Coping with a LDR - NZ and UK

[kiwidreamer]

Hi there,

 

I'm new to this forum and could really do with some advice - so here's the short version of my story.

 

My SO and I met in 1997 when he came over from NZ to live in the UK. I was 28. There was no doubt that it was love at first sight, we started a relationship and then sadly he ended a few months later, I said those three little words and he freaked!!! Anyway, he moved to London to work but always wanted to move back home to NZ eventually. We always remained good friends and he would drive up from London, maybe twice a week to see me, the spark between us was always there but we never seemed to get it back together. He met someone in London and I also met someone. About two months before I was due to get married, he put a spanner in the works by telling me he loved me and always had done. However, he was still with his partner and I was due to get married. We didn't pursue it and I got married. I was 33 at this point. We remained friends much to the displeasure of my husband and it was always the cause of arguments in our relationship and hubby asked me not to have any contact with him again. He had already moved back to NZ with his partner and they had had a child by this time. So for four years we didn't have any contact and I got on with my life and my marriage until one day out of the blue in 2008 he called me from NZ. Hubby and I were going through a rough patch at this time and I knew I shouldn't have engaged in any form of communication with him but I did and from then on we kept in touch. All the feelings I had came flooding back but at the same time I loved my husband and he was a good man. If he'd found out that would be the end of our marriage, anyway he did and he divorced me because of it.

 

Shortly after my divorce I was due to go to NZ but it didn't happen, SO and I had a huge fall out and I didn't speak with him for three years. My marriage had ended because of him and I felt like a fool. I would occasionally get the odd text message, email or phone call from him but I refused to speak to him. In June of this year I got in touch with him following yet another relationship break up. I still love him after all these years and I know he still feels the same way. We're both single now, there's nothing standing in our way apart from a continent. We both want to make a go of it this time, we've talked about me emigrating to NZ. He wants to marry me. I'm planning my trip to NZ for Feb 2013 to see him and possibly the country I could be spending the rest of my life in

 

If I have another chance of happiness then I want to grab hold of it with everything I've got. I don't want to sit here and wonder what could have been. But at least we both want this to happen and we're doing everything in our power to make it happen.

 

February seems such a long way away, how do you guys cope with the relationship distance? We're so close yet not together

[River Rain]

Wow...I sure hope things work out this time for you guys! I started a ldr in the summer, we split a month ago, but just recently got back together. He's coming here in January.

 

The way I look at it though, it's ONLY a few months away - whereas before I looked at it like, it's SO many months away...time flies by quickly. Also, we've agreed to daily phone calls to keep the communication and connection strong. We've also agreed not to harp on the waiting period, we just want to keep building our bond every day through meaningful conversation.

 

That doesn't take away the longing, but it takes that feeling of desperation away, at least for me.

[Million.to.1]

Hi Kiwidreamer.

 

I'm a kiwi! and in a long distance relationship with a canadian who is looking at moving here.

 

we speak every few days on skype and use "Whats app" a chatting function for smart phones to have quick chats, exchange photos, vids, whatever. We chat everyday.

 

I highly recommend that you really look at the practicalities of what a move to NZ would mean for you. Are you coming just for a short period and then returning home? What then? I'm assuming you are English?

Marriage, unfortunately means nothing if you want to immigrate here permanently. You would have to apply for a partner sponsored work visa and to even apply, you need to have lived together for 12 months and prove numerous things that the relationship is solid. (shared bank accounts, photos, skype logs, whatever you can gather. It's a bit of a process.

Check out this forum and read some of the threads to get an idea of what might be involved. New Zealand

 

When considering a big move like this, you need to have a plan and know what is actually required to make it easy on yourself and the relationship. You and him need to be on the same page with how the whole process will work and plan accordingly.

 

I know all of this because of my own situation, and I'm really glad i know in advance as if we had not of known, it would of been much harder at the other end.

 

Do you have a plan? what is it?

[Els]

I would strongly suggest that you go to NZ on a temporary visa first - tourist or WHV, before making plans for marriage or for living there for the rest of your life. Some folks from the UK love NZ and want to stay, but some just can't stand it.

