? His inability to choose between the two of you? Or, is he still in a relationship...

[taya]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new but I've been lurking on the forums trying to find a similar situation as myself so I can look for some answers.

 

About 6 months ago I met a man at my workplace, and we hit it off. Things were fantastic in the beginning, however I quickly found out he had a girlfriend and I slotted him as "unavailable" in my brain. Since day 1, he flirted with me during each and every shift, so much so that all of my coworkers noticed. I found it hard to ignore him and eventually my feelings for him grew.

 

Then he began wearing a "promise ring" with his girlfriend and I was shocked, especially because the flirting soon resumed to its usual pace. After his girlfriend moved away for university, we became even closer. We started spending nights together at his place (never slept together because I want to wait for marriage and he knows this) and he eventually kissed me. He kissed and hugged me a lot, and it was fantastic. Then, he asked me to be his girlfriend and everything changed.

 

The same day, he said I needed to be honest with him about any insecurities in regards to his ex so we could "build the foundation of our relationship". I told him honestly I compare myself to her, and I worry he will discard me. This discussion did not go well. He said I was not ready for a relationship, and all affection abruptly ended. He would even physically push me away if I tried to go for a hug.

 

I continued to spend time with him, although less often at his place. The physical affection is gradually increasing, but no kissing has happened. I know he is still in contact with his girlfriend, and I do believe the amount of contact is increasing.

 

He has introduced me to some influential people in his life recently and they adored me. We share all the same goals in life & I truly want to be with this man. I feel as though we are doing everything right, at the same time things are not moving in the right direction. Tonight he cancelled our plans to phone his business partner (who is his ex) for several hours, and then forgot to call me back. I suggested we make plans again, but he did not agree. He referred to our future plans, talking as if he would not be attending.

 

Lately I've been reaching out more to him to get him to respond (ie. I will call first, or occasionally text first) and I'm wondering if I need to decrease my contact to get him to chase me again. I feel like I'm moving in the right direction and suggesting I'm good girlfriend material, but I don't know how to get us to have that romantic connection once more. I am confused about why he is pushing me away romantically, when all I want is to be with him. The result of this emotional rollercoaster has taken a huge toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

 

I want to be his girlfriend, and I want him to hug and kiss me just like before. Please help, I don't know what he needs....

 

 

yeah girl stop texting and calling him he saw your calls amd meassage he just not answer so back off him and see what he will do

[taya]

He might be getting his hugs from his X

 

sad but ture i have been in somthing like this ...best thing to do is let him go and see what he does action speak louder then words

[alexandria35]

Sorry about the confusion; he has told me they are now broken up, however obviously I question that status.

 

So you're pretending to yourself that he broken things off with the gf when actually you know she is still in the picture because sometimes he talks to her and then puts the promise ring back on.

 

OK so here it is in a nutshell. This guy is a self absorbed overly egotistical emotionally immature prick. Remember how he invited you to open up to him about your insecurities and then turned on you the moment you did? This is part of his normal personality. He can't take hearing peoples honest thoughts and feelings if he percieves it as a criticism against him. You told him that YOU feel insecure and that YOU compared yourself to his gf and he turned it around and acted as though you had insulted him. This is a part of his personality and believe me it is UNBEARABLE to try to have an honest intimate relationship with this type of person, because you can't be open and truthfull about your real feelings and thoughts. You always have to be gaurded and careful not to say anything that they may percieve as a criticism of them. I bet this is the very thing he has going on with his gf. One day they are all in love and he's wearing the ring then the next thing you know he is pissed off at her for whatever reason and taking the ring off and giving more attention to you. He feels empowered by having you and her because he is assured that he will not be alone no matter what. He is using as back up for when things aren't going his way with the gf. Even if she came back he would probably still try to have you in the background as the fall back girl so he has someone to run to when he is having a temper tantrum with his gf.

[Lucky_One]

If your goal is a "real and legitimate relationship" as you say, then stop spending time with him until his R with his GF/XGF (whatever she is at the moment) is completely ended. Don't spend the night with him, don't ask for hug, don't plan conference calls (what in the heck was THAT all about?) with his business partner (is that the current GF/XGF or an old XGF).

 

You can NOT have a "real and legitmate R" with someone who is already in a R with someone else.

 

There are obviously emotions running between him and his GF. It sound as though they are negotiating whatever their new relationship will be.

 

Tell him to call when they have fully broken up, when they are no longer in contact with each other, and when he stops putting on a "promise ring" (and how teenager-ish of him anyway) whenever he reconciles with her.

 

And then BE DONE with him. No lunches, no snuggles, no overnights.

[coffeebean201]

He seems to like having both of you in/around his life. And he's honest about that.

