Should I have more trust and see how things go?

[rose45]

I met my boyfriend about two months ago. We became exclusive about 4 weeks ago. He asked if I wanted to make things official. Everything has been going pretty well. He treats me very sweetly, affectionate, reliable. I met his family, his friends know about me and I met them as well. They all seem to like me. I hope this all continues. He also seems to be very honest with me. We haven't slept together yet because I want to wait and have it be a little special and also get to know him first. He has been very understanding and hasn't pushed for anything. I also want to avoid sleeping with him and then finding out something horrible after and feel like I did something too soon. We are close to our late twenties.

 

 

One thing I am concerned about is the fact he grew up in a small area where you have alot of mutual friends and alot of bars in the area. He is pretty social so needless to say he knows alot of people and also hooked up in the past with girls that are friends and around in the present.It's basically knowing these people from highschool or even younger and nothing has really changed.

 

 

About 3 weeks ago we went to a small concert and his friend was going to come along but was going to bring this girl that is a mutual friend of theirs. I had a feeling something was wrong b/c he was checking his phone alot. Later he told me how the friend was going to bring this girl who he didn't want coming. He said she has personality and just likes attention and would try to be flirty with him in front of me and cause troubleetc. He didn't tell me but I pretty much knew from the way he was talking they had to have hooked up in the past. Later on I find out he has known her since he was 15 years old and she was his first. He is 28 now. He said the last time they hooked up was last year when he was going through a really bad time.

 

 

We went out a few nights ago to a bar in his area. I had a feeling it was going to happen especially since we haven't really gone to the bars by him yet. He sees the girl and another friend of his which is a guy. I immediately knew this was the girl he was referring to and just by the way she was acting, I didn't feel comfortable. I had knots in my stomach. She gave him a hug and kiss and was being mean in that play fighting way. I kept quiet and kept my cool but I really didn't like it. He introduced me to them but not as his girlfriend which I think in most cases is reasonable in the beginning. (In his defense since it is such a small area and his friends are all mutual, it would have got around anyway that I am his girlfriend) He even told me later how the friend John actually told her to back off because I am his girlfriend. I think she basically assumed I was just a date or didn't have the respect to care.

 

It was ladies night so girls drink for free and she was joking with him how he is bringing a girl here on this type of night. She also mentioned later to him how he shouldn't bring and didn't finish the sentence but it implies to me that he shouldn't bring a girl or girlfriend b/c of who I might meet. I feel like he could tell her to back off. At one point she came over and tapped him to say come over with everyone else and he said I am talking to her. But i feel he could be more clear with his boundaries to her and not tip toe around feelings.

 

I felt like she was basically marking her territory with him. She even said how she forgot to send him something. When they walked away for a second my boyfriend could tell I was upset and he said this is why he really didn't want me meeting her. I did say but then it's like you have something to hide and he said he doesn't and he has been honest with me about everything. He said they have mutual friends and it's hard to just avoid her and he is just civil with her if she contacts him. I told him that I GUARANTEE she is going to text you within the next few days after all of this.

 

I still met some of his other friends and had a good time but obviously inside I was still upset. The next night a friend of his and that person's girlfriend whom i felt comfortable with. She found out what happened and said she can't stand that girl and she loves attention and was all over her boyfriend too b/c she knew him such a long time as if it was an excuse etc. A few moments later--the hook up girl texts my boyfriend on a friday night at 9pm or later saying Hey. My boyfriend didn't hide it and showed it to me.

 

I just think it's not right even if you are mutual friends etc but I don't want to overreact either and turn psycho and jealous.

 

I did decide to check his phone after all of this happening because I knew I had seen a text from her prior to all of this. She had texted him at 8:00 in the morning sometimes. I think some of the conversation had been deleted but I see one text how she misses him a bunch and asks what is he doing later. He responds saying he has been working overtime etc. She also writes how she has something to tell him and she feels lonely etc etc..and he wrote like you tell me you miss me but text me weird things. (I didn't get all that, it must have been deleted) Also about 3 months ago when it was his b-day (we had only met for one date at that point) she texted him happy birthday and some cute message and he wrote thanks babe. (we werent exclusive and only met once but obviously he is encouraging her behavior)

 

There was another text with her a week ago saying my class is over can I call you at 12 and he said yea sure.

 

So he responds to her and allows this to happen.

 

The other night I basically asked him so she texted you--that means you are going to respond at some point right? And he told me he doesn't have to and he honestly just tries to be civil with her and he doesn't reach out to her. He said if you ran into an ex you wouldn't talk to him for a little bit? He then asked what do I want him to do and that he can either tell her to f*ck off or he can just ignore her. I told him you seem to feel like you have an obligation to respond back to her b/c you know her so long and i said I never had to deal with this, this seems like highschool to me. I said a girlfriend shoudln't have to deal with this. And he said with her she just wants attention and is trying to cause trouble. I asked again if he was going to be able to just ignore her or is he just going to lie to me about it and hide it.

 

 

Basically we dropped it after this and made up..in my opinion though if he keeps ignoring her --- a month or two from now he still shouldn't be getting texts from her. At some point a person gets the hint. He always responded to her in the past probably to keep that bridge open in the future in case he is single.

 

I am just not sure what to do because aside from this--he really has been a good and attentive boyfriend so far. He told me he loved me this weekend and I am all he needs. He said he isn't the type to cheat or leave a girl for someone else and it's not who he is.

 

They have mutual friends which means she will try to hang out with them when I am not there and dinner or to the bar etc. He actually told me they used to do this every week in a group and his ex used to flip out but I actually can understand her being mad about it. I wouldn't like it either.

 

Do i let it go for now and trust him especially since everything else has been going well? I kept my cool at the bar and still had a good time with his other friends the night I met her but obviously my boyfriend knew I was upset. He said i was being passive aggressive about it and I told him I had no choice because I am not causing a scene in public and I also wasn't going to leave and run away.

[clia]

He's with you, not her. It sounds like he could be with her if he wanted. If I were you, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now and trust him.