I Met His Kid and Then I Panicked

[SecretFlower]

I feel like I should start posting this elsewhere...so, if I need to I will, but yesterday I left work early to meet up with DMM for my birthday (happy 31st birthday to me!) and when I saw him I realized he wasn't alone. He brought his kid! Who I've never met! I was fine, I think, and we had fun. We hung out at the park and got a bite to eat at a cute little cafe, but still shouldn't he warn me before he does things like this? What about his ex-wife? There is no way she would've approved.

 

I didn't bring up my discomfort for a number of reasons, but mainly because I don't think he meant to make me uncomfortable. I think he thought he was making the best of the situation. He knew this was a rough birthday and that he wanted to be there for me and maybe he thought it was him including me in his life? But, I feel like we're too involved. I'm panicking a bit and acting irrationally and when I'm irrational I do one of two things -- push someone away or hold them way too close. I'm definitely instinctively trying to push him away for something very stupid.

 

Should I tell him I was uncomfortable? Or, does that make me look like a crazy, commitment-phobic person who has no intention of truly committing to him*? Someone please tell me I am overreacting...

 

*I do want to commit to him. Eventually. But, not for awhile.

 

Also, have I mentioned my weirdness surrounding children? I have never really wanted kids and that's something neither he nor my STBXH have ever understood. I feel like they both try so desperately to make me want to have kids, or want to be maternal and I'm not.

[whichwayisup]

Happy belated bday!!

 

Speak your mind to him, completely openly and honestly! Come on, this guy divorced his wife to be with you... You owe him the truth, even if it's hard for you to communicate, or it makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

He needs to know that you were taken back when he brought his son to your bday lunch. He should know that you don't feel ready to be involved with his child yet. And you need to take things slowly.. Date and get to know one another OUTSIDE of the affair dynamic.. Let a new dynamic build and let it happen naturally.

 

You can tell him you're scared and anything else you're thinking and feeling.

 

Hopefully he'll listen to you and together you two will figure it out.

[MourningLosses]

I was told his wife would never forgive me for meeting his children even though he was the one who brought them along. So perhaps you should brace for a storm. It's one thing to divorce to be with you. Shes probably insecure and thinks he's replacing her as mother in their lives, especially when you don't even want children that will make her real mad. Stupid on his part I think.

[SecretFlower]

^^ I get why he did it. I do. I just think it was the wrong time to do it. Not because of my birthday or anything, but because we are just getting to a point of even being able to be around each other. I've only been separated and in contact with him for a few months and I feel like he just subconsciously expects me to be where he is at in his life. I know he loves his son and he's a cute kid and obviously he's proud of him, but I don't know how to act around a four year old. I don't know anything about him. And, I'm considered about how his ex-wife will react. I don't expect a little kid to lie and not tell his mother and I would hope he wouldn't expect that either. She definitely is not our biggest cheerleader and I've heard through his sister that she's contacted my STBXH about "our relationship" which is obviously not good at all. I just think it was bad timing...

 

And, I'm going to talk to him about it.

[SecretFlower]

Oh, and she in no way thinks I could replace her. In her eyes, I am scum and am the epitome of a bad person and that I wreck havoc on everything I touch and that I would be the worst mother to ever walk the face of the earth. She all but thinks I'm evil. In fact, she might think I am evil.

 

ETA: I just realized this whole thread makes me look like a self-centered jerk. I'm talking about myself and my feelings and our relationship and I don't think I once mentioned how confusing this all must be for DMM's son. He's never seen his parents together, but I don't think he's ever seen them this at odds. Maybe she's right and I am the self-centered egomaniac that she thinks I am. Ugh.

Edited October 28, 2012 by SecretFlower

[whichwayisup]

You're not divorced yet, just separated and he is divorced. Duh, of course you two aren't at the same place yet.

 

He needs to not include his child yet. If this was a situation where you two were starting to date and this didn't involve x spouses, then most would NOT introduce their kid to their new gf/bf a few months into the relationship. At any age!

 

I'm sure his exW will find out about you through their four year old.

 

He is jumping the gun so to speak and needs to give you time. Both of you have no reason to rush into this so he needs to back off and focus on his child and the adjustments of divorce, new living arrangements and new routines.

 

Talk to him and be honest. And yes, DO tell him how you feel about kids overall.

 

Nobody expects you to be the step mom and pop into that roll right away. If anything, you can be a friend to his child later on as the relationship progresses and if you two move in together way into the future. But for now, no more visits with his child. That isn't right and it isn't fair to his kid. He needs to understand this!

