I am pleading for some and sanity

[ashers121204]

Okay, I really need someone to please help me feel like I am not going insane. I need some form of guidance and assistance because I am lost and wandering in the depths of severe depression. This is a long story but I will begin. If you read all of this, I will forever be in debt to you!

 

I met my husband 8 years ago online. He started talking to me and straight off the bat, he was sweet to me. We got closer and we ended up meeting then dating. We met in got together in July. We were raised completely different and we are from different places. He was raised in a sheltered home that deemed sex as wrong. I was raised the complete opposite and people around me would always talk bluntly about who they find attractive and why. Anyways, he told me he loved me in September. In October, he told me that his ex was coming over with their daughter who he didn't see for months. She came and stayed at her dads house and I didn't here from him for like a month. I asked him if anything happened and he told me no but already he was cold and distant. Also, during this time he had tons of women on his myspace page however, he got upset because I talked to some of my old guy friends.

 

Fast forward to 6 months later, we were pregnant and living together. I was working, paying the bills, while he sat at home and played with his friends. He went swimming and did a ton of fun things then he would treat me like crap when I would come home. He constantly accused me of cheating on him and he wouldn't go anywhere with me. I wasn't allowed to have any guy friends and he hated how I dressed and the way I talked because i was being "slutly." He called me names frequently and his favorite one was "whore."

 

After we had our first daughter, I found a ton of porn where he obsessively looked at women with VERY large natural breasts. i don't have a problem with porn it's just he always denied looking at it. I was still working and I found out that he did in fact sleep with his ex. I found this out from his sister. He was also talking to an old friend who he didn't even tell me about. He denied sleeping with her but I knew he was lying. Finally I moved away and I was talking to my best friend who is a guy from high school. Also, I was trying to come to terms with being a single mother, living with my mother who is an alcohaulic, being in a whole new place, breaking up, trying to find my self worth, and I had an miscarriage. I was in a bad place. When my friend started acting like he liked me, i made something up, lied to him, and basically turned him down because that's not what I wanted and I was just miserable. So, my husband broke into my account and found the conversations. He immediately made me feel like I was worthless and that I was the one in the wrong. I went back to him because I didn't want him to hate me.

 

A couple of years later, we struggled with the way I talked, how I dressed, and basically everything was my fault. We had two other children. He finally admitted to sleeping with his ex. He still accused me of being on a ton of dating sites and he kept putting me down. He also would say that I had to have seen plenty of other naked men because I didn't react how his ex reacted when she saw him and because of the way I talked. I told him that I have been raped and he would throw that in my face and asked me if I enjoyed it. It was awful. I decided to look at porn....FIRST TIME EVER because I wanted to see what the fuss was all about and I found my computer had a tracker. He saw that i looked at porn and he can never forgive me. We tried to put things back together though for the children.

 

We got married and we moved into a house. Things were actually looking up for the better. Then, he got on an anti depressant. Throughout our entire relationship, he was on and off anti depressants. This one was awful. Within the first couple of days he broke his hand punching a fridge. A month later, my mom got tickets for me and him to a concert and for a hotel room. I was sooooooo excited. I loved the band and I was looking forward to a romantic night with him. He told me that I was to excited and there had to have been a reason why. I must like someone in the band. When we went, he got drunk and was hitting on girls in front of me and grabbing the waitress. I got so excited to see the singer of the band because I was star struck and he was the only one i knew from the band. This was my first concert and my first famous person! It was nice and he told me that I was obsessed with the singer. They played a sexual song that I know the words too. He told me that I was thinking about the singer and his "dick". Wouldn't let it go. Nevermind the fact that he was hitting on EVERYONE. We came home and he went off on me. He wouldn't let up and told me that all I think about is "dicks" and blah blah blah. Finally, i snapped and sarcastically yelled at him " Your right, that's all I want is dicks dicks dicks." Well, he called me a whore, said he knew it, and told me that he can't believe he every touched me and had kids with me. He told me later that after this fight, he said in his head that he was done and was going to find someone else.

 

Then he went to get his GED, I supported him and helped him study. On the way to get his GED he told me that I was making him angry because i talked to much. When he went to his orientation (27 years old) he met a 16 year old and said that she lit up the room. They exchanged emails then phone numbers and he became obsessed with her. He talked to her with kind words, showered her with love, went to her house, bought her movie tickets, and went to the movies with her. Meanwhile, I watched the kids, made him food, cleaned the house, and was told how much I was worth NOTHING. I found out the truth from HER. She sent me the text messages and he even had his own facebook with her. He told her that he wanted to join the peace core with her, I was crazy, he never wanted to marry me, and that he only had one child when actually he had 4. I told her the truth and she was enraged but handled it like 16 year olds do. After a month, I took him back. He promised me that he would change and I asked in return for his love and affection. i want to stop being second place.

