Why Don't You Want to Have Sex With Your Spouse?

[frozensprouts]

There's some threads on here that have made me wonder why some wives don't want to have sex with their husbands ( or vice versa) It seems like there are a lot of assumptions being made about the lack of desire in some women, but I was wondering if there are any women( or men too) out there who would be willing to share their own story about why they don't have a sexual interest in their spouse, or why they just don't have a desire for sex in general.

 

Please note that the intention of this thread is to get replies from men or women who have personally felt this lack of desire. It's not intended to be a thread about general theories of why this happens or a place to insult men or women. Rather, I'm hoping that people will feel safe enough to be honest about their feelings...

 

Thanks

[JamesM]

Rather, I'm hoping that people will feel safe enough to be honest about their feelings...

 

Thanks

 

I am looking forward to some real responses, too.

[JamesM]

I think frozensprouts is actually looking for responses from those who do not feel interested in having sex with their spouse. And I would love to read some of those.

 

She isn't looking for only female responses.

 

Perhaps you could start a thread about the scientific reasons men or women do not want sex. I may find that helpful, too. However, it would derail this thread, and we would not get personal experiences.

 

Thank you.

Edited October 29, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to deleted post

[carhill]

After a number of relatively insensitive and mean (opinion of LS'ers who read them) comments in the bedroom and a general lack of interest and support by my spouse, my libido did drop sufficiently where I began to 'think' about whether I should approach her in the bedroom or not.

[CarrieT]

I was in a decade+ relationship where I shut down sexually with my partner. He begged, cajoled, bargained.... And I had no sex drive whatsoever.

 

Now, some 15/20 years later, I can surmise two reasons:

- One was my sad realization of the expectations of my partner. We had talked about goals and desires - both personally and in our relationship - and when he stopped pursuing his dreams, my disappointment in him grew.

- Similarly, while pursuing my own dreams, our relationship goals were no longer in sync but I was unable to voice those changes at that time. It took being apart for me to see that.

[frozensprouts]

After a number of relatively insensitive and mean (opinion of LS'ers who read them) comments in the bedroom and a general lack of interest and support by my spouse, my libido did drop sufficiently where I began to 'think' about whether I should approach her in the bedroom or not.

 

thanks for the honest answer...this is the kind of thing I was looking for

[Solcita2]

In my personal situation, I'm finding myself not wanting to have have sex with my partner because we're going through a difficult time in our couple and I'm right now questioning myself if I want to continue in the relationship at all.

I do have desires sometimes, but he's not where near in those moments.

 

When he looks for me for sex I get this feeling of rejection, because of everything we're going through.

[VeveCakes]

I will share my thoughts. We've been married just 2 years and rarely have sex. I have 0 desire. We used to be very sexually active, I was so intensely sexually attracted to him before, it was one of the reasons I married him.

 

Now, I just don't want him touching me. The way he treats me has turned me off to the point where I have completely shut down. I feel bad, I wish I could go back to the way things were, but I have lost all desire.

[William]

The operative directive is contained within the verbiage shared by the thread starter in the first post:

 

Please note that the intention of this thread is to get replies from men or women who have personally felt this lack of desire. It's not intended to be a thread about general theories of why this happens or a place to insult men or women. Rather, I'm hoping that people will feel safe enough to be honest about their feelings...

 

 

This sums up the perspective of moderation on this topic so, in light of the prior cleanup, I'll note this as a Stage Two and invite respondents to address the topic appropriately.

[Hawaii50]

I will share my thoughts. We've been married just 2 years and rarely have sex. I have 0 desire. We used to be very sexually active, I was so intensely sexually attracted to him before, it was one of the reasons I married him.

 

Now, I just don't want him touching me. The way he treats me has turned me off to the point where I have completely shut down. I feel bad, I wish I could go back to the way things were, but I have lost all desire.

 

 

 

What did he do/say?!

I'm very curious, as if could learn before, I'd be better for it..

 

So I do appreciate, and will heed, what you all share.

[VeveCakes]

We just do not get along anymore. I am really trying and tell him if we can work things out and I can trust him to not treat me like a pos then I am hoping my sex drive will return.

 

He is just a difficult person, always comments negatively on anything I ever say or suggest. He is never happy, never wants to joke around unless its poking fun at me or someone. He is sort of immature. He makes me feel completely worthless which I know I am not, so it more aggregates me that I am married to someone who doesn't appreciate me for who I am.

[Radagast]

She saw sex as an act of war between men and women. I wanted sex to be an act of love. I was not happy to "wage war" on her in pursuit of orgasms. I saw sex as a means to generate and express intimacy. We could not reach a compromise on this.