[couldhavebeen]

On the lighter note... I guess he wanted to see both of his love together.... He's trying to picture how you'll all looked like in the near future. I'd be grateful if I were you knowing he is focus on your togetherness.

 

It's just a thought. But whatever it is that you are feeling then you MUST tell him that.

 

My MM once brought his daughter (3yo) at work and he brought her to my office. I, on the other hand loves kids so I adored her immediately. My Now xMM told me that's when he felt his love for me tripled. Just not sure if that's true now that I'm trying my best to let go.

[Hawaii50]

I'd be bothered if a child was brought on a date and I wasn't informed... It just changes the entire dynamics of the date, and I'd like to know when that's going to happen.

 

No, you can't say ANYTHING negative about a child, supposedly. Their all precious little morsels of heaven so you will bastardized by the end of your sentence.

Well..you can, but it won't bode well.

[MissBee]

I feel like I should start posting this elsewhere...so, if I need to I will, but yesterday I left work early to meet up with DMM for my birthday (happy 31st birthday to me!) and when I saw him I realized he wasn't alone. He brought his kid! Who I've never met! I was fine, I think, and we had fun. We hung out at the park and got a bite to eat at a cute little cafe, but still shouldn't he warn me before he does things like this? What about his ex-wife? There is no way she would've approved.

 

I didn't bring up my discomfort for a number of reasons, but mainly because I don't think he meant to make me uncomfortable. I think he thought he was making the best of the situation. He knew this was a rough birthday and that he wanted to be there for me and maybe he thought it was him including me in his life? But, I feel like we're too involved. I'm panicking a bit and acting irrationally and when I'm irrational I do one of two things -- push someone away or hold them way too close. I'm definitely instinctively trying to push him away for something very stupid.

 

Should I tell him I was uncomfortable? Or, does that make me look like a crazy, commitment-phobic person who has no intention of truly committing to him*? Someone please tell me I am overreacting...

 

*I do want to commit to him. Eventually. But, not for awhile.

 

Also, have I mentioned my weirdness surrounding children? I have never really wanted kids and that's something neither he nor my STBXH have ever understood. I feel like they both try so desperately to make me want to have kids, or want to be maternal and I'm not.

 

I don't really remember your story...but kids are a big deal.They can make or break a relationship, that is whether you want them or not and if you're attempting to be involved with someone who already has one.

 

I think you had every right to be uncomfortable. I remember when an ex of mine sprang his son on me, and then asked me to baby sit, when we'd only been going out for about 3 weeks. I too felt uncomfortable but downplayed my feelings and excused it away. If his exW doesn't know and you feel like she wouldn't be okay with it, then it was even more improper of him to do that....to you, to his kid, and the mother of his child. I don't get why he would. I would NEVER do that! And I'd be furious if my child's father did that. I have no idea what he was thinking, but I'd bring it up calmly and just ask why he did it and why he didn't tell you first.

 

Also....if you never want kids and both he and your ex are forcing you to want kids, do you believe that this is a dealbreaker? I mean it's a big issue and I'm not sure how you will be able to have a good relationship if he hasn't accepted your decision and secretly resents it or pushes his child on you so you'll change your mind. Have you thought about this as a potential no in your relationship or do you not think it matters and do you hope he'll get over it and you all will somehow have a relationship where it's not an issue?

Edited October 28, 2012 by MissBee

[Got it]

I think this is a great opportunity for you two to sit down and have some discussions on children, roles, etc. I am of two minds here, he may have thought it was a great idea, didn't think it was a big deal, and went with it without thinking too far head. Or he may have been disrespectful to everyone in mind.

 

I am in a similar boat with dMM and his ex wife. I can promise you I am not her favorite person. So we did give the kid piece some time. But if he is divorced he has the right, when he has custody of his child, to have his child around anyone he prefers unless there is something in the agreement forbidding it. Outside of that the other parent really has no say.

 

But to set things up for success, which I would assume would be his goal, slowing down and making sure he has buy in is the best way to do it and first and foremost that is giving you a head's up.

 

If he and his ex are on fairly decent terms, giving her a head's up will allow any potential storm to wage through before the meeting. But if they are not on decent terms, if there has been issues of parental alienation, etc then I don't believe he needs to tell her.

 

DMM is years past his divorce, he did not notify his ex when we got engagement. He doesn't feel it is her business and while he has told the kids he sees no reason to tell her nor would anything positive come out of it. Unfortunately they do not have a decent relationship and based on the advice of his counselor, it is best for them to parallel parent instead of co parenting.

