I'm back...say it isn't true

[kkat]

Alot of you on here already know my story:

 

Met a MM in 1992 - he fell in love with me. I told him no way would I be with a married man. So, he left his wife and children, started divorce proceedings, and shortly thereafter we moved in together. Almost 3 years later, through awful pain for everyone, he had never finished the divorce, decided not to go through with it, went back home under financial and emotional pressure and lack of backbone, and of course, broke my heart.

 

From 1997-2003 I had virtually no contact with him despite his occasional efforts to stay in touch.

 

In summer of 2003 he came back in the picture while I was going through a very rough patch in my life (during this time I had never met anyone else, was a workaholic, not feeling good enough about myself to be available). He told me he had never stopped loving me. He spent weeks pursuing me - and I refused to even meet him for a cup of coffee because he was, clearly, still very, very married. He promised to leave his wife, marry me, and have a child with me. I gave in and got very involved. We began to see each other everyday, and became very involved again. After a brief time, he told me he couldn't follow through - that he didn't want to change his life, that he couldn't afford a divorce, that he couldn't hurt his family like that again. We had a number of stops and starts, including 4 months from Feb - June when we didn't see each other at all - but remained in ongoing, extensive (near daily) phone contact.

 

I started seeing him again a month ago. I got frustrated with the daily phone contact but not seeing him, I was lonely and stupid and confused. Now I am back in the addiction again - yet I feel almost repulsed by him at the same time. I asked him some questions about what's going on in his marriage (glutton for punishment that I am) and he says they have actually gotten much closer over the past few months after each of them have lost close friends to cancer. I feel like the more I realize things aren't ever going to work out between he and I the more I am pushing to keep in contact with him and keep things going, yet at the same time, I have realized, intellectually, that I don't want him. I just feel frustrated that I am never going to find someone I love anywhere like I loved him - (note past tense - I don't feel in love with him anymore...just addicted and stuck).

 

Beat me up, kick me in the tail, but any thoughts appreciated.

[KnottedTummy]

Wow... ok... so, lets see... you started dating this MM, stuck to your guns, told him you would never date a MM, he left his wife, he went back to his wife, then came back to you, told you he would leave his wife again, now won't leave, and tells you they are closer than they have ever been in their marriage... all the while having sex with you AGAIN??? Did I get all that right??

 

One things for sure, at least he's truthful with you... as much as it is salt in the wounds, it takes balls for him to tell you that he's very close to his wife all the while getting laid by you... usually, it's a very sad, sappy, poor me-I-never-get-any-from-a-nagging-psycho-betty-crocker kinda story....

 

But, I think you should revert back to your way of thinking... a lot of us here don't have the kind of courage that you obviously had at some point. Telling a man that you have a deep connection with that you want nothing to do with him is very hard, regardless of the situation. But, you found it in you at one point, I'm curious as to what is stopping you now?

[meanon]

I'm so sorry, kkat. You came so far, ended the affair, stopped seeing him, weaned yourself off the contact and for a brief spell, if I recall correctly, broke contact all together. So what went wrong? I think it may have to do with this:

 

For me, it came down to this:

1. I had to acknowledge that I am in love with this guy, and that there is no future with him.

2. I had to admit that I was staying in the unhealthy relationship because I was addicted to him and to the relationship, and because of my fear of being totally alone, and because I continued to feed myself false hope.

3. I needed to talk to him for closure. We had 12 years of history, had lived together, and had shared many things together - good and bad - and I couldn't just not talk to him. That was my personal decision.

4. So, I talked to him, several times, and said the things I needed to say, asked him a million questions, and then said goodbye.

 

Bottom line - I still don't have closure. I have more than I would have if I had never talked to him about it, absolutely. But if you talk to him, you need to be honest with yourself and what your agenda is - are you talking to him for closure or to keep the door OPEN? I did the latter for weeks, months. I kept the "break-up" going so that I was still connected to him.