 

But he's oblivious to the drama/hurt/confusion that creates in your life and her life when he keeps turning back and forth.

 

He is the kind of man that needs friends outside his primary relationship, with gentle flirting and appreciation.

 

So which of you is his primary relationship?

[MissBee]

I don't know honestly.

He invited me over tonight to reschedule our cancelled plans for a movie night. I want to say yes & I probably will....

 

Don't get me wrong, he does treat me exceptionally well during periods he is not talking with his ex. He will apologize like crazy if he suspects I am at the least bit offended, he stood in a snow bank in a tuxedo and let me wear his coat to keep me warm, and he even watched my girly tv shows without any encouragement from myself. He will buy me groceries and make me meals.

 

It's just when he talks to her, the ring comes back ON, and he treats me like nothing.

 

I know it's an unhealthy dynamic but I do love him. There's so much potential there, if he would just man up and give me 100% of who he really is. I know there are men out there that would accept me completely, no questions asked.

 

I want to move forward and get to my goal of a real and legitimate relationship

 

 

Please don't bet on his potential and wait around for months and years thinking about the "good treatment' while ignoring the overarching dysfunction of it.

 

He isn't the last man on earth.

 

You seem hellbent on forcing a relationship out of him. Will you feel worthy if he finally agrees? So many women subconsciously do this. They believe if they can get an unwilling man to "commit" they've won something...usually though they never get him to and waste all this time and energy trying to bend and twist and show that they are good gf material. It's insane. He already knows you and he wants you or he doesn't. Relationships aren't about one party selling themselves, contorting themselves and convincing the other they are worthy and they certainly shouldn't be a "he treats me well only when someone else isn't around" situation. I'd cut my losses and move on if I were you. Of course you "love" him and it will be difficult... but you'll be glad you did.

 

Also, all the "great stuff" you said are all superficial. A man cooking for you, giving you his coat etc are all nice gestures but in the grand scheme of things, does it matter how many meals he gives you, how many coats you borrow and how many chick flicks he watches if ultimately he makes you feel insecure, he doesn't want to commit to you and ignores you for another woman???? I think you're being blinded by the wrong things (as so many women often are). Women get caught up in trivial chivalrous gestures like that and build fantasies around pillow talk, him buying them stuff, telling them they are pretty, putting his coat in a puddle for her to walk on:rolleyes: but ignore that those things don't take much, and most men who are players can do these silly things very well yet where it counts: being honest, supportive, respectful, commitment-ready, consistent, loving, forthright etc they completely lack. Please see that these nice gestures come a dime a dozen and don't pin your hopes and dreams of a relationship on him.

 

You want a relationship sooo bad that you're here trying to turn a frog into a prince and you've accepted less than acceptable treatment for it. Don't be that girl. Women who value themselves will cut their losses and hold out for a man who not only chases them initially, but one who doesn't chase while with another, who is consistent once he has her and who doesn't make her wonder if she is good enough. Your choice...wait for that or continue trying to "make him" want you.

[porcelainprincess]

Hi everyone

 

I spent the night over at his place and it went well. When the morning came around, he waited for me to get up and we left the house together.

 

That is when he dropped the bombshell.

 

His 2 business mentors work with him and his (ex) gf, and they are basically his surrogate parents due to his family situation. They have been talking with him and that woman, suggesting they try to get back together.

 

She is flying in from across the country this week to solve this.

 

She will be staying in the city for school next year to be with him.

 

He has decided to give it his complete effort to make it work, due to the advice from his business mentors.

 

It was hard for me to hear. He said he still wanted me to be in business with him, and that it was a life-long commitment.

 

My response: "I don't know if I can be in your life anymore" (this is an improvement over my usual crumb-accepting behaviour.)

 

He sent me a text and told me to look at it after he left. This is the text:

 

"I want you to still be in my life but I was really looking for a true friend to help me out through this and I believe in you. Why let something like this wreck such an amazing friendship. I do understand and am really sorry. I luv you lots. This is hard for me right now, I'm going through a tough time.... I don't wanna lose that friendship but if you don't want me in your life anymore then I respect you enough to leave you alone even though I think that would be silly to do. I'm going to cancel the meeting for today. Just want you to think about it"

 

I have not replied....

[whichwayisup]

Say goodbye and mean it.

 

He basically told you he isn't in love with you (You are with him though) and he dismissed all that you had with him - Put you in the friend zone so quickly after making love to you and being with you. Ouch.

 

Get mad, be sad, be strong though.

 

DO call on him this as it is obvious he doesn't sincerely care about you, nor really putting your feelings above his own.