 

I do think you and he need to have a frank conversation on your views of children. This man does have a child and they are a package deal. You will be involved in this child's life and you need to make sure you understand the responsibilities and magnitude of that. You won't be a primary parent but you will have some responsibilities towards him. So some level of acceptance and ease for children needs to be there. There are many who like the children they are directly around (or their own children) but not others. I don't think that piece is very abnormal. But make sure you understand your level of acceptance of children.

[SecretFlower]

It's not that I dislike his kid or that I can't see myself being a good influence on his life I just wasn't expecting it. He's a little boy and I don't want him to get to know me and then something happen where I'm gone and he's confused. I've been in his shoes. DMM was in his shoes -- in a way. He didn't introduce me as his girlfriend or ex or anything he explained that I was his friend and that it was my birthday, etc. The event was fine it just felt like maybe it could've been planned better.

 

DMM IS an impulsive person. It's part of what makes him so sweet and frustrating. He wants things to happen quickly and on his timeline, but that also makes him a very exciting person to be around. He's a great father (which is something I saw firsthand) and a very fun person, but he is definitely impulsive.

 

As for not having kids, I'm pretty sure that unless something happened I'd never actively try to have kids. I was pregnant once had a devastating miscarriage and have never wanted children since. My STBXH never understood me not wanting to have his children, but DMM accepts it but still would like more...so, that's an issue that I'm not willing to deal with anytime soon.

 

I'm going to bring up my discomfort the next time we talk, and I sent him a text that I'd like to talk but that it wasn't urgent. He'll probably call tonight after he gets home from the guys.

[Spark1111]

It's not that I dislike his kid or that I can't see myself being a good influence on his life I just wasn't expecting it. He's a little boy and I don't want him to get to know me and then something happen where I'm gone and he's confused. I've been in his shoes. DMM was in his shoes -- in a way. He didn't introduce me as his girlfriend or ex or anything he explained that I was his friend and that it was my birthday, etc. The event was fine it just felt like maybe it could've been planned better.

 

DMM IS an impulsive person. It's part of what makes him so sweet and frustrating. He wants things to happen quickly and on his timeline, but that also makes him a very exciting person to be around. He's a great father (which is something I saw firsthand) and a very fun person, but he is definitely impulsive.

 

As for not having kids, I'm pretty sure that unless something happened I'd never actively try to have kids. I was pregnant once had a devastating miscarriage and have never wanted children since. My STBXH never understood me not wanting to have his children, but DMM accepts it but still would like more...so, that's an issue that I'm not willing to deal with anytime soon.

 

I'm going to bring up my discomfort the next time we talk, and I sent him a text that I'd like to talk but that it wasn't urgent. He'll probably call tonight after he gets home from the guys.

 

Happy Birthday.

 

Your DMM is an idiot.

 

It sounds like he had visitation that day and it happened to be your birthday.

 

He sprung it on you, and he sprung it on his little child. Shame on him.

 

It was convenient to do so and I doubt he gave little thought to either of you.

 

If he was my xH, I would be furious too. Not because of you per se, but because a four year old dealing with the divorce of his parents does not need a new person thrown into the mix so soon.

 

Like I said, he sounds like an idiot, a compulsive and very self-centered one.

 

Tell him exactly what you feel. Doubt he will listen. Expect this baby on the weekends he has him and wants to see you.

 

Good luck.

[Got it]

Happy Birthday.

 

Your DMM is an idiot.

 

It sounds like he had visitation that day and it happened to be your birthday.

 

He sprung it on you, and he sprung it on his little child. Shame on him.

 

It was convenient to do so and I doubt he gave little thought to either of you.

 

If he was my xH, I would be furious too. Not because of you per se, but because a four year old dealing with the divorce of his parents does not need a new person thrown into the mix so soon.

 

Like I said, he sounds like an idiot, a compulsive and very self-centered one.

 

Tell him exactly what you feel. Doubt he will listen. Expect this baby on the weekends he has him and wants to see you.

 

Good luck.

 

I think this is a little extreme. It was lunch. As far as I can tell the OP didn't say he disclosed they were dating, that this was his new "mommy" etc that it was anyone other than someone dad wanted to have lunch with and this new lady was along for the ride.

 

If I have missed a larger message from the dMM then please let me know but I think that is a little bit blown out of proportion. Only the adults are assessing a bigger meaning to it.

 

Good for you Secret, just hash it out together. Tell him too soon and put a pin in it for awhile longer.