 

But again, I talked to him for literally hours and hours over a period of three weeks - and it didn't give me closure. I got answers, I got information, I know how he feels about me, about himself, about his life, about his wife, about his marriage, about his friggin dog. But I don't have closure. Maybe I never will. But to the extent that I will, it's obviously going to have to come from within myself. But talking to him did help me. Again, its individual I think.

 

You left the door open, kkat. Fear of being alone and need for him, disguised as a need to find closure. I'm sure talking helped at first, you needed answers, but when it was no longer helping it became part of the addiction, an end in itself.

 

You've done all the hard work once before, kkat. You know you can do it again. Dust off your top 10 tips, make a plan, take control. The need is just an echo of the love. I know you fear being alone but every day you spend hooked on him guarantees you loneliness. Now you no longer love him you will find someone else once you are free. Do it kkat, you deserve some happiness in life - don't you?

[brashgal]

It is very similar to divorce it seems. Parts of me really miss the good parts of my defunct marriage but overall the bad outweighed the good. I still see him about once a week when he picks up the kids but I refuse to get into any personal conversations with him.

 

The point I am trying to make is, you just have to cut the cord completely or you'll continue to be sucked back in. I know some people manage to 'stay friends' but for some of us it is just not possible. Kind of like any other addiction, fall off the wagon and you continue to engage in destructive behavior.

 

You changed my way of thinking about infidelity certainly, I cannot help but like you from your posts and I feel you deserve to be happy. It will be hard but I know you can do it.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Addiction to anything or anyone is very powerful. It causes very intense and powerful feelings, and that's what you're addicted to. There is something you feel to be powerful or intense about a man WANTING to be with you instead of his wife. It makes you feel wanted, attractive and special in a way that no one else had made you feel. And that's why you feel that no one would "love" you the way that he has. That is always why you want him more now that you found out he's getting closer to his wife. You want him to want you strongly.

 

Although the feelings you are experiencing are strong and intense, it's not love. Addiction is not love. Passion is not love. You recognize this intellectually, but when it comes to thoughts and feelings, feelings are always the last to catch up.

 

This man has made it plain to you in no uncertain terms that he's not going to leave his family. Although the relationship with him may have made you feel good, ultimately you are only hurting and damaging yourself over and over again when you go back to him.

 

The more you tell yourself that intellectually, you're feelings will catch on. You know what's the right thing to do. It's only a matter of doing it now.

[kkat]

Thanks for your replies, and especially from patient BrashGal and Meanon.

 

Yes, I had a period of no contact, but it was brief. But I avoided seeing him for FOUR LONG MONTHS of him asking me to see him - then I broke down on the eve of my 40th birthday. He said all the things I wanted to hear, and I fell for it. I don't blame anyone but myself for getting back into it and now am scared again of the breaking-off of it. I'm so sick of it, however.

 

I am sure I still love him but I know that the addiction is the more powerful thing at this point.

 

Regardless of what my fantasy was, I no longer believe that (a) he will ever leave his wife and that (b) I could ever really forgive him for the pain he has put me through. So even if he did leave, I couldn't be happy with him.

 

I could never fully trust him after what he's done. So I know I have to move on. Just struggling with it.

[meanon]

kkat you said in your first post that you didn't love him now and in your later one that you still do. Are you confused? You need to be sure of your feelings, that should be your starting point if you are not.

 

Either way I get the sense that the addiction is or has all but destroyed the love.

 

I just feel frustrated that I am never going to find someone I love anywhere like I loved him

 

I can understand that but all the good stuff is in the past. It's downhill from here on in. Remind yourself of that. It's not an addiction to love in the here and now. What you can find with another is so much more than what you have with him now.

 

Let us know how you get on, kkat

[Mr Spock]

Yes, I'm interested to hear how you are doing. Have you conveyed any of this to him? He did make promises of comittment to you. Have you asked him when he plans on leaving his wife? Are you suffering in silence?