 

He ended up beating me up. This isn't the first time that we had an altercation but it was the worse one. He promised he wouldn't do it again. it's been two years and he hasn't. He didn't give me what I needed and continued to focus on his needs. I continued to try to help him fulfill his needs but he was never happy. Then he told me that he needs to let it go so he needs to tell her sorry and he felt bad for hurting her. That was it for me. I went on vacation and I saw my ex. I shut down completely and barely talked to my husband. he put me down frequenlty while I was away and fought with me over everything. i stood up for myself and told him to stop. This of course made me out to be the bad guy. When I came home I finally told him that I was leaving and moving home in a year. I have been at his home town for 8 years and I am lonely. I want to go home where I am loved and not torn down. He still sees that it's my fault. I finally told him that i saw my ex and he flipped out. Now, of course he could never be with me again.

 

Well, I finally broke it off. I love him but I feel like I can't keep doing this. It's draining and heartbreaking. i told him that all I ever needed from him was to be nice to me. I need romance. He told me that he can't be romantic because I talk about "dicks". i have made two jokes recently that he can not get over and they were very innocent jokes that were suggestive. I really don't even talk very valgur. What I say i think would be considered normal and it's pretty innocent. Plus, I have slowed down on my jokes. I talk about other things too. Not just that. He spends his day talking about boobs a lot and making jokes but it doesn't bother me. It doesn't make me stop being romantic to him and giving him compliments about EVERYTHING.

 

While we have been broken up, I got a facebook and I added old friends. i added my ex but it caused chaos here so I took him off. Meanwhile, he called that 16 year old who is now 18 because he still knows her number by heart to say that he was sorry and he told me that she handled it so well! I feel so lost. He still makes me feel like this is all my fault. He still makes me feel like I a loser and that I can't compare to this girl. She is quiet, sweet, polite, and doesn't talk "weird". He makes me sound like a complete whore which I am not. I have been there for him through everything and I have received nothing in return. How is this even fair? Why is it that he can move on and be happy with her but I cannot? Why can't I let it go? Help me!! how can I make him realize that he is the problem? how can I get my self esteem back???? How can I get my life back??? PLEASE HELP ME!

[Soxfaninfl]

I'm sorry but this guy has a lot of problems. He is broken. You deserve better! There are better men out there. This guy puts you down verbally and calls you names. He's even physically hurt. He's even cheated on you. My god how can you be in love with someone that treats you like this.

 

I was with my ex-wife for 13 years and never called her names like this guy has. I never called her a bitch to her face and not even a whore when she cheated on me. I never laid a finger on her either, but she left me anyways because she fell out of love with me.

 

 

Why would you want to be with someone that treats you like this? My God! He will never changed and he doesn't see that he needs to change. He's messing around with teenagers.

 

What you need to do is see a counselor to help you get your self esteem back up and help you get your life back. Self help books are good too. You need to move on and focus on your children. Eventually find a better man that treats you right.

[Gunny376]

One can take a child, send them to school, teach the how to read, write, do arithmatic. You can take them to the library, to musems, read to them, ~ teach them about the many wonders that life and the World holds.

 

You can teach a two, three, four, five, six year old NOT to be IGNORANT.

 

ig·no·rant

adjective \ˈig-n(ə-)rənt\

 

Definition of IGNORANT

 

1

a: destitute of knowledge or education <an ignorant society>; also: lacking knowledge or comprehension of the thing specified <parents ignorant of modern mathematics>

 

b: resulting from or showing lack of knowledge or intelligence <ignorant errors>

 

As opposed to being STUPID

 

[sIZE=5]1[/sIZE]stu·pid

 

adjective \ˈstü-pəd, ˈstyü-\

Definition of STUPID

 

1

a: slow of mind : obtuse

b: given to unintelligent decisions or acts : acting in an unintelligent or careless manner

c: lacking intelligence or reason : brutish

 

2

: dulled in feeling or sensation : torpid <still stupid from the sedative>

 

3

: marked by or resulting from unreasoned thinking or acting : senseless <a stupid decision>

 

 

 

You can cure ignorance? But there's no "fixin" stupid?

 

The two combined makes for a deadly and toxic mix!

 

Dump this clown ASAP ~ as in yesterday, pick up, pack up and start over with your life.

 

You deserve better and life is just too damn short!

[shiftman]

Please consider getting help from someone who is trained to counsel people with your type of situation. Life is way to short to live it in a destructive relationship. Been there, done that.

[riverratt]

You can take this for what it is worth..

 

I am a guy and he is an ass..There is better out there..

[ashers121204]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts!! I am happy that I got to vent and receive from feedback that this is not normal!!! i would like to especially thank Soxfaninfl for your advice and your feedback. I have hope that i will find a nice guy who will treat me better. i stayed in this relationship because I wanted the kids to have a father. However, I don't want them growing up thinking this is how a man should treat a woman. I am spiritually broken and drained. I don't even have the energy to clean my house, do my schoolwork, or cook dinner. I plan on calling for professional help tomorrow. I am moving away in six months. Sadly, my financial situation won't let me leave earlier. In six months, I will be in a supportive environment surrounded by family and friends! I am going to work on myself now, talk to a therapist, and try to stay focused before I get out of here. Once again, THANK YOU EVERYONE!!