[pteromom]

I will share my thoughts. We've been married just 2 years and rarely have sex. I have 0 desire. We used to be very sexually active, I was so intensely sexually attracted to him before, it was one of the reasons I married him.

 

Now, I just don't want him touching me. The way he treats me has turned me off to the point where I have completely shut down. I feel bad, I wish I could go back to the way things were, but I have lost all desire.

 

This is me too.

 

I have a healthy libido, but not for my husband (I don't cheat - I just take care of myself.)

 

We were very sexually active, but we've been in a pattern where I have continued to want sex less and less.

 

It started when we'd have the same arguments over and over about him wanting me to do certain sexual acts that I don't enjoy. I mean, the SAME arguments. I could have recorded them and played them back, and they'd match exactly. Name-calling, yelling, crying. It was horrible.

 

Then when he wasn't horny, he would apologize and say he understood how I felt and he just wanted us to be happy. Until he was horny again, and the same thing would happen again.

 

So I got to where I shut off my vulnerability. It simply hurt too much to cry every few days about the same things. Shutting off vulnerability shut off my libido.

 

And there were other things that factored in too.

- Lack of help or support around the house.

- Saying mean or crude things to me and snapping at me.

- Being mean to our son.

- Having unstable unpredictable mood swings - one day he's happy saying he's the luckiest man in the world; the next he is crying or angry talking about how miserable he is.

- Not even TRYING to understand my feelings about simple things, like how I hate being touched when I am sleeping because I am a light sleeper and it constantly wakes me up. (I am happy to snuggle BEFORE sleeping though.)

- Saying racist, sexist things about people we know or tv shows; etc. (Calling women "b*tch", Asians "ch*nk, etc.)

 

We have tried counseling three different times. I have read COUNTLESS books. I have tried so many different paths to get back to where we can be happy. I've detached. I've just dived in and had crazy sex and gave him everything he wanted. I've yelled and screamed back (which is hard for me because I feel I am being untrue to myself). I have just done what I want and ignored his needs. I have given what I can and said no when I couldn't. But NONE of it works. Detaching works the best, because then at least I don't care as much about what he is doing. But it certainly doesn't solve any problems.

 

Even when I am being completely giving and loving, he gets mad and calls me names, or gets mad because I say NO to something, or gets sad and nostalgic over something that happened 10 years ago. It's very tiring.

 

Oh, and - he doesn't care about what turns me on at all. I've been very detailed about what turns me on. He did it that way ONE TIME about, ohhh... eight years ago. Then when it was over, he said "Yeah, now we get to do it MY way tomorrow night!" Ugh.

 

So yeah... I don't want sex with him. About 1/4 of the time, it turns into an argument. Not worth it. I almost have PTSD about sex with him. I am anxious when I know he is gonna be horny that night, because I don't know if it's gonna go smoothly or not.

 

Sorry for the novel. But hopefully everything I have written makes sense.

[albr2012]

Sometimes how he talks to me hurts my feelings, some days I'm honestly too tired, other days he's made me mad.

 

Most of the time I'm willing and at times I will initiate it.

[MintAngel]

This is just starting for me. I am right now trying to figure myself out. I avoid sex at all costs, but the difference for us is that there is no talking about it so it's just a game of avoidance for me. I go to bed early if he's working nights, or I stay up til after he is in bed.

I can truly say my sex drive is....not actually gone, but the last few times we did ML I didn't know I wanted it til he touched me. And now it's been 6 weeks plus.

I'm actually at the point now of hoping he will say something, anything, about this so I know he cares, but no such luck.

I seriously wonder if we could connect, communicate, and converse if the lock on my libido would just fall off and all would be well.

I'm afraid I might never know!

[pteromom]

So rather than getting into a discussion about which particular depraved sex acts you feel yourself above participating in with your spouse (since you haven't mentioned them anyway), I'd rather if you could explain how you decide whether to ever do something (sexual or not) that you don't enjoy, and if so, how you pick which things you do that you don't enjoy.

 

 

Huh? Nobody said anything about being "above" participating in certain acts.

 

As far as how I decide whether to do something I don't enjoy... well... it's about mutuality and reciprocity and results. Let's say I do something I don't enjoy doing, and he is so HAPPY about it. I am happy too, because I've given my husband something that made him happy. So YAY, we are both happy. And I am happy to do that again, because it made him happy and we feel close and loving to each other.

 

But say I do something I don't enjoy doing, and instead of being happy, my husband is mad the next day because I say no to something else. Or he's mad because he feels GUILTY because he knows I didn't like what we did (even though I am happy and not upset or showing any negative emotion at all). Or he calls me an idiot because I forget to put the milk back in the fridge.

