My good friend is goin out with me and her bf?! How does that work?

[Kal-El]

I have been close friends with this girl who was my school mate. Now she's graduated already and I'm still in university. We have been really close for quite some time. Always chatting on the phone for many many hours. We've gone out a lot together too. I have always had feelings for her for about two years now since i have known her. But only recently that we held hands and kissed too.

 

Problem is that she is attached. But she's having some problems with her bf for quite some time. She always comes to me to talk. And she did mention that she always has no one to talk to and I'm the only person willing to listen to her. She actually broke up with her bf once about a year ago. I wanted to make my feelings known to her at that time but felt bad, so I held back. Soon after, she got back together with her bf again. I have no idea why, cos she hardly tells me about the relationship with her bf. Only thing I do know is that her bf has a depression problem that is seemingly hard to go away. She has told me recently that things are not going too well with her bf. And he has family problems and depression.

 

I have made my feelings know to her recently too, cos I regretted not telling her the last time they broke up. Though I did feel a bit selfish, however I did really truly love her. She then told me that I had no chance to be with her and there was no chemistry but we were still the best of friends. She told me that she treated me as her best friend, someone who she trusted and could talk to.

 

But about a month or so after that, things started to change after a holiday trip together, we got even more closer and I really could feel that I loved her deeply and did not want to let her go. Again, I did feel a bit bad cos she was still attached. So I was confused. One reason, cos she was sending me mixed signals. At one time, she said we couldn't be together, but she was leaning on me all the time and clinging on to me as if i was her bf. I could feel that she did like me a bit but I'm still not sure.

 

I decided to impose a one month time-out with her. But she immediately refused. She said things would be different if we didn't talk for a while. I wanted to enforce it and decided not to pick up her phone calls or answer her messages. She tried to call me every day so i sort of caved in and felt bad about not picking up her phone calles. Then after about one week i decided to pick up the phone. She started crying on the phone and wanted to come over to my place. I told her not too. But she did insist. In the end, she just appeared at my doorstep and i had to open the door. She spent some time in my room and we ended up kissing and she asked me to promise nver to timeout again. I told her I really loved her and she started crying. I asked her whether she could tell me whether she did love me or whether i stood a chance in her heart. But she couldn't give me an answer at all.

 

I was really very sad, because i knew that she was still attached. I found out later that she couldn't bring this issue up with her bf becos she felt bad about her bf's depression condition and didn't want to worsen his condition. Seriously, I wondered whether she actually cared about my feelings. She still can't make up her mind and always says now that she doesn't know what she's doing.... But I know that she does like me too, because everytime I bring up the issue about goin for a timeout again, she refuses to let me go. She has hinted to me that I stand a chance. But still I reallie wonder what is on her mind, because she can't even tell me how she feels about me. I'm really very sad everyday and I can't stop thinking about this.

 

Now she still goes out with her bf for dinner and movies. She also goes out with me, which is the funny thing. I really wonder what she is trying to do and whether she wants us to further our relationship. I really feel jealous when she does go out with her bf, becos i really wonder whether she's gonna break-up with him or will their relationship get better and I'm just dumped aside. So I wonder whether I'm just a quick substitute when she and her bf are not together or her bf is not free or does she really love me? And does she just need some time to sort her feelings out? If so, I wonder what her decision will be? Any advice anybody? Should I be angry or sad? Hmm... she always tells me that she treats me better than a best friend, in other words more than friends??

[LolaLopez]

She sounds like me several years ago. I was dating my now hubby and met a great guy at work. We became friends quickly, he was so nice and funny and I loved talking to him. But I was really attracted to my bf. Soon I began to realize my friend had feelings for me beyond friendship. I also began having probs w/ bf, he was jealous, insecure, etc. I spent more and more time with friend and toyed w/ the idea of more.

 

He would have been the perfect bf, so kind and considerate and modern in his thinking. We had some moments of closeness but never really kissed and my relationship w/ bf ended briefly. The friend got the idea we would then be together. But it was not that simple. BF showed up again and Friend got sooo mad and jealous, saying I led him on. I did not mean to, he was just such as great person. You would think it ended there but it did not.

 

My friend stayed by my side thru many more breakups with BF who did not treat me all that great. He saw me at myworst. I knew he was waiting for a chance in a way, and I wished I could be in love with him. We had a few more moments of almosts, but it never happened. All this over 2 years. When it came down to it, my BF finally was ready to commit and we moved in.

 

My friend? Well, so much had happened btwn these two gents, they obviously knew and did not care much for each other, that I just lost contact with Friend and we have not been friends since. Now, my hub understands how important Friend was in my life, but I ran into Friend a couple years ago and he was not willing to forgive and forget, from the cold way he snubbed me.

 

A sad story because I lost a wonderful person in my life. But I wish him well. I have to say in retrospect he was a security blanket for me in a hard time. I tried hard not to mistreat him and feel badly that he probably thinks that's what I did.

 

I don't know if my story will help you, but I thought I'd share it. Good luck. Lola

[Kal-El]

Hey thanks for the advice...

 

Now I'm thinking about what all of you have said...

 

Hope things turn out well..will tell you the outcome next time.

 

Hope it will be good...

[Dork]

What Lola is trying to say is...

 

Girls like Lola like to have an attractive male on their side. They'd never want a relationship with them, because the guy just doesn't "stir" anything.

 

In fact, the only reason men here should ever think is "If I am not getting sexual action from a girl, I am not in a relationship." Keep with that thought and females like Lola would never take advantage of your blue ball situation.

 

These girls will kiss and cuddle, but nothing more. That is where the sex element comes in. If she is not having sex with you, there is no possibility of relationship.

 

On top of that Kal, wtf are you hitting up to a attached girl - go for single girls.

[LolaLopez]

Gosh, a little bitter there, eh?

 

1. Both gents were stunning. In fact, my 'friend' had a body to die for. I was attracted to him.

 

2. I felt friendship for the friend and was in love with BF, so sue me. Friend kept coming around saying we could be friends. He was a gem, couldn't turn him down.

 

3. He went on to go after another girl in a relationship...unavailable also so this is the only good advice you gave Kal. Some men have a thing for unavailable women. why? There's a question to ponder. And then they like to call us names. Go figure.

 

4. How weird to think sex would come before a relationship. You are so very true to your moniker.

 

love,

Lola