paradigm shift Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Talked on the phone today with my husband and told him I wanted to go to MC and try with everything to work this out. I asked where he was and he said he feels the same as he did 5 weeks ago (that this marriage is done). I asked if he is happier now and he said that wasn't a thing to ask because he didn't know and to just spring the question and ask for an answer was too much. I explained that I loved him and while he has had years to come to the decision I have had five weeks and I want to try counseling. If at the end, it is a no go, then fine, I would respect it, but I needed to try to work through everything. He said that he has told me plenty of times how he feels, but I said that he has never said "I feel us drifting apart" or that "I'm not sure I want to be with you anymore" or "The lack of intimacy is making me resent you" or anything. I also said that I am not a mind reader and sometimes people need to be hit over the head with stuff. That I gave him some space because I thought he needed it etc. I also said that if he has been feeling this way for years, then I am also having trouble coming to terms with all the lies. Just a few months ago he mentioned he was going to move back home. Since my internship will be in the city, I believe I said we keep the apartment and can switch off nights, because we will both be in the city all week with a house in the country. I want to tell him that I would do anything to stay together...move, travel, uproot the kids, whatever, it doesn't matter. Not without, of course counseling to get through the lack of communication and intimacy. So my question is, do I put on the table how desperately I love him and don't realize what I had? What if the changes in him were because of me and my attitude (I can be demanding and like my own way-but he never argued and always gave in-bad pattern) what if I lost him? Do I have a right to ask to make things work? It's been 20 years and maybe we owe it to ourselves. I am not ready to through it away without giving everything I have, but I don't know if H will try. Is it within my right (dignity) to plead to at least try? I cannot imagine spending my life with anyone else. He said we were best of friends, but doesn't want to be married. Is there any hope? Do you think he would resent me pleading to go to MC and asking he try? I don't want to restart that ugly cycle of him acquiescing to my request, even if it is out of guilt? So many questions and I am so unsure.... Link to post Share on other sites
sapientia Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Begging won't get you what you want, nor will appearing desperate. He has to want to meet you at least partway. So, if you decide to tell him what you want and feel, be careful what message you are sending him about your self-respect. Five weeks isn't much time in the course of 20 years. He's still processing things. Are you the couple that were long distance for a long time? Sorry, just can't remember. If so, saving your marriage would mean getting closer together to restore intimacy. There are two books that I have found extremely helpful to me during this time: Dobson's old standard 'Love Must be Tough' (which is very similar to the 180 you'll see referred to here); also Secrets of Happily Married Men, which is a book by men for men. I found it illuminating to learn the reasons why MC can actually be very bad for marriages. Its not the magic bullet many hope for and can even be quite damaging. In the end though, if he's not willing, you need to take care of you. Hope this helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author paradigm shift Posted October 27, 2012 Author Share Posted October 27, 2012 I have always been very strong and opinionated, never begged or rarely cried. So to admit these feelings would be a bit of a shock to him. Yes, we are the long distance couple lol!! I don't think the 180 pertains here, simply because he knows I am strong and will survive just fine. What I don't think he knows is how desperately I love him, admire him and enjoy him. And I think it's too late. As for MC, we do not communicate and need to learn how, I am seeing an IC and she has helped immensely. I just don't know if this is salvageable Thanks for your kindness and advice PS Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 It is such a hard thing to process that your H does not feel the same way when you still love them. It saps your confidence and leaves you saying, but "wait, what?" My situation is not the same as yours, as there was someone else involved on H's side, but I was married for 22 years and thought, despite infidelity and illness (all his), we would persevere and stay together. The absolutely most difficult thing was accepting that my H did not feel the same way I did. I still struggle with it, but it is what it is. It has to be one of the most difficult things to accept that we are not loved as we thought we were. It is the crux of why most of us are here. Our loved ones did not and do not feel the same as we do and in many cases have been heading that way for years. So when they find someone else while we are still reeling from the pain, we have to realize they have moved on long before we really even realized they were that unhappy (if they were -sometimes affairs make it seem that way). It is hard to accept this, but we have to do so to move forward. I do not think you should beg him or say anything about desperation. I believe, and I understand many may not like this - but I am just giving my opinion here - that you should see him in person and tell him that you love him, want your marriage to work, feel that it is worth saving and that you are willing to work on your mutual issues and your individual issues, as he would need to be willing to. I think you can lay it out for him that you feel a 20 year marriage is something you are willing to fight for and that he needs to think about whether he wants that or not and if he is sure he does not, I think you have your answer. You have given him the truth about how you feel about him and your willingness to work on issues to make it a successful marriage and if he does not want to do this, you must let it go. He has made his decision. It seems counter intuitive, but if he is to realize what he will NOT have with his marriage dissolved, he has to at least have an idea that he has no safety net. He cannot always feel that you will be there for him as a spouse. I really am sorry for your pain. I think many of us know how difficult a time this is. My wish for you to find some peace about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author paradigm shift Posted October 27, 2012 Author Share Posted October 27, 2012 You guys are very very right, too bad such wisdom comes at such a great cost. Steen, you almost made me cry . I will talk to him tomorrow, tell him exactly that, 20 years, I love him and I want to work on our issues, but need the same commitment from him. If he is unwilling, then I have my answer (lalala...can't hear you won't work here, I guess) I think it will be emotional tomorrow morning and we do need a commitment to start seeing more of each other. I don't know about him moving back immediately-commute and all but I would rent this place out and move to city if that is what needed to be done. Or maybe he could be home four days out of seven and I could go in one. I am willing to do whatever. Fairly pathetic, but I guess you don't know what you've got til it's gone:( Link to post Share on other sites
AllieKat Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Im no expert on this as a I was this same thing only we have only been married 7 years and hubby didnt move out. The worst thing i did was proclaim my love and try to "make him see, change his mind" whatever you wanna call it! I am not sure that ever works. The one thing I do see that work if there is any hope left is to start to get things positive meaning positive interactions and reactions. Not desperate begging or pleading or arguing. In fact i found agreeing to the issues was better becsuse it stopped the arguing and put us in agreement. Right now we are not divorcing we are working on things but google leslie cane articles those really are true and made a difference with us. She gives simple advice on getting back into having positive interactions but not kissing his butt either. The more you try to convince him his wrong and your marriage isnt headed for divorce the more he moves closer to it. Just my two cents. I wish you lots of luck and hope you can save your marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Author paradigm shift Posted October 27, 2012 Author Share Posted October 27, 2012 Thanks Allie, our case is different slightly because we've been together for 20 but living apart in an LDR for four years-so interaction can be positive but he is not here to reap its benefits or see changes. I will still go forward with the talk tomorrow and we will see. Obviously he has a lot of things to say to me that has been left unspoken for a very long time. My request is to give the marriage a chance by doing what we can to be closer proximity wise, seeing counselors etc. If it still is not what he needs or wants, or possibly I may find myself in a different place after MC and IC then when can call it done, but at least we tried. I am fully aware that this may not continue as a marriage and will accept that, but not without trying as hard as I can. I have read her articles, but it is hard to apply them when we are so far apart, physically and emotionally, already Link to post Share on other sites
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