Romantic interest still hurting over ex-boyfriend cheating on her, what can I say?

[Emissary]

So I've had something in the works with this one girl for a couple months, though my progress has been really strained since her last relationship ended pretty badly for her, even though she was the one who dumped him. I think she's quite conflicted right now about whether I'm a friend or more.

 

I asked her out for coffee about a month ago, perhaps a bit too early, to which she kind of avoided the question, so I left the subject alone for a while. We had a brief falling out on Friday. I got frustrated because she was ignoring all my texts, so I basically told her that I gave up and that it would be best we just leave it at that and part ways.

 

That got to her, she poured a bit of heart out to me, saying she was really hurting because she recently found out her ex-boyfriend cheated on her for most of their "relationship", she said she wanted to wait before finally meeting me alone. We reconciled the same day, to which I admitted my frustrations and regrets, though it was more of a one-sided falling out anyway.

 

Anyway, I feel bad for what I said, even if it wasn't that harsh, I feel like I have to make it up to her. Yet so long as she is grieving her past relationship, I'm not going anywhere with her. But what can I even say to her to make her feel better? I know she's got esteem issues, so the odd compliment couldn't hurt, but she's not stupid, it will lose effect if I go overboard.

 

I've never even met her ex-boyfriend, but I hate him for what he did to her. So long as she is not happy, I will not be happy, he's hurt both of us in a way. I understand her pain as I've had similar issues, but I just don't know how to put it in words. I know this all sounds like I want her to feel better for my own benefit, but I really do care about her feelings.

[Chi townD]

Well, what always works is honesty. You can tell her that you're sorry that she discovered the truth about her Ex but not all guys are like that. There are guys in the world that actually know what morals are.

 

Then, I would ask her out. No strings attached, no pressure, no stress. Just a night out on the town for some fun and that you two were both a little over do for that. That your only intention is to go out and have fun and nothing more. Baby steps, dude. And if she enjoys herself, you set up another date. Then, throw her a compliment. Tell her that you asking her out is a little selfishly motivated. That you want to make all the guys in town a little jealous because you'll have the hottest girl in town on your arm! (then wink and give a little GQ smile. Put a little levity into it.)

 

Point is, don't be the concerned good friend (she has enough girlfriends for that). Be upbeat! Happy! Someone that she wants to be around because you're fun!

Edited October 29, 2012 by Chi townD

[kamio]

You need to back off! I am in exactly the same situation, only I am the girl and I got dumped 9 weeks before my wedding.

 

Give her some space, lay off with the pushing for more. Be the friend that she needs, the rest will come. She probably wants to figure out who she is minus her boyfriend. She doesn't want to jump into another relationship straight away.

 

My guy friend recently made his feelings for me obvious and I freaked out a bit. I am not ready, but I also don't want to loose him. I want to move on properly from my last relationship before I accidentaly drag it into the next one.