 

Also, you really don't need to rush marriage for immigration at all, because it won't make much of a difference. Million is right - marriage means nothing to NZ Immigration. Unlike some other countries, a partner is defined as someone whom you are 'living with in a stable and genuine partnership', with emphasis on 'living with'. That means that if you don't marry him but stay with him for 2 months on a tourist visa, you will have more credibility with INZ than if you are married but you have never lived with him. This is to prevent people from buying residency via marriages, as marriage is relatively easy to dissolve here.

[kiwidreamer]

Hi Kiwidreamer.

 

I'm a kiwi! and in a long distance relationship with a canadian who is looking at moving here.

 

we speak every few days on skype and use "Whats app" a chatting function for smart phones to have quick chats, exchange photos, vids, whatever. We chat everyday.

 

I highly recommend that you really look at the practicalities of what a move to NZ would mean for you. Are you coming just for a short period and then returning home? What then? I'm assuming you are English?

Marriage, unfortunately means nothing if you want to immigrate here permanently. You would have to apply for a partner sponsored work visa and to even apply, you need to have lived together for 12 months and prove numerous things that the relationship is solid. (shared bank accounts, photos, skype logs, whatever you can gather. It's a bit of a process.

Check out this forum and read some of the threads to get an idea of what might be involved. New Zealand

 

When considering a big move like this, you need to have a plan and know what is actually required to make it easy on yourself and the relationship. You and him need to be on the same page with how the whole process will work and plan accordingly.

 

I know all of this because of my own situation, and I'm really glad i know in advance as if we had not of known, it would of been much harder at the other end.

 

Do you have a plan? what is it?

 

Hi Million.to.1

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

We've both thought this through long and hard, however, it's more difficult for me because the UK is my home, I was born here and I would have to leave my life here and would miss my friends terribly. Family is not such an issue for me as the majority of my family live overseas anyway and I have no children. My plan is to have a few visits to NZ next year, before even thinking about jumping into marriage, been there done that, it's not something I plan to rush into without a lot of thought and certainly not to get into another country. We both need to be sure it's something we both want and indeed whether I think I can spend the rest of my life in NZ and whether we love each other enough spend the rest our lives together.

 

I've been researching NZ immigration and it is a minefield! Should my visit in February be a success then I will probably start the immigration ball rolling, although I'm not expecting it to be a quick or easy process and I have no plans to go through the partnership visa route as I have no doubt we will be declined. I have a business in the UK I could relocate under the Business category so that's always a possibility.

[kiwidreamer]

I would strongly suggest that you go to NZ on a temporary visa first - tourist or WHV, before making plans for marriage or for living there for the rest of your life. Some folks from the UK love NZ and want to stay, but some just can't stand it.

 

Also, you really don't need to rush marriage for immigration at all, because it won't make much of a difference. Million is right - marriage means nothing to NZ Immigration. Unlike some other countries, a partner is defined as someone whom you are 'living with in a stable and genuine partnership', with emphasis on 'living with'. That means that if you don't marry him but stay with him for 2 months on a tourist visa, you will have more credibility with INZ than if you are married but you have never lived with him. This is to prevent people from buying residency via marriages, as marriage is relatively easy to dissolve here.

 

Hi Elswyth,

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Oh I certainly don't intend rushing into marriage for anything or anyone. I haven't even said yes yet I vowed when I got divorced I would never marry again! So it's not my top priority.

 

I want to make sure it's what we both want and whether I can spend the rest of my life with him in NZ. Lots of decisions to make and lots of planning still to do and we both need to be singing from the same hymn sheet!

[kiwidreamer]

Wow...I sure hope things work out this time for you guys! I started a ldr in the summer, we split a month ago, but just recently got back together. He's coming here in January.

 

The way I look at it though, it's ONLY a few months away - whereas before I looked at it like, it's SO many months away...time flies by quickly. Also, we've agreed to daily phone calls to keep the communication and connection strong. We've also agreed not to harp on the waiting period, we just want to keep building our bond every day through meaningful conversation.

 

That doesn't take away the longing, but it takes that feeling of desperation away, at least for me.

 

Hi River Rain

 

Thank you for replying. Yes, I hope things work out for us this time too, loving someone for 15 years and finally having a chance to be together is very scary but exciting.