[MissBee]

I think this is a little extreme. It was lunch. As far as I can tell the OP didn't say he disclosed they were dating, that this was his new "mommy" etc that it was anyone other than someone dad wanted to have lunch with and this new lady was along for the ride.

 

If I have missed a larger message from the dMM then please let me know but I think that is a little bit blown out of proportion. Only the adults are assessing a bigger meaning to it.

 

Good for you Secret, just hash it out together. Tell him too soon and put a pin in it for awhile longer.

 

 

I have to say one thing, kids pick up on things. One need not explain someone is dad's gf etc. for them to come to that conclusion or sense something is going on. My ex for example brought lots of women he was seeing around his child, pretty much as soon as a new woman was in his life, she was at his house or hanging out with him and his child. His defense was that he did not say they were his gfs and he did not do PDA around him. I was furious at this...I was like come on...your kid is 5, and he's not an idiot. Even when he and I dated, I remember it was close after his divorce, and he never introduced me as his gf to his son neither did we do PDA or did we speak to each other in particularly lovey-dovey ways...yet I remember once when we were out to lunch his son pretty much said how come mommy isn't his dad's gf anymore and how come I'm always around.... no filter, lol. That's when I spoke with my ex further about the situation and expressed my discomfort at him acting like because he didn't say anything, his child wouldn't pick up on the fact that we obviously weren't just friends.

 

Lunch with SF isn't going to traumatize the kid. However, I do think she should speak with MM about how to proceed henceforth with these kinds of situations. I do believe, and even from my own childhood memories of picking up on certain adult situations or that things were off with my parents or that this woman my dad was talking to liked him etc...it's not true that kids are just oblivious about these things. With my ex's son it obviously was a strange thing, that bothered his little 5 yr old brain and he blurted it out one day....some kids may never voice it though...but I think far more kids pick up on these things than those who don't.

[Got it]

But dad is divorced so dad dating is not an anomaly or "wrong". Who Secret Flower is may have additional meaning but the 5 year old should not know anything about that. Again, this was a one time lunch. We are not talking about having Secret in the child's life a good bit going forward. I think two separate things.

 

There are two schools of thought on dating and when to introduce them to your children. Some feel that it should be later, others feel that since their children's acceptance (and the romantic party's acceptance) of each other is paramount that introduction is done sooner than latter.

 

I think SF's dMM needs to access his dating life and his policy for dating and his child. I think now is obviously a good time to talk about it and figure it out. I do not think he damaged the child beyond repair or is Hitler reincarnated by the introduction towards anyone in the scenario. I think he bobbled and is a good learning opportunity.

 

What happened right now is not really a OP/MP issue but a normal dating concern. When to introduce the kids.

[underwater2010]

If you do not want kids that do not date men that have kids. You will not make a good step mother. So be fair to yourself and stop dating single fathers.

[Got it]

It's not that I dislike his kid or that I can't see myself being a good influence on his life I just wasn't expecting it. He's a little boy and I don't want him to get to know me and then something happen where I'm gone and he's confused. I've been in his shoes.

 

As for not having kids, I'm pretty sure that unless something happened I'd never actively try to have kids. I was pregnant once had a devastating miscarriage and have never wanted children since.

 

 

underwater - SF clarified her statement. She didn't say she doesn't like kids. She said she didn't know if she wanted to have kids. Two different things.

 

I like kids. I have been ambivalent if I wanted to have my own. Two different things there. One can be a decent step parent without the biological urge to reproduce.

[SecretFlower]

I spoke with DMM and we actually had a really good conversation. He understood where I was coming from and honestly didn't think it would upset. I'll admit it's possible I overreacted just a tad, lol, and I think he mean't well. Should he have brought his son? That's a different issue. We've agreed that for the time being we won't have any more playdates with his son for practical reasons, but also out of respect to his little boy and ex-wife. I really don't want to step on any toes anymore and the only way we'll be able to make something out of this is through respect. And, God willing I'm going to be civil with her -- if I see or speak with her.

[whichwayisup]

Talking is good and you two came to a healthy conclusion. Not to involve his son. It's way too soon and it isn't fair to the little guy. He's going through a lot of adjustments and changes so the last thing he needs to do is hang out with daddy and his 'friend.' No offense to you.

 

And yes, one day you will be part of their life, including his ex's on some level. All you can do is respect her as his mother, let her know that you never intend on taking her place - That you will put their child first and do the best you can to be a caring friend to him, no matter what.

 

IF everybody can agree with that, the kid comes first, it'll make things easier as time goes on in the future.

 

But in the meantime, just enjoy dating him and taking it slowly. No need to rush.