From the Cheating Husband

[jf2good]

To my Wife:

You don’t pay for electricity, water, sewer or any utility bills. You don’t pay the mortgage, you don’t pay property taxes. You don’t pay for maintenance and up keep of the home you live in. You don’t pay for car insurance for the car you drive. You don’t pay for medical or other insurance. You don’t pay for the telephone or even for your cell phone. You don’t pay for the internet you use, or for the computer you use with it. You don’t pay toilet tissue, toothpaste, dish soap or other household supplies. You don’t pay for maintenance for the car you drive. You don’t pay for the homeowners insurance. You don’t pay any credit bills. You don’t pay for college classes and books for our children. You don’t even pay for all the food you eat only some. You don’t pay for my insurance which you would benefit from if I were to die. You don’t pay for the retirement account for which you will benefit from. Yet you say I am cheating you…. Where do you get such Arrogance….

 

You say you want my entire Christmas bonus, you say you want all the tax return, yet I am the one who is earning and paying extra so there is a return in the first place. You want me to pay you a monthly allowance, yet we aren’t divorced and you aren’t moving out, so why do I owe you anything. If it wasn’t for our children who are in college and for the fact that they are mentally damaged from years of your verbal abuse, I would kick your ass our now. How dare you blame me for years for the children when I was never verbal or physically abusive, only you were to blame. You ruined every holiday, you never let them celebrate Christmas, and always found an excuse to start an argument on almost every holiday including Thanksgiving. Yet, you blame me, I blocked you. Hell yes, I blocked your controlling and abuse personality.

 

So yes I am guilty in our 25 years of marriage on having an affair, and spending too much of the money I earned on strip clubs, drinks, and the like. So you say I cheated you. You say you never had an affair with someone, well great as I really would have an excuse to go ballistic then, as sex once ever couple of months and not even long enough for me to come to completion is NOT fulfilling your end of the marriage, yet you say I am cheating you. As soon as one of our children went off to college, you moved out of our bed, our room. So yes I cheated you out of some of the money I earned, yes I cheated on you before to get the sex you so often deny me, yes I have cheated you to get the love you don’t give.

 

But how dare you think I OWE YOU. If we get divorced, you will get half the assets I earned. You say you didn’t spend money on clothes and jewelry and other things during our marriage, well great because you never earned enough money for any of them, so why do you say I OWE YOU. Just because you had children with me doesn’t mean I OWE YOU. Did you feed, clothe and raise them all by yourself. Is a man 100% responsible to a woman for everything just because she reproduces with him? What arrogance.

 

So you want to divorce me too now, but you can’t because you don’t have enough money. So you want me to pay you for 2 more years, yet you keep all your salary before you want to divorce. You get keep over 20 grand you already have in your own separate account; because you didn’t pay for anything except for a few groceries and some gas once and a while. You say I am nothing but a bad roommate, and won’t even talk to me or acknowledge I exist. Yet you say I am cheating you…. Where do you get such Arrogance….

[mass millz]

This guy sounds like a complete douch!!

[CarrieT]

Where do you get such Arrogance….

 

From right here:

So yes I am guilty in our 25 years of marriage on having an affair, and spending too much of the money I earned on strip clubs, drinks, and the like.

[stillafool]

JF2GOOD why don't you divorce and move out. If she only wants you to pay for 2 years it sounds like a deal to me. Does she work outside the home? If so why did you agree to pay for everything? If not, why did you agree to have her stay home and pay for everything? Since the kids are out of the house now is the time to make your move, get happy and stop blaming your unhappiness on your wife. You may have to split everything after being married for 25 years but at least you will be happy. Go for it!

[KathyM]

Leave the marriage if you are that unhappy. You've already cheated. There is nothing left to save. But don't blame your wife for the fact that you paid most of the family bills. You were probably making a significantly greater amount of salary than her anyway. When people get married, unless there is a prenup, their lives, bodies, finances, goals become one. You are united. There isn't this "my money, her money" tit for tat stuff going on. At least not in healthy marriages where people aren't keeping score.