 

Well... then my desire to do things I don't enjoy goes DOWN. How could it not?

 

It gets to a point where giving becomes emotionally painful, because I get nothing back. I get to be loving and giving, and give 100%, and he gets to be TAKING and angry and dismissive. That dynamic doesn't last long.

 

Oh. OK so the issue is that you just don't enjoy crazy sex?

 

How is that your husband's fault?

 

It's not. And I am not blaming him for me being vanilla. That's just who I am. However, I would be willing to go outside my comfort zone if there was ANY kind of reward for me or our marriage in doing so. But there isn't.

[tinalooks808]

Catching my spouse in numerous lies over a 6 year span killed my desire for him. He was also a selfish lover... leaving me unsatisfied 99% of the time.

[pink_sugar]

Good question and I'm actually in that boat right now. From experience, there are many factors and it seems men take it personally and think they must not be attractive enough and so on. I've been there and for me, a lot of times it's because my depression/anxiety issues get in the way. Issues with the relationship and lack of trust can also be a contributor. If you're not emotionally connecting with the person or you're harboring some resentment, it can be difficult to want to be physically intimate with them if you're having a hard time connecting emotionally. Lately, I feel I cannot count on my husband to make good decisions for the both of us, because a few major decisions he's made have had catastrophic results that have majorly impacted our finances. This rendered me into a major depression...I've almost considered D...it's still in my mind. Part of me thinks it will not change...how can I trust him to make good decisions if we have children and so on. I feel it's all up to me to make decisions and that I don't have a reliable partner to count on.

Edited October 29, 2012 by pink_sugar

[VeveCakes]

Catching my spouse in numerous lies over a 6 year span killed my desire for him. He was also a selfish lover... leaving me unsatisfied 99% of the time.

 

I think the lieing also plays a part for me. If I can't trust you why would I want to give myself to you?

[Sauron]

I lost interest as she ate herself into obesity or near obesity. Nothing sexy or desireable about rolls of flesh hanging of what used to be a gorgeous body and then complaining/fighting/crying because I want her to try something different besides the same old boring thing. I mean really as a man, how much do we tolerate a wife that lets herself completely blob out, while working overtime to make as little effort as possible to meet any need, being lazy, and an emotional basket case while having major sexual hang ups, where her favorite line is "that is disgusting", yep really turns me on. Of course I man up and still give it to her exactly the way she wants it at least 2 or 3 times a week, even if the desire is not there. Then I have great sex with my OW. I suppose they compliment each other, low desire/high desire.

[waterwoman]

I don't 'not want to' as such, I am, or have been, less enthusiastic than he is. I have never had a high sex-drive, even when younger. That is just me. It's not wrong, it doesn't mean I'm broken and need fixing, it's just the way I was was made. H has a higher drive. We compromise. In the lean times if was probably once a week, sometimes more. Now we are both connecting again after his affair, it's more like 4 times a week. And the more we do it, the better I feel about it.

 

Over the years my less than high sex drive took a battering from tiredness, babies and in the last decade or so PND and then normal depression and the meds to treat it. And the menopause came along to join the party . So I wanted it less and less, H was getting more and more fed up. We still DTD but I guess he realised I wasn't all that enthusiastic and didn't enjoy it much as a result.

 

H drew away from me and I felt unloved and unlovable. I have been unbeleivable lonely in my marriage and was convinced this was it for the rest of our lives. We had both, I think, accepted that couple love was no longer going to be a major part of our lives. We had our children and our friends and that would have to be it. I don't think either of us knew how to fix this.

 

When he had his affair it was primarily an EA. Which seemed ironic to me. Surely if he was missing out on hot sex it would be that be wanted. But I have come to understand something I never really did before, sex for H is about being and feeling loved. It is the main way he expresses and receives love. Sex for me is an add-on - a bit of recreation that I can take or leave and if I am not getting love in other ways from H i can most definitely leave it thanks very much! So he was getting love from somewhere else even though what he was giving the OW was what I had been craving for years, emotional intimacy and tenderness, and what would have enabled me to give H what he wanted too! Total lack of communication. An utterly absurd situation.

 

We are fixing this. It is getting better.

 

Hope that helps a little FS.

[frozensprouts]

I don't 'not want to' as such, I am, or have been, less enthusiastic than he is. I have never had a high sex-drive, even when younger. That is just me. It's not wrong, it doesn't mean I'm broken and need fixing, it's just the way I was was made. H has a higher drive. We compromise. In the lean times if was probably once a week, sometimes more. Now we are both connecting again after his affair, it's more like 4 times a week. And the more we do it, the better I feel about it.

