thoughts?

[misc]

I need some serious help, and am looking for some honest and unbiased advice on our next steps. I appreciate your help in advance, and apologize for the long post.

 

First of all, my wife and I have been married for about 5 1/2 years. We have no children, and she is not pregnant. We were together for a very short time (about a year) before we got engaged, but this was all while I was stationed overseas on active duty. We were madly in love with each other (obviously), had sex regularly, and enjoyed each other's company all the time.

 

We have had a few issues that have been pretty serious. First, I hid my smoking from her (my fault, I completely admit). She eventually caught me, and we worked through it, but she doesn't want to see it or be around me when I do it, so I don't smoke around her. She is also a huge health food nut, and wants me to eat healthy as well. While I am not nearly as avid a fan of these foods as she is, I do my best to eat healthy and have drastically adjusted my diet, but occasionally I just need a burger or a Coke (or something along those lines). Again, she has acknowledged that I eat these things, but doesn't want to see me do it, so if I have a craving for some junk (or less healthy) food, I go by myself to fulfill these needs. These are just two of a number of similar issues that we have, but they are all similar in that there is something she doesn't like that I do, so she asks me to not do it in front of her, so we end up spending even more time apart.

 

Unfortunately, what ends up happening is that she will find a cigarette butt or see a cup from McDonald's in the trash and she freaks out on me. Calls me a liar, and says that because I didn't tell her every time I stopped for a smoke or a snack, I was hiding these things from her and that, to her, is just as bad as telling her that I didn't do it. What makes it worse is that we both agree that cheating is the one thing neither of us will tolerate, and she has now told me that she thinks that these things are equal in her mind to cheating.

 

We have sex about once every other month (or less), and she does not approve of pornography or "self satisfaction", leaving me in yet another pickle.

 

Another issue is that she is extremely religious. She has a deep connection to her faith, and her mother is the same way. I, on the other hand, was raised as a Christian, but the more I study these things, the further away from them I go. I still go to church with her, but I'm just there to make her happy. I haven't told her about my thoughts on religion because I know that my point of view will be an absolute deal breaker for her, definitely leading to us splitting up.

 

I will admit that I am not the best about talking about my feelings or even what is going on in my head, but it is something that I have worked on and there has been some progress. What really brought me here tonight is that I have made a concerted effort to be more vocal about my thoughts and feelings lately, but every time I do, she blows up at me and tells me I'm being condescending. I very well may be, but I'm not doing it on purpose and after the first time she told me this, I've made an extra effort to be more "P.C." when expressing my thoughts to her, but this just leaves me more frustrated because I can't talk to her like I feel I should be able to.

 

We are quickly growing apart, and I am truly lost. I feel like I can't be myself anymore with her, and don't know what to do. We have no hobbies in common, and the only time we spend together anymore is sitting in front of the TV, watching shows that only one of us is actually interested in. We have tried reading some different books to help, but it has done nothing. I have asked about going to talk to someone, but she told me that she wasn't interested, because they wouldn't be able to tell her anything she doesn't already know.

 

I truly appreciate your feedback and help.

[Mr. Lucky]

My friend, what you describe isn't a marriage but rather a parent/child relationship. Here's what I do for my 14-year old:

 

1). Set limits on the quantity and types of food he eats to encourage healthy eating.

2). Limit his access to sexually oriented or explicit material since he's not yet ready to understand them in context. I also obviously try and restrict his sexual activity but, unlike you, he probably gets away with masturbation.

3). Keep him from smoking since he's not yet ready to understand the consequences.

 

Are you starting to get the drift? Unlike you, he's a child whose activities need supervision since he lacks adult judgement and cognitive reasoning. I'm assuming since your old enough to enlist and serve your country, that doesn't apply to you. I don't know what's worse - her treating you this way or you allowing it!!! Needing her permission to eat a burger? She doesn't approve of your "self satisfaction"? Wow...

 

Most successful marriages I know are unions of equal partners. At least presently, you seem to be several pay grades below that...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Also, do your buddies know about this? I can only imagine their conversations behind your back.

[standtall]

Gee misc..I just wanted to chime in here and second what mr lucky and just aposter said. Also, unless you want to live the rest of your life this way, it sounds like you need to put your foot down now.

[Hawaii50]

Sounds like a typical fledgling military relationship that started online and never got out the gate because you were never you were never honest with yourself or her. You probebly thought you'd quit before hand, maybe didn't know the extent of her healthy lifestyle, or how it would be projected on to you... while sharing a kitchen.

 

I would never be with someone who didn't accept me for me, but it's up to me, to be honest and set my own bar for what I need/want in a woman. You're both sacrificing too much to be with each other.

 

You've wasted her time, you wasted YOUR time... In my opinion, this relationship is doomed and it's only a question of how much MORE time you want to waste.

 

God-forbid you get her preggers.

[Marly]

I also agree with the other replies. I too was in a relationship and he hid everything about who he really was from me.

 

When I found out about his smoking, drugs, lack of religion etc. It made me feel very betrayed, like I was living with a stranger. To make things worse, he said he hid these things because he knew I wouldn't like it and I would leave. So he pretended to be someone he wasn't for nearly four years, wasting both of our time.

 

I would say all relationships have hope with work and compromise but if she refuses to get help with you then there is not much else you can do.