[Yasuandio]

Blame, blame, blame. Didn't we just read a series of articles about this topic called Romeo's Bleeding, provided by Downtown? OP, It might be helpful to you to search for the article and read it. I think I got the name right. If not, someone please correct me. Yas

[Minnie09]

If you want out, get a D. If your W wants more than you're willing to give, let the lawyers work it out and the judge *will decide. No reason to be angry at your W and write a nasty letter. She's built up a lot of resentment over the years, and understandably so.*

 

You cheated and now you're trying to justify it. You never really tried to reconcile, because reconciling is only possible if you take responsibility for how you hurt your partner, feel their pain and show true remorse. How else can they restore the trust they lost in you? Rug sweeping and conflict avoidance is not working. It doesn't matter if you don't want to fight, you will have arguments over things that have happened in your M. It's a good thing to have arguments and to address issues. It's the only way to resolve problems and move on together. You didn't do that, because it made you feel uncomfortable. And of course your W resents you for that. I would resent and disrespect a man who spends our money on cheap strippers and Asian bar girls. You cheated. There's no need trying to rewrite the history you created.

 

Now it seems there's nothing that can be salvaged. So let go of your M and your anger. It's not your W who disrespected the M, it's clearly you. And you did absolutely nothing to rebuild her trust in you. The result of this is a broken M. Deal with the consequences of your behavior. Your life on the side will now be your life. Good for you. There's nothing you need to hide from anyone any longer. Be happy about that.*

[jf2good]

mass millz so if I am douche, does that give women the right to have a golden uterus complex? Two wrongs do not make a right. sapientia I never said I was right to cheat, the process that lead there was a long time coming. stillafool no she wants 2 years $$$ before divorcing, then she wants to be supported for the rest of her life, totally unrealistic. KathyM I am not trying tit for tat, I wrote this because she thinks I owe her, I can't understand that, you don't owe someone in marriage, it is not a game, not a score with winners and losers. Yasuandio I could blame her for lots of things, she did for 25 years of marriage, I should have left long ago instead of cheating that was my mistake, but we don't always make the right choice in life, we live and learn. Minnie09 she was an Asian bar girl when I met her, so don't disrespect Asian bar girls. One sided arguments don't fix anything with a person who thinks they are always right and used the blame game, so yes I avoided them as they were no win, of course that didn't fix anything either. My wife after going home many years later when her father was dying realized that everyone hated him and he was a total *******, she realized she was exactly like him. Unfortunately since she was gone for many months I found someone else. So she realized too late she was the problem. I just never told her I found someone else, until she started checking the bills. Going out and spending too much money while she was gone was my mistake of course, finding someone else was my fault too. So yes I cheated on her, but her attitude that I am cheating her out of money just pisses me off, I should say she is cheating me out of a relationship, sex and the like. Is marriage prostitution for women, they only marry men for things and money? If I had sex with a prostitute and didn't pay her, I would be cheating her.

 

My wife thinks I am cheating her out of her fantasy retirement. We still have one child at home going to college, as soon as she graduates my wife planned on quitting her part time job and do nothing as she thinks she is too old for work. OMG, she is too old, yet I need to work. Maybe if my wife was a better mother, I might understand some of it, but she was never the loving mom. I am not saying she didn't love our kids, nor am I saying she was lazy, but she drove our children psycho.

 

I will say to everyone, cheating is not the right solution. It happened, it will happen again as we have no relationship anymore, so the best solution is divorce. So why does she want to manipulate getting divorced, why blame me totally. Life is not fair, I earn more money than my wife and yes she will benefit with half my assets, and did benefit during our marriage. It is not my fault she didn't go to college, I didn't get all my choices in life as well, I never stopped her from bettering herself, she chose not to, she pigeon holed herself out of choice. So why do I owe her.

 

I don't want to hate my wife. I still have love for her, but as the saying goes I am not in love with her. I am sorry I cheated, I am sorry I spent too much money, I am not asking her to pay the bills or credit cards. Just yesterday she really pissed me off with her attitude demanding I pay her, yet saying I am nothing more than a bad roommate.

