riverratt Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Dude, get off your box and realize your kids are as dumb as you think they are. meant to have been "aren't as dumb" I apologize. You read it literally and not in context and assumed I was attacking your children. Link to post Share on other sites
riverratt Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Its sounds to me that, in your case, it was your wife who made the original indiscretion. Frankly, it shouldn't have come up as a topic. It must have been frustrating. As for handling it, its not a case of 'not lying' so much as using, well, discretion. There is a judgement in how much to discuss and disclose to a child that I think some posters here don't seem to understand. I'm glad that your situation is stabilizing, River. It is stabilizing very well and I thank you.. When I talked to him about us splitting up he asked was it because of the OM. I asked what he meant by that and he proceeded to tell me he knew about it. To the point that they were communicating a lot at odd times. He thought that was out of place. He doesn't know about the hotels. Details he doesn't need to know. Just that was somebody else was getting her time and not me. I told him that no matter what she was still mom and not to hold anything about the other against her. I was fine and it just didn't work out. He knew I wasn't fine but he knew I was trying to make him feel better. I didn't, by any means, give details. My whole point during this mess of a topic was that kids can be very perceptive. Only , you as parents, know your kids. Some 11,12,13 or even 9 and 10 years olds are very perceptive and there is no specific age that is a magic number on what they get or not. They do deserve respect as members of the family but details about hotels isn't something that should be talked about. That is salting a wound. That seems to turn bad and makes things worse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 It is stabilizing very well and I thank you.. When I talked to him about us splitting up he asked was it because of the OM. I asked what he meant by that and he proceeded to tell me he knew about it. To the point that they were communicating a lot at odd times. He thought that was out of place. He doesn't know about the hotels. Details he doesn't need to know. Just that was somebody else was getting her time and not me. I told him that no matter what she was still mom and not to hold anything about the other against her. I was fine and it just didn't work out. He knew I wasn't fine but he knew I was trying to make him feel better. I didn't, by any means, give details. My whole point during this mess of a topic was that kids can be very perceptive. Only , you as parents, know your kids. Some 11,12,13 or even 9 and 10 years olds are very perceptive and there is no specific age that is a magic number on what they get or not. They do deserve respect as members of the family but details about hotels isn't something that should be talked about. That is salting a wound. That seems to turn bad and makes things worse. Well said Riverratt. I could not have said it better myself. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 So, give them enough information to have a grasp as to why you were yelling at their mother, otherwise, your STBXW will paint you as the bad guy! A little reminder of the real reason why you bitter, betrayed, destroyers want to ruin a small child's peace of mind about a parent. The rest is just smoke and mirrors to justify your zeal to create parental alienation by getting your child to dislike your former spouse. You are not fooling anyone but yourselves and the other bitter,angry, betrayed ones here. A 12 yr old is not an adult A 12 yr old does not rationalize as an adult A 12 yr old is not emotionally equipped as an adult, and thus less able to handle the idea of a betrayal by one parent to another. Heck, by the nature of your posts here, you betrayed ones are showing how your situation has messed you up, but you want to drag your minor child into your emotional ruin with you...un frickin-believable. IMHO, The posters here that justify telling a small child about an affair is WORSE than the actual cheating spouse themselves. Your are involving a completely innocent person into a situation that is adult oriented and none of their business for entirely self serving purposes. darth vader let the cat out of the bag above. river..I accept your half apology. Next time proof read what you post since you found out that missing a word can sometimes radically change the meaning of a statement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cedarman Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Every parent ultimately makes the decision on how and what to tell the kids based upon their own discretion. The problem with this thread is that people are being too quick to label others "dishonest". Nobody is being dishonest. They are simply choosing how much to reveal to the kids without lying. There is a big difference between this and "dishonesty". Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Every parent ultimately makes the decision on how and what to tell the kids based upon their own discretion. The problem with this thread is that people are being too quick to label others "dishonest". Nobody is being dishonest. They are simply choosing how much to reveal to the kids without lying. There is a big difference between this and "dishonesty". Not according to your other thread where you say your wife lied (mainly by omission)... how convenient. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cedarman Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 The fact that you cannot grasp the difference between the two situations again reveals more about you than anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 So again you just proved my point!!!!.To all you posters that think it is okay to tell a small child any details whatsoever about what the other parent did in a divorce. It is all about you and how you are perceived...not what is in the best interest of the child. With that statement, you proved that it's all about pitting your child against your ex and creating parental alienation under the BS cloak of telling the "truth". How dare the cheating ex paint me as the bad guy ..it's all about me and my interests. I will jump in the gutter with them and beat them to the punch and emotionally abuse my children by telling them that mommy is bad just so they don't get away with it. That is utterly despicable behavior and makes you WORSE than the cheating spouse...shame on you. If this is the way you think, then it is in the child's best interest that you get limited visitation for their protection. G** do I feel sorry for your children to have a toxic. poisonous parent like you. This goes to the posters that liked your post as well. Wow! I couldn't have proved my point better...thanks. However it's ok for a liar and a cheater to paint the BS as the bad guy and "pit" the children against them, but that's ok, right? Therefore the children will hate the parent who's been betrayed for years and years while losing time with that parent, for what, a lie?! What utter BS! Apparently, I'm not the only one who's toxic! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 My son is 12 and I was honest with him. These things should come from their parents not the rumor mill. They will find out on their own. Their mother and you should sit down and tell them. I was in the same situation and I told my son that myself and mom didn't work out. It is nobodies fault it is just what happened. Don't put a blame on the family coming apart on either parent no matter what happened. If you want to have a good relationship with your kids you are going to have to some damage control for your ex. Too your kids you will hacking mom and not your ex wife. Remember that. This isn't about your ex anymore. It is about mom. Just yesterday, I had to give my son some attitude adjustment. He dis-respected his mom. I nailed him. I reminded him that "my name" and "her name" are divorced but mom and dad or not. You have to suck it up and be mom and dad now. Not husband and wife..It is tough at first to separate the two but you will very glad you did.. Don't be too hard on your son! The way I see it, your wife cheated on him as well! The other children must be talking to him about it/ talking about him or his mother, or soon will be. He has a right to be anger too! Allow him to express (vent) his feelings as well, him bottling it all up is not good for him and can lead to problems for him later on in his life! I'm guessing he's feeling this about his mom (How could you do this to us?) He may feel like a laughing stock of the whole town! I feel for you and your son! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) And by doing so, you are abusive. What rumor mill is a 12 yr old exposed to? They're not an attorney in some workplace. The only place that their going to hear it is perhaps from an acquaintance, and unlike some of the bitter, betrayed ones, most adults have enough common sense to not discuss cheating with 12 yr olds, so I would lay bets that your 12 yr old's friends didn't know anything about it. What lengths you people will go to to justify bad mouthing your ex. You were hurt, and gosh darn it your going to hurt your ex even at the cost of your child's peace of mind. All under the excuse of telling the truth. King Solomon is weeping. His school! Kids TALK ALL THE TIME! Where do they get the info? From their parents who do the talking at home! Again! You're wrong, IMO! Of course, I don't find this kind of attitude surprising coming from someone who has screwed a Married Woman! Quite typical! Edited November 1, 2012 by Darth Vader Link to post Share on other sites
riverratt Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 river..I accept your half apology. Next time proof read what you post since you found out that missing a word can sometimes radically change the meaning of a statement. Thanks for the half apology..It was a full apology but that isn't important. I will say if you did read my post that my son brought up the OM to me. You can read my post and see how that went. My wife has since thanked me for my role in our son not having bitterness towards her. She had no idea he even noticed. I do agree with you that parents should not bash each other. Usually one of them does go that road and throws the kids in the middle. Pour excuse of parents IMHO. I can see how the one getting bashed returns fire if they see their children turning away from them. That ends up a big mess. I am in my mid 40's and I know several people my age that went through that as kids. Seems most have since lost respect for the parent that continued to bash the other. Maybe not lost respect but have ever forgotten it. A child abuser I am not. My point was that there is no way my son is the only kid that has picked up on marriage issues. I know he isn't an adult but I know he isn't unaware of things either. Fortunately, we have a close enough relationship that he felt he could ask me about it and I could ease his mind about it. He is now good with his mom. Don't see how that is being a child abuser. Link to post Share on other sites