[Philosoraptor]

Woah, after reading your thread sounds like you've decided to reconcile with this abusive cheater. I'd gamble you mentioned this site to him and he demanded you responded with something nice seeing how he shows you how wonderful he is with his fists.

 

He's a controlling abusive cheater. Nothing about your response there seems any less than forced. He needs these internet strangers to think he's wonderful and you are wrong? Ha, what a douche.

 

And since I'm certain he's reading this since he seems to be such an insecure piece of garbage.... Little boy, you are scum.

[ashers121204]

People seriously!!! It's really not like that. I honestly made him out to be something that he's not because I was screwed up! I was really ****ing screwed up! It's not like that at all. He's not this crazy abusive cheater and he's not a little boy!! WTF!!! OMFG!!!!!!!! Seriously people! COME ON!! He actually doesn't even know about this site but if he sees it...I hope that he sees that Im sorry for even writing like that about him. I ****ed up recently..I DID!! I cheated!! I LIED!! I DID IT!!! It's NOT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!! IM ALIVE!! Im sober! If anyone knows about addicts they would know that addicts are the best liars out there. Addicts are a total pain in the ass! They have low self esteem and have problems. The first part of recovery is to not lie and to own up to their mistakes. That is what I am doing. GEEZ!! I am trying to heal...recover...and own up to my mistakes. STOP IT PEOPLE!!!!! JUST ****ING STOP! He is actually a nice guy. He was actually my best friend. A lot of the problems that we had...I took it and blew it out of proportion and I twisted the views. It came from one side..my side..and during that time I was pretty far gone! But...I sobered up...getting myself together and realized what I have done wrong! I am learning my mistakes. Maybe some of you need to look at yourselves in the mirror and realize that it takes two in a relationship to mess up. Some more than others. Stop playing victim and do something about it. Stop bashing people you don't even know and assuming things about people's relationship, just by a glimpse of a couple of paragraphs. And by the way...He is a MAN. He has endured so much in his life and took on my **** too. He tried to help me....even when it was far to late. I don't know if he will ever read this....but if he does...I hope that one day he will forgive me! Because I WAS THE ONE WHO ****ED UP!

[Canadiangirl78]

Wow. Um I feel sick after reading all that.. Should we be worried? Yeah, yeah we should. Classic case of an abused woman and what the abuser can do. Wow, I'm seriously sick over that, almost wish I never read it

[Canadiangirl78]

Ashers...please hear me. I too was an addict for some time, addicted to pain medication and am now clean. I was a liar too, did whatever I could to get what I needed. It was a bad time in my life. My fiancé at the time, the man I just split with, helped me through getting clean. He did that by being supportive and caring while I was going through withdrawals etc. he took care of our son so I could get myself better. It was an extremely rough time or me but also for him. I can tell you that not ONCE was he anything but supportive to me. He loved me through that and never made me feel like a bad person. That's not what someone who loves you does. So you've made some mistakes in your life, who hasn't? It sounds like you hubby is making you feel like you are worthless, honey you are not worthless. You mean something to this world, you mean everything to your children and you mean something to me, just some stranger reading your story. I know this sounds like the hardest thing in the world to think about or do, but you need to get away from this man. You need to get your children out of there. I think deep down you know that. You know that this man is chipping away at your soul each and every day. Please don't allow him to do this anymore. Gosh, I'm praying for you, and I hope that you and your children can find some peace..

[Yasuandio]

Something is really weird about this Ms. Ashes posting. In the last post it's like she's blasting us. What did LSer's do to get a "blessing out?" If you don't want responses and analysis of what you posted, why in the heck did you provide so much material and citations? What is the point? What you're doing, and How you're responding to posters doesn't make sense. And, as Judge Judy would say, "If it doesn't make sense, it's not true." So why don't you tell us what's really going on? Yas

 

PS. I just read Candiangirl's post - and she provides a positive image for you to mirror yourself - if indeed this is the problem you are facing - since as far back as October 2012 when you were posting. Please listen to her - and get honest - so we can help you. It is a free country.

Edited November 13, 2013 by Yasuandio

[dreamingoftigers]

So, um, what?

 

Have much of the first post was "fabricated" then?

 

And why are you bashing loveshack users if you're the one who posted it, making it look exactly what it looks like?

 

You might be an addict, but that doesn't excuse him trying to hook up with a 16 year old. Or grabbing waitresses.

 

Or was that a total fabrication?

 

Your feelings for him might have changed. But have his actions?

[William]

It appears the thread starter is posting similar threads, one of which is awaiting reformatting. In the interim, I've consolidated responses and will close this up pending their completion of editing process. At that point, we'll consolidate and process the thread for conformity. Thanks!