 

Last thing to anyone. If your in a verbally abusive relationship, that is abuse, it hurts the same. Just because a women hits you, bites, you, breaks things and just because your a man and can take it, it is still abuse. If your wife has child protective services called on her just once, that once is too much. Get a lawyer, don't do like I did, don't take it, don't cheat, don't hide it.

[JamesM]

So you cheated.

 

Was or is it with someone you love?

 

Do you want this other woman more than your wife?

 

Are you leaving your wife for her someday?

 

Or did you already end it?

 

Did you get what you wanted from the affair?

 

When (or if) you leave your wife, do you expect things to be better? Why? How will the new woman be better/different?

 

Just curious.

[LadyGrey]

Whose fault is it that you stayed in this marriage you hated for so long?

[pteromom]

You sound VERY angry and bitter. I can feel it radiating from your post.

 

And maybe you have reason to be angry and bitter. I only know what you've written, and if your wife was abusive and lazy and selfish, then hey, you have a right to be angry about it.

 

But at some point, you have to ask yourself what good the anger is doing for you. Being this angry does not serve your best interests - getting on with the next phase of your life and working on being happy.

 

You were married 25 years. So yes, all your assets are half hers. That's the way it works. I'm sure if we heard HER side of the story, we'd all want to award her her half of the money, no question. Because there are always two sides. And you admit that you were much less than a perfect husband.

 

So tell your attorney what you want to see happen as far as alimony and division of assets. Let the attorneys fight it out (and yes, you'll have to pay for hers too since the money is legally half hers). See what happens. Or if it would be financially beneficial, just give her what she wants and get out.

 

Because that's gotta be your main goal here. GETTING OUT. Getting out will cost you, but there is no sense in focusing on your wife's "arrogance". Focus on what YOU need to do to get out, and then just move on. The only thing worse than wasting 25 years with someone you have this sort of anger toward would be wasting MORE time on her.

[Yasuandio]

For me, at least, it took me a long time to look unto myself for my wrong doings (four years to be exact). I thought I was justified, as an abused, neglected woman - whose soul was ripped out with abandonment after abadonment - undil the point his abandonment of me actually put my life in real danger.

 

But recently, I read a book recommended by Sapenia called "Love Must Be Tough," by James Dobson. It's an oldie but a goodie, a classic read. This book really put things in perspective for me. It is easy to get past the mild religious tone - although, it was the "mild religious tone" I learned, through the book, was the very same rationalization I had been using for my own questionable conduct (although separated at the time, technically). Note, within parenthesis, another "rationalization."

 

Why don't you order a copy of that book? It's just a couple bucks on Amazon. I think it will help you with the "blaming" habit (which comes off as really immature), and too, enlighten you on your own contributiond to the demise of your marrriage. Most importantly, I think Dobson's point of view might help you in guiding your anger into a more postive direction. You know, anger is really a cover up for pain. With best regards, Yas

 

PS Please excuse errors, I have lost my glasses.

[jf2good]

Angry and bitter, yes but I am not trying to be. I am not angry and bitter about half the assets when we divorce, that is given. I am angry that the wife doesn't want to divorce for two years, yet wants me to write her a check every month during that time, yet she isn't paying one freaking bill. If she wants to call me a bad roommate, then have her kick in her fair share for living expenses. I am not saying she should pay half, I am not asking that she pays anything even. I do call it arrogance that she wants me to pay for everything and then still hand over money to her, which she is putting in her own bank account and probably sending it to her sister to hide in Korea.

 

If she wants alimony, then divorce me or at least separate, don't play this game. Let me move on. There is no way I am moving out of the house, because I work from there, and I do all the maintenance, and the mortgage is only in my name. Yes she is on the title, but she can't afford the house. She is one to break things, so no way am I trusting her with the house.

 

I was going to file on her, but then she manipulated our kids, saying I was going to throw her on the street, and she was then going to move back to Korea and never see the children again and then kill herself as soon as her mother dies. and of course it was all my fault. There is more of course, but I don't want to go into it here.

 

Yes it was my fault for not divorcing her the first time when I wanted a divorce, and the second as well. This is the third time I have asked her to divorce me. I will do it, like I have said I don't want to hate my wife, but she sure is making it easy to hate her.