 

I don't wanna lose that friendship but if you don't want me in your life anymore then I respect you enough to leave you alone even though I think that would be silly to do.

 

I hope you have it in you to end this and tell him goodbye. He isn't a true friend, if he was, you two wouldn't have crossed the lines/boundries and had an affair.

 

I luv you vs I love you. Two different meanings. At least where I come from love and luv are different.

[porcelainprincess]

I've been in NC since this happened. He's called me 5 times, 2 voicemails, 2 texts.... I was doing okay until I listened to the last voicemail and he said this was "the last shot" at contacting me and then he's letting me go....

 

I panicked. I know this is messing with my head & I feel bad about myself, but I still called him about an hour later and got no answer.

 

I want to chase him again and just beg for friendship. Idk what I'll do. I thought I'd vent that because it sounds pretty sick to read it

[Owl]

Be GLAD that it's his "last shot" at communicating with you.

 

It means that you'll no longer have to dodge his calls/messages/etc...

 

Seriously...he made a choice. And you aren't it.

 

That tells you all you need to know about him, his situation, his priorities, etc...

 

Don't work with him. Don't contact him. Remove him from your life. Be glad that you got this information BEFORE you had proceeded any further down this path.

 

Start filling your time and energy with something else. Working out, a new hobby, resuming an old one.

 

You'll get over him, like you would any other ex.

[porcelainprincess]

After a full few days of NC I broke the silence and answered his call.

 

He cried quite a lot, and apologized for hurting me and such.

 

We spent some time together and he told me he has decided to be with me instead of the girlfriend. I told him we need to do this the right way, so that everyone knows.

 

A couple hours later he pulled away from me again, and had a long chat about how concerned he was that I'd leave him for my ex. I was pretty shocked by this mood swing, and frustrated because he seems so emotionally unstable. I hated being accused of things I haven't even done!

He then left the room and decided to stay awake all night.

 

The past few nights he's hardly slept at all. In the morning he acted like nothing happened, and I just couldn't brush it off. I tried calling him just now but got no answer, because I feel like I need to let some of this off my chest.

 

I don't even know what I'd say to him.

 

I just know I feel extremely bad inside all the time

[Tara247]

After a full few days of NC I broke the silence and answered his call.

 

He cried quite a lot, and apologized for hurting me and such.

 

We spent some time together and he told me he has decided to be with me instead of the girlfriend. I told him we need to do this the right way, so that everyone knows.

 

A couple hours later he pulled away from me again, and had a long chat about how concerned he was that I'd leave him for my ex. I was pretty shocked by this mood swing, and frustrated because he seems so emotionally unstable. I hated being accused of things I haven't even done!

He then left the room and decided to stay awake all night.

 

The past few nights he's hardly slept at all. In the morning he acted like nothing happened, and I just couldn't brush it off. I tried calling him just now but got no answer, because I feel like I need to let some of this off my chest.

 

I don't even know what I'd say to him.

 

I just know I feel extremely bad inside all the time

 

He's a mental case, Porcelain. You can see that, right?

[porcelainprincess]

I know he appears mentally unstable but I went to some counseling yesterday to deal with some of this, because it's impacting other areas of my life, and the counselor told me he is likely reacting to a very big loss in his life (he suddenly lost his mother less than a month ago) and that he has emotional baggage from his previous relationships. They said while he needs someone to be there for him, at this point they doubt it's a mental illness

[alexandria35]

Years ago when I ended up in therapy over a bad breakup, whenever I wanted to talk about my ex and what was wrong with him, my therapist refused to comment, simply stating that she had never met him and therefore couldn't have an opinion on him, which was the 100% correct way for her to handle that. Same goes for you and your counselor. He/she has no buisness stating any opinions to you regarding this guy because they don't know him and are not treating him.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say he has a mental illness. I would say that he is self serving, selfish and that he likes to use people to make himself feel good. Those traits are usually deeply ingrained in people and they don't change unless they want to and they seek help. Losing his mother is no excuse for what he is doing.

 

I have had people I love die, one very recently and I'm still grief stricken, and I know lots of other people who have lost their loved ones to death, my aunt and uncle lost their daughter, and they haven't turned into the person you describe. Nor have I. I don't for one second think I have the right to hurt or use other people because I am heartbroken. Well actually I did angrily lash out at a couple people in the days following my loved one's death. One person I attacked was very understanding and stood by me and the other person hasn't spoken to me since and it's been two months. I feel very bad about that and will try to make amends when I feel the time is right for both of us. However there is a big difference between my actions, which was an outpouring of emotions, hurt and anger coming out at the wrong time on the wrong people, and the manipulative mind f*ck games this guy is playing with you. Losing his mother has nothing to do with that.