riverratt Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Don't be too hard on your son! I wasn't...It was over a video game. He was rude to her. I do completely understand what you are saying. This was an issue he couldn't get a pass on. We did get apologies the next day. Still teed off over the game but oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) A little reminder of the real reason why you bitter, betrayed, destroyers want to ruin a small child's peace of mind about a parent. The rest is just smoke and mirrors to justify your zeal to create parental alienation by getting your child to dislike your former spouse. You are not fooling anyone but yourselves and the other bitter,angry, betrayed ones here. A 12 yr old is not an adult A 12 yr old does not rationalize as an adult A 12 yr old is not emotionally equipped as an adult, and thus less able to handle the idea of a betrayal by one parent to another. Heck, by the nature of your posts here, you betrayed ones are showing how your situation has messed you up, but you want to drag your minor child into your emotional ruin with you...un frickin-believable. IMHO, The posters here that justify telling a small child about an affair is WORSE than the actual cheating spouse themselves. Your are involving a completely innocent person into a situation that is adult oriented and none of their business for entirely self serving purposes. darth vader let the cat out of the bag above. river..I accept your half apology. Next time proof read what you post since you found out that missing a word can sometimes radically change the meaning of a statement. Who the hell do you think you are!? I AM ONE OF THOSE CHILDREN WHO WAS BETRAYED AS WELL, BY ONE OF YOU CHEATING DESTROYERS! To which I add, You are one of those Cheating Destroyers! I was having a 3 yr on/off again affair with a MW when I was 23 and she was 28. For me, she was a booty call.... it was all about the sex...end of story. Does this post sound familiar? What Hypocrisy! So to sum it up, I know how they think and feel! As well as knowing when something's not right........... Now get out of my face! Edited November 1, 2012 by Darth Vader Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I wasn't...It was over a video game. He was rude to her. I do completely understand what you are saying. This was an issue he couldn't get a pass on. We did get apologies the next day. Still teed off over the game but oh well. Ah! Now I understand! Of course, carry on! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) Oh, I almost forgot: Here's the link to the page on LS, it should work. Read Posting # 8 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/318821-why-did-you-do In addition to the posting above the last post. Post # 72 Edited November 1, 2012 by Darth Vader Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) Who the hell do you think you are!? I AM ONE OF THOSE CHILDREN WHO WAS BETRAYED AS WELL, BY ONE OF YOU CHEATING DESTROYERS! To which I add, You are one of those Cheating Destroyers! So what... that was 22 yrs ago when I was single. She had no kids and I didn't know in the beginning that she was married.....she was the one cheating on somebody, not I. I was not married nor in any committed relationship..I was not breaking any vows nor doing anything illegal. I have been happily married for 17 yrs to my one and only wife. This is about what children should know, not about what goes on between the adults. This is not about me or you, but children. Besides, I don't have to justify my personal life to you.... I am not the one telling children about adult business. Either way, every time you respond, you prove my point. It's all about you and how you feel. Your posts ooze with the emotional ruin that you're in, and you want to drag down innocent minors into it. You obviously don't care about the well being and best interests of children in these cases. You are more concerned with getting even with the ex and creating parental alienation just so you don't let them get away with it. You are more interested in bashing and vengeance than protecting the emotional well being of children. Thanks btw for helping me out here...I don't have to go dig through 400 of your old posts to prove my point...you do it every time you respond in that you toxic, destructive way...it's all about getting even. Edited November 1, 2012 by standtall Link to post Share on other sites
riverratt Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 No they don't. Not unless the parents have been indiscreet. Yeah, they do.. I think he was referring to other kids at school. I know for a fact that my son was approached by several kids about our divorce. No details but that we were going through it. We did everything we could to keep it low key. All it takes is one kid to over hear mom or dad talking on the phone while making dinner. Kids run through the kitchen and they hear something. Or they notice you being a little quiet and get nosy. Wondering if it is about them. They may hear the word divorce and they may wonder if it is their parents because mom and dad have been fighting a lot about something.. The way kids and adults text now. News travels fast. The way some people text a message can get taken way out of context too.. I am old so I still spell out "you" when I text. Those little symbols...I need my son to translate for me. Link to post Share on other sites
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