 

I have never said I was quilt free. I have never said it was all my the fault of my wife. Treating me as a paycheck only really really is pissing me off right now. I am always someone to forgive and forget, I am the one to say I am sorry first, I don't like to fight, but I feel one coming on.

[pteromom]

ATreating me as a paycheck only really really is pissing me off right now

 

But you ARE only a paycheck right now, correct? You guys aren't intimate, and you are roommates, right?

 

So that is your role at this time.

 

File for divorce.

 

Give your wife ample notice to find another home. Then if she chooses to flee back to Korea, that is HER choice - not you throwing her out in the street.

 

If you can afford it, go ahead and get her an apartment. Agree to pay the rent for XXXX number of months. (Whatever is reasonable in your given situations.)

 

You gotta move on. You can't keep living in the same house.

 

FILE. Be honest with the children. Don't let her manipulate you.

[CptSaveAho]

No offense - I have never let a woman "verbally abuse" me. She either respects me or she hits the road Jack.

 

You might want to check your anger and bitterness... You allowed her to treat you this way for YEARS. Its probably directed towards yourself for acting like a passive aggressive person and allowing yourself to be treated poorly. The affair was a cowardace move on your part because you have poor boundaries.

 

Hate to say it but next time, train your wife/gf better.

[Owl]

She treated you the way she did because you accepted that treatment from her.

 

You responded with cheating, strip clubs, etc...

 

This isn't all on her...seems to me that there's massive amounts of dysfunctional behavior on both sides.

 

Rather than blame her for all of it...own your part.

 

And...take some actual ACTION to change the situation (divorce is an action as well), rather than sit there and play a blame game between the two of you.

[Tiberius]

I guess the message here is do not marry a leech. No sympathy from me for turning something that should be a pump and dump into a wife. Every single man, whom enters a marriage although he knows better from the start, puts pressure on those whom are in relationships of which they know they shouldnt end in marriages.

 

A woman gets pregnant just fine without a ring on her finger.

Edited October 30, 2012 by Tiberius

[Charlie Harper]

Divorce if you are Unhappy, no matter the cost, in the long run your happiness is at stake. I would D then enter Counseling and move from there.... good luck.

[jf2good]

You say not to marry a leech. My wife is not the same person I married. I am not the same person who married her otherwise I would never have cheated. Men marry women hoping that the person will never change, while women marry men based upon how much she things she can change him to the person she wants. I passively resisted this change, which of course frustrated my wife who wants to plan and control things.

 

You say you would never let a women abuse you. Well I have started some counseling recently and the theory of the counselor is that this all stems from my childhood and my mother. Well a lot of that is true, if you grow up learning to not make waves and to take verbal abuse that is what you think is normal.

 

I agree with everyone, including my counselor that divorce is the best option. Like I have said before, I don't want to be angry at my wife, that isn't good for me or anyone. I just need to not let her push my buttons and control me, not to be afraid of her anger, and not to passively get back at her. There is a co-dependence here that needs stop.

 

I am not blaming my wife, and yes a women should get a share of the finances. The word of course is share. Culturally, she was taught that women can't trust men, and they need to control the finances and to have secret money for when the evil husband throws her away (the root story of almost all traditional korean dramas on tv) that my wife loves to watch. She was brainwashed culturally, and she acted just like her father who was abusive as well.

 

I was angry as she pushed my buttons over the money, I am calm now. I will say I was right in my original posting. It is arrogance for a women to expect everything yet pay nothing. I understand I am just a paycheck to her now, but this gravy train will not last. Sure there is spousal maintenance here in Texas, but there is no required spousal maintenance required as long as we are still married and not separated.

 

Since she does nothing for me anymore, I have to do nothing for her anymore, unless I so choose to do so. Since I don't want to go to war, it will be better to plan for a divorce than to play king of the hill right now. It doesn't mean I am going to let her abuse me anymore, enough is enough.

[health]

lol what a mess! You cheated and went to strip clubs, and talk like Money is everything. Deal with your natural consequences. Good luck.