 

Over the years my less than high sex drive took a battering from tiredness, babies and in the last decade or so PND and then normal depression and the meds to treat it. And the menopause came along to join the party . So I wanted it less and less, H was getting more and more fed up. We still DTD but I guess he realised I wasn't all that enthusiastic and didn't enjoy it much as a result.

 

H drew away from me and I felt unloved and unlovable. I have been unbeleivable lonely in my marriage and was convinced this was it for the rest of our lives. We had both, I think, accepted that couple love was no longer going to be a major part of our lives. We had our children and our friends and that would have to be it. I don't think either of us knew how to fix this.

 

When he had his affair it was primarily an EA. Which seemed ironic to me. Surely if he was missing out on hot sex it would be that be wanted. But I have come to understand something I never really did before, sex for H is about being and feeling loved. It is the main way he expresses and receives love. Sex for me is an add-on - a bit of recreation that I can take or leave and if I am not getting love in other ways from H i can most definitely leave it thanks very much! So he was getting love from somewhere else even though what he was giving the OW was what I had been craving for years, emotional intimacy and tenderness, and what would have enabled me to give H what he wanted too! Total lack of communication. An utterly absurd situation.

 

We are fixing this. It is getting better.

 

Hope that helps a little FS.

 

what you say makes a lot of sense, and I have heard read of/heard of this kind of thing before. Sex is just seen as something one should do because it's enjoyable for the other person, and not because it can be a way to bond two people together and strengthen the bonds that are already there ( my own opinion is that western culture has "cheapened" sex....but that's just my opinion and another argument for another day)

 

Seems that a lot of the message that western culture puts out there about sex is that it's an "extra" or just something that one does because they enjoy it and for no other reason...you don't hear so much about it being an expression of caring, commitment , bonding and love. That's really sad, as it can be one of the ultimate ways to bond with another human being.

 

take someone who has received the cultural message that sex is something one does just because it's pleasurable. to them, sex may have lost one of it's main functions...to bond two people together in a lasting pair, and it's just one more chore on the list when it could be so much more than that....

maybe it sometimes does come down to a lack of communication and understanding.

[Got it]

My spouse never had a high sex drive so he never seemed to be interested very often. On top of that he had always been very quick on the draw. So more times than not I was left frustrated. Eventually I turned my passion into a sport and was content for awhile that way. Sex was not a big part of our relationship for many of the dating years and I didn't realize how detrimental that was until after we married. It just wasn't maintainable. He was also my first so I really didn't have a reference point (though romance novels begged to differ! j/k).

 

Honestly I thought I was making the mature, rational decision to be with a man that was good in other areas, on paper a good partner, and those pieces should outweigh this area. I never knew that sex should be prioritized and why it was so important to a couple.

[NordicStripes]

We had a very healthy and satisfying sexlife for three years. Then he cheated on me. After a long time of him actively showing remorse and becoming a better man, I took him back. It's been 1,5 years now, and we've had sex three times.

 

Seeing mind-movies of him and the person he slept with has completely killed my sexual interest in him. He's being understanding and compassionate about it, but it's frustrating for the both of us. The thing is, I can't just switch the mind-movies off. And as long as I see them... well, I think he's kind of gross... :-/

[floralfairy777]

Well I was used and abused as a sex object for most of my life by men. molested as a child, used by boys in school, raped several times, you name it. i'm on my 3rd marriage now, my first husband and i married bc i grew up in an abusive home and he wanted me out of there, so we married and blah blah blah. That ended. Then i met my 2nd H years later, he was a womanizer, used me for sex, used them for sex, etc. Divorced....after I divorced him I made a huge change in my life and i swore I would never, EVER let someone use me again like they and so many had. Because I had little to no love growing up, I felt the need to be with these type people for comfort, at least thats what it felt like at the time. I made myself readily available to them whenever and where ever and how ever they wanted me, because being close to them felt like i was being loved.

Well I met my now H, He is a stunning man, loving, caring, hard working, everything a woman would want in a spouse. Only problem is, After my 2nd divorce, because I put up such a wall against intimacy with others, its been really hard for us. We have been together for over 6 years now, and our intimate life is for lack of a better word, nonexistent. He wants me all the time, but I push away. I put myself down a lot...Have a VERY low self esteem because of my past. Trust me, I fight with how i feel every single day. But he loves me no matter what. He knew how i was before we married, even for the 4 years we dated before we married....he accepted me. So my reasoning for lack of intimacy with my H is because of all the crap that so many other men put me through. i'm learning to love myself and accepting him more and more. But dang it, its so hard.

I hope that answers your question.